EPILOGUE

REMUS POV

“I didn't say anything.”

Remus is crying. He hasn't cried in front of eyes since his mother’s funeral and now he’s weeping on the crowded streets of London in front of Regulus Black. The others are on their way and the thought of not having his shit together when they arrive makes him feel even more panicky. 

“Breathe, Lupin.”

“How did he even-..What are the odds of him working there? The- It doesn't make sense. It isn't fair- I didn’t even- I didn't fucking say anything!”

“Lupin, hey! Hey, look at me, okay?”

It’s blurry. Everything is a blurry, wet mess and he can’t breathe. His inhaler is in his bag and, with a shaky hand, he tries, fails and tries again, to open the ziplock. Regulus takes the bag from him with force and within seconds he has been handed the inhaler and is shipping for air with the help of it. 

One, two, three.
Hold.
Again, one, two, three.

He didn't say anything. Why hadn’t he said anything? He had just stared like an absolute buffoon, making Sirius grasp for words and wait for a reply that never came. What if Sirius thinks that they knew he worked there? What if Sirius thinks they walked in there to glare, make things insufferably awkward, then leave. He should have said something. But what? 

Oh, Sirius Black! Didn't know you worked here. Uh, yes. After I stopped replying to you and the others, I decided to befriend your little brother. Yes, of course you hate him. I know that. Sorry to jump you like this. Have a good rest of your life, bye!

Sirius had looked pained, pained in the way Remus had seen so many times before. Funny how one's appearance can change over the years whilst the expressions, the face, the eyes - stay the same. Sirius' appearance had not changed though. It had been the same boy Remus grew up with.
He had looked pained, then, he had gone blank. Not a trace of emotion left on his porcelain face, within a matter of heartbeats.

Hope you have a splendid day together. 

His words had been dripping with resentment.
This can’t be. It simply can’t be.
Remus has pictured what it would be like if Sirius found out about him being friends with Regulus many times before.

He’s cried over it, the guilt. It has always followed with angry wipes at his eyes, however. Because what the fuck is he to feel guilty about?

Sirius left .
Sirius left him.
Sirius also left Regulus.
It’s only fair that the ones left behind find comfort in each other.
It always ended up feeling simple like that. 

It doesn't feel so simple now. 
Remus keeps focusing on his breathing.

One, two, three.
Hold.
Again, one, two, three.

He hadn't said anything. Sirius had told him he looked well, and that had felt like a punch to the gut. Remus had just stared back, which must have been worse than a gut-punch, for Sirius.

“I didn’t say anything.”

“I didn't say anything, either.”

“Why didn't I say anything?”

“Lupin, calm down. He didn't handle it well either, did he? I mean..He didn’t.. Fuck, maybe he did. I don’t know..Who cares, fuck him. Let's just go.”

Remus feels a shiver go from his neck down through his spine. He can't just leave like nothing has happened. He has to go back. He has to say sorry. Sorry for what? 

“I think I need to see him.”

“You've been avoiding the germ like the rightful plague he is, for three years. You can't mean to tell me that one horrible encounter turns the world upside down.” 

“He’ll hate me for it. For that scene.”

“He probably already does hate you. Let's just go.”

“No.”

“Remus.”

“He looks the same. I mean..I’ve seen photos of him. But I didn't think he’d look the same if I met him in real life. I don't know..His voice hasn't changed either.”

“Stop it. I don’t want to hear it. I want to leave now, Remus.”

He’s going to have to go back. The second the thought strikes him, he knows nothing will change his mind, which feels absolutely horrible. 

“I’m going back.”

“No.”

Remus wipes his face and takes one last deep breath. Regulus is tugging at his arm and he just now realizes that the meeting must have been hard for him too. 

“You okay?”

He looks a bit shaken up, which means a lot, since Regulus is very good and keeping his expressions to a minimum.

“I’ll be fine once we leave. So let’s leave, okay? We’ll meet up with the others on the way.” 

“I can’t. I’m going back. I have to say something.”

“Oh for fucks sake, Lupin. What is there to say? The best thing to do now is get as far away from here as possible.”

“I have to-”

“Please. Please Remus. I can’t stay here. Please ."

At a closer look, Regulus seems more than just a little shaken up. His eyes are unfocused, and he keeps looking over his shoulder as if scared of being jumped. Reg has never, ever, begged before. Never pleaded like he does now. Remus shouldn't have to think about it. He should act out of instinct upon seeing Regulus like this. 

This boy in front of him that he’s grown so fond of. This boy who has kept him above water for years. This boy who’s kept him from drowning. Now asks for something so simple in return. Now looks vulnerable and out of place. He shouldn't have to think.

But Sirius' nauseous expression keeps on flashing up in Remus' head and he won't be able to live with himself if he doesn't make it right. If he goes back and apologizes, it won't just be for showing up. It will be everything else as well. It will be a final goodbye. A proper ending. It will be what Remus has been craving. To see him one last time. To know it’s the last time.

“You can start walking, okay? I'll catch up with you!” 

He doesn't wait for a reply but turns and starts walking up the street to the corner where they came from. The corner where “Coffee Corner”, Number four on Regulus’ list of coffee places, lies. Regulus does not walk after him, but does not stop him either. He’s going to have to do this, alone. 

What is he going to say? He had feared even entering the city from the thought of stumbling into any of the Marauders. Now he’s going out of his way to meet the boy he’s grieved and despised. He hasn't really despised him, of course. But he has tried.

Fuck, shit, fuck, fuck, fuckfuckfuckfuck

Why hadn’t he said anything? Because if he had opened his mouth, he would have thrown up on the spot , that's why. And now he's going back. 

It’s crowded in the coffee shop, even more so than when they left. To Remus' horrible realization, it’s because there’s only one barista handling the orders now. Not two, as there were before. Sirius isn't there anymore. Sirius has left. Remus was prepared to go back for the boy but he is not prepared to wait for him like some sad needy puppy.

Maybe it’s for the better. Regulus is probably right, he tends to be, the bastard. And so Remus turns, and leaves the same way as he came. 

Fuckfuckfuckfuck

Regulus is still half leaning against the building wall where Remus left him. 

He feels bad about it now, about his choice.
About which Black brothers comfort he chose to prioritize .

If he had a cigarette in his hand, he would use his own arm to put it out as a punishment. He doesn't have a cigarette in his hand, though. He’s just got a coffee. A coffee Sirius Black made.

The younger black looks small where he stands on the side of the pavement. He looks like a child who's been abandoned by his mother. Which, when all is said and done, is a factual observation. 

Remus is back by his side in a matter of seconds. He’s beginning to apologize, to explain that Sirius was gone when he went back, but it’s clear that Regulus isn't listening. He’s staring out into blank space, fidgeting with a strip on Remus’ backpack with his fingers. His mind is miles away.

He’s never been like this, never not been on his toes, ready to move, ready to talk back. Remus doesn't know what to do with this version of Regulus. He’s never seen this version before. This is not the time or place to discover and handle a foreign form of Regulus black and so Remus just grabs him by the arm and starts pulling him. 

Dragging him away from the street, away from the coffeeshop, away from Sirius.
Not Remus' old best friend, but rather Regulus' older brother. 

They find their way back to the rest of the group, then head back to the motel in which they are staying. Everybody seems to know that something is up but nobody says anything about it. The rest of the group wants to go out and party when the evening comes, but both Remus and Regulus stay behind with the excuse of being tired.

Evan seems tired too and for a while it looks like he’ll stay behind as well. That is until Barty gets all touchy, hanging on Evan like a drape. pampering him with Come on, come with me and I won’t have fun without you .

 Remus wants to ask about all the times Barty has had fun without Evan before. About the times he's had fun with other people, even when Evan has been an option to have fun with. It’s not Remus' place to say anything though, so he doesn't. 

When the night comes and lays like a noise canceling fabric over the loud city, Remus decides he’s had enough. He can’t sit in it any longer. The quiet that is between Regulus and him. The faces Regulus gives him, all judgemental and betrayed. 

“Wanna go for a fag?” 

Silence

“Come with me for a fag.” 

And so they find their way up to the roof of the motel, through the stairs made for “staff and staff only” . There they sit, in the breezy summer air. Under the stars that they can't really see, due to the city's many lights. Regulus stays quiet as Remus starts going through his package of cigarettes. 

He smokes one, two, three.
Contemplating what he should say. What Regulus wants him to say.
He should put them out on his own arm. That's a kind of pain he finds comfort in. He’s got scars from it, years of scars. Years of hurt he’s learned to handle. He won't do it now, though. He hasn’t for so long, and letting Sirius Black be his reason for relapsing feels so extremely embarrassing, old and played out, the mere thought of it makes him cringe.

When he is on his fifth cigarette, and his lungs are burning, Regulus finally makes a move. Taking the so-called cancer stick (Regulus words) from Remus’ hand and putting it in between his own lips.

“You don’t smoke?” 

“After today I might start.” 

They sit quietly for a while longer. Staring out over the city, passing the dart between each other. Remus still has the feeling that Regulus is upset. But now it feels like he’s mad rather than distraught. His face lacks expression but his shoulders are tense and his movements sharp and fast. 

“Aren't you gonna say that cigarettes are the same as slow suicide for normal people, and normal suicide for me?”

Regulus doesn't answer. He just knits his eyebrows together and looks down at his hands. This is getting tiring. Remus is a patient person, to an extent. But he too has a limit and he is about to reach it. 

“If you want to say something to me, then you can bloody well just say it already. Stop giving me the silent treatment cuz it won't solve shite.”

“What would there be that I would like to say to you, Remus?”

“Well, it’s clearly sumfing, innit? Yer’ clearly mad.” 

“Speak english.”

“Fuck. Off.”

He stands up and starts pacing the roof. He should go, slam the door after himself on the way back inside.
But leaving doesn't solve anything, he knows that.
He knows that. 

Regulus turns around where he sits on the flat roof. Turns his back on the city to stare accusingly at Remus. When he speaks, it's quiet. He doesn't sound mad, not at all. He sounds drained. 

“I’m not mad. I’m just surprised. I just- I  thought that I had you all figured out, that's all.”

“Whacha playing at?”

“I thought that I had you figured out, Remus. I thought I knew you better than anyone and-, I don’t know...That I knew what you wanted."

“Ye don’t make any sense.” 

He stops pacing and sits back down. They don’t have a lot of these conversations but he still remembers them all due to the severe discomfort they bring him. He hates “serious-talk”. Almost as much as he hates “Sirius talks” which tends to be just as serious as the others but a lot more bitter than the rest. 

“When I met you, Remus, I thought I saw a reflection of myself in you. I thought I had you all figured out from day one. I’ve been thinking that up until now. That I know you better than anyone and that I can fix you or whatever.” 

“I don’t need to be fixed.” 

"Yes, you do. And I thought I was the one who was destined to do it. All this time, I’ve been thinking that you were the one who needed me, not the other way around.”

“What? You're mad at me because you’ve realized you need me just as much as I need you?” 

“I told you, I’m not mad, just surprised. And I don’t need you like you need me, I need you more. To you, I’m just a placeholder for him .” 

“Now this is just fucking hilarious, youre speakin’ in tongues.”

“I’m. My brother's. Placeholder.” 

“You’re being ridiculous. I didnt fucking pick him over you Regulus. I just went back to try and say sorry.” 

Regulus rolls his eyes. It’s almost impressive how he manages to look both hurt and pitiful all at once. 

“It’s a little late for that, don't you think?”

He speaks under his breath, but Remus still hears. He wants to cry. Not because the words really make any sense, but because of what he fears they will mean after more investigation. 

“What do yeh mean by that?”

“I mean you’ve done him worse before without feeling the need to apologize. Why start now?”

“If you wanna spit accusations you’ve got to be more specific.”

“Oh, do I now, Lupin? You went absolutely radio-silent on him and all of your other little friends. And you never felt sorry about that, did you? So why start now? Because you saw him in real life? Really?”

“THEY. LEFT. ME-”

“No, they fucking didn’t. They moved, Remus. There’s a difference. They moved towards something, not away from something. Not away from you. You were the one who didn't come along. You were the one who chose to stay behind.” 

It feels like everything bad in the world. Hearing the person he trusts the most say the thing he wants to hear the least. 

“I couldn't leave.”

“Yes, you could. I, however, couldn't. We are not the same. 

“How dare you I-, I thought you were on my side here.”

“THERE ARE-, Oh my fucking god. I can’t believe this, you're making me lose it. There are no fucking sides, Remus. I don’t see shit like that. I’m not my fucking brother. 

“I never said you were.”

“Oh, but you forget that I'm not. You forget that I’m not him, all the time. You look at me and- and think that I think like him. I don’t. I don't see good and bad like he so religiously does. I don’t point out a hero and blame a villain. There are no good and bad people, Remus. There are just fucking people. Sometimes people do bad shit, but that doesn't mean that they are bad”

“But you still think that my actions were bad, though. Don’t you?”

“I don’t think your actions were anything. They were just actions, and now you have to own up to them. Wanna ghost my brother? Fine. Perfect even. I hate him. But if you’re going to do it, then do it. Don’t change your mind halfway through and crawl back.”

“I wasn't. I’m not. I was just gonna say sorry.”

“No! No, that's not true. I thought I had you all figured out, but I’ve been so wrong.”

“Stop saying that.”

“Why? It’s true. You don't want them out of your life. I’ve been trying to help you move on from something that you never really wanted to get away from in the first place. You just-, You’ve just been scared of rejection so you've cut your losses early-”

“That's not it at all.”

“-and I’ve just been a placeholder, whilst you've been my everything .” 

“You're my best friend.” 

“But I’m not him. I’m just-, I’m almost him. I’m almost him and you will never forgive me for that. For not filling his place perfectly. 

“You don’t fill his place, you’ve got your own fucking place, you weirdo. Oh, and please, stop speaking in twisted fucking sentences. You're not a chick.”

“You want straight up sentences? Really? Fine. Fix this Lupin. Fix you, yourself. Because I’m tired of trying to help you. Do it yourself. For starters, you should do some self-reflection. Talk to your old friends, because it’s clear that you want to. Stop feeling so fucking sorry for yourself. You are the only problem in your god-forsaken-life. Oh, and stop smoking those damn cancer-sticks. They’re slow suicide for normal people. You are not normal people.”

He says it all in one breath. Rambles on in a tempo that should impress the highest of debate teams. This is usually where Regulus and Remus would start laughing. After an outburst, after one of them loses it and goes off. It’s what they usually do. Not this time. This time something happens that has never, ever happened before. 

Regulus is crying, cheeks wet with tears. He is breathing irregularly, heaving in air. He sounds almost like Remus during an asthma attack. 

Remus is the reason why this is happening. He doesn't know what to do. He leans forward and embraces the whimpering boy in his arms. Rubbing his back in an attempt to be comforting.

“I’m-, I’m sorry. I never wanted you to think-. You’re my best friend, Regulus.”

The crying boy seems so small again. Bony and childlike under Remus' hands. 

“He wanted you, he-. You were the one who left him. He may have moved but he still- You were still the one to leave him.”

“I’m sorry.”

It feels wrong. Regulus is supposed to be stone cold and unbreakable. Not this. Not lost in a small shaky version of himself. 

“He left me, he never, he never wanted-. He never tried to reach out like he did with you”

“I’m sorry.”

They sit on the roof, holding on to each other, for what feels like hours. Regulus crying comes to an end pretty quickly and they don’t say a lot more afterwards. A few sentences pass between them but nothing of value. 

Regulus is wrong.
He’s shaken up from seeing his brother again after years.
He’s sad and in pain and has taken it out on Remus.
He is wrong when he says Remus misses the marauders.
That Remus has been running from the truth all this time.
He’s wrong, isn't he?
No. He’s not.
He's not.
Remus misses them all, still. He misses them terribly 

Remus' body aches from the thought of a hug from James Potter.
He could start crying right here, beside Regulus on the roof just from the thought of it.
From the loss of it
James wasn't a hugger. James was the hugger. 

Sometimes Remus lies awake at night, twisting and turning. Not being able to fall asleep due to some stupid, nonexistent problem. During those nights, he seriously contemplates calling Peter. Even after years of no contact, just because he knows Peter is the only one who can talk sense into him during hard times. He still hears Peter's voice every once in a while.
‘You're being dramatic.’
‘It’s not that serious.’
‘There is no problem we can’t solve together, Moony. Just come to me and we’ll do it together.’

The memory of that voice alone makes him sure of it.
Of how right Regulus is. Of how he will never stop missing them.
How he just wants them to come back .
Maybe Regulus is right. Maybe he is the one who needs to come back .

Did he ever stop feeling whatever it is he’s been feeling for Sirius Black?
He thought he did. But today at the coffee shop. Coming face to face with him.
Remus can’t help but think that all of these mantras he's been saying have been nothing but sad attempts at lies. 

Regulus might have been right about Remus missing the marauders, about wanting them back. But he is wrong when he claims to be nothing but a placeholder for Sirius. Regulus is everything left when everybody leaves. He is not a distraction. He is a safe place for Remus to go, just like Remus is a safe place for Reglus. They are two of the same flame. They work. They fit. They're best friends. Regulus Black is not Sirius Black, and thank god for that.

James, Peter and Sirius. They're not his boys anymore. They stopped being his boys when they left. No, not when they left. When they moved. 

Maybe Regulus is right.
Maybe they're not to be blamed.
Maybe Remus is the one, He always is, isn't he?
They're not his boys anymore, but maybe he wants them to be.
It doesn't matter, all of this is out of his hands now.
It is, isn't it? It is.
It is. 

It feels like a lie.