Chapter 3
Remus had never really been all that good at making friends. Growing up, Remus had always been separated from other kids his age due to his lycanthropy.
“We just want to keep you safe, dear,” Remus’ mother had told him all those years ago when Remus asked why he couldn’t go to his playgroup anymore a few months after the bite.
This hadn’t made much sense to Remus, even then. If his parents had wanted to keep him safe, why did they lock him up in a room laced with silver and wolfsbane? If they wanted to protect him, why didn’t they take him to the hospital after a particularly hard full moon? If his parents really did want to keep him safe, why had a scary man with large hands snuck into his room at night, branding him for life? It didn’t make sense. The math didn’t add up.
Nevertheless, his parents stood strong, and Remus spent the next six years of his life homeschooled, hauled up inside a small cottage in the Welsh countryside reading books and playing with sticks to pass the time.
So Remus grew up estranged from the other children his age, watching with envy as his father took Pandora to school, a homemade lunch clenched in the small girl's hand. But there was hope - a school named Hogwarts, made for kids like him, his mother told him one night before bed.
Kids like me, Remus repeated in his head whenever his days felt especially empty and desolate.
It had been his mother, who had insisted on Remus attending Hogwarts. His father, Lyall, on the other hand, had believed that holding off on letting him attend for a few more years would be the safer option. Remus' transformations had grown to be more violent and dangerous as he grew out of early childhood. There had been a few close calls that had nearly ended in Remus bleeding out completely, only saved by a few blood supplement potions Lyall had kept for emergencies.
"Remus might not have many years left," Remus had overheard Lyall say one night. Due to the waxing moon, his senses had been heightened, and he barely had to strain to try and listen in on his parents' conversations.
“We don't know how his. . . transformations will change and evolve. It would be best to keep him home."
"If what you saying is correct," Hope had said, her voice full of fire, "then Remus should at the very least get to spend his remaining years surrounded by kids his age. For God's sake Lyall! He's eleven years old and he's never had a real friend. I don't want Remus to live his life -- however long or short it might be -- lonely and separate from any form of friend. Surely, you don't want that for your son."
Remus lay frozen in his bed, throat uncomfortably tight.
After a moment of silence, Lyall sighed.
"He will leave for Hogwarts in September."
And that was how Remus found himself stepping onto a steam-powered train full of students of varying sizes wearing robes almost exactly like his, though the colours red, blue, green and yellow seemed to separate the lot. Remus had never been around so many people before, let alone kids his age, and his stomach was a mess of knots and butterflies, leaving him feeling slightly nauseous.
He took an empty train cabin near the back, relieved to have some silence and time to himself. The quiet was shortly disrupted when a boy Remus' age with long black hair, pale skin and high cheekbones burst into the cabin. Remus startled slightly, sitting up straight and staring at the boy with big eyes. The dark-haired student raised an eyebrow at Remus, his head nodding towards the empty seat in front of Remus.
"Mind if I sit with you?"
Remus swallowed, his throat suddenly quite dry. "N-no. ‘S’all yours."
Once taken his seat, the boy turned back to Remus, offering him his hand.
"I'm Sirius. Sirius Black," The boy told him.
"Remus Lupin," Remus said in return, shaking Sirius' hand.
Sirius smiled, blinding and impossible to look away from at the same time.
It was then that Remus realized he was no longer alone.
Over the past week, breakfast with the Slytherins had become a part of Remus’ new routine. It was uncomfortable and strange at first, full of sharp looks and jabs at one another. Over time, the poorly concealed tension had dulled, and Remus had found himself settling into the playful banter and deadpan responses that were an integral part of the group.
Remus had fought with himself at first, hating that he found himself laughing at Regulus’ crude remarks and Evan’s endless jabs at Barty. These were people Remus had spent years disliking -- even hating. To have that suddenly challenged was… strange. But it was also nice. For five years Remus hadn’t ventured to talk to people outside of his fellow Marauders and the girls, unless it was for school work or some other necessity. Spending time with his sister and her friends was almost liberating. Plus it didn’t hurt that Remus knew it would upset Sirius if he found out he had made friends with his brother.
Really, Sirius deserved to feel like shit, after what he did.
“Okay but here’s what I don’t understand,” Pandora said sitting upside down on the couch, her head hanging off the seat while her legs rested against the back. Regulus was lying on the couch next to her, his head on her chest and his legs over the sofa's arm. “The sorting hat is set up to separate the students into different houses based on our values and such, right? What kind of values does an eleven-year-old possess that are so important that they will literally dictate your peer group, perspective on life, and everyone else's perception of you for years to come? I mean really." Pandora let out a frustrated huff. For as long as Remus could remember, Pandora had found the sorting system foolish and unnecessary. He'd be lying if he said he didn't see the system's flaws, but at the end of the day, it had led him to James, Peter and Sirius, so he never really questioned it further.
"Nothing’s stopping anyone from making friends outside of their house," Dorcas points out. "I mean, you certainly did."
Pandora sits up, causing Regulus to momentarily lift his head up before resting on her lap moments later when Pandora righted herself. "It's more complicated than that. The only reason I found myself surrounded by so many Slytherins is because the Ravenclaws simply didn't like me." The blonde shrugged, saying it in such a matter-of-fact manner that Remus almost ignored it, focusing on the book he was reading.
Almost.
"What do you mean they didn't like you?" Remus puts his book down, staring at Pandora from his spot in a deep purple armchair. "What did they say to you?"
The younger Lupin simply rolled her eyes. "Oh stop with that big brother nonsense. It doesn't matter now, anyway, I found my people." Regulus hummed in agreement.
"Aww, you're our people too, Dora," Barty said loudly from his usual spot on the floor.
"Yeah," Evan said in agreement while Dorcas nodded in support. It was true, Remus had realized over the past week. The group really did seem to care about one another, from the way Regulus gently played with Pandora's hair while she angrily ranted about classes to the way Dorcas helped Evan with his astronomy, although begrudgingly. It wasn't loud and full of unguarded laughter like it was with the Marauders, but it was full of knowing glances, inside jokes and an undercurrent of fierce loyalty. It was different, but Remus wasn't stupid. He knew what love looked like.
Remus went back to his book, the conversation dulling to a gentle white noise he had grown so accustomed to in the Gryffindor common room. It was nice, having the buzz of life and easy conversation in the background. In the last few weeks, the dorm had been full of stilted silences and the common room had lost some of its warmth in the absence of the Marauders and their chaos. It was Sirius and James who had really made the difference, though Remus’ dry quips and Pete's taunting comments made to egg on the boys had added to the atmosphere. With the loss of the boy's bright friendship, it felt as though the world had lost a bit of its colour. Though, that may have just been Remus.
It was only when he realized someone had been saying his name that he looked up to see the others looking at him expectantly.
"Is it true, Lupin?" It was Barty who asked. Remus found that he couldn't detect any real aggression or malice behind the question. Somehow even Barty Crouch Jr. had softened to him over the week. Remus looked at him with a blank expression, unsure of what he was even asking. "Your birthday," Barty prompted. "Pandora just said it was coming up."
"Oh." Remus' eyes darted to his sister who only smiled. "Yeah, it's coming up," he said, returning to his book.
"Come on, Lupin," Regulus said, turning his attention to him. "You could at least tell us what day it's on."
Remus raised an eyebrow at the boy, putting his book down. "I really can't tell if that's a threat or not."
Regulus rolled his eyes, though a smirk seemed to be pulling at his lips. "Tell me or don't. I'll just ask Pandora later."
There wasn't much point in withholding the information. It's not like he was going to spend the day doing anything of note anyway. "The tenth," he told them honestly.
Regulus nodded once before returning to his book. Once again the conversation resumed and Remus was left with a strange feeling in his stomach, only he didn't know why.
Returning to the dorm room was something that Remus avoided at every cost, only returning for bed past curfew and leaving early in the morning. It had lowered Remus' chances of running into Sirius significantly, but with such a small year and classes together, it was impossible to avoid the boy altogether.
Remus hadn't been paying attention to where he was going, walking down the castle's corridors haphazardly flipping through his notes when he heard his name called out. He jumped, suddenly snapping back to himself, unfortunately causing him to drop the books and paper he had tucked under one arm.
"Shit," He muttered under his breath, bending down to pick his things up off the floor while his ears burned with embarrassment. Once he gathered his items and what remained of his dignity, he looked up to see Lily, Mary and Marlene looking at him with a mix of amusement and frustration. Leaning against this wall, his hair spilling over his shoulders onto his white shirt like ink, was Sirius. He looked at his usual effortlessly tousled self, twirling the wand in his hand for added effect. Remus sucked in a sharp breath, squaring his shoulders and turning his attention to Lily. Only that too caused his heart to stumble with panic. Remus was hit with the sudden urge to flee the scene, but one look from Lily told him everything he needed to know. This was happening, he was just going to have to suck it up.
"Remus," Lily repeated, "I haven't been able to track you down in over a month." She was smiling, but Remus could see the worry and frustration hidden in the set of her jaw and the slightly strained skin around her eyes.
"Yeah," He says, reaching up to rub his neck awkwardly as he drags his feet toward the group. "Sorry, I've been really busy studying. You know. . . OWLs and that."
"Ahh, of course." She wasn't buying it. That much was obvious. Shame climbed its way up Remus' throat. He swallowed hard, refusing to look down at his shoes. He turned to Marlene, hoping desperately for some sort of normal conversation. Only her eyes were dark, glaring at him with such ferocity it startled him. When he looked at Mary her gaze was darting from Remus to Sirius, both knowing and uncertain at the same time.
Remus was just about to make up some shitty excuse about school work or other when Sirius spoke.
"Got any plans for your birthday? I'm sure James has got something big planned." His gray eyes were uncertain but hopeful. Remus clenched his jaw, anger bubbling up inside of him. Over the past couple of weeks he had managed to keep it at bay, but standing in front of Sirius caused it to all come crashing back down.
"Don't you think James would have told you if he had something planned?" Remus asked him coldly. “Or has he stopped talking to you, too?”
"Never mind Potter," A new voice came from just behind Remus, "He'll be spending the day with us this year." Sirius' jaw dropped while a smirk broke across Remus' face.
"Reggie?" Sirius looked at his little brother in utter disbelief, his eyes darting between Remus and the group of five standing behind them.
"Hm, so it seems you haven't forgotten me, then." Regulus was cold towards his brother, and it was then that Remus remembered that while Sirius had managed to escape his mother's iron grip, Regulus had not been so lucky. Sirius had spent hours talking to Remus about the guilt he felt, leaving his younger brother in such a home. Remus had reassured him then, reminding him that Regulus was not his responsibility, that he had done all that he could. Remus isn't an idiot, he knows Sirius couldn't have stayed in that house. It would have killed him, and no matter what the two of them went through, Remus never wished harm - let alone death - upon Sirius.
There seemed to be an electric intensity between the two brothers; Sirius' eyes were full of fire meeting Regulus' eyes of ice. It strikes Remus how similar the two are, despite how opposite they can appear. Fire and ice, while opposites of each other, are still united in their extremes. Two sides of the same coin.
"Regulus, I-" Sirius started, but Regulus cut him short.
"I think you'll find this isn't the time nor place to argue, brother." Regulus raises an eyebrow, almost challenging Sirius to argue anyway. Shockingly, he doesn't, instead clenching his jaw and keeping his mouth shut. The thing about Sirius, though, is that while he isn't afraid to use his words, Remus has always noted they aren't necessary. His eyes tell you everything. This is no different.
Fine, they say, but we will talk about this later.
Regulus, on the other hand, is completely neutral. Remus couldn't read him even if he had a dictionary on Regulus Black's body language. Sirius doesn't seem to have the same issue, however, as he gives his brother one single nod before turning to Remus.
"So you're hanging out with my brother now?" Sirius asks. His voice is nonchalant, his expression carefully blank. To anyone else, it would seem that Sirius had an air of apathy swirling around him. But Remus isn't just anyone else. No, he knows this boy in all his twisted secrets and lowest moments. He sees right through the facade. There's hurt and betrayal hidden right beneath the surface. Good, Remus thinks selfishly, now he feels a fraction of what he put me through.
It’s not that Remus wants to hurt Sirius, necessarily. It’s just that, well, Sirius fucked up. Badly. So he doesn't feel any remorse when Remus says "He's good company. You might know that if you'd stuck around." Remus has to stop himself from smirking watching the mix of emotions swirl around in Sirius' eyes. This is it, Remus thinks. Now they can yell and fight and hurl horrible words at each other, then maybe start to put this all behind them. But that doesn't happen. Sirius doesn't yell, curse or try to throw a punch. No, Remus watches as Sirius' eyes start to shine before he pushes past his brother and takes off down the hallway.
Remus watches the weight of what he just said washing over him. He had gone too far, and now he'd hurt Sirius. Remus thought that was what he had wanted, but he was wrong. Guilt so strong it feels like nausea bubbles up inside him, threatening to climb up his throat.
"Fuck you," Marlene says with so much ferocity Remus flinches, taking a step back. He watches as she takes after the raven-haired boy, her blonde hair disappearing down the corridor. Panicked, Remus looks to Lily who only clenches her jaw and storms off. Remus turns to Mary, the only other Griffendore there.
"Mary-" He tries, but Mary isn't having it.
"Don't." Mary holds up her hand, disappointment and anger flashing in her dark eyes. "I don't know what you two are fighting about this time, but you went too far. I don't care what Sirius did or said, that was fucked up, and you know it." Then she too turned and walked away, leaving Remus standing there completely unsure of what to do. Slowly Remus turns around. Regulus looks at him with a mix of respect and irritation.
"You didn't need to do that," He tells Remus.
"You shouldn't have done that," Pandora adds.
"It was deserved," Evan protested.
"Yeah, Sirius is a dick," Barty agrees.
Dorcas doesn't say anything, her expression looks more amused than anything else, so it isn't much help. Running a hand down his face, Remus sighs, debating what to do. Marlene had already gone after Sirius, and honestly, Remus really wasn't in the mood to apologize to him of all people. He had gone too far, sure, but he wasn’t about to beg for Sirius’ forgiveness. Knowing Mary, she probably wasn't really angry, just disappointed. Remus would make it up to her later. That left Lily. Lily who looked angry. Lily who he hadn't talked to and actively avoided for over a month.
"I'll find you guys later," Remus said as he started walking in the direction the redhead had taken off. He didn't wait for their response before breaking into a run.
He finally found Lily outside sitting by the lake, her knees tucked up to her chest, her chin resting on top. Snow fell down around them, gently landing on her long red hair that was cascading down her back. Guilt lurched in Remus' stomach, his mouth going dry at once. He had had a sinking suspicion he would find her here. Urging himself forward, Remus wordlessly took a seat next to her.
After a few minutes of silence, Remus found it unbearable. "Hey Lils," He said gently, the nickname rolling off his tongue easily. Suddenly Lily punched Remus in the shoulder. Hard. Pain burst through his shoulder and down into his arm.
"Fuck, Red!" Remus clutched at his wounded shoulder. It didn't help that she hit the one he had dislocated last full moon, making it a bit tender.
"You deserve that and worse," She told him angrily. Remus closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, preparing himself for the conversation to come.
"Yeah," he said quietly. "yeah, I know." Lily looks away from the lake, turning to him. He refuses to meet her gaze, instead focusing on the dark cold water of the Black Lake. "Go on," He tells her. "Let me have it."
"Remus," She said gently. It surprised him, causing him to face her. Her green eyes meet his amber ones. "I'm angry at you, okay? I have every right to be. But, mostly I'm concerned. I haven't seen you since that night. What was I supposed to think?"
That night had admittedly not been his proudest moment. Two nights after the incident, Remus had been clutching a near-empty bottle of fire whiskey in his hand as he stood on the wall of the Astronomy tower, looking out over the forest and mountains. His head was pounding and hot tears were streaming down his face. The cold air bit at his face, but thanks to the alcohol he couldn't the freezing temperatures, instead leaving him comfortably numb.
A decade of anger, resentment, loneliness and bitter self-loathing came crashing down on him in one night, leaving him looking down at the bottom of a bottle of fire whisky as he dragged his still-healing body up to the tallest point of the castle. His father's angry words ricocheted around his head, repeating themselves over and over.
Monster, monster, monster
And that’s what he was, wasn’t he? Why else would Sirius tell Snape such a thing, if not to scare him away at the threat of letting loose a vicious beast? It had left him feeling hollowed out and empty, as though his organs were going into failure and his heart beginning to slow. It was like his father said all those years ago; Remus wasn’t meant to have many years left, so why prolong the pain?
Looking down at the ground far below him, he had heard someone suck in a deep breath behind him. Remus froze, his heart pounding in his chest. That smell, he knew that smell.
Please, just go away, Remus thought desperately. Leave me to my fate.
But the person behind him did not walk away, leaving the young man standing on a ledge. No, instead they gently walked towards him, stopping only a few paces away.
“Remus, what are you doing?”
Remus slowly turned around, finding himself staring into the fierce green eyes of Lily Evans. Something in him shuttered, his brain trying and failing to catch up. What was Lily doing here? Was she looking for him? Did she know about Sirius? Did she know about me? Then Remus saw the pack of cigarettes left discarded by the door that hadn’t been there previously. A smoke break. Some part of Remus could see the humour of that being the thing that brought her to him.
Lily held his gaze, her eyes softening when Remus swallowed harshly. Suddenly, he realized that he didn’t really want to die. How could he when he had Lily Evans in his life?
“Don’t do this,” she said gently, shockingly calm given the circumstances. She took another step toward him. “Why don’t we get some hot chocolate from the kitchens and talk like we used to?”
And oh, did that sound good. Remus took one more look: the large mountains and hills, the dark trees making up the Forbidden Forest, and the hard ground far, far below him. He thinks about his friends and his family. Out of everyone, it's his mother who sticks out to him. It was her willpower that had led Remus to Hogwarts. It was his mother who had given him the chance to live outside of his small cottage in the countryside. She had fought for this, for him. And then there was Pandora. His lovely, kind, slightly strange little sister. That seemed to open the floodgates, because then images of James, Peter, dammit even Sirius flooded his mind.
Carefully, he stepped down from the ledge, his heart in his throat and his head swimming with alcohol. Lily let out a breath she had been holding before quickly closing the distance between the two friends.
Remus curled into her, burying his head in her shoulder. It didn’t matter that he was far taller, as his legs gave out not long after and Lily gently led them to the floor.
Tears streamed down Remus’ cheeks hot and full of anguish. His entire body shook with his sobs, leaving him gasping for breath before sobbing some more. Lily sat there with him, one arm gripped tightly around his torso, the other gently stroking his hair as she rocked them gently back and forth. She whispered soothing words to him like a mother trying to soothe her child. It was a side of Lily Remus hadn’t seen before.
He was used to the intelligent, friendly girl with a fiery temper and fierce loyalty to her friends. He had watched her hex countless foolish boys and ace every test she had taken, both written and practical. Lily was a force to be reckoned with and nothing short of amazing.
Now, she let him cry. She held him with such care and love that Remus felt as though he was five years old again, not quite understanding why he couldn't play with the other kids his age. Not understanding why everything hurt so much. No understanding of what he would face for the years to come.
Lily didn’t ask him why he had dragged himself to the astronomy tower after drowning himself in his sorrows and whisky. She didn’t ask what had happened or who had hurt him. She simply comforted him in a way no one else could.
After an unknown amount of time, Remus’ violent sobs had slowed and his eyes had run out of tears. His head felt foggy and his throat raw. Lily helped him up, keeping him steady as they left the tower. They didn’t say anything as Lily led him through Hogwarts and to her dorm. Mary and Marlene were already fast asleep, making it easy to sneak him in. Lily helped Remus take off his shoes and uniform shirt, handing him a soft jumper to wear instead. The two curled up in Lily’s bed, Remus' head lying on her stomach.
Remus fell into a deep sleep, his body emotionally and physically exhausted from the alcohol and tears. The next morning when he awoke groggy and hung over, the dorm was empty. A potion bottle and a plate of scrambled eggs and toast sat on the bedside table with a note.
Dear Remus,
Eat the food, then drink the potion. It’ll help with the hangover. I told McGonagal you weren’t feeling well and you’ve been excused from your classes. You’re welcome for that. The girls don’t know about our little sleepover, and I haven’t told anyone.
Meet me by the lake after classes to talk. I promise to bring chocolate.
Love
- Lily
Remus hadn’t met Lily by the lake under their favourite tree that day. Instead, Remus had hidden himself away in the library. He couldn’t even look at himself in the mirror, let alone face his best friend. He knew what she would see: a broken, angry little boy with a smile a tad too sharp and eyes a little too empty. Remus didn’t have to meet his own gaze to know that much.
It had been four weeks since Remus had talked to Lily. He had missed her desperately, but he had been too prideful and stubborn to seek her out and apologize. To tell her the truth.
Remus took a shaky breath. “I'm sorry,” He tells her honestly, his voice a little thicker than he would have liked. “I shouldn’t have. . . I-” His voice breaks. Remus drops his head into his hands, scrubbing at his face. “Fuck,” He hisses, though it comes out as more of a half sob.
“Remus,” Lily asks, her voice strained. “What happened?” He looks at her, his eyes stinging.
“I’m a werewolf. A half-breed. A monster.” Lily’s eyebrows shoot up in shock, her lips parting in a silent gasp. “They know - Sirius knows - and he,” Remus stops short, looking into the green, watering eyes of Lily Evans. “He told Snape. He knows. And I,” He laughs bitterly, “I don’t know what to do.”
“Remus. . .”
“I trusted him,” Remus tells her, voice rough and full of anguish. “I fucking trusted him and he just- threw it away. He threw me away like I was just some sort of wild animal that he could unleash whenever he so chooses. And I-” And oh, isn’t this the cherry on top, “ I still love him. I shouldn’t, but I do and I- what do I do?”
Lily grabs him by the shoulders, tugging him into her chest and stroking his hair as his tears mix and intertwine with hers. The betrayal and loss aren’t as violent as it was that night in the astronomy tower. And that’s really where it all comes from, isn’t it? Remus loves Sirius. Has loved him for years, he thinks. It had taken time, letting his walls come down bit by bit, eventually letting the passionate, loud yet surprisingly gentle boy into his heart. And even now as he stands among the wreckage and mess that Sirius left behind, his eyes are still fixated on the horizon that Sirius fled over, waiting for him to return. Remus should be angry - furious - and he is but. . .
Remus should hate Sirius. He should.
But he doesn’t. He just- can’t. Remus doesn’t have it in him.
“I’m so fucked,” He said, laughing bitterly.
“Yeah,” Lily agreed through her own tears. “A bit.”