i did something bad
“Lily, Lily!” An interviewer called her name, one of many, but the question made him stand out the most. “What are your opinions on Snape’s sudden fall from fame after last week's rumors? Don’t you feel guilty about your childhood best friend’s downfall?”
She rolled her eyes, tired, and got closer to the mic that he was offering. She didn’t even count to three before answering, to channel every emotion she was feeling, as the media training told her to if something upset her. She just started answering exactly what she thought. “If a man talks shit, then I owe him nothing. He dropped my name this time, but he had been doing it with other girls, it doesn’t matter if it was about me, or any other , and there is no difference if he is my childhood best friend or a complete stranger. He had it coming, so I don’t regret it one bit.”
She was being more rude than she intended to, but she swears if another reporter dares to comment on the Snape’ controversy, she was going to punch them in the face. Sadly, thanks to the Marauders’ Mayhem Tour and the Valkyries being the opening act in the Europe concerts, she had secured herself the spotlight for the press. No disappearing until everything calms down. Nor were they getting questions about their setlist, their preparation for such big concerts, their first concerts, their creative process, none of that. Just about how she was feeling after Severus’ backlash after talking shit about her on live television.
She pushed the doors to the lobby of the studio herself, security being too busy trying to hold off the press that is pressed against each other trying to get a glimpse inside. The only thing in her mind lately has been Severus, since he decided to go out and talked about her on national television. Not exactly nice things. Still, the noise outside could reach her as she moved through the lobby. She had been trying to put aside the Snape situation for the last few days, because there was already too much going on with the band’s first concert and the boys finally arriving in London. There was enough stress around. So she did exactly the same this time, in the elevator, took a deep breath and counted to ten, trying to empty her mind. The doors opened, and she smiled, walking towards the group of people seated in a bunch of sofas.
“You make my intentions to go under the radar very difficult, you know that? ” They all turned around in his seat and a second later, James was jumping out of his seat to run towards her. He hugged her tightly, lifting her from the floor as they turned around, and Lily allowed herself to ease into James’ arms, smiling brightly, genuinely, as she hugged him back. It felt like fresh air after holding her breath so long, because James was here, they were her, and for a moment, she could breath.
The other boys were quick to follow James, standing from their seats and hugging her so tightly she felt asphyxiated, but she didn’t care, they were finally here after two years. A year was so much, when the few calls they got were at ungodly hours and some of them were always lacking sleep. But they made it.
“God, Evans, we missed you.” Peter said, being the last one to let go of the hug.
“And I miss you bunch, a ton.” She smiled, following everyone towards the sofas that were around the room. Marlene, Dorcas and Mary were already here, hands full with plates of food, she greeted them before looking around at them, all comfortable. “Why aren’t you all in the studio already?”
“Wanted to look back to the days when they wouldn't let us in the studio and eat out here.” Marlene answered, moving to make space for Sirius to sit down next to her, or to be closer to Dorcas, who knew.
“Feeling nostalgic, uh?” Lily giggled, finally looking towards the table in the center, finding a bunch of different plates with different foods, a mini buffet for all of them. She put a hand to her chest, exaggerating the indignation in her voice. “You ate waffles without me?”
“James saved you some, wouldn’t let us eat it.” Lily looked at him, raising her eyebrows after Mary finished talking . He took one closed container from the table and opened it, offering it to her.
“Thinking about me, Potter?”
“I always do, Evans.” He winked, and she laughed, making her way to sit from the arm of James’ single couch. She looked around the room as the rest of them laughed, except one in particular she hadn't noticed before. It was familiar, all too similar to Sirius, but very different in some features. His hair was shorter, but his eyes were the same silver as Sirius’. She haven’t seen him in years and didn’t expect to see again after graduating, but the stony look in his face never changed.
“Oh Lils, this is Regulus, my little brother.” Sirius explained, after Lily spent a couple of seconds examining him.
“I know. Hey, Regulus.” She greeted, short and simple, he just smiled, looking quite forced, but she brushed it off as the conversation continued.She suspected he would be here, after everything she had been hearing, and they were never fond of each other, he was too mean for Lily’s liking, she was too kind and obnoxious for his liking, or so everyone told her. He was here now, for reasons she was yet to discover since she couldn’t believe a word about him and James dating, James would have screamed and cried over the phone if it was real, along with the whole article that their parents where in that seemed a little too much, especially knowing what they did to Sirius after he left.
But she wasn’t about to lose energy thinking about yet another man that found her annoying, so instead she focused on eating her waffles while joining the different conversations that were going on in the room. It took them at least another half an hour to finally make their way towards the studio, to have what Peter liked to call it ‘brainstorm day’, which was a stretch. They created them back in school, and they were mostly joking around playing with instruments all day long, ordering pizza with an excuse to their parents to spend summer days in a room in James’ house. It evolved to days in the studio, when they needed to get away from everything and focus on music, for the first year after graduating. Then the Marauders became the biggest up-coming band and got a deal with a bigger record in LA two years ago.
She was tuning her guitar when James approached her, sitting beside her on the floor. The room was loud, it was the biggest studio in the building, but it still felt crowded. They were all catching up, figuring out music, nervousness and excitement being shared, and trying the instruments, so the noise was everywhere. Lily welcomed it to ease her mind constantly thinking.
“Heard about Severus.” That's all he said, but for the first time since it happened, she wasn’t that annoyed by someone bringing it up, but instead it sting, like the words were still venom on her. She kept quiet, focused on the instrument in hand. “He was an asshole, gladly will punch him in the face again.”
She just sighted as she put the guitar on her lap, letting her head rest on James’ shoulder as she hugged her.
“You know you deserve everything you have, you are talented and hardworking and an amazing girl. He is just jealous of everything you have accomplished.”
Lily wished she could just believe him, and she partly did. But hearing your longest friend, the person you used to daydream with and play around with pounds say on live TV that everything that she had done was thanks to her looks, that she was a pretty girl with no talent, undeserving of the award she was given the night before. It hurt.
It hurt not only him saying that, but people backing him up, even if it wasn’t a generalized opinion. They just received an award for the Top New Artist, they announced their appearance on the tour, their popularity was rising after so much work and effort. He attacked her, not The Valkyries, which was something good, she preferred to damaged her own imagine as long as their band as safe, but it didn’t hurt any less.
Teenager lyrics, untruthful, untalented, just a pretty face, all thanks to dating famous people.
She knew her worth but it was difficult with such constant reminders of what people thought of her. And sometimes, in her darkest thoughts, she felt jealous of Sirius and James. Because they were heart-robs, they could have as many exes as they liked, famous or not famous, they were pretty faces and extremely handsome, but their talent was never underestimated. Not their fault, but she was just girl, and they were boys, and that’s they way the world was like.
“It’s okay, Jamie, I know my worth, and he is just a mean man.” She knew she should talk about it instead of just keeping it inside, but it wasn’t the moment. She had to focus on her career, and the many, more important things that are happening.
“Lils! Catch.” James looked like he was about to say something else when Sirius interrupted, throwing a mic towards her that she barely managed to catch. “We are doing Little talks.”
“And you want me to sing?” Lily asked, confused at the sudden mic being thrown and the plan they just did. James stood up, offering his hand to help her. “Mary here is our vocals, I haven’t sing in years.”
“Nah, you do it, I need to be ready for the concert.” Mary insisted, fluttering her eyelashes like she knew the effect she had on Lily.
“Fine, fine, but only if Remus sings with me.” Remus shot his head up from the drums, denying with his head almost immediately. “Oh come on, Lupin*.”*
“I’m on drums for a reason, singing isn’t really my thing.”
“Stop trying to be humble and grab the bloody mic. We all know you have a great voice.” Marlene intervened as she made her way towards the guitar Lily left on the floor, putting the strap on and connecting it to a speaker.
“Come on, Moony, don’t be boring. I want to hear you sing too.” Sirius insisted, and she noticed Remus’ expression softening. It took him less than a minute to stand up and grab the other mic.
It took them a few minutes to be ready, trying to remember the arrangement they had made to the song for the instruments they used to have. Sirius took the piano, Marlene had the bass and James was on the guitar. Peter took the trumpet, using all those childhood years he spent in lessons. Dorcas on the drums, as she normally was. Mary had a tambourine, because no matter how hard Lily had tried, playing instruments wasn’t her forte. Regulus was hanging on the corner of the room, just looking in silence. It made her a little uncomfortable, but she just went along with it.
As soon as Sirius counted, it was as if they had played together all these years, or being back in fifth year in James’ house. She knew the lyrics like the back of her hand, having done it so many times, that it just came naturally, and Remus, even if he insisted on not being a singer, it was exactly like back in school, where they all take turns at singing and somehow did it great.
“So hold my hand I'll walk with you, my dear.” Remus offered his hand, smiling at her, and she took it, adding the theatricals to the whole performance as they danced around the empty spaces.
“Cause though the truth may vary, this” Lily sang, and Remus continued. “Ship will carry our bodies safe to shore.”
It was just them, the persons she learned music with, the ones that made her love it and teach her. And as the instrumental gave them a break, they continued to dance around. She took Mary’s free hand, raising it to allow her to take a turn as she laughing and letting Lily drown in the beautiful smile before continuing around the room to finally encounter Remus again, continuing towards the bridge of the song.
“I’ll see you when I fall asleep.” They sang, and everyone else joined for the Hey, and Lily missed going around a room jumping and feeling the music, her energetic, un-stressed self peaking through after all. She was always too focused on the chords, each strum, on the lyrics, on the whole song sounding perfect, so much that she missed this uncaring type of performance. Even as laughter interrupted their singing, she couldn’t care less.
“That was amazing!” Sirius screamed as soon as the song finished, running towards Remus to hug him. Lily was breathing heavy, flushed and smiling brightly, as the rest of them left their instruments and joined the celebration.
“That was pretty great.” She even heard Regulus say, and she stayed a few steps back, just looking at them.
It felt like home.
She looked at Mary, and her stomach turned when she found her already staring, in such a pretty way that made Lily want to kick the air and giggle. Even if it was just Lily’ hopelessly trying to see something that wasn’t there, she let herself indulge in those moments.
“People would go crazy if they hear Remus singing like he just did.” Dorcas pointed out, everyone laughed, and Remus looked rather embarrassed.
“I like it in the back, thank you very much.” He made his way back to the drums, as Dorcas stepped away to let him sit.
“I get it, pretty ones are always on the drums.”
“You are on the drums.” Marlene said.
“Exactly, love.” Dorcas threw a kiss on Marlene way, which made her roll her eyes.
Yeah, it was definitely home.
The rooftop was the place she always visited, it was her place. Just sitting and staring at the sky was one of her favorite things to do when the world needed to keep quiet for a few seconds. She loved her friends, and loved to spend time with them, but after almost five hours with nine people buckled in a closed space, she needed some quiet. So she threw herself on the floor, letting the wind pass through her as she watched the clouds slowly move. The sound of the door opening again, then closing, didn’t startle her. It was probably James, coming to stay around but he knew better than to interrupt her when she needed quiet.
“Saw you in the news.” Regulus' voice came instead, making her suddenly sit and search for him. He was sitting next to the door, a few meters away from Lily, looking right at her.
“Saw you in the news.” She answered, defensively. His recent scandal of leaving the House of Black was hard to miss, being the front page in all of the news and gossip blogs. “Took you long enough, to be honest.”
“You really didn’t suspect Severus was bad news from the beginning?” He asked, and Lily looked at the ground, trying to find an answer that didn’t make her look weak or sentimental or naïve. She didn’t find one.
“I did, at least some sketchy attitudes and things he would say, but I chose to ignore it every time.” She let herself back on the floor, closing her eyes. Annoyed and pained by Severus all over again, just wishing it would stop. “ I guess I looked for the best in him.”
“That was dumb.” Lily bit his tongue this time, mainly because she didn’t have the energy to fight him right now, but that annoyance was starting to become something else. “But he is wrong. You are probably the most talented in composer from the bunch, have heard a couple of songs from the Valkyries, you sang great back there, and I don’t know you enough, but I have seen talent, and you have it.”
Lily laughed at the irony of it all. Regulus, who was supposed to despise her, complimented her in the way that Severus, who was her friend, should have done. She always antagonized Regulus and defended Severus. Yet another mistake in judgment.
“Why did you leave? Don’t mind if i’m rude but your parents are old, have a ton of money, Sirius is already out of the picture.” She muttered, knowing it was probably crossing a line. “You would have gotten the Black Empire.”
“Well, I leave because it wasn’t as easy as it seemed. Just getting the Black Empire.” It took him some time to answer her questions, even when he did, her voice seemed to hesitate. “Hated everything, old money is boring and just… too much.”
“No money is boring too, and tedious.” She sounded defensive again, maybe hearing him complain after she had struggled in the last years made her like that, but She is too emotional in Severus’ voice echoed in her mind. She bit her lip, feeling bad about being defensive about it.
“Did it feel good? Bringing him down?” Regulus asked, a sharpness in his voice.
“Everyone says it was a terrible thing, the PR team, the press, the public, it was a shitty move to expose him like I did...” She sighted, guilt washing over her like it was her fault. Everyone says it was. Hell, even Petunia says it’s her fault for not realizing the type of man Severus was.
“They say you did something bad, got it, but did it feel good?” He pressured, and she snapped.
“It felt so good.” It felt like a relief to say it out loud. It scared her, made her feel like she wasn’t a good person, bringing someone down. But getting pushed around was also tiring. Not regretting it was a thing, but bringing someone down and enjoying it, even if they deserved it, it felt evil.
She, again, didn’t feel like talking about it anymore.
“I always thought you fitted right in with the Black Empire, even with the people that surround it. You played your part perfectly.” She detour from the original topic, knowing it will 1) distract Regulus and focus on his problems, or 2) making him angry and then leave her alone, and both options meant an escape from Severus.
“They were all a bunch of narcissists, but for some reason, they all loved me, especially when I was little.” He had an indecipherable expression, eyes closed, like a memory was going through. “Never, never trust them, but it was easy to play them. You play the guitar, I play rich people, different talents I guess.”
Lily laughed at the sudden joke. If they told her she would be having a heart-to-heart with none other than Regulus Black, she would have called them mental. She liked Regulus, she concluded some time after, when the sun was already setting, and they had talked about everything and nothing at all. It could had been just a couple of minutes, or hours, Lily wasn’t sure, but she was relieved.
“We are famous, Reg, they are always ready with pitchforks, proofs, bloody receipts and reasons, they are crazy, always waiting for the next drama.” She finally said.
“They want to burn every witch, even if you aren’t one.” Regulus answered back. “They want to see us burn and struggle to get back up, praise us when we do only to throw us down all over again.”
“It sucks.”
“It does.”
“But I have to continue feeding the monster and prepare for the concert.” She stood up, body slightly aching from laying on the floor for so long. The rest probably had everything ready by now, they knew she needed alone time and they respected it, she was grateful, and now she was ready to get back to work.
“Evans, if that rhyme was on purpose, I'm going to throw myself off this rooftop.” Lily laughed, feeling like she just clicked with someone. Regulus hated her a couple of hours ago, now they were sharing deep thoughts and laughs. She could trust him not to take advantage of her name or fame, because he had enough on his own. If Dorcas and Sirius trust him, why wouldn’t her?
She moved towards the door, opening it and waiting to see if Regulus was going with her back, but he didn’t move. As she walked away, she couldn't help but think that maybe, just maybe, they could be friends.She was already closing the door behind her, when he called her name.
“If it feels good, do it over and over again.” Regulus sounded rough, spiteful, like it was something he was meaning to get out of his system for a while. “Leave before you get left.”
And she got it, somehow, behind his cryptic wording, she got it.
And she will.
She finally found James alone at some point in the afternoon, headphones on and music so loud that she could hear it. Dim lights and closed windows was an easy tell that something was going on that had him upset. She tapped his shoulder, and he immediately shut close the laptop he was working on.
“Gosh, Lily, don’t scare me like that.” He breathed out, taking his headphones off and letting them rest on his neck. His hair was messy, fluffy as always, and his eyes were accompanied by dark shadows, but Lily knew better than to ask, as he was one to keep everyone at arm's length if it meant keeping them from worry. She doesn’t want to be shut out again.
“Escaping from someone?” She asked, sitting on the desk he was working on.
“No, I- I mean, yes?” He looked at her, waiting as if she could answer the question, she shrugged. “Ugh, I don’t know. We are supposed to be fake-dating.”
His head fell to the closed laptop, a long sigh as Lily softly stroked his hair. So that’s the reason, that and Regulus escaping the Black House.
“Yeah, I imagine fake-dating your high school crush isn’t easy.” She chuckled, his best friend whined as a complaint. “Why would you ever do that?”
“I don’t know, he asked, and Sirius asked, everyone was there and I just- I don’t know.” He lifted his head from the table, looking at her.
Years ago, Regulus represented everything that Lily wished to be to James. He never looked at her in the same longing way he was Regulus when they passed by the art class. She had known, almost as soon as they kissed for the first time, that she would never be Regulus. It happened almost a year after graduation, when James’ career was skyrocketing and hers was barely starting to take shape, she was naïve and supposed that late-night talks of James feeling guilty over finding his best friend’s little brother endearing were part of the past. They were the good months, she was happy so she could ignore how different she looked at her. Her bubble came crashing down six months later, when Layla came out and everyone was trying to figure out if it was about her. That was the moment she knew they were over, that it wasn’t real whatever they had going on. It took time to get over it, to get back on being best friends, especially when Layla was playing in every radio station and the Marauders were in every magazine as the rising stars. Now, she could never imagine her and James in a relationship, they would have never worked.
If it wasn’t Regulus, it would have been discovering that Lily likes girls, only girls. They fitted perfectly as friends, and made sure to keep a secret everything that had led to them discovering this. So they let them think that all those longing love songs are for each other, instead of the actual persons. Lying felt easier than explaining the reasons behind it.
“At least you can finally kiss him, right? And you have Sirius’ blessing.” She said, moving the hair out of his glasses.
“Yeah, sure, but again, it is fake.” He groaned, closing his eyes. “We don’t even talk in private, and I’m supposed to act all in love-”
“You are in love.”
“No, not in love, he is just a crush and I haven’t seen him in years.” He opened his eyes, looking at Lily with those lost puppy eyes that used to get him everywhere.
“You are in for a long ass ride, you know?”
“Tell me about it.”James sighed, letting his head now rest in her leg, as she once again played with his hair. “What about you? Making bad decisions like your favorite person?”
“Well, I’m not making decisions at all, really.” She answered as she started to braid a few strands of his hair. “Reginald cheated on her.”
“What?!” He screamed, sitting straight all of the sudden as Lily rushed to put his hand on his mouth.
“Shut up, could you? He was a bloody idiot, but I don’t want everyone in the block to know what we are talking about.”
“And you are still hopeless about it.”
“Of course I am, James, she hasn’t even confronted him about it.” She passed her hands through her face and groaned. “All she does is write songs, and they are amazing but she is still with that douche bag.”
“Have you talked to her about it?” He was patient in the way he talked, and how he looked at her, it reminded her of Monty in that caring way only him and Effie had.
“She is mad, but she feels like she isn’t ready to confront him about it.”
“Then you can’t force it, Lils, I know you want her but she isn’t ready.” He took his hand, looking at her right in the eye. “I’m sure it will work out in the end, I have a feeling about it.”
She wasn’t sure what exactly would work out in the end, her and Mary, Mary and Reginald, or her feelings for Mary. But it reassured her nonetheless.
“What are you working on?” She wondered, looking at the laptop that James so suddenly closed when she entered. James shrugged, opening the laptop once again.
“Well, it’s nothing really, not for the band really, I was just venting”
“Want to show me?”
“Would you laugh?”
“Are you being a hopeless romantic, again?” James smiled guilty, and she rolled her eyes. “Yeah, then I will laugh a little at least.”
James used to tell her all about how it felt being on stage, how it felt like being on top of the world. He used to say that it felt like everything was smaller, insignificant compared to the song and cheers that accompanied the concert. But he failed to describe how it really felt being in front of a crowd cheering, applauding, and singing the lyrics you spent so many hours in. It was a high she never wanted to come down from.
All the nerves came undone after their first song, the stress left her during the hour duration of their performance, and they were just the opening act, so for the first song she wasn’t expecting much from the crowd. But they knew them, they cheered for them, singing Come through as Mary did, it all felt like a movie, a distant dream coming true. It was the biggest stage in England, a sold out concert, and they were right there, playing for all of them.
‘We made it.’ She mouthed towards Marlene as Mary spoke to the public, thanking them after a few songs. Marlene smiled in response, as brightly as Lily felt and nodded, that fire in her eyes that Lily had always loved every time she picked up a guitar and performed for anyone.
The show was smooth, everything went as planned, and even better than they expected. They were getting close to the end, they had one single song left. Their original idea was to close with something romantic, a nice, lovely and radio-friendly song that was loved by the public when they first released it. It was what the record advised them, to leave a good and nice impression. But being public-friendly wasn’t them, it wasn’t what made them the Valkyries, and she didn’t want to please anyone else for now.
“This one is an unreleased song, inspired by a very special someone.” Mary said softly, but Lily knew her enough to notice some second intention in her voice. Her eyes were fixed on the VIP section of the public, where she could see Minerva and Regulus, but most important, Reginald. “I wrote it just for you, dear.”
Dorcas’ drums and Marlene’s guitar started playing the first melodies for Mary’s new song.
For her dear boyfriend. So sweet and kind, almost five years together being a comprehensive boyfriend, who never once complained about Mary’s tight schedule thanks to the band studio sessions or press tours. Because he was using that time to screw around with other girls. It took few words to convince Mary to do it, apparently she had been eager to show them this song she had been working on.
It just took them all of last night in the studio to make sure it was perfect for performing, and a few extra rehearsals today, and there they were. Playing it right at the face of Mary’s cheater boyfriend.
Lily only wondered how a douchebag like him could waste his opportunity with the girl of her dreams like that.
“Right now, he's probably slow dancin' with a bleached-blond tramp ” Her voice was soft and inviting, almost sweet, and Lily wished to indulge in that voice until it drowned her. “and she's probably gettin' frisky.”
As the song progressed, the music got louder and louder, and she could hear Mary getting even more passionate in each word, the rage-filled words that were cutting right into the front line, directly into Reginald. He was looking more surprised and terrified, but he never looked away from her. Understandably so, her hair was done and her makeup was flawless, she looked gorgeous, and her voice was even more beautiful. Mary was known for her soft, sweet and lovely personality, but Lily knew her as passionate and fearless, ready to fight for anyone she loves, and Mary finally loves herself to fight like this. This was all she ever wanted for her best friend, to speak up and bringing down everyone who didn’t appreciate her.
He will finally look at Mary for what she was; someone to be respected and appreciated.
“I might’ve saved a little trouble for the next girl.” Lily was surprised at how well the song came together, how natural, because it felt like them. Mary’s passion filled the song, and then backing her up, felt like the most personal song they have ever put out. “Cause the next time that he cheats.”
She was looking back at Lily, who smiled proudly at her, making her heart full of something bigger than love. Even in the days it felt like it could kill her, Mary’ eyes were right there, piercing Lily’s soul as thousands of people cheered them. It wasn’t like she was singing for her, but there was something that felt like she was confiding a secret to Lily, something else that she wanted to say. “You know it won’t be on me.”
And whatever it was, Lily made sure to treasure that moment right next to her heart.
The first time Regulus visited London was when he was seven. It was Christmas week and their parents were too busy to properly celebrate, so Uncle Alphard took them to his house in England. He lived in the countryside, just outside of London, in a place to which Regulus doesn’t remember its name. In fact, he doesn’t remember much about him, he was still very young when he decided to move to South America and cut every contact with the family, so that one became one of the few memories he had of him.
The snow was covering all of the streets, the small village was decorated for the festivities and it had a magical feeling Regulus wished to stay in forever. But they had come into the city to buy gifts for everyone who worked in the manor. It was probably one of the kindest acts that Regulus ever saw a person with Black last name perform, his parents barely spoke to their staff, and his other Uncles were the same, and Bellatrix was worse. It was also the first time he had explored other city other than Paris, he was always in some hotel room, or in a house, unable to go out because their parents didn’t have time to supervise them. They were riding on the backseats of the car, gazing attentively on every single detail the city could offer. He remembered vividly when they came across the Wembley stadium, pointing out towards it, asking their Uncle what it was.
“It’s where the biggest artist and the greatest bands play.” He had answered, in his calm voice and focused eyes on the road as both kids peered outside the window car. He remembered how full of music his house was, always some record playing, or an instrument, decorated in old vinyls and cd’s that now he wondered where all of that went after Uncle Alphard moved out of town. He was the reason Sirius fell in love with music, since he spent so much time with him in their early years. Their parents sent Regulus to summer school, Sirius to Uncle Alphard’s.
“I want to play there!” Sirius shouted, and Uncle Alphard laughed fondly, assuring Sirius that he will, one day.
That same day, they bought Sirius his first guitar, even if their parents insisted on piano lessons instead. Sirius wanted a guitar, Uncle Alphard complied. That day, they bought Regulus his first sketch book and proper paintings, that he used to copy the dress in the magazines he found laying around their uncle’s house.
Now, almost thirteen years later, Sirius was playing in the biggest stadium in the UK. Regulus' heart ached a little of how proud Uncle Alphard would have been if he saw Sirius now. At least one of them was able to finally achieve their childhood dream.
But he couldn’t help but feel a sting of jealousy towards his brother as James jumped around stage, feeling himself, and his brother followed, just a bit more focused on the instrument in his hands. Because Sirius was talented, it was one of the few songs he sang in, but he shined as he did. “I don’t wanna say goodbye to another night and watch you walk away.”
He had everything needed to be a star, he had the looks, the leather jacket, the playful smile and he knew exactly how to use it.
“I don’t wanna let it burn in the city lights.” He sang, looking back for just a second towards the drums, but Remus was too busy being equally as amazing on the drums. “And make the same mistakes.”
Because of course, he would be sentimental and look back at his boyfriend. Sirius had everything, he was able to have it.
“This time.” James whispered into the mic, finally joining into the song vocals as Peter, Sirius and him started on the chorus.
They all were perfect, in one way or another. Talented, young, barely 20 and already sold out one of the biggest arenas. And Regulus? He was in looking at his brother achieving it while he had no home, no money on his own, hated by the public and fake-dating, because not even his love life could work for once.
As soon as he remembered it, him, he turned to look at the stage once more. “I don’t wanna waste it, don’t wanna waste it.” James sang, bright smile and half-open white shirt that probably caused more screams alone than some song. He looked free on stage, less tense than what Regulus had ever seen him.
How his eyes shined , how his skin glowed, his smile was a little bit bigger and looked less forced when he was under the stage lights.
Regulus cursed, looking away. That was definitely something that should be avoided to think about his fake-boyfriend, who isn’t even his friend. Because they had talked a total of three times, and Regulus had avoided looking at any article about them before talking with James about it.
“You two are the new sensation.” Dorcas suddenly was by his side, a drink in hand and moving to the next song they were playing. “Wasn’t expecting you to be dating a rockstar.”
“Me neither.” He looked at her, thankful for an excuse to avoid continuing looking at the stage. “You all did amazing.”
He was changing topics, he knew, and Dorcas probably noticed. But he wasn’t even sure if she could know about them being fake, or he should just wait to ask James about it, or Minerva. Or anyone who was mentally stable enough to make this type of decisions, because Regulus swears he is one more article away from going mad, so he didn’t really trust himself on this one.
“I was shitting my pants.” She laughed, and Regulus did too, he was too tired to be tense about it. “The last song was a last minute change, Mary thought it was going to go terrible but at least we would expose a cheater. And it came out amazing, as always.”
“So it wasn’t just a song?”
“Not at all.” Marlene answered, coming from behind Dorcas to hug her, even if she was a few inches shorter. Dorcas immediately turned around to hug her back. “Though I insisted on taking him up to the stage, you know? For the dramatics of it all.”
Regulus chuckled, and Dorcas rolled her eyes, pushing her girlfriend gently. He was glad they were still together, that all of Dorcas’ pinning and Marlene’s mixed signals. They were meant to be in ways I could only dream of. He was sure loving wasn’t for him, no one who he had ever loved stayed, so he could just keep watching his friends be happy, founding love, and deep inside, longing for the same.
But those thoughts would never see the light of day.
“You know? I have always seen you and James together, somehow it makes sense.” Marlene said, looking carefully at Regulus, who tried to keep his calm expression, even fake a little smile. He never talked to James, or if he did, it was never for too long, so insignificant he couldn’t even remember it. Marlene was probably drunk, or high, or both, because there was no way that was actually something she thought. “Now Iris make so much more sense.”
“I always thought it was about fame or something, some existential crisis song.”
“Didn’t you bet on it back in seventh year?”
“Oh yeah, I think so.”
Regulus was terribly confused, so much that he decided it was enough of whatever route the conversation had taken. He moved a few steps, letting the music take the conversation as far away as it could. What did that mean? They were probably mistaken, a fuzzy memory made even more confusing by the adrenaline they were probably experiencing. He didn’t even knew what song they were talking about.
His brain couldn’t stop turning what he heard all over, trying to make any sense of it, and it made the concert feel like an eternity. He didn’t even recognize the song they were talking about to try and add some sense into whatever Dorcas and Marlene were talking about. But now that the concert was finally ending, he had another mission. That conversation would have to wait for later.
He rushed backstage with Minerva, they weren’t here yet, and he didn’t even know if he could catch James alone to finally talk, or if James would even talk to him. But he stayed there, pacing around, trying to figure out what to say, how to say it.
“Is anything on your mind, Regulus?” Minerva spoke, startling Regulus. She was studying him attentively behind her glasses, and she was nothing like he would have expected someone in the music industry. She had the feeling of a professor, piercing eyes and serious stance, and she had a sense of safety and authority at the same time. It was probably the exact reason she was working with the Marauders.
“No, nothing really.”
She waited a few seconds, carefully looking at Regulus, who suddenly felt nervous with no way out. The only other persons there were the technicians, and a stylist, and running back to where Dorcas and the girls felt like too much.
“How are things going between James and you?”
She asked, patiently, and Regulus froze. What was he supposed to do now? Wasn’t James and Sirius, or any of them, in charge of talking about it with Minerva? He was taking too long to answer, so he, instead of thinking it through, started to talk.
“We are great, still getting use to be around him always but you know, we are-”
She giggled, and Regulus froze once again.
“You Blacks are terrible liars, but it’s nice to see you try. I know you are not dating each other, unless James and you fell in love in the last week you have been here. Which is rather impossible, knowing James.”
Knowing James. He didn’t know James at all, so he couldn’t understand what that meant. So he wasn’t going around dating girls and boys everywhere, apparently. Another thing they should talk about he noted mentally, other people, because he wasn’t allowed to prohibit James from seeing other persons, they weren’t anything at all in reality.
“I don’t know exactly why, and Tom isn’t loving it, but your secret is well-kept.” Tom was the PR guy, he supposed. He had seen him a couple times, but Riddle was the only name he had heard the boys address him as. He wasn’t happy and that sounded like Regulus’ problem.
Great, yet another one to the list.
At least Minerva will keep the secret. “Thanks, a lot, and I’m sure James will explain everything after we talk.”
She nodded, a very faint smile in her lips as the noise suddenly changed from distant voices, to screams from the crowd and applause. It took a few more minutes for them to finally come down from the stage, sweating and smiling, laughing from the energy they were still emitting.
“God, I’m exhausted.” Peter groaned, head throwback as he thanked for a water bottle someone just gave him.
Sirius had one arm on Remus’ shoulders, nothing much but it was a clear tell that they were fine again. Regulus looked away, that vague feeling coming back to him. “That was great, we are amazing!”
“Reg?” James was the first to notice his presence, his smile falling a bit, turning into something indecipherable for him.
“Can we talk?”
“Yeah, yeah sure.”
He looked back at the other boys, hesitating for barely a second, before moving towards Regulus. There weren't many private places they could actually talk in, and Regulus was starting to think maybe he should have waited until they got to the apartment, but James led them to a separate room, it was full of instruments and there were only a few empty spaces on the stands. They probably had just a few minutes before someone came in to take the missing instruments where they belonged.
“I think we should make rules to make this work.” Regulus starts as soon as James closes the door. He turned around, making a confused expression.
“Rules?”
“We need a plan to make this believable.”
“Okay, then…” He thought for a moment, and Regulus allowed it, he didn’t want to push him away from the situation. “Let’s go out on a date somewhere public in each new place we are in, and see where that takes us. I’m sure the press will eat it up and sounds better than having rules.”
Regulus opened his mouth to talk, then closed it. It was way more simple than every single plan he originally thought, and he was right: the press will eat it up.
“Okay, that’s a plan, but we have to hold hands, and kiss, but not too much or it will seem too fake, nor too little, because-”
“Or just act like a normal couple? I’m sure we can do that.”
“I’m not the biggest fan of physical touch.” Regulus suddenly confessed, surprising himself, but James needed to know that, even if he was willing to just suck it up, he needed to know who much he would suck up. He kept quiet for a few moments, and Regulus wondered if maybe it was too much for James, to change his comfortable lifestyle to accommodate some random guy who needed someone to fake-date.
“Okay, well, I can work with that.But is hand holding too much?”
“Hand holding is okay.” Regulus answered, the ghost of a smile tracing his lips, contrary to James’ one, much more noticeable, different from the ones Regulus was used to from him.
It looked patient, caring even, if he wanted to be delusional.
“And who is supposed to know we are fake and who isn’t?” He interrupted his thoughts, trying to get this finish with, even if it was easy to talk to James, there was something that made him want to run far away from it all.
“You tell me, we are doing this for you. But Lily knows, and the guys.”
“Dorcas and Marlene think we are a couple.” He suddenly remembered the conversation they had, and felt the urge to ask about it, so he pushed it down. “Minerva knows we are not, and wants explanations you will give to her.”
“Then, maybe we should tell Dorcas and Marls about it, Mary too, just so you don’t need to fake it also in private.”
You he said, and Regulus wished to ignore.
“What about other people?”
“I already told you, you can tell-”
“No, I mean about seeing other people.”
“I won’t.” He answered almost immediately, finally standing right in front of him, and Regulus felt that urge to escape increase.
“But you can, if you make sure it won’t go out to the press and become a rumor, you can do it.” He insisted himself, because he was no one to ask James for exclusivity for something inexistant.
“Yeah, I know, but I won’t.” There was a finality in his tone that Regulus didn’t question, even if questions were all it generated.
“So yeah, I… yeah, I think that’s all.” He felt like there were many more things he should say, ask, or something, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it, nor he remembered everything he had mentally noted for these conversations. That was shorter and more anticlimactic than the ones he had seen in movies.
Maybe because in movies they fell in love, or someone was already in love, there was a tension somewhere being built up, and here it definitely isn’t the case.
“Fine, then, see you on our fake-date then,” He said, turning around to leave the room, his hand already on the door when he suddenly stopped and turned around. “and back in the car too. I should wait for you actually.” He looked embarrassed, speaking fast and fixing his hair in a nervous manner. And Regulus just chuckled, allowing James to open the door for him.