Fight
"Thank you for saving me," Sirius whispered as he and Remus were again stuck in awkward silence.
"Thanks Godric that I heard you, and I'm glad you're okay." Really not
I know what I would do if you did.
"Remus I.. I'm really sorry I put you in this situation."
"Please, promise me that this was the last time, that you won't do it again... Promise..."
"I promise," he raised his hand as if to swear, "I solemnly swear never to do it again."
"How many times have you promised that?"
"Reggie, Effie, Monty .. a few people would be found"
"So how can I be sure you won't break that promise this time?"
"I can make a Unbreakablle oath..."
"What for? To be 100% sure you'll succeed if you try next time... to do it?"
"You just have to trust me that if I promise you I won't, I won't, Remus." He looked at him with piercing eyes.
"Okay Sirius, I trust you."
"So please, Promise me something too, please."
"If you mean don't tell anyone, then I can't do that. I'm sorry Sirius. I need to notify at least one adult." Remus said in a sad but firm voice
"No need," Sirius protested. "I'm an adult. I'm seventeen and so are you. I'll be eighteen in two weeks. If I will be still alive..."
"It's not funny. Don't joke like that. I meant someone from school. Professor McGonagall for example."
"Remus.. I'm begging you not.. I really promise I won't do it again.. I'm begging you don't do it.. don't tell her.."
"I have no other choice. I need to be sure, the feeling that an adult knows and watches over it. It's also my duty to keep her informed of all the important things that happened during the patrols."
"Remus.. I'm begging you…" repeated Sirius, his voice breaking. "Please.. please Remus.. if you ever loved me, don't tell anyone."
"You can not say that."
“You said so yourself, and quite recently, maybe a few hours ago."
"I did, but it was a completely different situation. I stopped you like this because I was trying to save your life, you're trying to stop me from saving you."
"What if I don't want you to save me? Please trust me. Let me get out of this alone and don't tell anyone. Please don't tell McGonagall.. please Remus..."
"I'm sorry Sirius.. I have to do it.. I have to inform her, but we can do it together."
"Together?" Sirius asked confused but little bit more calm than a minute before
"We'll go to McGonagall together in the morning and tell her about this situation."
"Do we really have to do this? There's no other way?"
"I know you don't want to, but I have to do it either with you or alone."
"Can't you just forget about it and pretend it never happened?" asked the animagus, and the werewolf, feeling a great surge of anger, crossed his arms.
"How the fuck do you imagine that, Sirius?! Am I supposed to forget you tried to fucking kill yourself?! What if it happens again, if you try to do it again and this time you succeed?! As always, you only think about yourself!" Remus burst out.
"If we make it next time, it'll be for the fucking best of everyone!" I'm just a problem! I'm like a hurricane! I destroy everything in my path! I'm throwing everyone off balance! you see. I always make everyone scream.."
"I'm sorry Siri, I didn't mean to scream." Remus said trying to sound as calm as he could
"But you did. They all do it. Apparently, there's no other way to talk to me."
"I'm not against you Sirius. I'm on your side."
" Not true, if I don't want you to save me, and you want to do it by force, it means that we are on opposite sides."
"Don't take it that way, Padfoot. I care about you and I don't want to fight you, I want to fight for you."
"And I don't want you fighting for me, I don't want you telling McGonagall what happened, and I don't want you treating me like a child. I want you to forget..."
"I will not underestimate this matter and I do not intend to withhold this information from the guardian of our house." Remus said firmly.
"So you don't agree to a deal where we both pretend like nothing happened?" Sirius asked loosing his hopes
"Of course I disagree. We can find a solution to help you, but in a way that is comfortable for you."
"I'm sorry, Monny, but I have no other choice," he said sadly and ran a hand through his hair. He always kept his wand in a carelessly arranged bun, but now he couldn't find it.
"Is this what you're looking for?" Remus asked, taking Sirius's wand out of his bag. "I took it while we were lying on the pillows."
"Fantastic," he rolled his eyes, "Now could you give it back to me, Moony, please.."
"What do you need the wand for?" Remus asked looking at Sirius with suspicious look
"Well, in case you didn't know Moony, every wizard needs a wand. No one has ever said what for, but I suspect that damned piece of wood you're holding is necessary for me to cast spells."
"But what spell did you want to cast while you were frantically searching for your wand?"
"You know moony.. I.." Sirius was confused. He felt stupid. He didn't know what to say.
"You were going to obliviate me or some other memory-altering spell, weren't you?"
"Fuck." Sirius took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I didn't mean to.. I mean I did, but not badly.. I just wanted you to forget about it."
"And just a moment ago you said I could trust you. Tell me how I'm supposed to do that if you're giving me reasons not to trust you."
"I'm sorry Moony.."
"It's okay, I'm not angry"
"I'm really sorry. I don't want to hurt you and never have."
"I know that Sirius"
"So will you forgive me?"
"Yes, I forgive you," he smiled softly "I know you don't want to hurt me and you're acting a little out of character."
"Give me my wand please..." Sirius looked at him pleadingly "Monny, please.."
"I'm sorry Siri, but I won't."
"I promise I won't use a memory-altering spell or anything else on you."
'It's not even about that"
"So what's your problem then? Why won't you give me back my property?!"
"I'm just worried about what you might do, and I don't want to give it to you."
"But it is my wand, and you have no right to using it."
"You're right. I'll give your wand to McGonagall after I've explained everything to her. If he finds that there are no objections, he will give you your wand."
"But why bother Professor McGonagall?" Sirius rolled his eyes "Why can't you just give me my fucking wand?"
"Because I don't think it safe for you to be in possession of a wand right now."
"Great, now you're going to make me an insane madman. Maybe it's best to incapacitate me or lock me up in the insane ward at St. mung!"
"Sirius…" Remus sighed, "I didn't say you were insane or madman, because you're not."
"Then why..."
"Because you're suicidal"
"I'm not fucking suicidal"
"Really, and that's astronomical, what was that?"
"It was just a moment of weakness. Everyone has moments of weakness. After all, we are only human and we are allowed to make mistakes."
"But not everyone tries to kill themselves during a 'moment of weakness'! Plus, you admitted it wasn't the first fucking time! You could have died, and you probably would have if it wasn't for the fact that each time someone luckily got in your way and saved you! What if next time no one is there?!"
"I don't know what will happen then. If there was another time and no one interrupted me, then probably all my problems would be solved and I wouldn't hurt anyone anymore. I'm a problem and everyone would be better off without me..."
"I understand that you can't handle emotions and have problems, but this is not a fucking solution! And you are not the problem! The problem is you believed the bullshit that sick female dog told you! You wouldn't fix anything that way, you'd only make it worse! You think you wouldn't hurt me or James or your brother if you fucking made it?! You would do it and you don't even fucking realize how much! You'd hurt everyone you care about, and you'd hurt so damn much it couldn't be more! We'd never get over this if you killed yourself! I know you don't fucking think about what you do! But sometimes it would be helpfully!"
Sirius stood silently and stared at him with tears in his eyes. He didn't say anything because he was completely stunned. He couldn't argue because he knew Remus was right. Everything he shouted nervously hit the spot perfectly.
"I'm sorry, I shouldnt to scream anymore." Remus whispered remorsefully when he had calmed down a bit and realized that he had let his nerves go again.
"I told you it's impossible with me." Sirius rolled his gray eyes "By the way, you're right. I'm fucking selfish"
"I'm sorry Sirius," he looked into his eyes, "I won't, I promise. I won't yell at you anymore. I won't even raise my voice."
"You were right." Sirius said in a flat dry voice, as if he were stating incontrovertible facts. "You were right about every damn word...
"Sirius…" Remus tried to interject
"You didn't say anything that was a lie. Everything is true."
"Sirius.."
"It's good, I mean it's not good, but I feel good that it's not good.."
"Sirius... listen..."
"I'm listening to you, Remus"
"I'm sorry I shouted. This situation is difficult for me, but it's not your fault. I don't blame you Sirius. I'm just really worried about you.. I'm so fucking worried about you that I'm losing control a bit."
"Then maybe you should stop worrying, I'm not worth it."
"Of course you're worth it. I can't not worry about you".
'Why?"
"Because I love you."
Sirius made a sound like a squeak combined with a choking sound. He forgot to breathe. His mind separated from his body, and his heart began to beat its own autonomous rhythm. When his brain got back to working properly, he began to deny everything.
"I still love you, but you don't. You do not love me. You can't do that."
"But I do, Sirius." I still love you. I never stopped loving you." Remus said with complete sincerity in his eyes.
"Even after this prank?" he practically whimpered the question, fighting back the tears in his eyes
"Even then," Remus sighed. "Even when I tried to stop loving you because it seemed logical, I couldn't do it. Even when I was trying to hate you, I still couldn't."
"But you broke up with me. I thought that meant you stopped having feelings for me. I thought you didn't love me anymore and everything I feel is completely platonic."
"Sirius..." Remus looked deep into his eyes, those gray deep eyes he could drown in. "I broke up with you because I stopped trusting you, but I never stopped loving you."
"So you still love me, but you don't trust me?"
"This is definitely more complicated than it might seem."
"What do you mean?"
"You've rebuilt most of my trust over the past two months, but with what happened today you've destroyed a completely different sector of my trust in you."
"I don't understand."
"I trust you not to hurt me or any of our friends, but I can't trust you not to hurt yourself."
"That's why you locked the door and don't want to give me back my wand." Sirius sighed
"Are you angry with me about this?"
"No, I'm not angry. I understand that, but..."
"But?" Remus asked, staring at him.
"I'd rather be completely indifferent to you. I wish you wouldn't worry."
"And I would prefer you not to treat me as an enemy and understand that I don't want bad for you. I wish you wouldn't hurt yourself."
"I wish I could be as close to you as before..."
"I'd love to, but we can't right now. I'd like to go back to you Sirius, but I'm not ready yet."
"I understand and I don't expect anything from you, Moony. I know I hurt you."
"It's not about me. I want you back, and if you want me back, we could get back together, but.."
"Of course I want you too, Moony." Sirius said with tears in his eyes not letting Remus finish "I want you more than anything else in the world."
"I want you too, Sirius, but we have to wait until you're mentally stable enough."
"Mentally stable," Sirius laughed, "I doubt I'll ever be able to say those non-agricultural words. I can thank my lovely family. I have never been and never will be mentally stable."
"Maybe you'll never be completely, but we've got to get to the point where I don't have to be afraid that you might hurt yourself at any moment." We must ensure that you no longer have those thoughts."
"How you want to do?"
"Gradually, slowly, in small steps."
"And you think it's possible?"
"If you're willing to accept help and fight your mind, there's a good chance you'll come out of it."
"Thank you for being with me." said Sirius, falling deliberately on the pillows.
"I'll be always by your side." Remus replied, laying down next to him.
"Promise?"
"I promise."
They stared at each other in complete silence, as if studying the shades of each other's eyes, even though they knew them practically by heart, as well as the rhythms of their hearts. They were no longer in a relationship, but they were very close again. They fell asleep cuddled up at the same time, as if they were perfectly synchronized.