Chapter 7
Sleep delayed its arrival that night.
The sound of Crabbe's snoring and the soft murmur of the swift swimming of the creatures of the black lake as they passed the windows were his only company.
First, because the stress of the events of that afternoon (and much of that entire week) kept shaking him and getting on his nerves. Now that he was aware of the power he possessed, no one knows if indefinitely; he felt it running under his skin and in his own veins, he blamed the placebo effect and his brain for feeling things he didn't feel before just to go along with his nocturnal paranoia.
Stupid brain and his survival instinct altered by the trauma.
Good thing he wasn't a hypochondriac or he'd be three times as bad.
The second thing was that; again stupid brain; since he already had an answer to his problem he had nothing to concentrate on but what he was going to sell.
And oh boy, how it scared him. The trauma was not overcome, even though he has grown up and matured, fear is still one of the most important emotions of every living being.
It makes you run away from danger or it makes you fight for your life.
Or the third one that is hardly talked about in motivational speeches: It paralyses you and you die anyway.
Like deer before the blinding, deadly lights of a fast-approaching four-axle truck.
Draco remembered himself as the deer, paralysed by the glare of the deadly curses flying across what was his home; how the fear of what would be done to his family if he failed prevented him from fleeing the scene or fighting his way to the side of the light as offered to him that night in the astronomy tower.
For Draco there were nights when the memory of the Headmaster's death haunted him more than other events, even more than the event with the sectumsempra that same year and it was because he was given a chance and he didn't take it, too afraid to choose the light, too scared because all the ideas, prejudices and preconceptions he had been given, too scared to choose the light, prejudices and preconceptions he had been taught since childhood were beginning to crumble before his eyes, and too distrustful of everyone to see that perhaps if he had accepted help (as he was now accepting Lupin's) he would not be as repudiated in magical society as he was.
Or was, because that hasn't happened yet. If it all happens again, what will you decide now?
Which way will your fear choose Draco, overcome it and fight or run away like a ferret with its tail between its legs?
-Tempus," Draco whispered, wanting the sound of his voice to quell the voices in his head that were louder than they had been in three years of feigned peace of mind, "3:30 am, damn it, so late? -
Time flies when you wallow in grief and despair.
He scratched his neck, only the left side this time.
With a sigh of exhaustion he decided to get up, grab his black notebook that served as a glider and diary at the same time, a pen and some ink to start writing.
With maximum concentration to an almost trance-like point he managed to make a small lumos
Remus Lupin has decided that he wants to help me with my... problem.
Either he's lost his mind wanting to help the son of an admitted ex-death eater (seriously how did anyone believe the Imperius thing?) or he's a better teacher than I've noticed in my first life.
Not that I noticed much in that one.
Blooddy idiot.
Yeah I am talking to you.
I think the crazy one might be me.
How to control double magic power?
Control practice
Putting a block on me NO! not ever again
Meditation
Made a circle around that last one
Larry said meditation helps to channel chi, the hippie. Miss him
I could do the same with magic?
Ask Lupin if he knows of meditation methods to investigate.
Anyway, part of my plan to keep up appearances went a bit to shit but I can get back to it now that the boggart thing has been forgotten.
Of the few events I noted here before, Potter's boggart event happened strangely, but it did.
Stay tuned for what changes there may be or will be.
NOW IF YOU STAY AWAY FROM THE GOLDEN TRIO, NO MORE CLASHES OR ARGUMENTS.
Not having the mind to write any more. Put everything away and tried to sleep.
Had poor success
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The weekend he spent it at the castle, as did all those third year or below since Hogsmeade outings wouldn't apply to their weekends till two weeks from now.
He thought about sleeping all morning to make up for the night before, but Blaise simply wouldn't let him indulge himself, almost dragging him out of bed.
Draco made a mental reminder to charm his bed curtains properly every weekend.
The good thing was that on weekends he didn't have to wear a uniform and could stay in his comfy cashmere shirts all day. A luxury he never thought he would have again. Point for the revival, he assumes.
Although the trousers are soft, he misses his jeans, anyway.
They ate breakfast, Draco ate little as he still felt uncomfortable being in the great hall, but that discomfort passed with each day as did the discomfort to the castle in general.
Draco ignored (lie) noticing Potter glancing at him across the tables a couple of times.
Then they did homework together with Pansy who asked Blaise for help with Runes of Magic and to tell the truth Draco also helped him as they were there but to copy him for History of Magic.
Pansy and Blaise gossiped about the latest gossip of the week that Draco had missed.
There were several derogatory comments about the appearance of various girls and boys from other houses, their wizarding abilities and attitudes, especially to half-bloods or those outside of the Sacred 28
Draco abstained from participating, did he like the gossip? Yes, but he wasnt in the mood for the snake venom spitting
-I heard that Braun is going to be transferred to Durmstrang, his place because Hogwarts is too dangerous,- Pansy said, pausing from her essay on Celtic runes and their differences from Viking runes, -The coward went crying to his mummy about the basilisk last year and now with the dementors he's terrified that they'll come after him. -
-Braun, the Hufflepuff?- Blaise asked and the girl nodded. -Well, they're not really known for their bravery, are they?
-Exactly! Then imagine how he'll do at Durmstrang- he sneered, a catlike grin decorating his features. -That school is known for teaching the dark arts to perfection and I doubt he'll live up to such an honour,- she said.
-Poor thing, they'll eat him alive- the Slytherin commented, returning to his essay.
Pansy burst out laughing.
-Of course they'll eat him, he's already got the face of a roast pig,- she said.
Draco had to dig his fingernails into his trousers to contain his laughter at the image of a roast pig in Hufflepuff robes, wand between his hooves trying to cast a spell and all that came out were intoned squeals.
It caught him off guard
Blaise didn't hold back and joined in Pansy's laughter.
-Anyway, he's a mud-blood, I'm sure his magic can't even conjure a decent Imperius.-The girl continued, not to mention a Cruciatus, Hufflepuffs are too soft for that too. -
-Have you studied the Unforgivable Curses? -
-No,i mean not deeply, no -She picked up her quill from the table and juiced the beards on the tip- but mother has told me about them, she says as the future heiress I should know them at least in name for now- -Draco stopped his quill.
Draco paused his quill.
-It's in next year's syllabus so it doesn't hurt to start learning them,.- Blaise said in a calm voice, -Did she say anything else? - There was morbid curiosity in his voice.
-She says that Hogwarts doesn't give the details of what a cruciatus feels like, but she's heard of wizards who have received the curse and she says it's a pain like no other. -
Pansy leans back a little at the table as the tone of her voice drops, her eyes watching for a second for gossipy ears, Blaise imitating her by leaning in closer to hear better. His brown eyes wide and curious.
Draco's gaze begins to drift to another space of time as he listens.
-She says that they experience it as if all their bones are being broken at the same time, as if their skin is being ripped from their bones and their muscles are being boiled - The hands holding Draco's quill begin to tremble, -And when it´s over is one of the greatest reliefs you will ever feel in your life -The blond's pupils dilate, his leg begins to shake up and down -She even says that there are disturbed wizards who subject themselves to the curse just to feel the pleasure of that relief.
Draco rises abruptly from his chair causing a clatter and drawing the attention of his friends who look at him in confusion. He just grabs and puts his things away quickly, wanting to get the hell out of there.
The Slytherins notice the blond's nervousness and frown at each other in confusion at the outburst.
Draco ignores them, grabs his bag and heads for the exit. Pansy grabs his arm before he leaves.
-Draco, what's going o-
Draco turns sharply, his brow deeply furrowed, his grey eyes giving her a gelid, angry look, the kind you give someone you hate, also much more adult than he should be at his age.
More mature.
-Do not speak of what you dont know.
Her tone denotes seriousness and dry anger, the kind that does not seek to shout but to threaten seriously.
The black-haired girl freezes in a frightened gasp.
Draco breaks free of her grip and walks away. He leaves the library and doesn't know where he's going, he just knows he doesn't want to be there.
His arms shake, his chest shakes. He feels his whole being trembling in a combination of anger, indignation and fear.
He shouldn't be angry.
Pansy and Blaise are still children, they don't know what they're talking about and Draco knows very well that they never will.
They are only curious about those ¨tabu¨ subjects, as he should be at the age his body represents, but he isn't and never will be.
And yet that makes him angrier.
He clenches his hands into two tight fists as he walks briskly, not even caring about the feel of his fingernails on his skin. He just wants to get out of that castle.
Draco turns a corner and almost collides with a group coming the same way. He dodges and ignores them without stopping to apologize.
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-Watch where you're going, Malfoy,- Ron shouts at the blond's back as he continues to walk like a fury -I think the blond thing is making him blind as well as dumb-
-Being blond doesn't make you stupid, Ron- Hermione Granger replies.
-It does to Malfoy.
Harry Potter watches the blond walk down the stairs in silence. His head tilts slightly to one side with a frown on his face, like someone looking at an abstract painting and trying to make sense of it.
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Draco reaches the shores of the black lake, where a few feet away a beautiful, solitary tree grows a little further away from the forbidden forest.
He throws his bag between two roots sticking out of the ground and approaches the shore until the water almost licks the toe of his black shoes.
He stares at the huge body of water for a second and closes his eyes as a cool breeze blows across his face.
He doesn't know why his body brought him there of all places, but the remoteness, the peace and the gentle murmur of the water keep him from wanting to run away.
He sits on the grass, in lotus position, but with his back hunched deep, his hands go to cover his face and his forehead almost touches his legs.
His body has always been cold, he doesn't retain heat well at all, so he suffers more in winter, but now he enjoys the cold feeling of his hands on his face.
-What an idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot,- he mutters with shame for having spoken to Pansy like that.
All because he can't control himself
By pure force of will and exhaustion Draco avoids crying, even though the undrained tears burn his eyes and the unreleased sobs clench his chest.
But the girl's description of the torture curse brought back more painful memories.
So far her memories were more of psychological trauma: the deaths, the fear for his life, the disappointment of his family or the horrors he had to witness.
But these were physical memories, ones that, if he fell into that spiral of memories, he could still feel as a dull ache.
The description of what it felt like was not wrong, it just lacked details, like not only your muscles burning but the constant sensation of your joints being stretched to the point of tearing or how your blood is acid that burns your veins and burns hotter with every beat your racing heart gives out.
What upset him was what was said afterwards, that there was relief.
Of course you didn't feel relieved!
All your nerve endings have just had a total and horrific collapse, as soon as it stops there is no more torturous pain, but you feel your body still hurting all over, your brain is still panicking and causing painful and unpleasant spasms too.
You vomit, you cry, you urinate, Draco even saw people shitting themselves when the Death Eaters were torturing people. You don't have control of all your sphincters so you don't control if it happens.
Draco was thankful that the latter never happened to him. It was bad enough that the crazy woman who gave him his training liked to give him triple if he wet himself
He wouldn't drink water or eat for days just to avoid that.
Some fell into madness like the Longbottoms. Also tortured by their crazy aunt.
Draco saw many people beg for death after being subjected to days of this abomination.
Some were granted while others were left like this until their brains collapsed and they died of heart attacks or internal failure.
Draco was fortunate enough to be cured by his mother after a few hours of torture and Bellatrix was at least sane enough not to "train" him every day.
She always left a week or two of space if there were missions for the dark lord.
Draco wanted to vomit, but he held back the spasm.
He grunted in frustration.
He straightened his back and took a deep breath, the cold, damp air filling his lungs and cooling his racing heart like a gentle muscle soother. He wanted to touch the scars above the tenebrous mark again but there was still nothing there, it still felt strange.
Larry would say it's just one more line in the sand. One more problem to deal with in therapy, Draco would say (although he never went).
He was still dizzy, but he'd be fine, he thought.
Another sensation attacked his body.
The damn itch.
Draco let out a growl and used both hands to scratch the sides of his neck. The itching was usually only on the outside, but now his throat was itching as well.
The skin in that area was dry to the touch and after a good scratch it was red and tender. This was the worst attack he had ever had.
A quick thought came to him. He leaned forward again, still sitting, with his hands outstretched, and took some of the cold water from the lake and washed himself with it, wetting a little the collar of his shirt, but it didn't matter because the itching began to diminish, he did the same thing again and scratched himself with his wet hands.
Slowly the itching subsided until it disappeared.
When the relief came he ran his still wet hands over his face as well. The only good thing about the itch was that sometimes it took him out of his traumas. It entertained him long enough for his brain to return to a safe zone.
Not the best coping mechanism, but not one of the worst he'd ever had.
He took another deep breath and leaned back, using his hands for support to get more comfortable.
Instead of grass his hands touched flowers?
He looked down, he hadn't noticed that a bunch of small, five-petalled yellow flowers had grown around him, surrounding him in a circle 10 cm thick.
Draco had a fixation for a while with the language of flowers (his mother has a flower name, sue him) he thought it was beautiful to be able to show emotions without saying them directly.
He recognises this flower, very common in England, monkey flower, scientific name mimulus. Related to water: rivers and lakes, because that's where they grow the most, but in the language of flowers they meant one thing:
Fear.
Draco rolled his eyes, fed up with it all.
He assumed this was due to a magical fluctuation, acting uncontrollably.
-At least I didn't destroy anything or poison the lake,- his gaze softened and he had a small smirk on his side, -the giant squid would kill me haha.
he stroked one of the flowers with her fingers, the petals were soft and delicate.
-At least they are beautiful.-
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-So, tell me your report chap, how are you feeling, any discomfort, any changes? - Lupin's deep, laughing voice filled the silence of his office. His characteristic gentle smile was there.
The rest of Saturday he hid like the snake he is in his nest of blankets he calls a bed and Blaise didn't come near him when he got to the rooms that night.
He half slept but rested long enough to go, determinedly, to Pansy and Blaise's that Sunday afternoon. He found them sitting in the stands on the quidditch pitch after a long search.
Although he slightly resented his friends in his first life, he never wanted to treat them bad or cruel in either his first life or this one, after all they had put up with him for many years. Draco was almost certain that if Pansy or Blaise came looking for him at the café where he worked he would have forgiven them without much effort.
He apologized to both of them, but more to Pansy for how he had treated her, explaining that it was a sensitive subject for him because of what his aunt had done and that his father had been the one to explain to him what happened with the curse. With a knot in his stomach he explained very succinctly how the curse itself did not end after the user ended the spell. They both seemed horrified by his explanation and forgave him, though they said they hadn't been angry they just assumed he wanted space.
Still Pansy insisted that he make it up to her by buying her lots of sweets from Honeyducks when they went to Hogsmeade. Now she had no reason not to go to that town.
Damn it
-Physical discomfort, none, no change either. I haven't grown a new pair of arms or a third leg - "to the annoyance of my many lovers" Draco thought mockingly, that would have amused and annoyed Sheila, but he couldn't have that kind of banter with his teacher, and even worse at 13 -and I feel ...fine.-
Lupin looked at him, a little skeptical of his words.
-Let me see your core, all right? - Draco nodded and sat up straight in the chair as his teacher cast the spell, -Coritende-.
The blue light glowed again and the balls of power appeared giving strength to the rest of the system.
Lupin bent down a little to analyze it better.- They seem to be a little closer together compared to last time, that's good, I guess. -
He finished the spell.
-Have you been having trouble with your classes? - The werewolf sat back in his chair and poured the tea, it was a different flavor than last time.
-A lot of my classes are theory at the moment, and because of the incident in Care of Magical Creatures, I now have one less elective- he blew gently at his tea, the steam stirred,-and the lectures like Transfiguration or potions I've been able to get through without raising suspicions- he said.
-Really? And how did you do that? -
-I've always been pretty good at Transfigurations so now McGonagall is delighted with my work and Potions needs a wizard magic touch magic in a few steps so that's what my partner does-
he had to do all the chopping and grinding of ingredients to get Blaise to agree to the wand part without asking him any questions, the bastard.
-And your class has kept it theoretical or with optional activities - Draco was about to take a sip of his tea when a theory popped into his head - .... are you doing it this way for me?
Draco wouldn't know but Lupin saw the yearning in his eyes when he asked his question, as if someone making an effort for him wasn't normal.
Lupin snorted, his smile growing on his face and abandoning his mug on the table.
-Well, I don't want to put you in a compromising situation, so I'll keep my class in this format for a while, until we sort out your control,- he said as if it was the most normal thing in the world to alter an entire study method for the sake of a single student.
Draco was deeply moved.
-B-but what will Dumbeldore say, or won't the parents complain that their children are not required to learn the practical? -
-The classes are just starting so this method won't upset anyone who really wants to learn because I'm giving them the choice, besides,- he raised an eyebrow at Draco,-Didn't they have an even more incompetent teacher last year? I didn't see the parents complaining or Dumbledore. -
Draco had a memory of chasing fairies and other creatures in second year because of that bastard Lockhart.
-Lockhart was a blabbermouth, but he had a lot of charm and charisma that blinded the easily impressed, which is why he got so far-
-You mean you don't think I have charm or charisma? - Lupin held one to his chest as if he'd been wounded, feigned a hurt voice, and gave Draco a look that reminded him very much of a kicked dog, a rather skinny but elegant dog.-You offend me, deeply, Mr. Malfoy. -
-I suppose you're right, if Lockhart could do it, I don't see why you couldn't. -Lupin nodded in agreement.
-Besides, I've seen you in class, you're quite dedicated and intelligent so we'll find out how to control your outbursts pretty quickly- he took a sip of his tea -speaking of which, do you have any ideas on how to do it-
Draco picked up his forgotten cup again.
-I've been trying to meditate, I read that it's good for controlling your energies and stuff, I assumed it might also be good for managing my magic.-
-That sounds like a good plan. And how did that work out?-
-Terribly awful - he sigh - I can't concentrate or have a blank mind so I end up nervous. I've only been able to stay calm and relaxed for about ten bloody minutes before all my worries come back -
He had tried to meditate for half an hour during lunches, he would go to the place where he grew the flowers while the others ate and try to meditate, but his ever treacherous brain would fill with voices that either criticized him or talked him down or just remembered random things that almost always plummeted back to memories of the war.
-Well, a lot of people have trouble sitting still or controlling their thoughts, it's quite common and it just takes perseverance,- Lupin reached out and gently lifted the cup in Draco's hands, inviting him to drink it. He did so, and the taste was unlike any tea he had ever tasted. - Tila tea, it's more of an infusion than tea, and it helps to relax and calming - Draco liked the taste, so he took another sip - I'll give you some before you go -
Lupin rose from his chair and walked to the center of the room.
-There are people who prefer to manage through guided meditation, someone's voice telling them what to do keeps the mind from wandering, we can try that if you like.
Draco, who had had enough of failing at something that seemed so simple, did not hesitate to agree.
Lupin instructed him to sit in the lotus position.
His hands, instead of being clasped together at the thumb and middle finger, were interlocked with, his hands upwards resting in his lap. Eyes closed and shoulders relaxed. It seemed incredible to Draco how he could trust himself to be relaxed with a teacher. An adult besides his mother who made him feel safe and secure and not needing to hide anything from himself.
Maybe he was trusting too quickly, but what the hell, he had a right to try.
-So, I need you to follow my instructions to the letter. We'll take it one step at a time, understood? -Draco nodded. "Good, take a deep breath, keep going. Now stop and keep the air in your lungs- Lupin's voice was soft, deep, slow, and easy to follow. He had lowered his tone a few decibels to match the peace they needed- 1,2,3,4,5 let the air out, but slowly-
Draco did as they said.
-That's it, very good Draco. Again...
They were on the subject of breathing for a while until Draco could keep his breath soft and relaxed, as if he was asleep.
-Now, I need you to imagine and feel your magic coursing through your body," Draco visualized in his mind the lines of energy he had seen earlier,-imagine your cores, feel them in your chest glowing with power,- Draco did so, -Perfect, now I need you to imagine how they are coming together, feel their magic combining.
The blond imagined the blue balls slowly coming together, a cell division, but in reverse.
Lupin instructed him to keep doing that for a few minutes before changing direction.
-Now I need you to imagine that from your head a transparent jelly begins to cover your entire body slowly - Draco thought it was strange, but he did it, in the end it was just imagining it - since it covered your entire body it will open but only in the palm of your hands, imagine how it opens and leaves your hands uncovered, but covers the rest of your body, good. Correct. Now, even with the jelly on you, feel your magic again. Now it is contained by the gelatin and cannot come out anywhere other than your hands, understood.
Now Draco saw where this was more or less going.
Lupin gave him instructions to visualize how this gelatin was a neutralizer and that it did not allow more magic to come out of it than he needed or wanted and only through his hands. For a moment he felt in control of his magic again.
Lupine made him take breaths again before letting him open his eyes. He blinked a little to get used to the light again. In front of him, one meter away, his teacher was sitting, also in the lotus position.
-How are you? Did it work for you, Mr. Malfoy? -
Draco felt relaxed and calmer than he had been since he revived. That was a total relief.
-yeah, this is much better than my poor attempts at meditation- they both got up from the ground. The blonde raised his arms and stretched completely. He was even happy with how relaxed he was. -Thank you very much for his help, I would never believe I could have done it on my own.-
-I think you would have done it, but a little help never hurts- Lupine moved across the room towards some shelves- besides it is also his merit, after all he followed my instructions perfectly- He grabbed a small cloth bag off the shelf and approached his student. -Good job, Mr. Malfoy.-
Draco would fervently deny if asked if he felt flattered and proud of himself at his teacher's words. His father had few compliments, a lot of criticism and if an adult complimented him were cause they wanted to get to his father or even if he achieved something they were always accused of buying his way in. That only happened once in Quidditch and he worked his ass off improving his skills. It wasn't his fault that Potter was a fucking prodigy.
He shook the thoughts of Potter out of his head.
-Thank you, Professor- Draco thought for a second, before speaking- are... are you very busy at lunch? Could you do a short meditation session?
His tone came out a few degrees more enthusiastic than he wanted but his teacher seemed delighted by the idea.
-It really has made you feel better, hasn't it?- Draco nodded somewhat embarrassed. -Come here at lunchtime, we'll have something quick and have a short session.It would also help me to relax, you kids are a lot of work, you know?-
Draco knew that he said it between reality and a joke, so he smiled from ear to ear, happy to be able to wet and control his magic faster.
-Here- Lupine placed the cloth bag in his hands- the tila tea that I promised should help him rest well tonight, it's already late and I don't want you to get into trouble-
He placed a hand on Draco's upper back guiding him to the door.
-Awwww man,- he said with not-so-feigned disappointment, -so no stories today about ridiculous pants and disastrous fashion color combinations?" -
-I'll tell you more about that next time- Lupine opened the door with a jovial smile.
-And what about the stories of some of your antics? You're not going to tell me that you were a saint-
-And who says I wasn't? -He smiled proudly.
-I could ask Professor Mcgonagall-
Lupin lost his smile for a look of concern.
-Mr. Malfoy, are you looking for ways to blackmail me? He asked in a tone of mock suspicion and with his eyes half-closed.
-Nah, if he was, he wouldn't know until the first blackmail arrived.-Draco smiled arrogantly, raising his chin and with proud eyes. Quite a slytherin face.
-Okay, rude- Lupine rolled his eyes, entertained by the conversation- maybe the next meeting, okay? -
-I'll take it, good night, professor.- Draco left the office.
-Rest, Mr. Malfoy.-
Draco Malfoy-Black, son of Narcissa Black of Malfoy, third year Hogwarts student, member of Slytherin house and person revived two weeks ago, walked down to the dungeons with a soft smile on his face and a calm heart and mind for the first time so far in his new life.