So it goes...
Look, Sirius is used to public scrutiny. He was born into a public family, just like James, just like his brother. And after escaping that life, he went right back to it, he became a rockstar, or at least that was what albas liked to call it. He didn't want to be ungrateful, he knew he was luckier than most, but the whole "no privacy" thing is starting to get fucking old.
Lily insisted on throwing a little party for Regulus' birthday ever since she discovered it in the plane from Berlin. So he had a concert in about eight hours, Regulus' birthday tomorrow and three paparazzi following as he tried to find a nice place he could get a cake for tomorrow. "Vainilla cake with strawberry filling, not a strawberry shortcake, Regulus hates biscuit." He reminded himself, hoping that regulus taste in cakes hasn't change in all these years.
He tried to focus on that, instead of the footsteps that followed him through the streets of Berlin. It wasn’t this bad always, at least, it wasn’t this bad before Regulus left the Black Manor. But Sirius should be accustomed to being followed around. He finally found a bakery that seemed nice and wasn’t as crowded, the last thing he wanted was to get recognized. He was doing this for Regulus, for his little brother’s birthday, what was a couple of paparazzi following him around after all?
He made the line, wondering if maybe not bringing Peter was a bad idea. As terrible as his German was, it was better than the no-german-at-all that Sirius offered, because he wasn’t so sure that anyone spoke english.
“Hello, I need a cake for tomorrow and it’s quite specific, can I get it done here?” He said to the guy on the cash register when it was finally his turn, he looked at him with confusion all over his face. Gosh, he should have brought Peter.
“Hey, need help?” It was a girl, she seemed quite young, maybe 16 or 17, the German accent was strong. The moment she looked at Sirius, something clicked in her head, her mouth open wide. “Oh, oh! You’re Sirius Black, from the Marauders.”
“Yeah, I am.” Sirius answered politely, she was just one fan, maybe a picture or something, then Regulus’ cake, and he could go back to the hotel.
“You are so amazing, and James is too, sure Peter and Remus, but James is so fucking great.” She was rambling, and Sirius took a deep breath, it was okay, she was just a girl. “Aren’t you annoyed that he is dating Regulus? I mean, I would be so annoyed if James dated my brother instead of me.”
“That’s not— Why would I be-?” He started, but was soon interrupted.
“I never understood why you left home, and Regulus, I mean, Orion seems so sweet, and I would love to be a nepo baby. My friend thinks it is because you had a relationship with James so you wanted to escape with him. That would be so iconic.”
So what did his fans think of him? That he left his family for an affair? To be dramatic? He closed his eyes, he would be in so much trouble if he lashed out to a fan, to a teenage girl. The headlines would be the worst, and it would just give his parents more to grab onto.
So he ran.
He was a 21 year old man running away from a teenage girl, just because she said something mean. And somehow that send him into a fucking spiral. He didn’t care if the cameras were still waiting for him outside the bakery, or if this would cause controversy, running away from a fan. It was better than the rage filled answer he was about to formulate. By the time he reach the lobby, security was clearly confused by his behavior, somewhere along the way, he started crying.
The worst thing? It wasn’t news. He knew all about the rumors of the reason he left the Black Manor, since no one ever gave a statement on it. Not James, not Effie, not Monty, not his parents, and specially not him. It was only known that one day Sirius has heir to the Black brand, and the next, he was living with famous actors Euphemia and Fleamont Potter, disowned and down on his luck. So rumors sparked, him being an addict, being gay and his parents bigoted, being an asshole and self-centered, not caring about fashion, being in love with James, even committing a crime so awful that he needed to get out of his house. But not once someone think that maybe that was the only way for him to survive, to leave, because that house was killing him, killing them.
Sirius was 15, and he thought that by leaving, he would escape his last name, his family. But every time he hide Remus, or played into an affair, he felt so much like his mother, lying to the media to protect her image. Every time he ran away, drowned by his anger, trying hard to not be hurtful, he felt just like his father, absent in his attempts to avoid being hurtful. He was so convinced he was different from his parents, but no matter how much he ran, his family always found him.
The elevator was the worst part, he wasn’t running anymore, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t breath. He tried so hard, tried to rationalize it, to calm himself down, to understand what put him into this state. But he realized it was everything, Regulus coming back, the fight with Remus, the interviews, the girl in the bakery. He was being haunted again, by his decision to escape, by his family, his guilt in Regulus’ suffering, just like he had been ever since he was a child.
The elevator came to a stop on the last floor, his floor, and the doors opened.
“Sirius?” He looked up, and he found his father’s eyes, his mother’s smile, his same hair, just a little shorter. “What happened?”
So he ran again.
He ran past his brother. Trying to reach his room, it wasn’t home, it wasn’t the safety that his room back in the Potter’s made him feel. But it was privacy, something he yearn for so badly, a sense of escape.
Hours passed, and no one bothered him. The curtains were drawn, the room was silent, so was the hallway. So he laid there, crying, then silent, and then crying again, until he felt nothing but emptiness. It happened every time, he felt everything, rage, sadness, guilt, and then nothing. He knew rehearsal was any minute now, but he just couldn’t bring himself to stand up and search for his friends. Remus hadn’t come to see him, and it was another pain, but one he needed to ignore. “Sirius, dear.”
Minerva’s voice from the other side of the room broke through the silence. He wasn’t crying anymore, he could feel the dry tears in his cheeks. “We have to leave for rehearsal in ten.”
“Coming.” He managed to get out, more stable than what he expected. He sat up on the edge of the bed, took a deep breath.
The show must go on.
“We will just do it from the top, okay? It happens.” James said, trying to reassure him. It was the third time he fucked up that riff, he just couldn’t concentrate, his hands weren’t working like they should. Remus was throwing him worried looks, but he refused to acknowledge them. Sirius needed to block the problems, the pain. Everything was just fine, great.
It took another two tries for Sirius' patience to run out. “Let’s just continue, okay? I will be fine for the concert, just- please.” He needed to continue, because the tears were again threatening to come out.
“Let’s do I wanna be yours, we haven’t played that one on tour.” Because the song was slow, and almost repetitive, because it was an easy song. Remus just gave him a break, and he was so grateful for it.
It went almost smoothly after that, but they didn’t talk much. The usual jokes and teasing, the fun they had in rehearsal, was nowhere to be seen today. Just concerned looks towards Sirius each time he missed a cue or was too distracted on his thoughts to hear any change they were discussing.
“What is going on?” Remus approached him at the end of the rehearsal, as they were moving backstage.
“It’s nothing, Rem.” He answered, without looking. He expected this conversation after the mess that the rehearsal was. Remus was his boyfriend, and even if things haven’t been great lately, he cared. And that was what hurt the most.
“Regulus told me, he saw you crying.” This made him look up, frowning. So he knew he was not well, and he didn’t check on him? “Don’t look at me like that, we both know that if a went to try and help, you would have just push me away.”
It wasn’t an attack, there was no anger in his voice, as if he was just stating a fact, and there was nothing Sirius could have said to deny it. They both knew it was true. “I’m sorry.” It’s all he could say, for the rehearsal, for breaking down, for pushing him away.
“Guys, we need to go now.” James interrupted, calling from backstage.
“We’ll talk about it back in the hotel, promise?”
“Promise.”
The rehearsal was probably even worse. Normally, music made Sirius take his mind out of everything, it was just him and his guitar. But the riff for the surprise song was making him reconsider every decision.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” He let go of the guitar, hands covering his face now.
“Mate, it’s okay, it’s a hard riff, but you can do this.” James tried to calm him down.
“We have rehearsals exactly for this.” Peter confirmed.
“No, we fucking don’t, and i made this riff, I shouldn’t be fucking it up.” Sirius sat down, trying to calm himself down, but he couldn’t breath well enough to do it.
“Okay, maybe… let’s try it one more time, love, don’t be so hard on yourself.” Remus talked from behind, and Sirius breathed deep, then stood up.
“Fine.” One more time.
Half a minute into the song, he threw his guitar to the floor, his hands pulling his hair. All of them stopped playing and looked at him, waiting. There was silence for a while.
“You know what? I’m feeling more ‘I wanna be yours’ tonight.” Peter broke the silence, and Sirius felt like a burden all over again.
“Yeah, kinda like a slower night, maybe we can go with Iris too.”
“Sure, let’s go with the slower songs because Sirius can’t get his shit together.” He walked away from the stage, biting his lip and trying hard not to cry.
Remus found him a while later, in one of the changing rooms backstage. Sitting on the floor, red eyes and scratches all over his shoulders.
“Hey, love.” He sat next to him, not quite touching him. “We miss you out there, James is picking slutty outfits in your honor.” Sirius almost laugh, but couldn’t quite reach it.
“I was messing up too much.” He said, hugging himself.
“No, hey, Sirius, look at me.” He did, and there was just concern in Remus' eyes. “We all have bad days, remember that night in Soho? I was running from the beat. And you are so fucking great always, and so so talented.”
He moved so he could be in front of Sirius, taking his hands. “We wouldn’t be anything without you.” “You would probably have much less of PR disasters and scandals.”
“Then it wouldn’t be fun at all. And even if you are kind of a mess, I will always be right by your side.”
It broke Sirius, he was crying once again, but at least this time, it was in Remus’ arms. He wished to be a better boyfriend, a better friend, a better brother, a better artist.
So he kissed Remus, because it was the only way that maybe he could keep his mind from his thoughts. He kissed him like his life was depending on it, like he probably hadn't in months. Next thing he knew, he was on Remus’ lap, kissing him until they were out of breath.
“It’s almost time… anyone could come in, love, we shouldn’t-”
“Please.” He begged.
And when it happened, he felt at peace. He felt love, seen, even if they were a secret touch in a changing room, he felt like everything was falling right into place that moment. Because that’s exactly what Remus made him feel, he made everything disappear, it was just so simple. For once, he felt like just Sirius, not Sirius Black, not Sirius from the Marauders, not Sirius, brother to Regulus. He was just Sirius.
Regulus hasn't seen much from the Marauders since they arrived in Berlin. But what he overheard from the girls was that the rehearsal was messy, he would ask around later, but the show was far too good, and far too interesting to actually care about the mess they made before.
Because sure, they all knew James Potter was an attractive person. Anywhere he went, he was probably the most handsome one in the room. But whoever chose to dress him in low jeans and a semi transparent lace croptop, definitely wanted you to never forget just how hot James was. And Regulus Black doesn’t have a thing for singers, but he had to try so hard to convince himself that it was just the song that was causing him to feel all this emotions, and not that he was attracted to James himself.
You really shouldn’t blame him, you would think the same if you had James Potter, famous rockstar, singing “Maybe I just wanna be yours.” in a voice that Regulus was sure should just be aloud inside a bedroom. And he could swear, maybe it was just the stage lights, maybe it was just the Regulus delusion, but he could swear that as James repeated those words, he looked right his way, with a smile so bright it could only fit James, he winked at him.
So who could blame him when, a few hours later, he was already in his third tequila shot trying to forget the feeling that one single action caused. Somehow, all of them ended in a bar, after Lily’s insistence, since she wanted to have shots with Regulus right at midnight, when he turned 21, and since no one wanted to deny the opportunity to drink, they ended up in a half empty nice bar in some unknown street of Berlin after the concert.
He asked for another shot, but this time he wasn’t sure if it was for the concert situation, or because of the new feeling he had just discovered. Because Lily and James were laughing, back at the table they were all sitting, hugging her shoulders, all his attention in whatever drunk thought she was voicing. He downed the shot, breathing deep before going back. Now James' attention was on him, his arm leaving Lily’s shoulder. And he couldn’t deal with whatever that was.
He turned around and went right into the balcony. He didn’t understand himself, but he was dealing too much to actually care about whatever that was. He was just trying to get by, he didn’t need to get anything more confusing. “So, a few minutes until 21, how are you feeling?” A voice came from behind.
Great, just amazing.
He turned around, and James was right there, walking towards him, now in simple clothes and his glasses. He looked normal, not like a rockstar, just a 23 year old in a bar on a random Thursday. Regulus turned back around to look at the street. “Normal, it is just another day in life, i guess.”
“What? It is your birthday, it is the most special day of the year, maybe only after Halloween.”
“Of course you love Halloween.”
“Well of course I do, it is the funnest day of the year.” He was now standing next to him, leaning on the railing.
“That is a lot to say from a rockstar, one would think every day is fun in your life.” Regulus looked at him, it wasn’t mean, just kind of ironic, James seemed to have a perfect life, how could one choose a day?
“My life is quite nice, yeah, but not everyday is fun.” James seems to think a bit too much about it, before looking at Regulus. “Do you liked the concert today?”
Regulus was surprised by this, because there was some glint in James' eyes, like he knew. Still, he didn’t lie, nor went back inside. “Yeah, it was really… good. My favorite so far.”
James seemed pleased, looking back at the street. “Yeah, it was a good one.”
“Marlene said something about the rehearsals.”
“Yeah.” He shrugged, taking a step back from the railing to look at Regulus. “Your brother had a rough day. A rough few weeks actually.”
“Since I came around.” He felt some sort of guilt, Sirius seemed to be more stable before he came, more happy. It was hard not knowing what to do to help.
“I like having you around, I really do.” James was drunk, but he was sweet in his day to day life, so maybe that’s just normal? “I missed seeing you.”
Regulus looked at him, and James looked just as surprised. And if it were anyone else, he would probably run, escape, but for some reason, even with the panic that started to settle in, he didn’t want to run away. Because he wanted to keep talking, he wanted James’ full attention, he wanted to be James’ friend, like Sirius and Marlene were, like Lily were, because when they were alone, talking was easy. It just felt right.
So he smiled at James, before looking at the street once more. “I also kinda missed you fools being around.”
Because all of this sounded like a problem for a sober Regulus.