Sirius NO

Sirius stared at Remus, who was lying next to him. The endorphin rush caused by the pillow fight quickly wore off and Black plunged back into the black sea of suffering. Tears started streaming down his cheeks again. He felt Remus brush them away.

He wanted to say something, but he had no idea what words to use. He hadn't spoken to him once since finding him on the astronomy tower. He didn't know whether he should thank him for saving his life and being with him now, or rather apologize.

"I.. I don't.. I'm.. I'm sorry," he stammered out in a shaky voice through the crying and looked at him with tears in his eyes.

"Shhhh, it's okay," Remus whispered in a soothing tone. "It's okay," he brushed the tears and strands of hair from his face.

"It's not good," he denied.

"You're safe now, Sirius."

"I don't want to be safe. I mean, I want to.. but I don't want to.. I don't know.." he hid his face in his hands "I'm so damn... I'm so..."

"Lost? Remus asked carefully."

"Exactly. I'm fucking lost."

"Then let me help you find yourself."

"I don't think it's possible."

"How?" the question sounded like a groan.

"In small steps." answered the werewolf and took out a chocolate bar from the bag.

"Do you always carry chocolate with you?"

"You're mad that I pretended we didn't know each other and you're trying to take revenge?" Remus tried to defuse his emotions with a joke

"NO. You're right, it's not that I'm getting back at it, but it shouldn't surprise me."

"It shouldn't." He unwrapped the chocolate and placed it on a piece of paper between them. "Help yourself," he encouraged and broke a row of chocolate for himself

When they were together, Sirius often felt jealous of that sweet cocoa thing Remus seemed to love most in the world.

"Thanks, it's a great honor, as rare as being struck by lightning. I didnt expect you Moony to share the chocolate, but I'm not hungry."

"I know, but you need chocolate."

"Why?"

"Seratonin and sugar will boost your mood a bit and make you feel better. Iron and magnesium will help compensate for lost blood..."

"How do you know?"

"I know by heart the composition of chocolate and its beneficial properties."

"That's not what I'm talking about."

"I smelled it, the smell of blood."

"Damn supernatural senses."

"Take off your jacket," Remus ordered, and Sirius reluctantly complied. He felt ashamed to discover the wounds he had made on himself.

"Merlin's beard," Moony swallowed silently when he saw it.

"I'm sorry…" Sirius whispered contritely and looked away

"What did you do?" he asked, trying to sound as composed as possible

"I hurt myself" he breathed nervously, staring at the pillow on the ground "on purpose"

"How did you do that? Curse? Knife?"

"A razor blade.. is a small very sharp metal thing that muggles use to shave"

"Where did you get that razor blade?"

"From that little muggle shop with the window where I always buy cigarettes."

"Sirius.."

"I'm sorry.."

"Do not apologize. Close your eyes" the werewolf ordered, and the animagus did. He reached for his wand. First, he conjured bandages to wrap his hands, and then healed the wounds with a spell. "Don't open your eyes."

"Okay, I don't do that"

"Open your mouth, please," he ordered again. Sirius did so and Remus put a piece of chocolate in his mouth.

Then the memories came back again, as Remus fed Sirius chocolate like he used to do to him when they were together and the werewolf was depressed. But it was different, the romantic gestures and kissing were missing.

"Can I open my eyes now?" Sirius asked as he felt Remus put his leather jacket back on him

"Yes you can," he agreed, "but please keep the bandages on." At least for a while.

"Why? Why shouldn't I take it off?"

"Because then you won't hurt yourself again."

"Do you think this will help?"

"I hope so, Padfoot"

"And if there is no hope for me anymore?" Sirius's voice broke again, and his hands rubbed over his eyes, shedding tears.

"Don't say that, Siri," the werewolf grabbed his hands gently but firmly, "There is always hope and you must never give up."

"But what if I want to give up so much? What if I can no longer feel hope at all, what if hope is dead for me and I want to be too?"

"Sirius…" he moaned devastated, "Sirius no. I don't let you do this. You mustn't give up. If you feel like you can't do it, you can always turn to me or James for help. There's no shame in asking for help, but a su.." the right word couldn't escape his throat. "it is not a solution."

"I do not want to ask anyone for help" Sirius sighed "I don't deserve help. He doesn't deserve friends. I never deserved everything I got from you, James, Peter..."

"Sirius, don't say that. It's all nonsense, I forbid you to think that at all." He wiped the tears from his friend's cheeks again.

"And what if it's true? What if I'm really a bad person? I fell like a bad person and I don't deserve anything good that happened to me. I feel like I don't deserve the air I breathe, I should never have been born. All I can do is hurting every..."

"Sirius no!" Remus cut him off in half of sentence "You're not a bad person. You're just hurt and you can't handle your emotions. I know you are a truly lovely person."

"I'm sorry monny..." he snuggled into him, feeling relieved. Nowhere could he find as much peace and security as in the werewolf's broad arms.

"Don't be sorry," he replied in the calmest tone he could manage. - you don't have to

"I, I'm really sorry.. I'm sorry for everything.. that prank, it was real.. it was so bad and stupid.. I didn't mean to.."

"You've already apologized for this Sirius, many times." I believe you really regret it. I have forgiven you as much as I can and we are friends.

"I know, but I hurt you..." Black cut him off and looked at him with teary eyes "I hurt you really bad, moony.."

"You're right Sirius, you hurt me, but I don't know you didn't mean to. You would hurt me a lot more if you did what you wanted to do today."

"Would you be angry with me if I did this?" he asked, and Remus looked at him with tears in his eyes.

"Sirius.. I wouldn't be angry. I'd be furious with myself if I didn't stop you. I would never forgive myself."

"What if I had done it one of previous times? Before you came, or if no one had stopped me before..."

"Previous?!" Lupine cut him off in shock. "Have you tried to do that before?!"

"I tried to jump from the astronomical tower for the first time." answered Black "But I've been thinking about it for a long time. Every time I was there, the thought 'jump' ran through my head. Sometimes it was so loud and tangible that I felt like someone had said it."

"But not the first time.. not the first time you tried? You know.. what i mean"

"Suicide attemp" he said completely emotionlessly, what Remus was so reluctant to say out loud. "It wasn't the first time. The first time I was twelve."

"Twelve?! Why didn't you tell me... Sirius..."

That was a long time ago, more than five years ago. Only my brother, who stopped me then and probably a few other people he told. I know Rosier knows."

"Rosier? Why he knows? How do you know he knows?"

"He stopped me when I tried to kill myself a month after that damn prank, then he told me he knew from Regulus.."

"You had a attemp a month after that?! Rosier stopped you?! This Rosier?" Remus was genuinely shocked. "Don't tell me that Rosier...really?"

"Evan Rosier, my brother's friend. I have no idea how he managed to convince me, especially since he wasn't nice. Although I know.. 'You really want to make Reggie break down' Those words convinced me."

"It actually sounds not very nice, more like emotional blackmail." Remus said, and immediately regretted saying it.

"But 'If you ever loved me, don't do this' is not emotional blackmail at all, not at all."

"No need to be sarcastic, I know perfectly well that it wasn't right, but I really didn't know what to do. You didn't listen when I begged you, you didn't respond to requests.. I was thinking very fast and that's all that came to my mind.."

“I understand, and I don't hold it against you, Monny. It would be weird if I did, you literally saved my life."

"However, I feel a little bit that the way was wrong, I shouldn't.. I know it was mean.. I'm sorry.."

“Everyone who was put in this situation by me used emotional or direct blackmail. My brother, Rosier, James' mom, this pesky ghost has threatened to haunt everyone I love if I do. Apparently it's the only way. Only the muggle reacted differently but I was dog, who ran under the wheels of the car"

"Sirius…" Remus groaned, trying not to cry and grabbed his hand. "That's a lot of people.. You tried to do it so many times and I didn't notice anything.."

"Don't blame yourself. I didn't let you notice it. I always beg or silence anyone who found out by accident."

"Even James' mom?" he asked in surprise. He never imagined that Euphemia could hide such important information from everyone, even at Sirius' request. He was also bothered by one thought "When was it, this summer holiday?"

Black shook his head "The last year, after I ran away from home. James had just left with his dad. I sensed the moment and took a potent poison I once stole from home. However, I was impatient that it did not want to work for a long time. I left the room, I don't know why. Suddenly I was in pain. I fell and was unable to get up. It was like a cruccio focused only on the stomach."

"Sirius…" Remus seemed to choke on his throat again, and this time he couldn't hold back the tears. He couldn't believe what he was hearing either. He was so terribly sorry about Sirius. He had no idea it was so bad. "Why?"

"I'm sorry.. I don't know.. I don't know what I was thinking then..." He looked at him asking if he could continue the story. He felt a strong urge to finally talk to someone, but he didn't want Remus to feel uncomfortable.

"Keep talking padfoot.. if you want.. everything you need, but I don't want to force you to do anything.."

"You're not forcing me. I need to run away. I never, ever told anyone, not even James."

"Okay, go ahead.. if you're sure it's okay for you." He gave him a faint smile

"Effie found me on the ground writhing in pain. She made me say what I had taken and drink the antidote. She probably used the most emotional blackmail of anyone. She was mentioning you, James, Regulus.. I didn't even think she was capable of that, but if it wasn't for her.. I wouldn't be standing here now.."

"Merlin..Sirius.." Remus sighed and looked at Black, who was clutching one of the pillows very tightly.

"Actually, James's mom wasn't so bad about it, I mean, a lovely woman really .. helped me many times and then .. then she saved me even though I didn't want it .. then she talked to me like we do now, but otherwise.."

"I don't understand why she agreed to keep quiet about it unless she told someone.. If I may ask.."

"I know that she told one person, her husband. Since then Monty often asks me how I am or if I'm okay. So was Effie, but she also often tried to get me to see a Muggle psychologist"

"A psychologist isn't such a bad idea. Why didn't you agree? I know it's not because you're muggle, because you're not prejudiced."

"Of course that's not the point. I wouldn't even go to a wizard psychologist if there was one."

"Then what do you see as the problem? Why don't you try? It may turn out to be a good idea"

"Because I don't think it will do anything." he rolled his eyes. "I'll tell a stranger about my problems and all of a sudden they'll miraculously disappear."

"First of all, he's not an ordinary stranger. Psychologists do special schools and have documents that prove their qualifications, so .. " he tried to explain but of course Sirius interpunted him in mid-sentence.

"Oh, I'm sorry. It's a huge difference. I'll tell a stranger with some special school and papers about my tragic life and everything will work out in some mystical way." Sirius corrected himself, and this time the venomous sarcasm in his tone was even more noticeable than during the previous statement.

"I know it may sound ridiculous, but it really helps. You can't expect it to happen right away. You have to be patient with it, because it's not a miracle, it's therapy. It takes time, regular meetings and work on yourself to make it work."

"How do you know? You talk about it as if you know it."

"I have been seeing a psychologist for almost ten years. My parents signed me up so I could deal with my traumas."

"You go to a Muggle psychologist?"

"Yes, I go to a psychologist and I'm not ashamed of it. I didn't tell you before because there wasn't a need."

"But how you talk to this psychologist, you can't talk about magical things, and you know the furry problem.."

"I use metaphors, to paraphrase well, you can describe everything in such a way that even non-magical people can understand it, of course without jeopardizing the secret treaties."

"It sounds complicated, you know, using different terms and remembering not to say anything forbidden."

"But it's not that hard. Hogwarts can otherwise be called a boarding school. Instead of saying I'm a werewolf, I'm talking about a mental illness that makes me lose my sanity sometimes, about once a month."

"And this psychologist really gives something? Any tangible effects?"

"I think so. When I went more often, it helped me a lot to come to terms with myself. Only during the holidays, it's not a lot of meetings, but after Hogwarts I'm going to increase the number of meetings. You could also try going for a few visits.."

"I'm not sure if a psychologist will help me, rather it has no chance to work out."

"Why do you assume it won't work? How do you know if you haven't tried?"

"I know there's something wrong with me. I'm so missed up in my mind. Like I'd lost my mind, although I don't think I've ever really had one. I'm abnormal, fucked up, so fucked up that I don't think it can be more."

"You're not fucked up Sirius. It's just that the traumas caused by that whore who is your mother took a heavy toll on your psyche. You never had a normal childhood, so you didn't mature properly. You've learned not to show your emotions. You repress your emotions all the time until you explode and come up with stupid ideas that often end tragically."

"You're right, but I can't do otherwise. It's all too hard, life is too complicated and terrible. So many times this whore told me that I was just wasting oxygen.. that I was useless.. that I shouldn't have been born.. Well that's funny but.. I guess she was right about that.. I often regret it.. I wish I was never born." Sirius' voice cracked more and more

"Don't say that Siri, please.. Listen to me carefully," Remus looked straight into his gray eyes, which were filling with tears.

"Remus.. I.." Black wanted to say something, but finally allowed Lupine to speak and finish his statement.

"Your mother was wrong. You're not wasting oxygen. You are not useless. You're not fucked up either. You're different, eccentric, crazy, unpredictable, and have a very different mindset than most, but that's not a bad thing. It's unique about you."

"I.. I don't.. I don't know.. I have no idea.. I don't know what to say.. thank you.." Sirius barely kept himself from bursting into tears, and Remus noticed it.

"Don't suppress your feelings Siri, at least for now, release your emotions and let them clear please"

"Okay.. okay.." he stammered and let the tears flow from his eyes and down his cheeks.

Remus hugged him tight enough so he couldn't escape, yet soft enough not to break his ribs. They both cried again. This conversation was extremely difficult, but necessary.