Chapter 5
Remus doesn’t know what time it is. All he knows is that the only people remaining are Pandora, Lily, James, Peter, Mary, Regulus, Barty, Evan, Dorcas, Sirius and Marlene. The room is quiet except for James telling a story and the record playing quietly, Mary spinning Pandora around to the slow music. Everything seems to be a bit fuzzy, and Remus finds himself smiling for no reason at all. Regulus and Lily listen intently as James recounts some funny Quidditch story, Sirius and Pete throwing in an additional detail here and there.
It’s nice down here on the carpet, Remus decided. The fabric is thick, if a little itchy, and makes for quite a nice place to have a lie-down. Suddenly laughter bursts out, and even Remus finds himself laughing despite having no idea what was funny. When the record ends, Mary dumps herself on the couch, Pandora smiling as she takes a seat in one of the arms chairs.
“We should play a game,” Mary announces. James and Sirius as well as Barty and Evan immediately agree, already talking amongst themselves as to who would win.
“What game do you have in mind,” Lily asks, coherent and relatively articulate despite her state of drunkenness.
“We’re out of boos,” Regulus adds, “so drinking games are out.”
“No problem.” Mary stands up, picking up an empty bottle of fire whisky resting next to the couch. Remus vaguely thinks he was the one who finished that one off. “We can play spin the bottle.” A chorus of cheers and groans erupted from the group. Unsurprisingly, Sirius, James and the two Slytherin lunatics are all for it. Remus, Lily and Regulus on the other hand, not so much.
“It’s so stupid,” Regulus complains.
“Yeah, besides half of us have already snogged Remus,” Lily adds.
“WHAT?” Sirius cries, sounding a bit like a seagull. “You’re joking, right? Surely.”
“Well, I have snogged our wonderfully rugged Remus,” Mary says slyly, looking rather proud of herself.
“So have I,” Lily adds.
“Me too, regrettably.” Marlene shoots Remus an apologetic look who only rolls his eyes fondly. Sirius looks absolutely dumbfounded, and Remus has to stifle a laugh.
“Even I’ve snogged ‘im,” Peter adds.
“So what, that just leaves Jamie?” He asks aghast.
“About that, actually. . .” Sirius’ jaw drops so fast it’s comical.
“YOU TOO?”
“It was rather lovely,” Remus muses, mostly just saying it to egg Sirius on. “Fourth year, it was.”
“Mmhmm, first kiss and everything.”
“Not for me,” Remus says, “mine was Red. Second year.” Lily nods, giggling to herself.
“And you, Maz?” Sirius sounds almost desperate.
“Sorry, Black. Hogsmeade. Third year. It was a dark day.” Remus grabs a pillow near him, throwing it at Marlene’s head, who dodges it easily. Sirius just sits, mouth hanging open looking at everyone as though he had never seen them before.
“Awww, cheer up Pads,” James tells him, “I’m sure Moony would give you a snog if you asked nicely.”
“He’d have to be attractive first,” Remus retorts. As Peter laughs, Remus glances at Regulus who’s been watching with an amused expression. He catches his gaze, and he doesn’t miss the mischievous glint in his eye. Remus smirks. “Like Regulus, for example.” Sirius’ eyes practically bulged out of his head, and a look of downright offence edged into every one of his beautiful features. Remus loves it.
“Do it then,” Mary urges, watching with far too much enjoyment. Remus looks at Regulus, raising a single eyebrow. A smirk tugs at Regulus' lips, and he shrugs.
“Why not? Lupin’s fit enough.” Doing his absolute best to not burst into laughter, Remus waves Regulus over, not even bothering to sit up. Mary and Marlene cheer drunkenly, egging them on while Dorcas watches in amusement. James looked rather shocked that this was happening, and Lily watched with raised eyebrows. Sirius, meanwhile, protests loudly making a big show of his disapproval and disgust.
Regulus approaches Remus, looking down at where he lies on the carpet. Without any sort of direction from Remus, Regulus sits right down on him, straddling his hips. He looks up at Regulus, shocked and a bit impressed, if he’s honest. He blinks at Remus, his face turning a dark shade of red. Remus half expects him to back out then and there, but he doesn’t. Quite the opposite, in fact. Taking Remus’ sweater in his hands, Regulus leans down, snogging Remus right on the lips with no small amount of force. Marlene cheers loudly, Barty and Evan joining in the celebration. Sirius shrieks, gagging obnoxiously while Mary and Peter cackle in the background. It only lasts for a few seconds before Regulus sits back up, hastily moving off of Remus's lap and retreating back to where Pandora sits with a bowl of crisps, watching in slight interest.
“I can not believe you just snogged Reggie! ” Sirius cries out. “My baby brother, Moons. That’s my baby brother you just fucking kissed.”
Now sitting up, Remus raises a single eyebrow. “Jealous, Black?”
Sirius chokes. “-I -no! No, I’m not- I’m not jealous!” He sputters, words slurred in his drunkenness.
“You sure about that?” Regulus asks, looking very proud of himself. Sirius opens his mouth - probably to protest further - but Marlene speaks out over the chaos.
“Are we gonna play or not?”
“YES!” Mary cried at the same time Sirius screamed “NO!”
“You were all for it not two seconds ago,” Peter says, looking quizzically at Sirius.
“That,” Sirius says firmly, “was before Remus snogged Regulus.”
“Oh, get over yourself. Macdonald, hand me the bottle.” Firewhisky bottle in hand, placing it down on the carpet, with a twist of his wrist Regulus sends the bottle spinning. Everyone - even those who had protested - scrambled to get into a circle around the bottle, a drunken sense of urgency filling the room. As the bottle starts to lose speed, the group of teenagers watch with bated breath. Finally, the bottle stops spinning, and Remus feels himself begin to shake with laughter. Lily Evans stares at the bottle pointing directly at her, eyes wide and face burning a brilliant bright red. Regulus shares a similar expression, as though he was a deer caught in the headlights.
“Well.” James clears his throat. “That was certainly unexpected,” Remus notes how his arms are crossed with a grimace taking over his face. That’s odd. It’s unlike James Potter to be unable to find the humour in something like this. Regulus shifts uncomfortably.
“I can respin if-”
“No!” Lily cuts off, rather loudly. Regulus’ eyebrows shoot up. The redhead’s face turns a darker shade of crimson, her green eyes flitting around the group. She takes a deep breath, relaxing herself. “No,” She repeats, more put together this time, “there’s no need for that. You spun the bottle, and it landed on me.”
“Yeah, and there’s no respining,” Dorcas adds, her eyes alight with mischief. “Those are the rules.”
“Snog the bastard, Red!” Remus cheers, Peter agreeing loudly. A look of determination fell over Lily’s eyes. Staring straight ahead at Regulus - who was sitting across from her - Lily reached out and grabbed his tie, pulling him towards her. One hand gripping his tie, the other slipping to the back of his neck, Lily pulls him into a kiss. Regulus’ eyes were wide for a moment, his face burning a scarlet shade of red, before he relaxed, leaning into the kiss.
A roar of cheers arose from the teenagers, Peter, Mary and Marlene whooping especially loud. Lily pulled away a moment or so later, blushing but smiling nonetheless. Regulus looked dazed, his lips still slightly parted. Remus didn’t even try to conceal his laughter. Everyone was enjoying the game by this point, laughing and clapping all the same. Everyone except for Sirius, that is, who was sitting stony-faced, glaring so intensely at Lily that it was comical.
“Oh come on, Black. It’s just a game,” Dorcas reminded him, a sly smile creeping across her face. “Okay, my turn.” Once again the bottle was spinning, only this time the bottle pointed to a specific blonde with a choppy haircut. Marlene’s smile pulled into a smug smirk, and she leaned back against the sofa. Dorcas raises a singular eyebrow, and it appears as though the two are having an entire conversation with just their eyes. Remus watches, transfixed along with everyone else watching in silence. After a moment, Dorcas stands up, sitting herself on Marlene's lap before taking her face in her ring-adorned hands, and kissing her ruthlessly. Everyone yelled their approval as the two Fifth Years made out.
“Oh, get a room!” Evan finally shouted after multiple minutes had passed without either one of them coming up for air. Dorcas only flipped him off, but Marlene did pull back.
“That can be arranged, actually,” she said slyly.
“Say less.” Remus watched dumbfounded as the two girls made their way up the stairs to the girl's dorms, their fingers intertwined.
“Took them long enough,” Sirius said.
“The sexual tension was killing me,” Regulus agreed. The game continued on, the bottle spinning every five minutes, the teenagers cheering every time someone was snogged. It was fun, Remus supposed, though the bottle had only landed on him once, and really snogging Pete had been a good laugh for the both of them if nothing else. Aside from James’ and Sirius’ monumental kiss (one that Remus was certainly not jealous of, thank you very much) and Barty and Evans’ snog that had left Evan a deep shade of crimson, it had all been much the same: A good bit of fun. That was until it was Remus’ turn to spin the bottle.
“Ready Remus?” Mary asked, passing him the bottle with an easy smile, having just snogged Lily (It hadn’t really been much of a kiss though, the two had been laughing so hard).
“Time to see who gets to kiss the Casanova next,” James teased. Remus rolled his eyes.
“Ta, Mary,” he said, choosing to ignore James’ comment. He spun the bottle, his stomach filling with dread as it started to slow down. The common room went quiet when they all saw who the bottle landed on. Pandora’s eyes burned with anger and Lily’s with worry. Of course, he thought, of-fucking-course. Because who else could the bottle possibly land on, than Sirius fucking Black? Really, Remus ought to have expected this, given his luck.
Everyone seemed to exchange nervous glances, eyes flitting between the werewolf and the disowned Black. Even Barty, Evan and Regulus who didn’t even know the whole truth seemed to understand the gravity of the situation. Sirius stared at Remus, eyes wide and lips parted on exhale. They were sitting directly across from each other, making it rather difficult to look away from each other. There was an undercurrent of energy that seemed to be running through the two boys, some kind of pull that made it impossible to break eye contact. Sirius wouldn’t look away, and Remus couldn’t look away.
The silence only stretched for a few moments, but it felt longer. It was as though everything slowed down, Remus’ focus zeroing in on Sirius. It was Mary who finally spoke.
“Oh, would you two get over yourselves?” Pandora sucked in a breath, Lily’s eyes flashing with anger. James winced, sitting up from his leisurely position leaning against the sofa.
“Mary-” James tried.
“No,” She interrupted, “these two have been at it for long enough. It’s spin the bottle, for Merlin's sake. It’s not like you are in love with each other.”
Sirius pales, his eyes snapping away from him, instead looking intensively down at his hands, a muffled fuck off, Macdonald escapacing his lips. Peter and James glance at each other, both confused and concerned at the same time. James looked torn, as though he wanted to talk to Sirius and stay silent at the same time. Waves of anger washed off of Lily and Pandora, and all the while the Slytherins watched on with surprised and unsure expressions.
And Remus, well Remus had had enough. Standing up, brushing himself off, he walked out without another word.
“Remus, wait! Where are you going? Remus? Moony!”
“I told you not to fucking call me that,” Remus growled, spinning around to face Sirius who had managed to catch up to him. They were standing in the middle of some random corridor. When Remus left the common room, he didn’t really have any specific destination in mind; he just needed to get away. Now they were here, in danger of being caught by Filch at any moment, and yet Remus couldn’t bring himself to care. He half expected Sirius to back down at his response, but he squared his shoulders and clenched his jaw.
“Remus, I can’t take this anymore. Talk to me - scream, yell, whatever - just say something!” A wave a raw emotion surged through Remus, building and building until-
“I TRUSTED YOU!”
Remus stood still, his chest heaving, his voice ringing in his ears. It was loud. So loud, in fact, that it was a miracle that Filch didn’t appear right then and there. The silence after Remus’ outcry was deafening, heavy in a way that could crush a man and leave him buried for an eternity, lost under the ruble of those three tumultuous words. Anger coursing through his veins, Remus stepped forward, looking down at Sirius who was only a foot away now.
“I trusted you,” He repeated, his voice a low rumble. He watched Sirius swallow thickly, noting how his eyebrows tugged together and the way his lips pursed. Something tugged at his navel, a feeling he tried to push away. Remus clenched his jaw, hating himself for the way he couldn’t stop himself from letting his gaze travel Sirius’ body.
“Remus,” Sirius tried, “I’m so sorry. ”
“Is that all you’ve got?” Sirius' eyes were desperate, the rolling grey reminding Remus of a stormy ocean. Sirius ran a hand through his hair haphazardly, messing it up in a way that was both completely unlike Sirius and exactly like Sirius.
“No, I just- I know that doesn’t change anything, or make it right,” Sirius said, “but you have to understand how sorry I am. I need you to understand how sorry I am.”
“I don’t owe you anything. Not my understanding, certainly not my fucking forgiveness.” Remus huffed a bitter laugh, his eyes beginning to sting. “You know, the worst part is, I don’t think you even understand what you did to me.”
“Remus-”
“You made me into a fucking monster," Remus cried. "Into some kind of sick and twisted circus act. You turned me into a- a tool like I was just your fucking pet to let loose!” Sirius shakes his head, reaching out to hold Remus’ forearms. He wants to recoil but finds himself latching onto Sirius for dear life, their arms linked together. His skin burns with the contact. He doesn’t let go. “The worst part is, you made me believe that I could trust you," Remus croaked. You made me believe that I was- that I could be-” His voice breaks off, and he hates himself for it. Hates how much he cares. How much the words burn him. Pulling away from Sirius, he crosses his arms and averts his gaze. For a moment, everything was silent. Then:
“I know I fucked up, Remus, believe me, I know." Sirius' voice is thick and raw, like the words are being ripped out of his throat. "I don’t know how to fix this, but once I figure it out I will do everything I can to make this better. To fix what I’ve broken.”
“I’m not broken,” Remus whispers. He's not even sure he believes it, but it feels important to say. Sirius pales, eyes widening.
“No," He whispers, "no I wasn’t- I didn’t mean-" Sirius growls like he's frustrated with himself. "You aren’t broken, Remus,” Sirius tells him, voice full of conviction. He steps closer, taking Remus' hands and staring into Remus’ eyes with that stupid bloody honesty of his. “You are the strongest person I know, and you are so, so fucking beautiful, Remus. Everything about you is- mesmerizing. You’re mesmerizing.”
“Sirius,” Remus warns, but his voice is breathier than he'd like.
“No, okay? My turn to talk.” Remus inhaled sharply, his heart pounding. “You are so unbelievably smart. Your control over magic is unlike anything I’ve ever seen; the way you just fucking conduct it like it’s the most natural thing in the world. You’re so good, Remus, so good that half of the time I think you’ve managed to cast some sort of spell on me because you are the most enchanting thing I have ever laid my eyes on. I can’t look away from you, and I don’t want to. I’m so sorry for what I did to you, and I will never forgive myself. But you have to know that I didn’t want to hurt you. I’ve never wanted to hurt you. Never.”
At some point during Sirius’ monologue, his hands made their way up to Remus’ jaw. Now Sirius cradles his face gently, Remus’ holding Sirius’ forearms, their eyes locked together. Remus is transfixed; every one of his senses narrows in on Sirius. He notices everything: the pinch in between his ebony eyebrows; the red flush on his cheeks and nose - probably from the alcohol he had consumed; the strand of hair that had fallen into his face; the well of tears in his eyes; the slightly parted, chewed lips; the way the moonlight has cast a bluish glow over his beautiful, angular face. Sirius pulls Remus’ face in so that their foreheads meet. Remus’ eyes fall closed, and for a moment they stay there, silent, breathing in the same air.
“You are so beautiful,” Sirius whispers, and it's like he's uttering a prayer. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I know I’m not good like you. I know I’m awful. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry." His voice breaks, but Sirius surges forward. "I hate myself, and you should hate me too. I hope you hate me.” Remus’ brain is working overtime to try and understand what Sirius is saying. Remus doesn’t like it - the way Sirius is talking about himself. He was still rambling in a soft-spoken voice, but Remus stopped paying attention. He just wants him to stop talking- no, needs him to stop talking.
In a swift and fluid motion, he moves his hands from Sirius’ arms to his face, tilting it up and bringing Sirius’ lips to his own. He doesn’t think about what he’s doing, not really, just knows that he wants Sirius to stop saying those horrible things about himself. Sirius stills for a moment before he relaxes and his mouth falls open. Eagerly Remus slips his tongue inside Sirius' mouth, who reciprocates with just as much vigour.
The logical part of Remus’ brain switches off, and all he can think about is Sirius’ warm mouth against his own, the taste of fire whisky sweet on Sirius’ tongue, the way Sirius’ hands move from his face into his hair, tugging gently on his curls. Remus runs his hands down Sirius’ body, resting them on his waist, pulling Sirius into his body. A soft moan escapes Sirius’ mouth.
Jesus fucking christ.
Remus growls and pushes Sirius up against the wall, pinning him against it with his hips. Sirius’ breath hitches, and Remus pins Sirius' hands gently above his head, holding them there with one hand while the other moves back Sirius’ hip, his mouth roaming over Sirius’ neck, sucking and biting at the exposed skin.
“Fuck me,” Sirius groans, his heart pounding and his breath shuttering. Remus’ head reels and his whole body is suddenly set on fire. It isn't painful, not like his transformations. It’s a pleasant low simmering heat beneath his skin, and he can feel energy thrumming through his body. All Remus can think about is getting Sirius to say ‘fuck me’ again in that posh, needy way of his when he hears footsteps down the corridor.
Remus pulls away at once, stepping away from Sirius, his lips still parted in bliss, wet and red. Sirius’ eyes fly open, looking at Remus with bright eyes and a look of undeniable desire. For a moment, the two boys just stare at each other, their breathing heavy and uneven. Then Remus remembers the footsteps which are steadily approaching them. Without another thought, he turns and bolts down the corridor away from Sirius, tucking himself into a small alcove hidden behind a banner that Remus had found in his first year at Hogwarts.
“Ah, Mr. Black. Out past midnight again, are we?” Filch's voice asked, echoing down the corridor.
Remus strains to Sirius’ response. “Um, y-yeah. Something like that.”
“Detention. Tomorrow at noon. You know where to find me.”
“Fine. Whatever.”
Remus listened as they passed him on their way to Griffendore tower. Usually, Remus would feel guilty for bailing on one of his friends like that, but he has bigger things to worry about right now. Mainly the fact that he just fucking stuck his tongue down Sirius Black’s throat. This was different than the kiss on the cheek that Sirius had given him from time to time, or more recently the kiss Sirius had given him while utterly fucking plastered on Sirius’ sixteenth birthday that they had both decided to pretend never happened, no matter how much it killed Remus.
No, this was different. This hadn’t been a quick snog on the cheek or an impulsive kiss that had quickly fizzled out with regret and fear. No, this had been passionate and undeniably deliberate. And after what Sirius had said to him. . . no, this couldn’t be played off or ignored.
“Fuck,” Remus hissed, closing his eyes as a wave of nausea rolled over him. “What have I done?”
When Remus returned to the Slytherin common room, there was a Queen record spinning quietly in the background and the only lingering friends were Mary, Regulus, Barty and Evan. Everyone else seemed to have gone to bed. During the walk back Remus had managed to sober himself up.
“Managed to escape Filch, did you?” Mary asked, though Remus knew it wasn’t a question. Remus scanned the room, running a hand down his face in irritation when he realized what song was playing.
Love of my life, don't leave me
You've taken my love and now desert me
Love of my life, can't you see?
Bring it back, bring it back
Don't take it away from me
Because you don't know what it means to me
“James and Pete went to bed a little while ago.” There was a knowing look in Mary’s gaze that made Remus uneasy. He felt like he was being examined. "That's quite the bruise on your neck, there." Mary raised an eyebrow and Remus felt his face burn. Mary just nodded as though Remus had just confirmed something for her. Then again, he probably had. Sighing, Remus walked over to the couch and threw himself onto its soft, green pillows.
“I’m taking it you don’t want to sleep in the same room as my brother.” Remus only nodded, throwing an arm over his eyes.
“Probably just gonna crash in the common room tonight,” Remus grumbled.
“If you crash on the couch you won’t get a wink of sleep,” Mary tells him, “and you’re gonna need that if you want any chance of remedying the massive hangover you're gonna have tomorrow.”
“She’s right,” Evan agrees, his words slightly slurred. Remus sighs and looks at his friends.
“What do you suggest then?” Regulus smirked.
“We have an empty bed in our dorm,” Evan explained.
“There’s only ever been the three of us,” Barty added.
“You’re offering to let me crash with you lot?” Something warm filled Remus’ chest. Regulus shrugged.
“Why not? It is your birthday after all.” Remus smiled.
“Thanks. Really.”
“Yeah, yeah, we’re amazing and wonderful,” Barty said, waving it off. “I’m knackered, so can we go now?” Remus snorted.
“Lead the way.”
As expected, Remus woke the next morning with a pounding headache, dry mouth and rolling stomach. The three other boys seemed to be in a similar state, more or less. Remus got dressed, wearing the same trousers and shirt as the previous day. After looking for some time for his sweater which seemed to have disappeared, Remus gave up and headed down to the dining hall for breakfast, leaving the three Slytherins to sleep in.
It felt strange walking around with his scarred arms on display. It was Sunday, so no one had classes and uniforms were optional. Remembering the promise Remus had made to Lily to sit with her for a meal here and there, he made his way to sit with the redhead. James, Peter and Sirius were all sitting across from her, each in varying degrees of hungover misery. James, the bastard, was completely unaffected, sipping his tea and serving up a full English for Peter who was hunched over his cup of tea. Sirius looked the worst, with his head down resting on his arms. James smiled when Remus took a seat next to Lily, who looked only mildly better than Peter.
“Morning Moons,” James greeted in his usual kind and cheery spirit. Remus had missed it. Peter grunted in greeting.
“Morning Prongs.” Sirius’ head snapped up at the sound of Remus’ voice. Remus only glanced at him before turning back the plate he was serving up for himself. Still, it only took one brief look to take in the dark circles under his tired-looking eyes, the papery thin skin and messy hair that had been haphazardly thrown into a bun, his wand holding it unsuccessfully in place. Sirius opened his mouth to say something, but Barty and Evan appeared.
“Morning Evan, Barty.” James nodded at the two boys, eyeing them for a reason Remus didn’t quite understand.
“Morning Potter,” Barty said far too cheerfully for someone who had thrown a pillow at Remus not fifteen minutes ago for being too noisy while getting ready. Evan nodded at the lot of them before raising an eyebrow at Barty. The two of them smirked, and Remus internally groaned. What were these two up to now?
“You forgot this,” Evan said, easily handing Remus his sweater, the one he hadn’t been able to find.
“Must have gotten lost in the pile of clothes,” Barty told him, looking far too slick for Remus’ liking. He wasn’t one for innuendoes, generally speaking. Then Remus caught the look on Sirius's face. Jealous would be an understatement. Remus smirked, understanding the boys’ plan at once.
“Yeah,” Remus agreed, “I knew I threw it somewhere, but I couldn’t find it this morning. Cheers.”
“Don’t mention it,” Evan said slyly before shooting a look at Barty who raised an eyebrow suggestively. The two walked away together. James cleared his throat as Remus pulled the sweater over his head.
“So you stayed with them last night?” His tone was light, but Remus knew he was just trying to break the silence that had settled over the hungover students.
“Yeah, something like that.”