Struggles
And so over the next week, they practiced the spells needed and made adjustments wherever. Altering a spell was not as hard as Remus expected, considering it was NUTE-level stuff. They planned to do it at dinner that evening so that there was a greater audience for their mischief.
“I can’t believe that we have to sit through a whole day of lessons” Sirius wined. Remus smiled to himself, he found it quite endearing how impatient the older boy got over things he was excited for.
“Relax, Sirius, it’ll be worth it in the end,” Remus said from his seat on the bench, next to him. They had herbology first, something that was not any of their favorites (save maybe Peter’s) They all found it hard to concentrate on the task assigned. By the end of the lesson they had given up on doing their work and resorted to chucking dirt at each other from across the room. This, however, did not go in their favor as Professor Sprout gave all four of them an hour of lines they had to complete that evening, after dinner.
----
They all piled out onto the grounds at break, eager to get out of the stuffy classrooms. The early October air was cold and crisp on their cheeks, the condensation from their breaths floating out of their mouths and noses as they walked, leaves crunching under their feet. Remus felt happy, at home, in this castle where no one knew him enough to judge him.
This newfound bliss was short-lived however as a certain fiery-haired Gryffindor was marching towards where they sat under the willow tree. (A space that Remus and Sirius had shared with the other two.) “What on Earth does that girl, Evens, want?” It was James who spoke. Remus just shrugged.
“Why aren’t you talking to her again? You seemed close the first week.” Peter asked, it was an innocent enough question, but it made Remus un-rationally angry for some reason.
Remus didn’t answer as Lily was now standing directly in front of them. “Can we talk?” She asked in that no business, bossy, tone she got. Remus liked her no-nonsense way of speaking when he first met her, now it was just annoying. Remus thought about refusing, he had no intention of talking to her about that potions lesson; however, he knew how stubborn she was and that she would not leave him alone until he did. He nodded, standing up, and began following her as she led him across the grounds.
“What do-ya want?” he asked, hands buried in his pockets, posture hunched, he wanted to be literally anywhere else than here with her.
“Is it true?” she stopped, suddenly, crossing her arms.
“What?”
“Is it true?” she repeated.
“Is what true, Lily?” though Remus did have a feeling he knew what she was asking.
“God, Remus, stop being thick.” She looked at him expectantly, “Do you slit your wrists? Is that where you got the scars?”
Remus blinked at her blunt tone, astonished that she could so easily ask him that. “NO” he forced out of his mouth that felt glued shut, it felt like a lie even though it wasn’t. He didn’t do them intentionally.
She gave him an unbelieving look, raising an eyebrow. “You know I find that hard to believe, considering the tablets Pomphrey has you and Charlie taking every morning.”
Again, Remus just blinked at her. “How… how do you know about them?”
“I went with Charlie to get his the night you stayed in the hospital wing, I wanted to check on you. You were really ill the night before. I felt bad I didn’t stand up for you.” she looked up at him timidly through her eyelashes, a big contrast to her earlier body language. “I made him tell me what the tablets were for, but he was saying he wasn’t sure why you take them.”
“I stayed in the hospital wing weeks ago! - I don’t know why he takes them either, Lily. It isn’t something we talk about.”
She just nodded in response. “I’m sorry, Remus.” Remus didn’t respond, he was finding it hard to control his breathing. “Can we be friends again?” She asked, looking at him hopefully. Remus watched as her face fell when he shook his head, he couldn’t be here anymore, he was about to start crying.
----
Remus slammed the door to his dorm as the bell rang out across the castle, signifying the beginning of the third period. Remus was meant to be in transfiguration, he didn’t care though as he leaned back against the door. He slid down it and buried his head in his knees as his whole body began to shake, wracked with sobs. He hated himself and he hated how everyone looked at him with pity when they found out that he was not all that mentally there. He hated that he was covered in scars that everyone assumed he did to himself, he hated that he was a monster and he hated what that man did to him the night was bitten. Something darker, deeper, more shameful that he hadn’t told a soul about, not even his mum. And most of all he hated his dad for causing all the things that went wrong in his life and he hated him for resenting him, not helping him get through it but instead blamed Remus.
It was about 10 minutes before Remus moved again, though he did not move far. Just from the floor to the window seal, that he opened. The breeze was a welcome on his tear-streaked cheeks. Remus sat there for well over half an hour inhaling cigarette after cigarette, feeling better as the tar entered his lungs, poisoning him.
It was times like this that he wished for weed to remove him from his body for a while. He had gotten the names of the Hufflepuffs who were smoking off of Charlie but he hadn’t gained the courage to go ask them for some yet. He would later, he decided.
Remus looked down at the gold lighter in his hands (he had nicked it from a fancy-looking man at a café) He flicked it open and watched as the flame ignited, he didn’t think just pushed his sleeve up and held the flame against his skin. Sighing at the searing pain he closed his eyes, leaning his head against the cool glass of the window, new tears ran down his face. He was a failure, worthless, he deserved this.
---
Remus went down for lunch, sitting in his usual seat, with Peter to his left, Sirius opposite him and James sat next to Sirius. He felt shame run through his body as his school shirt rubbed uncomfortably against the fresh burn on his arm. “Where were you?” James asked, “You weren’t in Transfiguration or Charms, I thought Charms was your favorite and I don’t know anyone brave enough to bunk McGonagall!” All three boys were looking at him. Remus didn’t feel much up to talking, so he offered them a non-committal hum instead.
“Oh come on, Re, you must have been somewhere, she didn’t look worried or surprised when you didn’t show up and Flitwick just moved on when he realized you weren’t there.” Sirius looked at him expectantly
“Did you even get a detention?” Peter asked
James gave him a look, “Obviously not if the teachers knew where he was” The boys kept pestering him throughout lunch and their last two lessons of the day.
---
Remus had cheered up consideringly by the time that dinner rolled around, the buzzing excitement that bled out of the other boys was contagious.
“Are you casting the spell then Remus?” Peter asked him halfway through their meal. Remus cast his gaze the other two boys, flicking between them, is a silent question.
“I think that is wise”, it was James who answered, “you seem to be able to cast it the the best.” Sirius nodded along in agreement.
Sighing softly to himself, Remus caufuly slid his wand out, keeping iit concealed under the table (to atleast try) to minimise the blame being put on the four eleven year olds.
The boys watched in absolute awe as the spell started to take effect. They had modified the levitation spell slightly to not only focus on one thing at once. Snape didn’t notice straight away, even as those around him did. Strand by strand his hair started to lift to face the ceiling. The boys and surrounding pupils stifled giggles as Snape started looking around the hall in confusion as he desperately tried to flatten his hair. Soon the spell advanced and his clothes were tugged up, forcing him to stand. It was an odd sight, Snap stood there, hair on end, a tight grasp on the hem of his shirt to try and stem it from showing off his lean stomach, and hunched shoulders.
Their fun was abruptly cut short as Dumbledor stood from his seat at the head table and waved his wand, Snap crashed to the floor at the unforeseen release of pressure. Dumbledor sat back down and took a swig of his drink like nothing had happened, saying in a normal tone “We do not need any delinquent behavior at dinner, we are not a bunch of marauders.” It was said in a regular tone that somehow carried to everyone, Remus distantly wondered what spell he must be using.
Sirius pouted in a way that made him look distinctly young “No fun” he all but grumbled.
Snape got to his feet quickly and made a beeline for the door, fleeing the scene. Lily all but scrambled to her own feet to follow him hastily out of the great hall. “I know it was you”, she hissed to Remus on her way past them.
“Are you worried she’s going to tell on you?” James asked later that evening as they made their way up to their dorms after the herbology detention.
Remus waited until he was seated on his bed to answer. “Hmm, not really, the most they will really do is give me a detention, maybe write a letter home but it's not like my parents can do anything but write a letter to me.” he gave them all a gentle smile, “if your worried about getting in trouble, don’t worry, I’ll take all of the blame.”
Sirius walked over and flung the window open letting in a deliciously cold breez. “You don’t have to take the blame for us we were all involved, anyway it’s not like she has any proof that it was you.”
Peter hummed in agreement, “I liked what Dumbledor said about the prank though.”
“What did he say again?” James asked.
“He called us Marauders, I like it. It makes us sound cool.” Peter shrugged. “It sounds a bit stupid now that I say it outside though.”
“NO!” Sirius all but screamed in excitement. “From now on we will be known as marauders, and must pledge elegance to be masters in crime.” the other three boys followed with similar sentiments, laughing with a tender undertone at their hyper friend's exaggerated antics.
--
The Marauders chatted for a while, throwing around more prank ideas, reliving the high from dinner, but the faint smell of weed that was wafting through the open window was making Remus’s mouth water. And so after another couple of minutes of wanting he stood, muttering a half-arsed excuse of wanting a walk, he left without even grabbing a jumper. Making his way outside in only his thin school shirt he made a beeline for the greenhouse, where he knew the Hulphuffs liked to smoke.
“Hi”, he greeted them, two girls, one boy, all fifth years. “Do you mind if I join you?”
“Sure”, the boy said, red eyes not even focusing on him, instead looking almost through him
“Merlin, you’re a young one aren’t you.” one of the girls said as he sat down, passing the spliff to him at the same time.