Sirius NO

Remus knocked gently on Professor McGonagall's office. He held Sirius's wrist, gently so as not to hurt him, but firmly enough not to let him escape. Black kept his head down and stared at his boots, hoping the teacher wouldn't answer the knock and Lupin would decide to let it go.

"Come in." McGonagall's voice was gentle as she invited them inside, And she looked at them closing the door silently behind. "I take it you have a reason for disturbing the peace in my office, Saturday morning" she said as she waited for them to sit.

Sirius looked at the professor completely blank. He did not say anything.

Remus, however, took the initiative. "As a prefect, I have a duty to report all irregularities noticed during the patrol, and last night there was a certain situation. I think it is necessary to talk about it calmly, because the matter is very serious."

McGonagall raised a curious eyebrow and leaned back behind her desk, waiting for Remus to continue
"Very well then, Mrs Lupin, please explain what occurred, I'll be listening and deciding what the proper course of action is to be taken next."

Remus sat down in one of the chairs and sat his friend next to him. Sirius looked at him pleadingly, his eyes full of fear and anxiety. He knew Lupine had his reasons for bringing him here, and they were very rational, he knew she wanted him well and was doing it because she was worried about him, but he still resented him for it.

McGonagall folded her hands together across her desk, her face showing no emotion in response to Remus's vague explanation and Sirius's pleading expression. She knew something bad had occurred, it was written all over both of their faces.

"I imagine it must have been quite the incident for you to be so upset over it? And for you to come to me rather than someone else? There must be a reason." She leaned forward slightly, her tone dropping to a quiet and gentle voice, as though she were speaking to children. "Care to explain?"

"Are you going to say it Sirius or should I do it?" Remus asked the brunet and when he didn't get any answer he turned to McGonagall "Professor, yesterday I was patrolling the upper floors and I found Sirius on the tower more astronomically..." he started talking and his voice was trembling, he still hadn't completely cooled down after this situation and after a difficult conversation with friend. "He was standing by the railing..." he couldn't say more.

Black looked down at the floor, staring at his boots again. "I wanted to jump," he said in a voice completely dry and devoid of emotion. Uncontrollably, he started shaking his leg "I promise it won't happen again.. can we leave now Professor?" he added in a more shaky voice, still keeping his head down.

Professor McGonagall tried to remain calm. "Well, I'm rather glad that didn't jump, and you're not going to jump now, are you?" A small smile grew on her lips, but her eyes betrayed her true thoughts, concerned about Sirius's wellbeing.

"The next jump I'm going to do from a hundred-story skyscraper, or maybe to a bonfire, that will be more spectacular," Sirius said sarcastically and looked at the teacher blankly. He was used to covering up mental pain with a sharp wit and often joked about his traumas.

"I don't find that funny" McGonagall's tone hardened. There would be no joking in this "What you did last night is extremely foolish, and I don't find any humor in it at all. You understand that? What were you thinking?"

"What do you think I was thinking? Maybe I wanted to see if I could fly like a bird?" Sirius's tone was painfully sarcastic again. "More seriously, I just wanted to make my mother proud of me for once, even though I ran away from her, and I wanted to make my little brother happy, who made me realize how beautiful and wonderful life he would had if I didn't exist"

"I can assure you that killing yourself is not how you find redemption in your family's eyes." McGonagall took a deep breath "I have no doubt that your family would be devastated and you seem to care for them very much indeed."

"It's quite funny how many people think they know my mother just by seeing the mask she puts on for the show." Sirius laughed. "I think I would have done my whole family a favor, and I bet they would have thrown a joyous party if the honorable prefect hadn't stopped me."

Remus hid his face in his hands, tried to stay silent until now, but he groaned involuntarily at Sirius' words. It was too much for him.

"It sounds more like you've been holding a lot of anger towards your family in your heart, and you need to work through that." She crossed her arms over her chest and continued speaking. "I'm sure you have a lot to be thankful for, and a lot of people who care about you. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you're not worth having in this world, least of all yourself."

"You're extremely observant," Sirius rolled his eyes. "I resent my family and hold a lot of anger in me," he sighed. "What if I'm actually not worth it? What if I'm a problem and I'm just wasting space on this planet?" he asked rhetorically, remembering his mother's words

Minerva's expression remained steady, she seemed confident in her response. "I promise you that you are worth the space you take up on this Earth, and the impact you make on the lives of all those around you are far reaching, far reaching. You matter, Black"

Sirius looked at Remus, who looked very depressed and didn't want him to feel that way. "Could Remus leave because I can see he's very uncomfortable?" he asked, knowing that Lupine had a chance of leaving the office, while he didn't seem to have such hopes until the conversation was over.

McGonagall considered the request for a moment, then nodded. "Certainly, if Remus wishes he may go. And you and I can have a private conversation. Is there anything at all you wish to discuss today? I can tell you're suffering, and I'm here to try and help."

"Thank you Professor, but there's one more thing..." Remus got up from his chair and walked over to McGonnall's desk. "I think it's best for you to settle the matter and decide when would be a good time to give it back to him," he said, handing Sirius's wand to her.

McGonagall took the Sirius's wand and placed it on her desk, then sat back in her chair and folded her hands together. "Very well. I'll keep this safe for now." Her words were quiet and low, but her eyes were sharp.

"Goodbye, Professor," Remus tactfully said goodbye. He looked at Sirius, who gave him a cold look. "I'm sorry Padfoot, I did what I had to for your sake," he said before leaving.

"Tell me, what else is happening in your life that's been troubling you? Is there something besides your family that you'd like to get off your chest?" Minerva asked Sirius when they was left alone.

Black looked at the teacher and for a moment wondered if he could really trust her. "I love him," he said after a while, "I love Remus," he remarked, "We used to be much closer together before I hurt him. He forgave me, but it's not like before. We're close, but we're apart." he sighed "I know I don't deserve him.. Why does love hurt so much?"

"Love is a dangerous thing. It's a double edged sword, you know? One side is sweet and warm, and the other is cold and sharp, and it cuts you to the core." She sighed. "Do you want my advice?"

"Oh, what a romantic metaphor," Sirius rolled his eyes sarcastically
"Yes, I would like to hear this advice"

McGonagall smiled, she didn't seem to mind his sarcasm. "My best advice would be to tell Remus exactly how you feel, the next time you get the chance. I know it can be very frightening, and scary, and that it can make you feel vulnerable, but I think that would solve a lot of the tension that seems to be going on between you."

"It's definitely more complicated than you think" Sirius sighed deeply "We've talked about our feelings many times, even tonight.. he admitted he still has feelings for me too, but he also said we can't get back together because I'm 'unstable' mentally.' He thinks I'm crazy. He locked me in a room lined with foam and pillows like I was a small child and took my wand, and now he has brought me to you despite my protests and pleas not to tell anyone"

"That's certainly quite a... unique way to care for you, I must say." Minerva raised her eyebrows "But it just proves that he cares for you in a manner only he would understand. You mean a lot to him, and if he's worried about you. What is it that makes you so unstable?"

"Yeah that's quite unique in a way cute but a bit overprotective" Sirius rolled his eyes "I don't think I'm unstable, just Remus does. He think I need help and he said I'm suicidal"

"Well now, why do you think that is? He wouldn't say something like that lightly. What are you not telling me? Why is he worried about you? That's the important part, here." She had a feeling that the Black boy was hiding something. Something important.

Sirius sighed deeply. He knew talking to the teacher was a bad idea and would get him into trouble, but now he couldn't back out without suspicion.

"When I talked with Remus tonight.. I admitted that trying to jump off a tower wasn't the first time.. there were several moments of weakness... and each time someone stopped me..."

"So your friend has good reason to be worried. He's quite right to be watching out for you, don't you think? It's because he loves you, Black, that's why he's trying to make sure you stay safe and healthy."

"And I know. But it doesn't make it any easier. In fact, everything is harder when I know he worries so much."

"And I believe he's right to do so. It's time for you to make a change, dear. Will you do that for Remus?" Professor McGonagall asked

Sirius nodded, he was much calmer now than before "I would do anything for Remus, even if it's a battle with my own mind," he said firmly

"I'm glad to hear it." She smiled, pleased now with his answer. "Do you think you'd benefit from some form of therapy? Or a change in routine? There are a number of things that can help to lift the clouds, but sometimes the help of a professional is the best."

"Oh no." Sirius rolled his eyes. "Why does everyone talk about stupid therapy, as if talking to some 'specialist' would be the miraculous solution to all problems?"

"Because it works for a lot of people, Sirius, and it can be a solution. Sometimes people just need someone to talk to, someone who will listen and provide guidance. There's a lot of help that can be offered, if you choose to look for it. But you need to try something, Black. You can't keep going on like this."

"I know" Sirius sighed leaning back slightly in the chair "If only it were as easy to do as easy to say. Go to therapy, change yourself, think positively, don't hurt yourself, move forward.. It's all easy, it has to be harder to do."

"No, of course it's not going to be easy." McGonagall smiled and leaned back in her chair. "But we can take small steps towards it. We can start with thinking about ourselves in a better light, giving yourself a little bit more credit than you normally do. I think it's about finding that balance, you know?"

Sirius involuntarily smiled at her words "Remus used those words when he talked to me at night after the whole 'Situation', He said that we fix everything in small steps, that in small steps he will help me rebuild myself. It's really sweet of him to be there for me, so supportive after I hurt him.. I need Remus.. but I don't want to burden him."

"Lupin seems to really care for you, Mrs Black. More than you know. And I think he has a point. If we put in the effort, take those small steps, then things truly might start to change. And we're all going to have those bad days, I'm sure even he does. But you always have the ability to start over again if that happens."

Sirius sighed again "I understand, but I have far too many bad days, practically no good days."He rolled his eyes " I don't want Remus to worry about me and I don't want help. I definitely prefer to help others, I don't deserve help, others do."

McGonagall shook her head.
"Black, you're human. We all deserve help, and you are no exception. Everyone deserves help when they're struggling with something, and everyone deserves to be happy. Do you know why I want you to seek therapy?"

"Because you think I'm mentally unstable and abnormal?" Sirius asked pretentiously and shrugged his shoulders, then leaned back in his chair "Best lock me up in the insane ward in Saint Mungo or in a Muggle psychiatric hospital," he added in sarcastic tone

"No, that's not the reason. You have been dealing with a lot of pain in your life, and I think it would be beneficial to talk to someone about it. I want you to find peace, Black." She rested a hand on his shoulder, her palm facing toward him.

"How the fuck I suppose to find a peace?!" Sirius raised his voice but he realised quickly "I'm sorry, Professor. I mean all my live is like a mess and in my head is one huge chaos"

"You've survived a lot in your life, and yet you're still here. I want that strength to go to good use."

"Do you know what I think? Your pain isn't something you need to keep hidden, away from your friends, or your loved ones. You need to express that pain. I want you to tell me about that trauma in your life, and I want you to let me try and help."

Sirius sat in stunned silence as profesor McGonagall looked at him tenderly. It was strange to see her act in this way. She never treated her students like this unless they were in trouble. The thought that Sirius may be in trouble scared him, but he was also oddly comforted by the way Minerva regarded him.

"Minerva," Sirius began slowly, "I...I don't know how to ask for help." He admitted softly. "I've never been able to open up about my issues. Hell, I can barely speak to my best friend about them."

"Black, why do you feel that way?" She looked at him for a moment, she seemed to think about what she wanted to say. "Are you afraid of rejection? Or hurting the people around you with your words?"

Sirius sighed deeply and nodded "I'm afraid of hurting the people around me with telling them what I have in my mind. I don't want anyone to worry about being my friend or being around me in general, I don't want to put any burden on anyone."

"Then why do you think Remus is still by your side? Has he expressed concern over the potential impact of your words?"

"No, but-" Sirius began but was interrupted by McGonagall

"Exactly." She replied "And the same goes for the rest of your friends. If you talk, they will listen, you just need to open up. These don't have to be all your friends, but the ones you really trust, for example Lupin and Potter."

"Yeah… but what if one day what I say offends them? Or they’ll think I’m a monster, too? What if my problems are too much for them to bear?" Sirius asked. He was afraid of how they would react when he talked about his issues.

"I can guarantee you, you are nowhere close to being a monster, and I know your friends wouldn’t believe that either." Professor McGonagall assured him. "Your friends will understand and they will help you if you ask"

"What if they think I'm selfish or that my problems are not so important in comparison to theirs. I just don't want to look as someone, who is always asking for help but will never be able to return the favor?" Sirius said certain that his problems would drive people away.

"We all have problems. It doesn’t mean yours aren’t valid just because you perceive them as ‘lesser’, in comparison to someone else’s. You’re not being selfish in any way for seeking help. In fact, being courageous enough to open up about your issues is just proof that you’re a good person." Minerva said calm but firm voice

"Maybe you're right.." Black finally admitted, although he still wasn't fully sold on the idea "Can I have my wand back, professor?" He asked, smiling pleadingly

“Hmmm… perhaps not just yet.” She replied before she looked more carefully at Black "I'll give you your wand back when I feel your mental state has improved.

Sirius’s brow furrowed. He definitely did not enjoy not having a wand. He was accustomed to having it with him whenever and wherever he went. "I can’t cast any spells without a wand! This is my learning tool" he protested.

"There are no classs on the weekend, as far as I remember, so you don't need a wand, Mr. Black. And I assure you that the professors will understand if I tell you that your wand has been temporarily confiscated" Minerva said firmly. She knew he wasn't ready yet, as she crossed her arms. "My answer is final. If you really want your wand back, you have to start working on your issues"

Sirius rolled his eyes. He knew he wasn't going to convince the professor by her body posture. He tried many times and always failed in such situations.

"Can I go now then?" He asked, giving up for now. He no longer had the strength to continue discussing or making a fuss, since it was pointless anyway.

"Yes. Remember what l said, Mr. Black" She said letting him leave. Then she looked back at the papers she had been dealing with earlier, even though she was worried

Sirius walked out of the classroom with a grim expression on his face. His mind was still in that depressing headspace, and he barely registered where he was going. He just wanted to be left alone.