Chapter 4
November 9, 1993
“Brother, have I got good news for you,” Fred said, strolling into the hospital room with a grin on his face and George at his heels. Their argument from a few days ago had been forgotten nearly as quickly as it had come up, mystifying both Percy and Ron.
Percy looked up from the book he’d been reading - supplied by Bill after Percy had complained about rereading the Prophet for the millionth time - and quirked an eyebrow. “We’re breaking you out of this joint,” George said in elaboration, a matching grin on his face.
“Are you really?” Percy asked, surprised by the level of relief he felt. St. Mungos had come to store a lot of bad memories, new and old. Not only that, but ignoring the window had, as of late, become a Herculean task, especially after he’d learned they were on the fifth floor. He hadn’t been able to sleep the previous few nights either, thinking about Bill’s plans with his uncle. Even now, he worried Bilius might show up at any time and assert guardianship or do something equally as sickening.
“Yeah, back to Hogwarts for you,” Fred said cheerily. “Hopefully your NEWTs don't finish you off.” He winced even as the words were coming out of his mouth. George stared at his twin, tilting his head forward minisculely in a show of shock, an “I cannot believe you” expression clear on his face. But Percy barked out a laugh, leaning forward in his bed, surprising himself with how good it felt. He hadn’t genuinely laughed in- Merlin. He could tell the twins were startled too, identical faces of shock on their faces.
Percy wiped at his eyes and sat back into his pillows. “Sorry,” he said, not really meaning it.
After he’d taken a moment to resettle himself, he hazarded: “I’m really going back?”. Internally he groaned at the meekness in his voice. Something in his head grumbled obscenities when George’s face softened at his tone.
“Bill’s working out the details right now,” George said as he and Fred sat at Percy’s bedside.
Percy was surprised at how happy he was to find out he was returning to Hogwarts. He’d thought Bill or, Merlin forbid, Bilius, would take him out of school for a few weeks. Send him to some kind of ward for people who went mad, perhaps inhabiting the room next to the Longbottoms. When Bill had asked him, quite seriously, a few nights before, if he’d wanted to go back to Hogwarts, Percy hadn’t expected him to actually listen to his wishes and let him return. He’d certainly seemed unhappy at Percy’s answer. Enough that Percy was sure his brother had just been asking out of courtesy.
Percy leaned back in his cot, relieved. He had a level of autonomy at Hogwarts that would make things easier. He was trusted. Respected. Head Boy. Maybe he could escape back into a sense of normalcy, and if not… well, it would hardly be difficult. With that idea, a thought occurred to him, ugly and sinister, tying itself tightly around his chest. “Who knows?” he asked, interrupting whatever Fred and George had been rambling about. They paused their rant and eyed him warily. They exchanged a glance briefly. That’s bad. He licked his lips and tried to bite down his rising panic, “Is it… does everybody…” he started, feeling his breathing speed up.
“No,” George said quickly, trying to intervene before he was sent into his third panic attack of the past three days, “No. Only a few… uh… Us, family… the staff, I imagine. I mean it’s kind of something they need to… anyways. Umm…”
“Oliver,” Fred added, wincing as he said the name, “Probably Harry and Hermione. You know how Ron is”.
Percy itched at his collar anxiously, “How did Oliver…?”. Fred visibly winced again and locked eyes with George. Percy thought it through and thought he knew but hoped desperately that it wasn’t… He’d explicitly waited until Oliver had left for practice before…
“He found you,” George said shortly, apologetically confirming Percy’s train of thought.
“Ah,” Percy said simply, looking down at his hands. He touched his wrists. Even with magic having healed them, leaving behind no scar tissue, he sometimes thought he could still feel it. The warmth and numbness springing from his wrists, blood coloring his pale skin a bright red to match his hair - it had almost been poetic. It would go with the decor; he’d thought to himself as he rested his back against the wall, welcoming the comforting blackness at the edges of his vision.
“He came with us to St. Mungos,” Fred offered after a beat, “Had a hard time getting him to leave your side. McGonagall had to use the Confudus charm on him to drag him away”.
“He’s been asking Ginny about you almost every day,” George added. A fond smile ghosted at his lips, “It’s starting to get on her nerves.” Percy chewed on a nail. His only friend. Things had always been fucked with his family but now this…
Percy had tainted the one semi-pure relationship he had with this… this sickening dark thing inside of him. He’d lashed out at Oliver before, but this… he was brought out of his thoughts by the metallic taste of blood. He’d bitten too close to the nub. Hurriedly, he obscured the finger from the twins’ vision.
“Think she’ll bat-bogey him?” Fred asked playfully.
“She’s close to it,” George said only half-jokingly.
A sudden knock on the door diverted the trio’s attention. Bill was at the doorframe looking vaguely apologetic and dead on his feet, as had been characteristic of the past four days. “Sorry lads,” he said, leaning against the metal, “Can I have Percy for a few minutes?”
“All yours, Billy Boy,” Fred said, saluting Percy before leaving the room, George behind him with his own salute. Bill watched them leave before closing the door. That’s not a good sign .
Bill sighed for a minute, resting his head on the door, before forcing himself away, looking like it pained him to do it. Percy wondered when Bill had slept last. The man had been unofficially deemed the only one fit to deal with Percy’s periodic “crises” and was also keeping Mum at bay while apparently working out a new custody arrangement and figuring out what the fuck to do with Percy. Whenever he caught a few hours of sleep, it was always at Percy’s bedside, and as much as he’d tried to hide it, Percy could tell the toll it was taking on his back in how stiffly he moved. He hadn’t changed his clothes since arriving. He’d been run ragged, and it showed. Looking at Bill, knowing all of it was because of him, made Percy feel sick with guilt.
As he sat in the chair by Percy’s bedside, Bill winced and maneuvered his back. Percy regarded him with rising anxiety as Bill shot him a placating smile. “I take it Fred and George told you you’re going to be discharged?” his brother asked, crossing his legs.
Percy nodded.
“And you’re sure you want to go back to Hogwarts?” Bill asked.
Percy hated this. The amount of “Are you sure? ”’ s and “ If it’s alright” ’s that Bill, in particular, had been showering him with as of late were infuriating. He didn’t even think the question through before responding, “Yes.”
Bill was obviously unhappy with that response, but he nodded resignedly. “In that case,” he said, tired, “I’m going to inform you about some new rules.”
“Rules?” Percy asked, bewildered and indignant, “I’m not some first year-”
Bill raised a hand, and Percy forced himself to stop, even as frustration simmered under the surface.
“If you want to go back to Hogwarts,” Bill said strictly, “You are following these rules. If you break them, I will send for you. The Professors are fully aware of how serious I am about them, and have coordinated with me on making sure they’re enforced.”
Percy slumped back in his seat, upset anew at the sheer nerve - he was upset already, knowing that all the adults on campus knew, but now for Bill to actively include them in his fucking plot to make sure Percy didn’t try to off himself again… It was insulting. It was degrading, and it was going to destroy every ounce of work he’d poured into appearing as a mature individual, responsible and capable of things beyond the scope of his peers. Anger rumbled in his stomach, and he felt a red flush make its way up his neck.
“You’re stepping down as Head Boy” was the first thing Bill said, and it hit like a gut punch.
Seven years he’d worked for this position, and now Bill thought he had the right -
“No,” Percy said angrily, “I’ve worked-”
“You cannot handle the responsibility right now,” Bill hissed, frustration evident on his features, “Dumbledore agrees.”
“You spoke to Dumbledore ?” Percy asked, feeling like a powder keg with a burning line of wire that was getting very close to his inner explosives. “Do you know how hard I had to-”
“Yes,” Bill said, and Percy hated that that was something he couldn’t hold over him. It made him feel irrationally, angrily, further out of control.
“So you’re the only one who can be Head Boy?” Percy snarked, “When you left I thought you were just a coward. I didn’t know you were a narcissistic, toffee-nosed-”
Bill soldiered on even as Percy fumed, “You’re never to be alone,” he said.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to try again?” Percy bit out. He felt a deep sense of satisfaction at the deep hurt that briefly crossed Bill’s face. The room was dead silent for a second, and Percy almost regretted what he’d said, but then Bill continued, no longer looking at Percy.
“I’ve already spoken to Oliver, Fred, George, and Ron. If you want to bring Penelope into-”.
“ No ,” Percy said, clenching his fists and digging his nails into the soft palm of his hands.
“You’re to see a mind healer four times a week,” Bill continued, undeterred. Percy scoffed and looked away from Bill, too angry and hurt to even look in his direction. He stared at the window, open and taunting. If he made a run for it right now, how would Bill feel?
“...On holiday, you’re going to stay with me.”
“Fuck you,” Percy said, still glaring at the window.
“You’re going to write me at least twice weekly,” Bill said firmly. His hands were white around the notepad he’d written all of his royal decrees in.
“What are you going to do if I don’t listen?” Percy grit out, “Throw me into a ward by the Longbottoms?”
Bill ignored him, “You’re to ease back into classwork.” Didn’t even answer the fucking question .
“Great idea,” Percy said sarcastically, “With my NEWTs coming up.”
“I don’t care about your NEWTs right now,” Bill snapped.
“Well I fucking do!” Percy roared, unable to keep it down any longer, betrayal and anger mixing into a cocktail of fury and hurt, “You think you can come back after four years and fucking dictate my life? You’re not my fucking Mum , Bill, and you haven’t tried to be since we were kids”. And even though he cared about his NEWTs that wasn't really what was fueling his outburst.
Bill was obviously upset, but he stood his ground, trying to look Percy in the eye again, “Perce, I just want-”
“I don’t give a fuck what you want!”
Bill lifted his hands in a surrendering motion, “I get that you’re angry-”
“No you fucking don’t!”
“No. I don’t,” Bill amended, “I’ll leave if you want me to. But the rules are staying, Percy.”
“ Fuck off ,” Percy spat. He turned on his side, rubbing angrily at his watering eyes. Bill lingered at his back, unsure.
“Fuck off!” Percy yelled again, barely keeping in an angry sob. Reluctantly, it seemed, Bill backed away. Percy pulled his knees to his chest and watched Bill leave the room in the window’s reflection. Just as he left, Percy heard him mutter a monitoring spell. No fucking privacy . Percy kicked the end of his cot and fought the urge to scream. He grabbed at his hair and pulled, pushing his face into a pillow.
A thought occurred to him, and he sprang to his feet, moving very quickly toward the window before hesitating a foot away. He wasn’t about to succeed. He was at St. Mungoes in the mentally ill ward. The enchantments and monitoring charms on top of what Bill had cast- and Bill would just take that as further evidence of him being right. Maybe even keep him from going back to Hogwarts at all. Maybe give up and send him to-
“Fuck!” Percy screamed, furious and pent up with emotions he didn’t know how to process. He felt out of control. Angry. Frustrated. Sad. He kicked his cot again, hard enough to bruise this time, sending him into a flurry of curses. He grabbed at the damaged appendage, hopping on one foot, “Shitfuckdamnitcocksucking-”
He slammed a fist against the cot to distract himself from the pain in his foot before sitting heavily back down, grabbing his pillow, and screaming into it. Fuck Bill. Fuck Bill. He had no right.
Bill plopped himself down in the tearoom, a hallway down from Percy’s room, and put his head in his hands. Frustrated, he forced himself to stay still when his monitoring charm alerted him to Percy’s repeated kicking and injuring of his foot. Going back was just going to make things worse right now. Unless Percy did something that was a danger to his life, Bill was going to stay here and let him cool off. Percy had to have time to… adjust. This was a lot. Bill knew it was a lot. Especially for Percy. Percy, in all his stubborn, independent, distancing-himself-from-his-family, ambitious fucking sycophantic glory.
What else could Bill do? It was Percy’s final year. He’d be 18 in 9 months’ time and will have graduated from Hogwarts, likely having a spot at the ministry by that point. Bill didn’t have legal guardianship, and he sure as shit wasn’t sending Percy back with Mum and Dad right now. Even if Bill could keep him at home, if he made Percy retake his final year - a permanent black mark on his record and an alteration of the plans he’d laid out in 2nd year - he worried he’d permanently damage his relationship with his little brother (even more then you’ve already done). The restrictions he’d put on Percy had caused a visceral reaction. If he’d kept him from returning entirely, Bill wouldn’t be surprised if Percy cut him out of his life completely. Charlie could testify it’d happened before. And maybe it was selfish or narcissistic, like Percy had said, but Bill didn’t think anybody else could provide his brother the support he needed.
All this in mind, though, as much as Bill hated it, he recognized the practicality of sending Percy back to Hogwarts. Madam Pompfrey had assured him that the school mind healer had a decorated resume and said that the calming droughts that St. Mungoes had prescribed Percy would work wonders alone, even without regular meetings with the healer. But still, Bill was terrified of letting his brother out of his sight. He hadn’t left the hospital once since arriving four days ago, even to shower or get a new set of clothes. He couldn’t bring himself to leave his baby brothers’ side. To send him back to Hogwarts, to the place he’d decided to end it… it didn’t sit right with Bill. It hurt and worried him to the point he thought he might have to get some calming droughts of his own. It felt like he was failing, even after promising to do better by his siblings.
Even without Percy’s mental health perpetually at the back of his mind, there were a million other things Bill needed to worry over. Mum and Dad, for one. He’d had rocky plans for years to take his siblings out of his parent’s care, but this had cemented that decision. When everybody had come to visit him in Egypt over the summer, he’d thought maybe things had gotten better. Figured maybe he wouldn’t… but this… how vehemently Percy had been about not speaking to Mum and what Mum had said- Merlin. Just how bad Percy had gotten under their care was enough.
He regretted not moving on this earlier. Considering what had happened with Charlie, he was surprised at himself for even considering that leaving his siblings with Molly would be okay. He hadn’t kept well in touch either. Percy was right, damnit. He’d barely spoken with them for four years and then deluded himself into thinking that they were… that things were better, that he didn’t need to- fuck. Self-loathing crept up on him like an old friend, and he had to work to disengage his hands from his hair. In and out. In for 2. Out 2, 3, 4… This isn’t about you. He brought his head up from his hands and checked on the monitoring charm. Percy was lying down now, quietly sobbing. Something acidic was in Bill’s mouth. He pushed the charm to the very back of his mind and dug out the paperwork he’d been working on.