Chapter 12
Dear Draco,
It is for my and your relief to inform you that I have been able to ease your father's worries and concerns about your sudden dropping out of the team. You need not worry about your sporting activities as long as, as you yourself reported in your letter, you concentrate on your studies and maintain good grades as in previous years.
It pleases my heart to see you more dedicated to being an excellent student. Your ambition is not to be doubted.
Hopefully, Slytherin will win the house cup with the help of your academic points.
In other news, I am happy to inform you that the winter roses have bloomed beautifully this year so we will be able to enjoy some delicious tea and rose cakes. Dipsy seems happy to be able to prepare them, she helped a lot this autumn with the care of the rose bush. She certainly doesn't want a repeat of last year's punishment when she ruined the harvest; your father was very merciful not to punish her so severely.
I will send Severus a packet of roses for Christmas as well, I know how he enjoys using them in his revitalizing potions. Don't tell him, I hope it will be a surprise.
About Severus, I have received letters on his behalf that worry me a little about your health.
Is everything all right, Dragon?
I look forward to your arrival for Yule.
loves you, Mum.
Draco sighed with relief, a soft smile growing on his face at his mother's words of concern and encouragement, even if the thought of his mother thinking of his father as a merciful person disturbed him a little. At least he wouldn't have to worry about that until Christmas.
-Good news from home?- Lupin asked, catching his attention.
-Mother is excited about me coming home for Christmas-
-Your mother must miss you quite a lot when you leave Manor for Hogwarts, right?- Lupin took a sip of his Earl Grey; the chocolates Draco had given him were placed in a beautiful glass bowl between their cups so that anyone could grab one.
-I would like to believe so, she was the reason I came here instead of Durmstrang. I even think she threatened with murder if Lucius sent me there-
-Good school, serious and disciplined, but it's a long distance- he said in agreement with a slight nod,-very cold, too-
-I think it's the cold that keeps them disciplined- he said with a wicked half-smirk-Even I'd lose my joy if I had to study with a frozen arse-
Lupin couldn't help but laugh, no matter how much he corrected the blond's language he wouldn't learn.
-No, really! Have you seen their headmaster? He looks like he's got an ice stake stuck in there- said the boy-Dumbledore is a crazy old man but at least he has his moments of sympathy-
Draco tucked the letter into the pockets of his cloak. He still didn't really enjoy wearing the uniform cloak but he had to admit that it helped with the cold, especially now that he couldn't use the usual warmth spells like in his first life. Not if he didn't want to be on fire. The letter had arrived that Tuesday morning and wanting to avoid prying eyes he decided to open it in his little meeting with Lupin; the memory of Potter's scream when his owl came out of nowhere to bite his fingers brought him short joy. He would have to go back to the owlery soon.
-Don't call our headmaster a crazy old man, Draco,-Lupin said with guilty glee-I could get fired if I let you do that.-
-Pufff, they haven't fired Snape, so you'll be fine-
-By the way, I heard you got off the team. Did Snape take it well?- he asked somewhat cautiously.
Draco took a deep breath and let out a tired sigh. His departure from the team had been and still is the talk of the school these days.
The Prince of Slythrin leaving his throne? Draco Malfoy leaving the team because of bullying from the older players?
And the most ridiculous one I'd heard was that he quit because he only had a few days left to live due to an infection caused by the Hippogriff.
Really, teenagers couldn't get any more ridiculous. What kind of speculation was this nonsense?
-I don't care what Severus thinks, and if you want to know why I got out...-Blurred memories of the fall from the building flashed through his mind- just lost interest in it.-
Draco shrugged to play it down, Lupin looked at him for a moment with sympathy but curiosity at the same time. Not wanting to upset the boy, he decided to change the subject.
-Do you want to try that technique of yours again today-he said as he rose from his chair towards the center of the office.
Draco had thought of a new way to channel his magic after ignoring his potions teacher and observing the distiller he was using. Like the plumbing problem at Sheila's house, Draco was trying to pass too much magic through too small a space as his fingertips, the pressure would eventually cause a rupture and explode creating a disaster like the last few times he had cast his spells. So now instead of decreasing the size of where his magic came out, he would try to control the flow of his magic itself, drop by drop.
-Let's do it-
They performed the usual routine to the point of trying to control their magic. He focused on visualizing his core, two balls of pure energy fusing together, imagining the magic flowing through his veins like pipes and the core as the key that gave life to those pipes. He visualized the bluish glow in his veins lowering from a steady light to a faint glow and then releasing drop by drop of magic from his core into his veins slowly until they returned to their normal light, then he closed the key again and his glow lowered again. He stayed like that for a while, visualizing his magic going up and down in intensity according to the output of magic he felt like.
It felt strange, unnatural, not to feel his magic running strong as it had this time. When he isolated his magic it reminded him of when he was sealed so long ago and when he let it out slowly it was like the first few days he got it back, which was causing him to get nauseous and his heart to race in an old but familiar fear, making him highly nervous. He felt chills and goosebumps on his skin at the changes in the flow, his neck itched again and prevented him from concentrating properly.
He twitched in place in an attempt to lessen his discomfort if only a little; his face creased into an uncomfortable frown each time he lowered the intensity of his magic.
-Draco, you don't have to force yourself-
Lupin spoke, but Draco made a quick chittering sound to shush him.
He took a deep breath, actively ignoring his discomfort and itching until he felt he had enough control over the procedure. His chest ached a little but he could take it. With slow movements and her eyes still closed she reached for her wand in her lap, clutched it firmly in her hand, watched her magic flow very poorly through her body and when she was somewhat close to the sensation of blocking her magic she opened her eyes. He took a deep breath, filling both his lungs and his diaphragm, his chest rose gently.
-Lumos...
He murmured, the magic flowed faintly, creating an equally faint light on his wand, not a normal lumos. With a nox he undid the spell and concentrated again, letting a little more magic flow than before.
-Lumos -
He said with more conviction and this time the light spell looked like it was supposed to look, a strong and steady glow but not blinding.
His smile slowly grew on his face, the happiness of a new breakthrough filled his chest with excitement covering a little of the pain of containing his power. He raised his head to look at his teacher, who had a proud smile on his face making the boy's happiness grow.
-Very good, Draco- Lupin complimented in a soft voice.
-Nox-
The light paid off but not by much, Draco repeated the spell a few more times with the same result which only made his optimism grow, even if the pain in his chest was getting more and more intense. He would have to get used to it.
Lupin got up quickly and returned and placed a glass in front of his pupil, who quickly understood the message.
-Aquamenti -
The water flowed from his wand smoothly and steadily until the glass was full; another accomplishment, he even levitated it a little around the room before returning it to him. Draco smiled even wider, so much so that his cheeks were stretched to their full capacity making him look a little younger than his teenage self. Lupin celebrated his achievement with a soft clap of applause and a cheerful laugh. The blond was happy, with this technique he felt much more in control of his magic than he did before. He thought the only disadvantage was that he had to get used to the pain in his chest but he had already endured several aches and pains, he knew that in the long run the pain would be dull and bearable.
He was with that thought when the pain grew a little worse, as did his nausea; he swallowed saliva, he didn't know when his throat had gone dry. His brow furrowed and his smile slowly faded along with his pressure, causing a chill to freeze his entire body and turn his stomach even more. He felt as if he was going to faint, at best. His breathing quickened and the glass in front of him began to blur and shake, or ... was it the one that was shaking?
-Draco- Lupin appeared in his vision, grabbing him by the shoulders-Whatever you're doing, stop it!-
No! This was his best achievement in a long time, he just had to endure it, he just had to bear it.
-Draco, stop it! - Lupin shook his pupil, filled with panic at the lack of an answer.
The desperation in his teacher's voice caused a reaction in the blond, who completely let go of the control he held in his core, letting the flow run strong and powerful as it should. His magic flowed out of every pore of his body creating a small tremor in the countertops and bookshelves of the office, even pushing his master a little who let go of the boy's shoulders but Draco couldn't care less for as quickly as his magic flowed again it was as if he was breathing again which caused him a dejavu from so many years ago.
His blood pressure returned to normal, the cold was gone and his shivering stopped only to leave him dizzy and his breathing quickened. He shrunk in on himself with his back curved and his eyes on the floor to calm himself.
He failed again.
He was beginning to rage at himself when a gentle, fatherly hand began to stroke his back up and down in a gesture of support. Lupin sat down beside him when Draco wasn't paying attention.
Draco gladly accepted the touch, even leaning slightly towards his teacher for silent comfort. He had already accepted that he was fond of the werewolf and didn't mind... too much.
-Oh boy- Lupin sighed, but there was no anger or reproach, only relief-you'll make it one of these days... hopefully before I have a heart attack.-
Draco couldn't see the werewolf's smile but from his tone he knew it was there and he would be lying if he denied that he was smiling too, a tiny smile.
He was glad he had asked the DADA teacher for help.
-You know, I've been thinking- Lupin said after a while of both of them sitting in silence, just letting his pupil squid out, -We already tried your version of the drops and I think we should stick with the water concept but..- Draco turned his head to look at him sideways, -instead of seeing your magic as a key, we see it as a river...-
Draco looked at him as if he had grown a third arm.
-A river?
-A river -Lupin nodded.
The man stood up quickly to get a sheet of paper and a pencil and eraser from his desk before returning to the floor with Draco placing the items in front of them both. He drew two perpendicular lines that were not straight but curved in certain areas. A very simple drawing of a river.
-I've been thinking about it and maybe instead of seeing your magic as light, we should see it as water, that's why I agreed with this concept of the trickle, although we've already seen that slowing your magical flow will cause you more harm than good- he said.
Draco had the decency to look a little embarrassed.
-It wasn't a bad idea- Lupin corrected quickly. -Look, you know that the way a wizard handles his magic has a lot to do with his personality as well? -
- Yeah, I remember reading about that- Draco remembered the books from his first research.
-So, we were treating your magic as an energy; yes magic is energy but that's not the point-Lupin explained seeing the disbelief and curiosity on the younger man's face-I mean more like a light and the light is fast, vivid and fills a room before you can blink. Those are traits of a more impetuous, impulsive person.- The werewolf suddenly pointed at the younger man with the pencil- You, my boy, are not like that-
A part of Draco felt he should be offended, but it was true, impulsiveness was very Griffyndor and Merlin saved him from being that.
-You're like water, dual- he said firmly-Calm but fierce. You can be a gentle stream and then suddenly be a deadly torrent that will sweep away everything in its path, and you hide a lot of things deep down underneath-
Now Draco was beginning to feel flattered and perhaps a little exposed. He dropped his curved stance for a straight one and was interested in what was being said to him.
-So, seeing your magic as a river will be more convenient,-Lupin returned to the sheet on the floor and erased small scattered areas in the perpendicular lines-Instead of filtering your magic or slowing it down, you have to deflect it.-
-What?- Draco said with confusion, scratching his neck.
Imagine your magic as you did today, a steady stream of free-flowing liquid. When you want to do magic instead of directing the whole flow outwards, just divert a small part of it- the werewolf drew in the spaces small streams, much thinner river branches that fed into the main river,-the main current will follow its path, you only use what you need and when you finish it simply closes the deviation- Lupin made a line in each river branch he had opened- the flow will continue as if nothing had happened-
The boy looked at the drawing, analyzing his teacher's idea, it didn't sound bad at all but at this point with his confidence so low it could well be the best idea in the world that would revolutionize magic as they know it and he would still hesitate.
-Just try it, all right? - Lupin said as he watched him hesitate for too long,-but not today. Today you're going to go to your next class and worry about your homework, don't forget the essay on goblins due on Friday-
Draco sighed, hating that he still had to do boring schoolwork. He stood up from the floor with his body feeling heavy, the nausea had subsided to a simple discomfort in the pit of his stomach, which he was grateful for.
-I'm almost done, I'm missing the part about their rebellion and the current prejudices-
Draco walked through the office with his head down and his pace slow, clutching his wand and his bag, he was also scratching his neck from time to time now that he could, he was pretty sure that by the time he grabbed everything and headed for the door his neck was already a pinkish-reddish hue caused by his fingernails.
That caught Lupin's attention and he grabbed his pupil by the shoulder and turned him so that they were facing each other; the action shocked Draco for a second, but he did nothing but keep scratching the left side of his neck and then the right.
-Do you have any allergies? - Lupin asked with slight concern in his voice-I didn't bring it up before because it seemed to have stopped, but I see that it hasn't-" He bent down a little to examine Draco's neck,-You almost always scratch yourself and quite hard, it worries me-
The blond blinks a couple of times, stops the scratching and thinks about what to tell the werewolf, decides the truth.
-I don't know why it happens, it just starts to itch out of nowhere-
-hummm- Lupin touches Draco's neck to feel the irritated skin, it even seemed a bit itchy and not just from the constant rubbing of his nails- I've known of irritation and itching from stress. Does it itch anywhere else? -
-Normally it's just my neck, but now my leg itches too -he scratches his thigh to prove his point.
-Did it happen to you before the fluctuations? -
-No -
-When does it happen more?-
Draco thinks about it, he remembers that most of his itching happened when he used or tried to use his magic but not all of it.
-When I use magic, mostly. Sometimes it's random-
-Hum - Lupin turns away from Draco and walks over to his desk -I think it might be all the stress of controlling your magic. The body tends to show stress in physical ways and itching is usually one of them- He reaches into one of the drawers and finds something until he pulls out a wide round plastic canister, something small, a cream- I recommend that you try to relax more, go out more with your friends or read something you like but continuing to stress yourself out will hurt you. Remember that in the end we will get you to control your magic-
Lupin holds out the canister with a warm smile. Draco feels skeptical about the stress, he may be a bit stressed about the whole control thing and finding ways to stop the-who-must-not-be-named; to which he already has a semi-complete plan, but he knows he's been stressed a lot worse before. He worked in customer service after all and knows how stressful it is to deal with stupid people who don't know they should say whether they want their coffee cold or he'd give it to them hot; he wasn't a psychic for God's sake.
Maybe teenage hormones along with his crazy magic came together with stress and were causing him to itch, he had no other explanation as he wasn't allergic to anything or anything that he knew of.
He grabbed the canister, read the label quickly, it was a cream that relieved the hives or itching but promised to have a cooling and moisturizing sensation to the skin. It felt light and Draco could tell it had been used. He raised his head slightly to look at his master with a question in the air.
-Scars can get itchy-the warm smile was still there.
-But it's yours...-
-I'm an adult Draco, I can get more, plus I want to give it to you. It may not be the best quality or brand new, but it will help-
-I... Thank you-
Draco knows it's not worth reneging, Lupin will insist until he accepts it like he did weeks ago. The teenager enjoys the warm feeling in his chest, his teacher was giving up something that helped him on a personal level just so he wouldn't be uncomfortable
He doesn't think much of it, he gives his teacher a hug before saying goodbye and leaving for his next class.
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The next commotion caused in the dining hall was no longer his fault, instead another blonde had started the sea of whispers at breakfast time.
Luna Lovegood sat at the Slytherin table in front of Draco.
-Good morning- said the girl cheerfully.
-Morning- replied Draco, taking a bite of his eggs-Did you finish your potions homework? -
-Almost- Luna started to grab a bit of everything in front of her, the food on the tables was the same -but reading about goat viceras left me a little...-
-Disturbed? -
-Curious, rather... -
Draco thought Luna's smile had a trace of mockery in it.
-If you want to go back to the ways of the old religion and sacrifice animals to the gods, I can get you the goat-Draco said in an unperturbed tone-just make sure you hit the heart.-
-I'll think about it," Luna laughed-The knife should be a special knife or a kitchen knife?-
-The silver ones would be more appropriate-
-I think my father has one.-
They stood in silence looking into each other's eyes for a few seconds before Luna laughed in a soft voice, Draco just made a small noise of amusement as he rolled his shoulders upwards. They both continued to eat their breakfasts with smiles on their faces.
While those closest to them who overheard the conversation looked at them as if they were perturbed.
Luna had already learned what she needed from him but she still didn't walk away from him, the days he was angry with Pansy they spent together, mostly Draco helping the younger girl with her homework and spell practice. The girl already considered him her friend and he enjoyed Luna's calm but somewhat curious company. He was happy that even with the vast difference in circumstances in which they became close it was still easy to talk and bond.
When he had the chance Draco told Luna that if she ever felt that her classmates excluded her at meals she could sit with him. The girl beat around the bush at the mention of the ostracism she suffered but seemed very interested in the proposal to share a table, she just seemed a little curious if it was allowed, Draco calmed those doubts with a simple:
¨We should only be at our tables for special events, they won't care where you eat.¨
It wasn't that uncommon for other students to sit at other people's tables, it had happened a few times over the years but Slytherin had always been a sort of exclusive area, free from other houses. Draco thought it mattered very little to him now.
-What's Lonnie doing here?-Pansy said, leaning a little closer to Draco.
-Don't call her that- He gave him an angry side-eye for a second.
Pansy had apologized in her own way a couple of days ago, which meant giving him a pair of beautiful snake shaped cufflinks in an attempt to appease his anger, Draco ended up forgiving her, not because of the gift but because the girl did look remorseful.
Pansy looked like she was about to retort, but Luna spoke first.
-Are you going to the Hufflepuff vs. Gryffindor match? -
-Pansy and I are, Draco here has completely refused to join us -Blaise said, to Draco's surprise, a pleasant surprise- He seems to have developed an allergy to Quidditch-
-I just find it boring- Draco grumbled.
-I think it's going to be interesting, they're going to fly in a storm! - Luna looked excited.
-Uggg cold and wet, just the way I like it-Draco complained, rolling his eyes.
-Please, Draco, we're in public-Blaise said mockingly, Luna laughed causing a wicked grin on the dark haired boy's face -Come on, I'm sure you'll want to see Potter get caught in a lightning bolt-
Draco shrugged
-I don't know why Slytherin couldn't play as planned, Higgs was in the reserves and can beat short-sighted Potter in a storm- Pansy finally joined the conversation with her complaints, refraining from actively mentioning Draco's resignation.
-From what I hear, Flint prefers to get the shit out of him by training before any match- Blaise added.
-He only rested for a year, it's not like he's forgotten how to fly-
-Maybe age is getting to him early, like his receding hairline-said Millicent, briefly joining the conversation and causing Pansy to giggle.
-Flint's a perfectionist, and if he can, he'd rather wait-Draco added-I'm not even surprised, actually-
-But you're still not going? - Luna asked looking directly into the blond's eyes-It's the first match I thought I could go to with a friend-
Luna knows how to play her cards, too well. Has she learned that from him in the last few weeks, or did she have it from before? Draco thinks a bit of both.
Blaise looks at Luna and then at Draco with a smirk. Pansy frowned and did the same. The ravenclaw just kept eye contact with Draco; she wouldn't say she had puppy eyes but it was intense and with that touch of sadness to manipulate.
Draco would proudly say that he was able to keep his composure for at least 40 seconds before sighing in defeat.
-Fine... -He said resignedly- But we're backing Hufflepuff-
He said to Luna, remembering an extravagant lion hat from his first life.
-I've got a badger hat you'll love- he said.
Draco thought maybe he would.
The snakes went about their day, parting from Luna but not before agreeing on where they would meet before the match. Pansy still seemed reluctant with Luna which Draco expected, Blaise's attitude on the other hand continued to confuse him as he was more calm and friendly in his own way with the second year. Draco would keep an eye on that.
The rumors and whispers in the corridors had increased with Luna's incursion to his table, apparently several students, especially from his year had started to notice his change of behavior and as long as none of that reached his father (yet) Draco didn't care, he was happy to be Luna's friend and waste less time being prejudiced and teasing other students.... in their face he meant, he could still be quite venomous in private though no longer as he was his first life.
The only annoying thing was the poorly disguised stares, he hates that. He hated Potter's intense, overly un-discreet stare even more.
The black-haired man had nothing else to do or what?
That aside, he was calmer, Lupin's cream helped the skin on his neck feel better after a few bouts of itching and he was actively meditating and visualizing the method they had planned in every spare moment he was alone though still not trying to use magic in much capacity. So far it had gone well in some classes but it had been like that the first time as well so he was not confident.
He still didn't have a concrete plan to stop Voldemort but he did have a couple of things clear.
First, he had to keep Lupin as a teacher, that would prevent Crouch Jr from entering Hogwarts as Mad-Eye Moody.
Second, had to keep Potter from entering that tournament at all costs, even if it meant watching the chalice every night.
Third, he needed more help, he was still a student and didn't have the resources he might need, but he knew who did and she was one of the best in Occlumency there was:
His mother, Narcissa Black of Malfoy.
He would have to tell her his whole story from his first life until now, he just hoped that small part of him that doubted his mother believed him wasn't right.
That was so far, he still felt in the pit of his stomach that something was missing, but by the time that memory reached him the dark lord would have returned.
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-Lets go Hufflepuff!!!!- Luna shouted, cheering for the badgers, a group of Hufflepuff around her shouted in agreement with her- Ginny was annoyed that she wasn't on their side today-.
-Yeah well, you already supported Gryffindor last year. It was time for a change- Draco shrinks into his coat, somewhat glad that Pansy put a waterproof spell on everyone before coming, even Luna, who smiled so much at the girl that Pansy felt uncomfortable. - And you manipulative little Doxy, you've come here before with a friend!-
Luna didn't have the decency to look guilty, Draco would even say that her smile got a little bigger and unflappable. Her badger hat was different from the lion hat she saw from afar in her first life, instead of just being just the animal's head it was as if an entire badger was comfortably clutched on her head, the animal's tail curled up gripping Luna's curly hair in a ponytail , the damn garment even growled if you tried to touch it. She was also wearing a Hufflepuff scarf that Draco doesn't know where she got as well as such an extravagant hat.
There were people who criticized and mocked her hat but several from the house of badger praised her peculiar garment. One even asked her where she bought it.
God, what if Luna started to impose fashion?
-Oh, I forgot to specify, I didn't come with a male friend-she said in her typical cheerful and calm tone -Much less with a group of friends-
She leaned forward a bit to see Blaise and Pansy who looked at her as if she was crazy.
-Who said I'm your friend? - Pansy grumbled through her teeth, but Luna didn't seem offended.
The match started soon after, both teams were playing with all their efforts in spite of the bad weather conditions, the crowd was excited by the risky moves and aerial maneuvers. Draco had to admit that he was beginning to remember the thrill of quidditch, a second hand adrenaline that didn't feel the same as watching a soccer match or any other Muggle sport, even if he wasn't flying by himself. He even screamed with excitement when the badgers scored points, it felt good to be a spectator and even more when he could see and admire without any restriction a certain Hufflepuff seeker.
-He's cute, isn't he?- Luna asked quietly, leaning towards him but still watching the game-Cedric, I mean, he's super nice too, the other day he helped me look for my bag-
-Why didn't you just conjure it up?--he asked, trying not to seem perturbed by her implications, he looked to his side making sure none of his friends had heard.
-I left my wand in it," she shrugged, "but Cedric helped me find it, he even escorted me to my next class-
-That's great Luna-Draco continued to watch the game as both seekers climbed into the storm cloud.
-I could introduce him to you, I'm sure he'd like you-
Draco hoped that the heat he felt in his cheeks wouldn't show too much, Luna knew it, she had guessed it and she had been right. Maybe it wasn't as discreet as he thought.
-I'm sure he's dating Chang- he whispered back to the girl-Look!-
He pointed quickly as the Hufflepuff seeker began to fall but was able to recover before he hit the ground.
Minutes later Potter was down.
Hufflepuff had won.
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A week passed since the match incident, the snow arrived at Hogwarts and so did the next trip to Hogsmade, which meant having to go out again to stores he had already seen a thousand times in his first life, he wouldn't deny that seeing them again after so many years had its charm, though.
The sugar feathers made his day and he enjoyed being able to buy whatever he wanted without worrying about money as he hadn't done for a long time, for himself and for his friends who didn't complain about his generosity.
What ruined everything was the nostalgia along with the crushing feeling of guilt lurking dully in the back of his head remembering the destroyed town.
He had to overcome those feelings, he would keep everything from going wrong, he could or so he tried to convince himself.
The week had gone quite well to his surprise, Snape hadn't called him back, his mother's letters gave no indication of any discomfort from Lucius, Luna kept meeting not only with him but even when the other slytherins were with him causing Pansy's discomfort but the girl noticed how Draco protected the younger girl so she avoided giving her comments, he had even gotten a great advance with his magic which had been the best moment of his week.
Visualizing his magic as a river had turned out to be the answer, he didn't have to fight it or control it but let it flow in various ways. The lumos, aquamenti and even some transfiguration spells had come out the way he wanted them to, not too extravagant and not too weak. Lupin seemed delighted with his progress, even if Draco noticed that his smirks were a bit smug when he knew his solution was for the best, nothing was wrong, he didn't bother, instead he shared his master's joy along with his own.
The hug before returning to his room this time was started by his teacher and Draco reciprocated, his daddy issues being pleased by the fraternal gesture.
There was still plenty of room for improvement in his control but he already had a solution and not just problems.
He was thinking about that and how he would have to make wolfbane potion at the manor to give to Lupin; he had helped Snape make a better version of the potion compared to the current one to supply all the werewolves in the manor in the days of the dark lord.
-I saw Potter- Pansy exclaimed in fright.
-What are you talking about?- Blaise asked, looking at her like she was crazy.
-I saw his head! Over there-she pointed to an alley where Weasley and Granger were walking.
-How is Potter going to get out of Hogwarts Pansy, are you having a sugar high?-
-I swear! It was his head floating!
The fit of laughter that came over Draco made him look even crazier in front of his friends but he remembered something about seeing a floating head of the boy who lived in his early life and how he went crazy trying to explain it until years later when he discovered the bloody invisibility cloak and it all made sense. Only now the one disturbed by the ghost of Potter's floating head would be Pansy and not him.
A while after that the group split up, the girl left with another group from their year and Blaise said something about needing to buy Quidditch equipment so, seeing himself alone, Draco set off on his way to the castle.
Walking through one of the galleries towards his common room, he saw sitting on a bench in the snow a figure doing what appeared to be spell practice, Neville Longbottom.
Draco stood in place watching the Gryffindor's back as another of the thoughts that had been running through his head that week made a much stronger presence this time.
He knew he didn't want his story to be the same as his first life, he didn't want the prejudices that clouded his judgment, he didn't want the pressures of being the "Prince of Slytherin" or the obligations of a Malfoy heir like marrying for convenience and having offspring that would only follow that same endless cycle of extremist blondes. No, that died a long time ago, before his fall and before the banishment. Maybe even before that, when he had his first conscious crush and it wasn't a girl. He had to live his own life, away from all that, the first step was underway with his plan against the dark lord but there was much more to do after that and that started with expiating some of his other sins.
He had thought about it, in his first life he had written letters that he could never send and kept in the back of his closet in a locked box under a disillusioning spell to keep Larry or some other gossip from finding them, but now, now he had the chance to do it face to face. This would be the first sign that he had changed, he had to do it.
Maybe if Lucius found out he would be angry, but he doubted he would be disinherited... yet, in the end Longbottom was a pureblood and he could always use that detail in his alibi.
He took a sharp breath, held it for a few seconds and let it out slowly, with his head held high he approached the Gryffindor. Draco never understood why in his first years the Longbottom heir's magic had become so complicated if after fifth year he became as powerful as he always should have been. That didn't matter now but he had to start with something.
He was practicing Carpe retractum with his book of charms, the pronunciation was fine but so was the wrist movement, but still the attractor spell didn't seem to come out quite right.
-You could flick your wrist more energetically, that would cast the spell harder- his tone was tense but he was trying hard to sound calm. Longbottom was startled by the sudden approach and when he noticed who was speaking to him, he stood up from the bench with considerable speed, wand in his clenched hand. Draco raised his hands, without a wand, showing that he wasn't there to hurt or at least that he wasn't holding a wand- Easy, I come in peace-
-I doubt it- said the gryffindor without thinking, tense as a bowstring.
Draco remained silent, he didn't know how to start, he sighed that it would be the same either way. He swallowed to cool his suddenly dry throat.
-Look Longbottom, I don't want to bother you, I just need you to listen to me for a second, okay? - he kept his tone calm and monotonous. Neville kept watching him, but when he didn't say anything Draco assumed he was giving him permission to speak- I'm not gonna beat around the bush, I've been an idiot with you and I want to apologize for it-
Draco would describe the feeling he had as ripping off a band-aid in one pull, now he had to let out all the pus that had accumulated in that wound during the time it didn't suppurate and let it heal, ignoring Longbottom's shocked look in the process.
-I have called you names, I have belittled you, teased you, insulted your family, pushed you around and even beaten you up and I apologize for all of that, about the beating most of all. I was, rather, I am a little devil with too much ego and prejudices that are bigger than the sun who can get away with it easily but ... I don't want to be that anymore. I have spent time with people who taught me how to be better and made me want to change my ways. I know now that I should never have done those things and that you are not a traitor to anything as you were never sympathetic to a cause that was founded by our great great great grandparents based on fear so many years ago and I...just, I want to apologize. I'm not asking you to forgive me, I know it's very difficult to forgive what I've done but I'm grateful that you listened to me and didn't hex me halfway through - He paused for a second, running saliva back down his throat, now dry from speaking so quickly - so... yes, I'm very sorry-.
Draco breathed rapidly, one of his wounds had been reopened, crushed and suppurated, leaving him with a feeling of taking a weight off his immense drawer of guilt, it didn't solve anything he had done years before and in his first life, but it was better than letting it be as he had been doing when he was 25.
-They say you've changed, quieter, less angry...-Longbottom said with still some suspicion but curiosity in his eyes-You haven't bothered anyone anymore, after the hippogriff you seem like you... but different-
-I'm not saying that suddenly I'm the reincarnation of Helga Hufflepuff but I don't want to be what I was, I told you, I don't expect you to forgive me but I wanted you to know that and I would like that at least we can be...cordial to each other-
Draco said with a hopeful tone even with the notes of guilt and regret that he had kept all his apology, he stretched out his hand waiting for Longbottom to grab it and get it over with, he felt drained.
Neville looked at the blond boy who had made two years of his life impossible, who had in so many ways affected his self-esteem and who now stood in front of him with a regretful look on his face and an outstretched hand, an image that not even in his wildest dreams could Neville imagine seeing. The image was surreal if you asked him, it was causing him... doubts.
-The gryffindor took a step back with a distrustful look and a sardonic smile on his face. Draco's hand lowered a little -You're playing a joke on me-.
-What? -
Draco dropped his arm, his heart gave a painful and disappointed beat, his face contracted into a grimace of disbelief and sadness.
His hand had been refused... again.
-Yes, I've figured it out now- Neville laughed- Malfoy would never do that, good acting but not entirely convincing- He let out a small laugh again, looking around- are you Fred? Or maybe George? That's why Harry was acting so weird earlier. He helped you make the multijuice potion?-
Draco felt the disbelief quickly change to burning rage, he clenched his fists tightly, the corners of his mouth stretched downwards and his frown settled deeply.
He had come here, to pour his heart out and ask for forgiveness like he was supposed to, he had expected to be told to fuck off or just told he was an idiot and deserved no one's forgiveness but he never expected them to believe it wasn't him but one of the weasels in disguise.
Had he been so bad that they believed he couldn't change? Was it because of his house or because it was him and no one saw him as anything but a spiteful and cruel snake who could never do anything good for the world but lie, manipulate and hurt to get ahead. Maybe that was so but it didn't diminish the humiliation and anger he now felt, more so with Longbottom still looking at him with a smirk as if he had figured it all out.
-Oh come on guys, don't get mad just because I found out your prank-said Neville leaning in a little closer-You know snakes don't apologize for biting-
-How arrogant can you be- Draco grumbled through his teeth, his voice sounded strained, -Bloody Gryffindors!
-What?-Neville smiled as confusion filled him.
-Bloody Gryffindors-Draco shouted in his face, Neville took a step back in astonishment-You think you're the only ones who can change?! Do any good?! You arrogant bastards! I'm not a bloody joke, I didn't take multi juice or whatever bullshit you think I did. I'm Draco Malfoy in the flesh and I came here in all honesty to fucking say I am sorry for nothing in return and all I get is you laughing in my face-
Draco in his anger looked threatening, approaching Longbottom to shout in his face as he stretched back, his eyes wide and his eyebrows fully raised, stunned by the blond's shouting. Neither of them realized that two groups of people were approaching them walking at speed.
-You know what, Longbottom? Fuck you! I came to say sorry to you and I did it, I don't need anything from you, nothing! My fucking conscience will be clear tonight while I wait for yours to eat away at you for making fun of me just because of your fucking prejudices. You think you are so righteous, talking about how bad we snakes are, but you are just as or more prejudiced than us! You fucking hypocrite lions! -
He had to dig his fingernails into the palms of his tightly clenched hands just to keep from pushing the lion into the snow. He felt his magic crackling around him, he even thought he heard it, like the heavy tide at the beginning of a storm on the high seas.
-Leave him alone, Malfoy!-
¨Oh, that's all I needed¨ Draco thought with disgust. Potter and his cronies had approached them when he wasn't looking. The black-haired boy grabbed him by the shoulder looking to pull him away from his friend but Draco was quicker and turned around and slapped the savior's hand away from his body.
-Fuck you Potter! -
He shouted right in the scarred one's face before quickly turning around and walking with a strong and firm step towards the castle. Luna and Weasley's sister were standing a few feet away, watching him with wariness and the other with concern.
-Draco...
-Not now, Luna.-
He paced angrily up to the gallery, in the distance he could hear the group beginning to talk.
-What did you do to him?!- Luna's voice was recognizable.
-We? - said Weasley.
Draco stopped paying attention and made it in record time to his bed, lying face down with his head buried in the pillow hoping to drown out the anger and disappointment of how badly the whole apology had turned out.
Now his wound was open, painful and throbbing, but finally free of the sickness of regret that he had never apologized. It hurt like a bitch but at least it could slowly begin to heal.