Chapter 3
Regulus had to drag his feet after Lucius, it got harder to do so with every step. The closer he was to the school building the more anxious he got. James was following right after them, at some point he took Regulus's hand in his, he doesn't knoe exactly when but when he turned back to look at him they were holding hands.
Regulus couldn't bring himself to ask anything, afraid of what the answer will be. A huge part of him hopped that he would go in and Sirius would be there with his arms open but he refused to get his hopes up.
Once they reached Dumbledore's office they stopped right in front of the door. Regulus knew James couldn't go in with him which in his opinion was unfair, he knew James deserved to be there to find out the news by his side.
"Go find the girls and Peter, I will find you and let you know what they say" James nodded and walked away, looking back at Regulus nearly every step of the way.
He was aware he didn't have the time to linger so despite no wanting to he pulled the door open. Inside he was met with his mother and father, Dumbledore and another man he recognized as someone that works for their family. Lucius stayed outside, or at least Regulus assumed he did because he pulled the door closed once he was in the room.
"Sit" said his mother, her tone was cold as ever. Regulus sat down right in front of them, gripping the handle of the chair.
"Your brother is dead" it was his mother again, speaking so coldly without any emotion at all. Someone that didn't know them would assume she wasn't talking about her son at all.
"What?"
He didn't ask that because he didn't hear her, in fact he hoped he heard her wrong. He simply didn't know what to say.
He is dead
Sirius is dead
"They found his body-"
Regulus couldn't hear them, not really.
"The police say it was an accident-"
He didn't know who was talking, didn't care.
"You need to return home for some time, for the funeral"
"What funeral?"
"Sirius's funral. Regulus stop being difficult"
Regulus got up, he wasn't aware of what he was doing, wasn't in control of his body. He just needed an out, needed to leave.
Lucius was outside of the door, waiting for Regulus.
"I packed your things, figured it wouldn't hurt to help" He didn't care for his things, didn't care for anything at all.
"Which way did he go?"
"Who? your friend? he went towards the dorms, probably back to his room-"
Regulus didn't care to listen for the rest because he told James he was going to update them and oh.
oh
Update them with the news.
He would have tell to them.
Regulus had no time to turn back because the dorm door was wide open and everyone was sitting quietly, just waiting.
It was Dorcas who spotted him first, she immediatly got up which caused everyone else to do the same.
"So? what did they say?" It was Peter who asked. Regulus couldn't answer, couldn't force himself to say the words.
"Reg?" It was Lily this time, stepping closer to put her hands on his shoulders.
"Dead" Regulus's whispered.
"What?"
"Gone, accident, dead. He is fucking dead" He could hear James make such gut-wrenching noise. Like a wounded animal. Everyone was crying, he could tell that much. Lily was hugging him and he could feel her tears wetting his shirt. He was crying too, he felt it then.
Sirius was right after all, universe did split them into two halves when they were made to be brothers. Now Sirius was gone and Regulus was half of a man.
James knew that something was very wrong as soon as he sw Regulus, His anxiety grew more and more with Regulus staying quiet. Eventually he heard him whispers something, he pretended not to hear it, pretended it was his head messing with him.
Then Marlene spoke and James wishes she hadn't.
James wishes a lot of things.
Most of all he wishes it was him instead of Sirius.
Regulus was back home now, he couldn't remember much from how he got back. He knew his parents were in the car with him. Walburga was angry, she was saying something. He knew it was aimed at him but he couldn't listen. His body felt numb and everything around was muted. He couldn't think about Sirius or anyone at all but especially Sirius. Every time he thought of his brother his mothers words rang through his head and Regulus would feel his whole world collapsing over and over again.
On his first day back Regulus locked himself in his room and tried to sleep which didn't work. As soon as he would close his eyes he would be met with Sirius looking right back at him and once finally managed to fall asleep it didn't take long for the nightmares to come.
On the second day, at some point out of pure instinct Regulus got up to go to Sirius and he made it to his door before he remembered that Sirius wasn't there, he wasn't a phone call away. His body was getting prepared to be put underground.
Regulus broke down after that, after holding it in for so long he simply lost it. He collapsed in the middle of his bedroom crying. He didn't even care if his parents heard him this time, he didn't care about how they would punish him for it. They had a tendency of punishing them for things like emotions, for anything that didn't fit their image. Regulus hated them, he knew they were putting too much pressure on Sirius and making him do things he didn't want to. Regulus blamed them the most. If they had been different, softer, kinder. If they had been their parents and not just people that brought them into this world things would be different. Sirius would still be alive.
He didn't realize that someone came into his room unable to hear anyone due to the static sounds in his head. He felt cold pair of hands grasping his arms before pulling him into a tight hug. It was grounding in a way that helped him get his breathing under control. He pulled back once he was calm and was met with Narcissa's worried eyes but a soft smile on her mouth. She cradled his face between her hands before wiping away his tear stained cheeks.
"It's okay now, I've got you" Her tone was soft as she pulled him into another hug and Regulus let her.
He didn't remember much after that, only waking up in his bed with Narcissa still by his side brushing her fingers through his hair. It oddly made him feel like a child again. Narcissa always liked him the best so they were always close. He would always waddle after her if Sirius wasn't around, give her the tightest goodbye hugs his little self could manage, overall he always felt safe with her.
Regulus sat up trying to spot his phone to see for how long he has been sleeping, Narcissa seemed to realize so she responded "you've been asleep for 6 hours, I asked Lucius to carry you over here" Her voice was soft and sympathetic as she spoke again "nightmares?"
He didn't need to respond for her to know that it was a yes but he still did "yeah, I keep seeing him" his voice came out hoars, thoat hurting from how much he had cried. "I miss him so much Cissa, how am I meant to go through life feeling so heavy?"
"You won't always feel like this, eventually you will make peace with it and it will hurt less. Maybe one day it won't hurt at all. He wouldn't want you to spend the rest of your life grieving, he always wanted the best for you"
Regulus was entirely unimpressed by this, it hurt. Made his whole body ache, it felt like his soul was aching too. Every part of him was. "I don't know how I will be able to stand at the funeral tomorrow" He admitted, he didn't think he'd be able to handle it at all.
"I am going to be there right by your side, so will Lucius. You won't be alone, you don't have to go through this on your own" She said it so earnestly that it actually comforted him.
"Thank you"
"There's no need to thank me" She smiled gently at him and ruffled his hair. Regulus wanted to argue with that because in his mind he needed to hank her. Narcissa had been the only one that truly checked up on him and did anything at all to make him feel better.
"I need to go but I am going to be here early in the morning so don't worry alright? try to get more sleep if you can" With that she left. Regulus couldn't sleep even though he tried to but after a while of tossing around he got tired and started looking for his phone again, which he managed to find this time.
He had a lot of missed calls and texts from his friends. They were checking on him which almost made him cry because they had just lost a friend but still made sure to check up on Regulus. He responded to all of them reassring that he was as good as he couldd be and that his cousin had come around to check on him so they didn't need to worry. He checked up on them too, it was only fair to do so and he truly wanted to know how they were.
The last text Regulus opened was from James asking him to call him. He ignored it or at least tried to but at some point his hands seemed to work on it's own.
The phone rang few times and just as Regulus was going to end the call James answered.
"Didn't know if you would actually call" James's voice was strained and tired, Regulus assumed from crying.
"I wasn't going to"
James was quiet for a bit, until "Why did you?"
"Because I miss him, he was you brother too in a way so I think you feel just as awful as I do"
"Tell me something Regulus" He didn't need James to specify what he wanted to hear, he knew.
"When he first came back from school, the very first year he had this huge smile on his face and his eyes were so bright, similar to your in a way. He said 'Reggie I made a best friend I can wait for you to meet him' then just talked about you all summer. I was so jealous, I was adamant on hating you. That was until I met you of course that's when I realized it was hard to hate you, even for me" Regulus was honest and he liked this, being able to just talk about his brother with someone that understood.
"You were jealous?" James asked with humor in his tone. It was strange because despite the tiredness he was still bright.
"Terribly but I stopped"
"I shouldn't find this as amusing as I do"
"To be fair I'd be laughing at you right now" And that was enough to break James into soft fit of giggles. Regulus smiled slightly at the sound of it. The sadness was still there but in that moment he felt lighter. They continued to talk for some more, sharing memories and talking about Sirius.
Regulus realized that James had fallen asleep mid conversaion when he heard quiet snoring coming from the other line and that's when he hung up. He was unable to fall asleep himself so he stayed up waiting for Narcissa.
She came back pretty early just like she had promised, marching into his room as she pulled the curtains open, letting the sun seep into his room. "Time for breakfast, get up" Was the first thing she said. Regulus frowned, having no desire to actually get up and face his parents.
"Don't make that face Reg"
"Sorry I am not happy about burying my brother" He muttered as he forced himself out of the bed.
Narcissa left him to get changed in the clothes that had been picked up for him. Eventually he forced himself out of his room and moved to the dinning room. The table was already set and everyone was eating. Regulus sat beside Narcissa, not in the mood to talk with anyone. It still didn't seem real to him. He was thankful that the house wasn't full with every family member, there were only his parents, Narcissa and Lucius who was lately following her everywhere.
He put some of the food on his plate however he couldn't stomach actually eating anything. He knew that his father was eyeing him as everyone else ate. Some were making conversation but Regulus wasn't focused on who was talking. He didn't care.
"Regulus stop playing with your food and eat" His mother's sharp tone snapped him out of his thoughts.
"I am not hungry"
"You look like a ghost, eat" Regulus clenched his jaw so hard he was surprised his teeth didn't break. He forced few bites into his mouth, instantly feeling nauseous. He excused himself after that, the need to get away so intense he didn't even hear someone going after him.
"Where are you going Regulus" His father called out after him
"Outside, I need some air" Regulus was overwhelmed, he was tired of the heavy feeling in his chest that was fully consuming him.
"I know you are upset Regulus"
"Do you really? I thought you lost the ability to notice these things years ago"
"Watch you mouth, you should be grateful for everything I gave you" Orion's voice was calmer compared to his mother, he was much more quiet.
"I would give it all up if it meant having my brother back. This family, title, money. All of it."
Regulus didn't realize what happened until he was stumbling back, holding his cheek as it stung from his fathers hand.
"Well you can't so instead of being an ungrateful brat be thankful you aren't the one getting buried today" with that he walked away, leaving Regulus all alone.
He didn't return to the dinning hall, instead he went outside and sat on the grass, he knew that would be something that would also upset his mother but he didn't care. His cheek was still stinging and he wondered if it would leave a mark on his face. Another reminder of Sirius's funeral for a week. He could handle that too, he could handle all of it even if that meant being unable to breath because at that moment Regulus felt more alone that ever. Not even the presence of the ring Sirius gifted him could give him any type of comfort because the ring was there but Sirius wasn't.
Regulus didn't know how much time passed before Narcissa came looking for him telling him it was time to go. He didn't want to go but he forced himself to get up and walk after her. He was quiet the whole time, no one was talking to him and he was thankful for it.
When they reached the church it was still empty, no one had went inside yet except Regulus. He stood in the enterance first, unable to step forward. It took everything in him to walk to the casket, everything in his body was fighting against it. Once he was close to the casket Regulus leaned against it, putting his head down as his finger traced over the fabric that was neatly pulled over it.
It was a strange feeling, making him feel more empty than before.
The service started soon after, close family members stood as everyone else sat in the back. He knew that the entire funeral was being shown on live television which infuriated him. He was angry because not even death allowed them any kind of privacy. Regulus didn't hear what the pastor was saying, he stood quietly staring at the wooden box. It wasn't until Narcissa squeezed his hand that he realized it was time to go.
James wasn't doing well, not at all. He had cried his eyes out to both of his parents over the phone. He felt incomplete, like chunk of his soul was ripped away from him. In his mind that's exactly what had happened.
On the day of Sirius's funeral he found himself in the common room with the rest of the students sitting in front of the large tv that was used for movie nights. He was curled up between Lily and Peter on the couch, watching as casket was being carried out. Regulus and the rest of his family following close behind. The reason he was sitting there was that he needed confrimation that all of it was real, Sirius was truly gone but now that he had it he wanted nothing more but to go back.
He left pretty quickly, wiping his tears away as he stumbled into his dorm and closed the door, he couldn't hold in his tears after that.
It wasn't until his phone started ringing very stubbornly that James answered it. At first there was silence and then a very quiet and unsure "hey Prongs" that he thought he imagined. James was quiet, his blood running cold.
"I know this is- a lot to take in. I am alive and well James. I am with someone and-"
"What the fuck" he only managed to say that, nearly choking on his own words. The thing was, James knew Sirius very well. He could never not recognize his voice and the more the other person spoke the more he knew it was truly Sirius.
"You must be angry, very angry. But you have to understand that this was the only way out for me-"
"Oh do you? I mourned you- we all mourned you. Your friends, Sirius. Your brother is destroyed and now you randomly call from an unknown number- mind you right after we all watched your body get carried out to say you are alive?" James was angry and hurt, these two words couldn't describe how he felt. He was relieved because Sirius was alive and he knew that's what he should feel, nothing else. He felt guilty for being angry with him especially because part of him knew that what Sirius was saying made sense.
"I can't explain everything over the phone James, just know that I am sorry and I wish I could've done it differently. I will explain more, I promise but this will take time for our own safety." Sirius was sad, it was evident in his tone.
"Okay- I am glad that you are alive but I am realy angry with you Sirius."
"I know, I am sorry. I have to go now, don't say anything to anyone I will call you again when I can" with that the call was over and James was left to deal with all of it alone.
Regulus didn't stay at home for too long, he wanted to go back to school as soon as he could which was why he was back the next day. He didn't see his parents before he left, or anyone else for that matter.
After the funeral everything had become too real. If before the funeral he could pretend like none of it was real and his brother was somewhere far away and safe now he had a grave with his brother's name as evidence.
When the car stopped at the school enterance Regulus hoped to get back to his room without being seen, which seemed to be impossible because everyone seemed to notice him getting out. Despite openly looking at him no one really said anything. They only looked at him with pity and sadness which only infuriated him.
Regulus eventually reached his dorm and locked himself there, he had the whole day ahead of him but all he wanted to do was stay in his dorm and not talk to anyone which would work until the word about him being back got to his friends.