Chapter 2
When Regulus woke up he didn't think much of Sirius not being there. To him he had simply gone out to eat or simply to get ready for lessons. He dragged himself out of bed and walked over to his desk to pull the curtains open and let the morning sun in, that was when he noticed the envelope with his name on it.
Regulus was confused, truly. But he also felt sick, so sick that he had to take a minute and put the envelope down.
Once he felt like his stomach settled he carefully opened the envelope and pulled the paper out.
Hey Reggie,
You were always the one who knew how to do these things so don't judge my attempts to write the letter too harshly. I am sorry, even if it doen't mean much right now just know that I truly am sorry. I know you will be angry with me. Maybe you already are but you need to understand that this is for the better. I won't try to justify my actions, you are allowed to feel everything that you are feeling right now, or whatever it is that you will feel later. Just understand that I needed to do what was best for me.
You are so brave Regulus and I am so proud of who you've become. I am proud to be your brother, never forget that.
Love always, Sirius.
Okay, if Regulus was feeling sick before this actually made him puke. He barely made it to the bathroom before throwing up. He didn't cry, he didn't know if he needed to. He was still very fucking confused. Regulus decided to call Sirius and if the first three times the call went through, the fourth time it didn't and Regulus was angry. He was angry because he was afraid which was exactly why Regulus was marching down the hall to find James.
James seemed to have a similar idea as he was walking his way, looking distressed.
"We need to talk" Regulus said it rather harshly, he wasn't very aware of himself at that moment. Everything felt too loud, too bright. He was still wearing yesterday's clothes and they felt dirty on his skin. To put it simply, he felt like shit and looked like it too.
James didn't look any better as he allowed Regulus to drag him into his dorm.
"So he left you a letter too" Regulus pointed out, glancing at the piece of paper James was clutching in his hands.
He nodded. Unlike Regulus, James looked like he was about to cry, eyes brimming with tears. "I called him, phone is off" James mumbled. It was strange for James to talk so quietly, for him not to be his usual loud self.
"Go sit, I need to call my mother" Regulus's tone softened, though his anxiety was still there and he still felt out of it he saw no point in being harsh to James.
He leaned against the desk as he waited for his mother to pick up.
"Sirius is gone" was the first thing he said. His mother on the other linewas quiet, the silence stretched out for a minute before Regulus spoke again.
"Mum, are you there? Sirius is gone, he left" I think he left me is what he wanted to say, but he knew better than that.
"I heard you the first time, Regulus. Go to your lessons, we will figure this out." and she hung up.
"Do you think he-"
"He will be back James, he wouldn't just leave. Not like this" Regulus wasn't sure if he believed that himself but he had no other option but to do. He sat down beside James on his bed, pulling his knees against his chest as he leaned on the wall.
"I should've known"
"If anyoe should've know, it's me. He was acting off since yesterday after the meeting he needed to attend about duties and all. I told myself he would come and talk to me and I was very fucking wrong. Then he came yesterday and gave me a stupid speech, didn't even give me a proper goodbye. And I want to be angry, I think part of me is. But I also knew he never wanted this, so it's me who should've known. Don't blame yourself" Regulus wasaware that he was rambling, he couldn't help himself.
"You shouldn't blame yourself either. He will come back, I know it" James reassured. His cheeks were slightly wet from the fallen tears and he wiped them off once he noticed Regulus scanning his face. He looked away from James not wanting him to feel bad for whatever he was feeling either. He knew that crying was healthy, even if he struggled to do it himself.
Regulus wanted to let his words comfort him but he knew Sirius, he knew that once he made a choice he wouldn't backtrack. Still though, he hoped that Sirius would contact him. He knew that despite how he was feeling now he would forgive him.
"Should we go? Attend our classes?" James questioned after a while of silence, hint of nervousness in his tone.
"Didn't know the James Potter cared so much about attendance" Regulus teased but his voice was soft. He didn't feel like doing much and that included going to class.
"I do not"
"Sure you don't, now hurry up so you aren't late" He teased, which seemed to annoy James. Regulus loved railing him up, especially because it was easy to do it.
"Bugger off" James grumbled, pinching Regulus's arm
"Now that's not how you talk to a prince"
"Oh and how do I talk to him?" Just as Regulus opened his mouth James shushed him, sitting up slightly as he tucked his legs under himself before speaking again "My most sincere apologies your highness, how dare I ever speak to you in such disgraceful ways"
"Much better, I will consider forgiving you" He couldn't help bu smile as he said, causing James to smile as well
"Will you now little prince?" James said it with a smile, moving closer to Regulus to pinch his cheek. Regulus rolled his eys however his smile didn't falter for a second.
It was until there was a knock on his door, which caused them to break apart. Regulus got up to open the door and he was met with one of the younger student's who's name he couldn't recall.
"Dumbledore wants to see you in his office"
"Okay, I will be there, thanks" the boy seemed nervous and Regulus did his best to keep it short while also not being rude.
He turned to look at James before taking his phone and dorm keys. James got up as well to follow Regulus out of the door."This is definetly about Sirius, I will tell you what they say"
James nodded at him and silently walked him to Dumbledore's office, which would make Regulus's heart race in any other situation.
Regulus knocked on the door and waited to be called in before he went inside. Once he shut the door after himself he was met with his parents staring at him through the computer screen Albus had turned over just for this.
"Sit, we need to talk" it was his mother talking, Regulus obeyed and Dumbledore took it as his cue to leave the room.
"Your brother ran away and we haven't been able to get in touch with him. Has he called you?" It was his father talking. Orion was always more detached which made him calm. Walburga was always the complete opposite, harsh and loud.
"No, I called him but his phone is off" Regulus was stoic, he always tried to be when it came to them.
"Regulus if you hear anything from him, you need to immediatly contact us, do you hear me?" It was his mother now, she was seething he could tell that much. Clearly not happy with this situation.
"Yes Mother" with that the call was ended, no more questions or no goodbyes said.
A whole week passed since the last time Reguls saw his brother. At first it seemed unreal, he was waiting for a text from Sirius every single day. He hadn't heard anything from his parents and he was agitated. Everything was on autopilot for him, he went to all of his classes, started on any assigment they were given. His breaking point was one of the teachers, Minerva McGonagall pulling him aside to tell him she was there for him if he needed someone, he didn't cry. Instead he thanked her before hurrying to his dorm where he spend the rest of the day sleeping. That's how he was spending his day most of the time.
He would shower and brush his teeth, he would allow his friends to drag him to get food but he wasn't really present.
It was on one of these days when Lily came to get him so they could eat together when Lucius approached him. Lily had to leave him for five minutes to bring food to James, who unlike Regulus refused to leave his room unless he absolutely had to.
"Hey Reggie" the nickname didn't sound right coming out of someone else. With Sirius he was used to it, he had been calling him Reggie ever since they were kids so hearing it from Lucius made him want to punch him.
"Hello" Regulus's voice was very monotone, he didn't want to engage with anyone much less with Lucius.
"I am sorry about your brother kid, if you need anything and I mean anything at all, you can come to me. I know it wouldn't be te same but you're not alone" He knew that Lucius was trying to comfort him, he didn't een move away when he gently squeezed his shoulder.
"Thank you" Regulus responded with much more softness in his voice this time.
"Don't mention it, you know where to find me." he gave Regulus a kind smile before walking away and he couldn't helpbut wonder if Lucius was being geniuenly kind to him. He didn't doubt Sirius's judgment one bit so the need to be careful around Lucius didn't go anywhere, except he felt like he had another person by his side.
He knew Lucius wouldn't intentionally hurt him as he was supposed to marry Narcissa, so there was no way Lucius would sabotage that.
Regulus's thoughts were interrupted by Lily sitting down beside him. She was frowning, trying not to judging from the tight smile her lips curled into when she looked at him but he didn't miss the tension between her brows.
"Why aren't you eating yet?" Lily didn't wait for his response as she started plating his food for him.
"Sorry, got distracted" he wasn't entirely lying but he also had no apetite, it felt weird to eat when his brother was potentially starving soemwhere. "Where is everyone else?" Regulus hadn't been much of a good friend lately, part of him that wasn't compeletly consumed by sadness felt guilty about it.
"Marlene and Dorcas have some assigments they need to finish and Peter is with James, I brought them food"
"And James? how is he?" Regulus knew that if it weren't for their friends they both would've crumbled long ago, he was thankful and he wasn't sure he could eer repay them.
"He is taking it hard but will bw okay, I just wish we knew something" the sadness in Lily's voice was very clear and Regulus took her hand in his, hoping to give her some sort of comfort they had been giving him.
James was honestly crushed, unable to function properly. He missed Sirius with every bone of his body. For James, especially as a kid his feeling were always too big. He always felt too loudly, too intensely. Unfortunatly for his it applied to everything he felt. Sadness, happiness, anger, grief, love. He was always entirely consumed by what he was feeling.
As a kid, his mother used to tell him it was a good thing because he had a tender heart, he cared. She had said that people like him who felt with everything in them were rare and James believed him. He was never ashamed of how he felt, he didn't think he ever would be and he never doubted his mother on anything.
Except lately, he was wondering if feeling things the wasy he was feeling them was truly a good thing because he didn't feel good at all. To put it simply, he felt like shit. At some point he had cried so much that his eyes burned, it hurt to blink and he was so light-headed he couldn't sit up without feeling nauseous.
He wanted to get up, he wanted to get his own dinner and most of all he really wanted Sirius to come back. He didn't know if missing someone so much was possible. He missed his parents when he was away but he always knew he would see them after some time. Now he wasn't sure. He knew that Sirius was alive somewhere, probably hiding and he knew that he eventually would reach out but that didn't make any of it easier.
He also really wanted to see Regulus, he stupidly missed him. He had seen him a few times in the halls when they both ere getting to class but James refused to leave his room for any other reason. His friends were bringing him food so he wasn't leaving the room to get food either. Logically he knew that he needed to check on him and not only because Sirius had told him in his letter to do it, he wanted to all on his own.
Which was why he stayed up past curfew, waiting a little while to make sure no one was awake before sneaking out.
Regulus couldn't sleep. He knew it was his own fault because he slept a lot during the day but he couldn't help it. He enjoyed the quiet at night so he wasn't really complaining. He wasn't in bed, he had a cover wrapped over himself as he sat on the window sill and looked outside. His window was open, letting the fresh fall air in. It was chilly but not too cold.
He jolted at the knovk on his door, at first he thought he was imagining it. It was too late for anyone to come around but when the knocking continued Regulus finally got up to open it.
"James?" His voice came out as a whisper. just in case anyone else was also staying up past the curfew
"Did I wake you?" Regulus shook his head in response, moving away to let James in.
"Did something happen?" Regulus asked without looking at him, walking back to the window sill so he could sit there again. His desk was pushed away from where it used to stand, mostly so he could freely climb on there.
"I just wanted to see you" He carefully shut the door behind him as he said it awkwardly stood in the middle of the room, not knowing what to do.
"Oh" it had caugh Regulus by surprise and he couldn't help the nauseatingly sweet feeling that came over him "Well sit anywhere you want, just get one of my blankets if you want to join me" that was all it took for James to pick up a blanket of his bed before he settled facing him.
"So how are you holding up?" James questioned wanting to break the silence
"Like shit, when I see him I am going to kick his ass" for some reason that made James laugh, a geniune loud laugh. He quickly covered his mouth, suddenly very aware of how late it was and that someone probably heard him. However not even a minute later Regulus started laughing too, it wasn't as loud but he was still laughing, both of them were.
"Honestly like, he is such a cunt just up and left" James added through his laughter. They both laughed for some time until it slowly died out. They were both quiet for some time, until Regulus started crying. It startled James, though he was quick to act as he shifted closer to Regulus.
"I am sorry- I am just," regulus sucked his breath in, unable o help it "I am terrified" Regulus hadn't cried at all since the day he left, he hadn't shed a single tear. Regulus felt like he was suffocating, like with every breath he took his lungs were feeling up with water.
"You need to breath Regulus, breath" He could hear James talking but he couldn't focus on anything he was saying. Nothing was making sense in his head. "Breath, you have to breath" he repeated, this time taking Regulus's hand in his as he pressed them against Regulus's chest
"I can't"
"Yes you can, come on. In and out, slowly" And he complied, taking a shaky but deep breath in before breathing out. James didn't stop until Regulus's breathing became steady.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to freak out" Part of him was embarrased, he knew that there was no need to because James was the last person that would make him feel bad about it but he couldn't help himself.
"It's okay, you've got nothing to apologize for. I am glad you didn't have to go through that all on your own" James was completely sincere when he said t, Regulus didn't doubt that one bit.
"Thank you"
"You don't need to thank me either Reg" This time James was smiling, a sweet smile that Regulus wanted to kiss. It was taking everything in him not to because James was so very close and he was still holding his hand, while his other hand sneaked up to Regulus's cheek to pinch it. He usually did it to tease him but this time it stayed there cradling his face. He stupidly leaned into it, the warmth from James's hands warming him better than any blanket ever could.
Turns out Regulus didn't have too much control over himself because not even 5 seconds later, just as James was abou to remove his hand from his cheek Regulus was kissing him. James, despite the surprise kissed him back.
It was harsh and quick and Regulus was the one to break the kiss.
"I shouldn't have-oh god' He was panicking, properly panicking, He practically threw himself off the window sill, needing to put space between James and himself.
'Reg it's okay, listen to me" James seemed to be very aware of it so he didn't move from where he was however he was still trying to calm Regulus.
"James you should go, please just go" He pleaded and James didn't make him repeat himself as he left the room, looking at Regulus one last time before shutting the door.
"fucking idiot, what the fuck were you thinking" Regulus started freaking out even more once James left, sitting on the floor as he pulled his knees close to himself to hide. There was no one he needed to his from, he was in his room all by himself. He felt ashamed, not because he had kissed James. Frankly he had been wanting to kiss James for a long time. He was ashamed because he didn't know how he would face James.
He crawled into his bed after a while of siting on the floor and pulled the covers over his head, hoping James would forget about all of this the following day.
Once James returned to his own dorm he sat on his bed and stared at the wall ahead of him. He wasn't freaking out, at least not as much as Regulus was. He was aware of his sexuality so this hadn't opened any surprise doors for him. He knew he liked Regulus but he never expected Regulus to like him back, he didn't even know if Regulus liked man.
So yes he was kind of freaking out because someone he liked possibly liked him back.
James started noticing Regulus as more than his best mate's little brother last year. Regulus had grown, gotten taller, his face was much more defined now, jawline sharper, hair longer. He never actually considered that anything could happen between them.
He surely flirted with him here and there, complmented him and payed him more attention but it wasn't like he hadn't done all of these things with others, even if his intentions with Regulus were different he knew it was never obvious.
James wanted to talk about this though, he needed to talk to Regulus so for the first time in a week James went to sleep thinking about something else and feeling more hopefull than he did before.
For the next week James tried to find the right moment and it turned out much harder than he thought it would be because Regulus was avoiding him, on top of it all they didn't know anything about Sirius so he was sad and disappointed. However he wasn't stuck in his dorm anymore. He would get his own food and sometime go for walks on the school grounds, which is where he spotted Regulus all on his own.
"We need to talk" James didn't speak until he was close enough to catch him if he decided to run from him. Regulus was startled by his voice and James would feel bad if he didn't need to talk about it so badly.
"Talk about what?" Regulus tried to play dumb, he knew it wouldn't work but it was worth the try. He was avoiding James in hopes that he woul forget it, which he unfortunatly hadn't.
"About the kiss" James was blunt, which made Regulus realize that he had no choice in this
"Look I shouldn't have done it. We can pretend like it never happened and go back to normal"
"But what if I don't want to pretend like it never happened" He sounded truly sad saying it and Regulus felt terrible for making him sound so sad in th first place
"You know we can't. My parents, James if they find out about this it will be bad. This can't happen, we won't happen" Regulus didn't miss how James's face twisted at his words but he knew it was the truth. They couldn't even entartain the though of them together.
"They don't have to know"
"And what? we will hie under the shadows? hold hands under the dinner table? Sirius is gone, chances are he won't return. What happens when they bring up marriage? James, I am sorry. I wish things could be different. I shouldn't have kissed you in the first place but this is our reality" It pained Regulus to say these things but he needed James to know, he needed to be sure that he understood.
"It doesn't have to be" he said stubbornly, eyes brimming with tears. There were footsteps approaching them and James quickly wiped his eyes, trying to erase any sign of tears at all.
"Regulus, you need to follow me" It was Lucius, voice so sharp that Regulus head snapped his way.
"What happened?" The look on Lucius's face was enough too make Regulus feel sick.
"It's about your brother"