Don't look back in Anger

And just like that James Fleamont Potter was cleaning the blood from the back of my legs. My parents never control my legs, no one does, they want to see only my wrist every time I come home. Not because they care, but because it would ruin their reputation. Having a son who cuts himself doesn't really fit the profile. They don't get it, most people don't actually. All they see is a wrist covered in scars but never the things behind it, the reasons, the motives.

James was putting some healing stuff on the wounds, it felt like he was burning my leg with it, I didn't complain about it though. Who was I to complain? Firstly I make this mess and then I'm gonna cry about the way it huts after I just hurt myself on purpose. 

Well yeah. Shit. The tears just started falling down my face. I wasn't sure if I was crying because of the pain James was causing me right now or just because of the whole situation.

I felt humiliated and very uncomfortable but those aren't really reasons for some kind of panic attack. Are they ?

I felt my hearth pounding, every single beat and they were getting faster and faster and faster-

I was sweating a lot and I was aware of that fact it was really unpleasant feeling, the way the sweat felt on my skin.

And then I noticed that James looked at me instantly.

"Hey are you okay ?" He asked immediately moving rom my leg closer to me. I didn't know what to answer. Was I okay? Was I supposed to lie ? I've never been through this with anyone it was always just me.

"Hey- just concentrate on your breathing. Stay in present. Stay here with me just breathe okay?" James said gently and I just gave him little confused look on my face. I didn't know how to make it stop, no matter how concentrated I was on the breathing, on the sound of it and the frequency -. It didn't go away.

James started breathing loudly himself so I can keep up with him. I am not sure how but somehow it kind of worked. 

"You're doing a great job Reg"

"Why don't I feel like it's getting better ?" I asked.

"You will, I promise, just give it a time, stop thinking too much about it. What do you need ? tell me, I'll do my best to help you" James said and I thought about it for a second.

"Touch me" I said after a while and James looked at me a little confused at first. He usually hates the image of someone touching him while these panic attacks but then he remembers Sirius's hand on his back. Sirius's calm words telling him that everything is gonna be alright.

"Where do you want me to touch you Reggie?" James asked gently as he knew exactly how to act in situations like these. It made me wonder if James had these too. Because no matter the number of times he went through these he never knows how to act.

"I'm not sure- " 

James lifted his hand and I didn't know what was it he was about to do and honestly it was kinda scary but then he stopped.

"Is this okay?" James asked while holding his hand above my head and I just nodded and James started to stroking ma hair gently.


"Here, observe it, look at it, touch it" James put his other hand into my lap and I started staring at it, his hands were strong but not too much. His fingernails looked nothing like mine, he was biting his nails probably, I couldn't do that since I was a kid. I need to look representable. 

He had some really good rings, I started to play with them. 

One was a stag ring, it was cute and then there was one with a star on it. I was almost sure it was supposed to represent Sirius and their friendship, it looked really authentic. 

James was talking about something but I didn't hear him, the only thing I was paying attention to were the rings.


"Better ?" He asked after few more seconds and I lift my head from his hand.

I nodded.

I couldn't really bring myself to speak but it went away, at least the worst part.

He didn't stop stroking my hair, he kept on playing with my curls and I appreciated it.

"How do you feel ?" 

"Fine" I said and James gave me a little nod.

"Have you ever had -"

"Yes" I said before he could even said the word, I don't think I was prepared to talk about it more than that.

"Okay well do you wanna talk about all this now or we can go get some dinner and talk after" James said.

"I don't wanna talk about it at all Potter" I snapped. Yes maybe I was being a prick considering the fact that he was bandaging my legs not so long ago. He didn't seem offended or mad, he just patiently waited for me to say something.

"Dinner sounds nice" I managed to say after all. And so they went to the great hall. 

"Do you mind sitting here with me ?" I asked eventually before James turned back to the Gryffindor table. "Okay" He said and sat next to me. 


"Fuck - Sirius is here just, just act like you're getting some information out of me or something" I panicked and James didn't seem to care. I personally did not care either but I didn't want them to fight because of me after all of this.

"You don't want him to see me with you or is it about earlier ? I won't tell him any of that Reg"

"I don't want you to get in trouble for talking to me "

"I'm a grown man I can sit with who I want Regulus" James assured me and smiled, something was off with them though.

Sirius was standing in a corner basically intensely staring at him.

"We can leave if it is too much " James offered and I looked at him with disbelief. 

"Oh god he'd be furious if you left with me now" 

"What if I want him to be furious ?" James smirked at me and that was when I realised. They were already fighting. What kind of brother would I be if I just throw more to the fire ? Probably a bad one.

"Okay let's go " I said and took James's hand by his wrist and led him out of the great hall. I didn't even though about the fact that James will probably want to talk about what happened earlier. 

We were just running around the castle all the way to the astronomy tower where we stopped because I couldn't breathe properly anymore.

"So wanna talk now ?" James asked.

"Still no - but I know I should" I said and looked at the floor like it was something entertaining. 

"Well you don't have to talk to me - when I went through a difficult period in my life- Minnie helped me a lot"

"No, I- I'm not doing that" I said immediately.

“I know it sounds stupid but I’m gonna be fine and I don’t want to discuss any of these things with you or anyone else I’m sorry I’m not ready” I said after a while of silence. I knew how that sounded. If my friend told me that he’s in a same situation but he can do it by himself I wouldn’t believe him either. 

“take your time it doesn’t have to be now okay  just talk to someone you trust when you’re ready, you can talk to me or your friends or teachers if you wish” James smiles sadly and wraps his hand around mine. 

“I’ll talk to someone I know a person” a person it wasn’t a person actually it was Kreacher and I was not certain about talking to him about it but it made James smile a bit.

“okay good that’s great Reggie” 

“Regulus” I corrected him, it sounded wrong coming out of his mount. I had the nickname matched with Sirius and now that he doesn’t care, it just hurts. 

“I called you Reggie earlier” James said confusingly. 

“Yes James but I was in a middle of a panic attack so excuse me for not being a dick about it then” I snapped and he looked at me even more confused. 

“no no no okay I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset you it’s just - I thought it was kinda cute or like it suits you” 

“Sirius used to call me that, so don’t “

James just nodded and looked at the ground. 

“And sorry I snapped, what’s going on with you?” I asked and maybe it was because I desperately wanted to drew a thick line behind talking about my problems but I genuinely cared. 

“me?”

”what happened between you and Sirius ?” 

“oh that-“ 

“you don’t have to tell me I’m just - It’s none of my business really” I said immediately when I saw the look on his face, I don’t know what made me think he would be comfortable with telling me. 

“Jo it’s not that I just - it’s not really my thing to be talking about- basically Sirius hurt Remus really badly and now we don’t really talk and I just don’t think that this is my place to say the whole story it’s their business not mine I’m just - I’m just in the middle” James explained and I wondered what did Sirius do ? Was it that bad? It has to be really bad when even Lupin doesn’t talk to him. I wanted to ask but I didn’t wanted to make James feel uncomfortable or forced to talk about it. 

“How he hurt him?” I asked. It more likely slipped out of my mouth. 

“I don’t think I can tell you that either - sorry” 

“Was it - did he - was it physically?” I asked after a while. I still didn’t expect James to answer and it would be totally fine if he didn’t but I had to ask him. Sirius was treated awfully at that house as awfully as I am so he wouldn’t probably hurt someone physically?someone he loves ? Would he ? I don’t know him at all basically. I knew the five year old Sirius who cried when mother ripped his toy’s head. Was he capable of hurting someone like that? I grew up there too and I don’t think I would hurt someone I know - someone I care about. But would he? He was cruel enough to to left me. 

“oh Sirius ? No no not like that he - it was more like a prank but he - he didn’t think it through and he acted in anger but it end up being fine no one got hurt” James assured me and to be honest I felt kinda bad that I got it out of James like that even when he said clearly that he doesn’t want to tell me but I’m glad he did: I just nodded and he gave me the sad smile of his. 

“I think I’m gonna go to sleep actually- thank you for everything you know” I said and he nodded.

“Can I take you to your dorm ? I mean I don’t have to but like will you be fine ?”

“James?”

“yeah?”

“Are you sure you’re fine?” I asked when I saw the expression on his face when I said I was leaving already.

“I’m fine I just - I don’t know what to do with Padfoot he’s still tryin to talk to me about it but he hurt Remus and I can’t just get over that because he said he’s sorry” James sighed and hide his face in his palms.

“Do you wanna sleep at my dorm ?” I asked him. “It may not solve your problems but it can postpone them, it’s not the best way possible but I do it quite often postponing problems” I offered and he looked like he’s considering it.

“What about your friends? And I don’t want to be a burden”

”you wouldn’t be one, they won’t care. They know that I’m going through a lot now they’d understand if I bring anyone in there as long as I’m fine” I said and he smiled.

“I like your friends already” he said and we left together.

He ended up staying with me the whole night and the next day. I fall asleep very quickly even though I’m having big trouble sleeping. I was just so exhausted from today that it made me feel even more like crazy person. But more importantly James was there next to me, not even touching me at all but he was there.