Christmas.
After the last Hogsmeade before the Christmas, James unintentionally meets Regulus on the Quidditch pitch, and he really regrets not taking flowers with him.
Though, buying the flowers was similarly unplanned.
He was with Remus and Peter in Hogsmeade, and they made their stop in front of the plants shop, though shopping flowers wasn't even in their plans. It was more of an accident, since Remus tripped just in front of the shop, and because it was an embarrassing and sensitive subject for him, the boys intuitively stopped in their tracks and started talking, pretending as if nothing happened. Remus had the time to act the same, and join the chat, but when James looked above Peter's shoulder, the question wasn't pretended.
"Do you think I should buy flowers for Regulus?" James asked then, making Peter turn around and Remus stand next to him, so they all were looking at the shop.
"Why on Merlin's beard would you buy Regulus a flower?" Peter asked, evidently confused. James felt puzzled by his friend's confusion, but he remembered, that most attention focused on Remus and Sirius, so maybe Peter omitted a bit of his other friend's growing infatuation. Or maybe James talked too little about it, since he himself wasn't sure of his feelings. The crush was only developing, but it developed fast, and James had a really thoughtful night to wholeheartedly decide he wanted something more than friendship. Though, it was the base for him, being able to walk comfortably with Regulus around the castle, with no fear or discomfort. James knew it wouldn't be easy to take the next steps, to take Regulus' hand or to take him into an embrace, since Regulus isn't comfortable with touching, but he could wait. James just wanted to get this feeling off his chest, and the urge was to tell Regulus his feelings.
Back to Peter, though, there was the possibility that he didn't know boys, either, can like getting flowers.
Well, James wasn't certain, if Regulus likes getting flowers, but it suited him in some odd way.
Maybe because of Regulus' sharp but delicate beauty, or the way he seemed reflective and absorbed in the world around him, or the way he noticed small things in human nature… but flowers just suited Regulus. And they were pretty. So why James wouldn't buy Regulus even one flower?
"Well, it's pretty?" James answered by asking.
Remus nudged James. "The flower is or Regulus?"
James grinned. He didn't answer, but went straight to the shop and left with a bunch of flowers he believed would please Regulus' eyes. James isn't knowledgeable about what flowers means, or even how they are called, but he took everything that caught his eyes, and he ended up with a bouquet of wild flowers. He decided that next time, he would pick them himself.
So when James comes into the Quidditch pitch, since he knows no one has a practice, now, he wholeheartedly regrets not taking flowers with him. He wants to tell Regulus he likes him with flowers in his hand, he wants Regulus to know he is genuine. Should he just look into Regulus' stormy gray eyes, watch how this supposedly neutral colour is vibrant and full of promises, and make vows of his own?
It's a different situation, though, when James' eyes actually meet Regulus' ones. Because they're not stormy. They are shadowed, dark and lifeless with a glint of surprise that means nothing in the course of the whole. Because what means surprise, when the boy in front of James is full of sadness? He suddenly is thankful, the flowers stayed in his dormitory room.
James sits down, next to Regulus, being watched by him all this time, but when he is finally sat down, Regulus stops looking at him, and gazes forward. They sit in silence, since James has no idea what could he say, that wouldn't be inappropriate, and just wait for Regulus to speak first. Even if they are going to be quiet, James doesn't mind. He believes in strength of comfort brought by someone's company.
It's cold, though. It's windy and, though there is no snow on the Quidditch pitch, it feels as if the ground spreads more chill itself, than if it was covered in a white quilt of snow. The air is crisp, and carries the sharp and invigorating scent of winter, but it's only fine, until you spend outside too much time. Later, it leaves you only with the coldness. So James wonders, how much cold is Regulus, already.
It makes him worried and restless, so James ponders if he should cast a fire-making spell and says it's for keeping himself warm. James is surprised by Regulus, when the boy, without looking at him, starts speaking.
"It's cold out there," Regulus says, with a gaze facing the sky. He doesn't add anything, but James sees it, sees the expression on Regulus' face, and knows there is nothing to comment about it. He guesses Regulus doesn't mean the Hogwarts grounds, just by their united presence here, but maybe he thinks of Slytherin's common room? Of dungeons? Or of something far away, a place not known to James. Supposedly so, since Regulus isn't here at the moment, not mentally. James wants to just ask, where. Where is it so cold? But he recognizes this type of silence, and he knows it's the silence of waiting. James wants to say, that Regulus isn't required to tell him anything, but if Regulus didn't want to, he wouldn't start the topic, at all.
Regulus looks at James expressionless, but it's not something negative. Regulus doesn't seem to mind James. It's more like he is analysing something, not known for James, and making the decision.
"Is your home warm, James?"
James feels the weight on his shoulders gaining its heaviness. It's a home, that is cold, isn't it?
"Yes," James answers truthfully. There were times, when James was ashamed by his background. Not because he was embarrassed of his parents or family, or money, or anything related to them. It was because James had it easy. And was surrounded by those who didn't. So it was hard to admit he doesn't have anything to complain about, when there are so many misfortunes in the lives of those around. He still remembers his thirteen old self, fidgeting, when he talked with Remus about their family situations. Remus was still guarded and withdrawn, when talking about his childhood, but it wasn't hard to put pieces together. Remus, too, saw in James something he hid. Remus watched James for a while, and expressed his relief, that James has someone lovable and loving around him, with a smile, like it meant nothing and everything. It was only after, that James realized it's nothing to be ashamed of, but it's surely something to be thankful for.
Regulus nods in acknowledgment, and turns his gaze, again, to the sky. He takes a deep breath, and exhales, looking like he needed it. James realizes it suits Regulus. The winter suits him. Because it's a season of tranquillity and calm gracefulness. Life is slower, but more reflective. It's the break between the dying autumn and newborn spring. It's a pause in living fast, to look around and see the beauty in the sounds, sights, smells or just the surrounding life. It's a period when times stops, in a way, and Regulus is just like that. Bracing presence that exists gracefully and beautifully, that wants you to take everything with serenity.
So James inhales the cold air, himself, to feel what Regulus does. He focuses on the feeling and exhales. It's calm, here. It's a safe space.
"The only thing warm in my house is Sirius," Regulus admits, bending his knees, to circle his arms around them, slightly hunched. It makes him look more vulnerable, like there is a wall crumbling and a need to feel the warmth among the coldness around. At the same time, it feels like Regulus seeks the coldness in himself, as if finding comfort in the sorrow and a distant promise of finding familiarity in the silent sadness.
It hits James, that it's not the unhappiness that makes Regulus vulnerable, but the need to talk about it.
"And you," James says, looking away from Regulus, to have the same sight of the sky in front of his eyes. There is a nice shade of blue to look at. The one that makes everything around seem brighter. Maybe that's why it gives Regulus comfort. Looking at the sky that is bright.
Regulus is quiet, maybe thinking about James' words, maybe remembering days at his house, maybe taking the journey of his thoughts far beyond what they talk about.
"I'm not so sure about it," Regulus says, finally. "There's also Kreacher, though."
"Kreacher?"
"Our house elf," Regulus explains, and James has to note in his head that Kreacher is an important figure for Regulus, even though he says nothing more about him. "Not for Sirius, though. For Sirius, it's as cold as in dungeons."
James wants to claim that Regulus must bring some comfort to Sirius, but what can he say, when he knows almost nothing about them? Maybe it's Remus, who should lead this conversation, not James. Sirius surely must have told him about their situation, right?
"Aren't you together, there?" James risks the question. Regulus glances at him, a sad expression on his face.
"Sirius is literally the only one, who is warm in the dungeons," he repeats. "And he tries not to be. Well, now a lot less, since he forgets himself. Or just resisting Lupin is too hard for him."
James huffs out a laugh, making Regulus smile a little. It's like Regulus sees James, even when he isn't looking at him. As if watching him is not needed, for Regulus to sense what is going on.
"Well, from my perspective, you're the one, who Sirius seeks," James decides to say.
Regulus contemplates something.
Then he starts his story. "On November 3rd was Sirius birthday," Regulus says, and James tries not to act too shocked about it in any way. He wishes he did something for his birthday. Anything. Just a simple happy birthday would suffice, but it's still important to make someone feel important on the anniversary of their birth. "Before you panic," Regulus apparently got to know James enough to predict his reaction, "It’s better you didn't celebrate it. Sirius doesn't like his birthday." Regulus sighs. "And I don't fancy celebrating them, too."
James wants to ask about the reason, and at the same time his conscience tells him not to. It's advice from his instinct, to avoid making Regulus sadder. Experience taught him so. Remus would be even more down, when asked. It's Regulus, though, and what if he doesn't want to talk about it with anyone else, but needs to get it off his chest, right now?
So James asks, anyway. "Why is that?"
"For many, birthdays are anniversaries of something happy," Regulus answers simply. "For Sirius… For me, it's a reminder that there is nothing good in our house for Sirius. There is only misery and…"
"Did something happened?" James asks, when he understands Regulus won't finish his sentence. It leaves him on edge, but asking won't hurt. If Regulus doesn't answer, then he doesn't. He doesn't have to, and surely is aware of this solution.
The silence is long and heavy. Loaded with questions, doubts, hesitancy and uncertainty. It's an enemy and an ally.
But Regulus answers, the cold wind tangling his hair. "My parents… For Sirius' 16th birthday…" Regulus hesitates. "I'm just afraid, that Sirius will finish something he once started. Something that will end up with him being..."
James has chills, and want to ask more. To ask what will Sirius end up being as. He doesn't, because if Regulus wanted to tell something, he would. He understands, though, that November is not a month of celebration for Black brothers. It's a time full of uncertainty, reflection upon what’s wrong and inevitable. The day that ought to be full of joy, turned into something miserable. It shouldn't be like that. It should be about Sirius starting anew with his life. With new friends. With his brother taking care of him. With finishing Hogwarts soon and possibility of escaping their home, toxic surrounding and maybe falling in love. With finding happiness.
"That's what Sirius' birthday is to you?" James asks, looking at Regulus. His question has a force, that isn't intentional, and it surprises James. Regulus, too, looks a little surprised, though he composes himself quickly.
"That's what his birthday means in our family."
So they mean nothing at all. Only misery. The regret.
James doesn't understand, but he has no means to do so. He tries to imagine the house where a parent isn't a safe haven, but a figure to run away from. Where the only embrace you get is from darkness. Where you don't know what's right and what's wrong, because you have no idea what to trust and what to doubt. Where only prospects of your future is repeating the pain and loneliness, until you get out of the vicious present. Until you run away and start something completely new. Until you get out and learn how to cope with the past.
What Regulus believes in…
"It's understandable, Regulus," James admits. He thinks of the life somewhere, where you exist, but not live. In a place, that makes you alive only when you're far away from it. "But it doesn't make it alright," he adds. James is sad and resentful, because of wizards he doesn't even know. And it infuriates him, that such a simple task as celebrating birthdays, becomes impossible. It's unjust to make one's thinking this way. Maybe it's easier to say so for James, but he finds it just… unfair. That Regulus believes his brother doesn't need his birthdays celebrated, because it reminds him of the past. That he focuses on it so much, that till this day, he feels miserable. James doesn't know everything. But he sees Sirius almost every day. He saw him laughing, and smiling, and blushing, anticipating. He saw him trying. He saw him living. "It doesn't make it alright. For you, but for Sirius, too," James thinks about Sirius' birthday, when he turned sixteen. He thinks of worried Regulus, who is fixated on his brother, who changed, who started something new. Who tries to live his life, once again. "You don't see Sirius. You see only your brother from a few years ago, who didn't have goals, prospects and was miserable. You have to see Sirius, not this boy. You have to look at your brother, the way he is now, and see. Actually see him, the way he is now. And it's not okay for you, too, you know. You don't live in a present. You don't live in the future. Shit, you don’t even live in the past. You live in some alternative, where nothing has changed. You have to come back to our world one day. To think about your goals and your perspectives, not your fears. Because that's what it is, a fear. Because Sirius is alive, and you treat him as dead."
When James says the heavy words, he wants to take back everything immediately. Emotions got the better of him. James knows nothing, but he claimed he does. He opens his mouth, closes them, opens them, again, leaving no sound. Regulus told him something difficult for him, and in answer received incomprehension.
"I'm sorry," James says finally.
Regulus is quiet, until he turns his head to look at James. He put it on his knees, and observes James, as if searching for something, again. "You don't have to be," Regulus responds, his voice sounding normal, what surprises James, but also gives him a sense of relief. "I haven't told you this to hear your lies."
It's a validation, that James' opinion matters, and also the confirmation, that James did what he was asked for. He still isn't certain if what he said was alright, though. But it's Regulus. Regulus is sincere and tells what he thinks. It calms James a little. He still feels a bit emotional, because of getting to know more dark secrets about Black family, but… He is thankful for it. For the knowledge, for the trust. James would love to soothe Regulus, before coming back for Christmas, to take the edge off him. He would love the same for Sirius. To create fun memories, before being back to misery.
"What about easing off a bit, before coming back home?" James asks.
Regulus looks at him with a raised eyebrow. The serious atmosphere of confiding is gone. "I believe we have different definitions of having fun, James."
James chuckles. Regulus didn't even need to be told, that James way of fun is spending time with his friends, it's the parties, it's the games, it's the pranks. "I'll be owing you, if you come."
Regulus considers James' words. "I'll consider it," he answers, and James smiles broadly. Regulus stares at him a bit too long to deem it natural, so James' smile exceeds its width.
"I hope you're ready to meet my Gryffindor friends?"
---
When Remus walks with James, they see Sirius near to them, so he says goodbye to James and walks towards Sirius. It surprises him, when James laughs and go with him, but he tells nothing.
Remus has ambivalent feelings about Sirius' and James' relationship. He can see how Sirius is getting used to them, and how quickly he gets comfortable with James. A lot faster than with him. It does make him bitter, but at the same time Remus finds a reason to be happier within it, since Sirius doesn't have a lot of friends, and it's great he likes James. Though, everyone likes James, so it's nothing surprising. Remus just tries to stifle this irrational fear of being replaced.
A bit of a traditional anxiety.
"My ingenious boy!" James tells loudly, making Sirius turn around and notice them. He glances around and crosses his arms.
"Yes, papa?" Sirius asks with a quirked eyebrow, and James laughs a delighted laugh. Remus smiles, despite the silliness of the situation, or maybe because of it.
"I want you to come to my party, son," James continues, but after hearing the word party, Sirius looses his foolishness.
"With your Gryffindor bunch?"
Remus, who hasn't heard of the party, either, wants to hear the answer, too.
"Yeah, don't you want to have a time of your life? You can dance, you can laugh, you can chat." Sirius shakes his head, so James shrugs. "If you change your mind, you can come all the time. It's starting in half or so."
What James doesn't add, but conveys with tilting his head up, is that the party is in the Astronomy Tower. Remus understands the message. Don't tell Sirius. Remus now has the mission to bring Sirius to the tower. And after James goes away, Remus does just that. He takes the roundabout way towards the meeting place and he does so, with an expectation of Sirius getting away, but he stays with Remus all this time, when they stroll through the Hogwarts, as if it's their usual activity. Maybe Sirius is more willing to walk with Remus, because Remus choses the less filled up with students routes. Maybe he is engaged in their chat, though it's unusually mostly Remus speaking.
It's only after they enter Astronomy Tower, Sirius puzzled about how did they end up in here, the realization shows on Sirius' face. Or maybe the more accurate word would be betrayal.
Remus raises his hands.
"It's alright, nobody's gonna know," Remus tries to justify his action. "It's only us, the friendly Gryffindors, here"
---
The start of the party is a bit stiff, with Sirius and Regulus being new to the group. Lily, Mary, Dorcas, Marlene and Emmeline are just conversing with Peter, when the four boys join, first James with Regulus, then Sirius with Remus. Marlene is the first one to break the ice and, because Sirius sat down next to her, she starts chatting him up. It also gets better, after Remus gets up to sit and talk with Regulus. On the way he gestures to James, that he should join the chat with Sirius, but he decides to give Marlene a chance. Only later, when James notices how Sirius gets really passionate talking with Marlene, he approaches them to listen in.
"Everyone should know players in their Quidditch teams! How could anyone support their team, when they don't even know the names of the players!" Sirius exclaims. James isn't surprised to hear that Quidditch is the topic that Marlene came up with.
"Remus isn't really interested in Quidditch, for example," she informs Sirius with a mischievous glint in her eyes. James wants to break the silence that comes up after her words, but Sirius is first.
"Well, it's not like we have a lot of events with Quidditch after we finish Hogwarts. It's meaningless to love Quidditch so much, since there will be fewer matches to attend after school."
James laughs quietly, hearing how fast can Sirius change his opinion, but walks away with the sound of Marlene's gasp escorting him. It's funny how Marlene wanted to provoke Sirius, but instead got provoked herself.
It's a playful evening, with everyone approaching Sirius or Regulus, sometimes, to chat about something. In the end, it's Remus and Regulus talking on the side, and the rest of them sitting in the circle and joking around. At one point, Mary went to try to talk with Regulus-Remus team-up and came back chuckling. When James asked what is it about, she said the boys are tipsy complaining about James, and his tendency to praise Sirius, all the time.
"They said it's like you're boyfriends," Mary laughed. "It's hilarious."
James smiled, because of course he found it funny, but he didn't want to break the boys' bonding time, so he stayed at his place. Around one hour has passed, since then, and James turns around to look at the boys to see what they're doing, just the both of them. He finally stops chatting with girls and wants to speak with Regulus some more. He ends up simply taken aback. It's because, when he turns around, Regulus is leaning towards Remus the same way, Remus is leaning toward Regulus. Like they're exchanging secrets. Suddenly they both start giggling hysterically, and James isn't sure if he has ever, in these almost seven years, seen Remus giggling. James isn't certain what makes him search for Sirius' face at this moment, but when he looks up, his gaze meets Sirius' one, and he can see how they both can't go through their stunned phase. It's like they join forces, when they walk toward Regulus and Remus without a word. For a moment, a thought crosses James' mind, that maybe Sirius hasn't seen Regulus giggling either.
Sirius is next to Regulus, and he wants to take a glass of butterbeer from him. James knows it's his intention, because he can see it. Regulus, though, misunderstands completely, because he cries at his brother all of a sudden.
"Don't take him, you miserable state of being!"
And before James can understand why the beer is him, Regulus jumps in front of sitting Remus and blocks him with his own body. James is too stunned to even move a finger.
Remus starts giggling, again.
"It's good," Remus taps Regulus on the leg. Regulus looks down at his apparently newfound friend, and sits down. "He wants to take your beer," Remus says and furrows his eyebrows. "He wants to take your beer," he repeats and looks up at Sirius with a scowl. "You want to take his beer."
Sirius looks like a statue, with a hand stretched out to reach for the alcohol and eyes on Remus, but not moving an inch.
James is the first one to wake himself up and takes Regulus' butterbeer from the floor. Since he is doing it already, he takes the Remus' one, as well. Then, he nudges Sirius.
"I think," Sirius says, a little dumbfounded. "I think you two had enough."
Remus raises his hand to take Sirius hand in his own. He smiles at Sirius with blush on his cheeks and a tipsy smile.
"How even your hand is so pretty?" He asks, pulling Sirius' hand, until he falls on his knees. Then, Remus scowls, once more. "How are your hands so pretty?" He repeats, and James knows Remus long enough, to know it's easy for him to get tipsy, though not so easy to get actually drunk. James doesn't think he ever saw Remus drunk, and it's a relief, somehow, to see him still in his tipsy phase.
Regulus, though. Regulus looks like he is definitely too drunk for his age, and James fully understands the look Sirius is giving the boys sitting on the floor.
"Stop touching him," Regulus says to Sirius, and tries to untangle their linked hands. "Piss off! Why are you taking Remus' time? It's mine time!"
Sirius' and Remus' linked hands, untwine easily, when Regulus breaks them apart with a force. James realizes it's his time to do something, and he comes near Regulus to pull him away from the boys. In passing, he sees how Sirius' hand has red traces.
Remus forgets about Sirius and reaches his hand to Regulus, as if to complicate James' job to calm him down. And Regulus actually starts to break loose from James, so he sends a panicked look to Sirius, but the older Black is too stunned to even notice. It's Marlene's loud laughter that catch all of their attention. James turns around to see the girls with Peter, watching James, Remus and Black brothers, having the time of their lives.
"Could you, please, help?" James asks, and Regulus fidgets a little in his grip to get himself in a better position to look at James.
"I can help you," he says casually, making the audience burst out laughing, again. Very funny, seeing their friend trying to take care of his other friend.
"Yes, Jamie, take his offer!" Mary comments.
"What do you need?" Regulus asks, and James feels how his face is getting warmer.
"Can we sit a bit aside?" James requests quietly. Regulus watches James closely, so he smiles at him, and it's Regulus' time to blush. He tries to hide his face between James' arm and chest. The laughter shakes James, and he is certain Regulus feels it, too. "Mates, I think it's time to go to our dorms."
When James turns around to look at his friends, the girls (beside Marlene, who looks like she found teasing material) have soft expressions on their faces, a mix of admiration and affection. Peter just starts to clean up the mess, but stops, seeing how everyone is quiet.
"Are we leaving or not?" Peter asks, genuinely confused.
In the meantime, Regulus steps away from James and casually sits next to Remus, once again. Sirius, who is no longer dumbfounded, takes his brother by his arm, and tries to pull him up. Regulus gets up obediently, but pouts. James sees the scowl forming on Remus' face, and he already feels exhausted. He just leaves them be and helps Peter clean up.
He would like to do everything their usual way. That means taking everyone under Invisibility Cloak to their common rooms with their Marauders Map in case they will have to hide also their legs under the cloak. James misses the times when him, Remus and Peter were kids and could fit in the cloak without problems. Well, nowadays, it's enough for Peter to just transform into his Animagus form, but it doesn't help, when there are other people needing to get care of.
Regulus stands in one place all the time, just observing everyone with crossed arms, and waiting for Sirius. James peers at the older Black brother and sees, how he stands with Remus, but glances at Regulus from time to time, and looks… annoyed? It's probably, because Remus is muttering under his breath about being split up with Regulus.
Sirius mumbles something, too, but James can't hear, though Remus suddenly starts smiling. And he doesn't stop. He just stands, smiling at Sirius, as if it's enough.
When James approaches them, because it's time to leave, he hears Sirius saying, "What about… chocolates? Have you found, from whom they are?"
James supposes it's a scene he shouldn't witness, but what's done is done. Even though Sirius looks thoroughly self-conscious, playing with his fingers, not really looking up and shifting his weight from one foot to another.
"We still don't know," Remus answers, smiling softly. It's this kind of smile, that is reserved specifically for Sirius. Radiating a sense of comfort and affection, but also a gentle ray of sunshine breaking through the clouds. The smile radiating tenderness, and making the ones looking at it, feel at ease. James loves it, and loves it shows for Sirius only.
It's a shame, James has to interrupt them.
"I'm taking everyone to their rooms, but I can take one person, up to two," James cuts in their cosy chat. "I'll take you and Regulus to the dungeons, first," James says to Sirius. In answer, he gets furrowed eyebrows, but a nod nonetheless. James waves to Regulus to come, and when he does, James takes out the party-exit-essentials from his robe.
"I'll get you out first," James informs, not even looking at the Black brothers, but guessing they understand. He taps a map with his wand and recites the usual phrase. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." The content reveals itself, so James, satisfied, looks up to see perplexed Regulus and thoughtful Sirius. James has no idea, what is Sirius suddenly wondering about, but he doesn't ask. "Ready?" James spreads the cloak, revealing the silky, slippery fabric, and gestures to come under it. Remus gently pushes Sirius under the cloak and then grabs Regulus to do the same.
"Have a safe trip," Remus says, and takes a step back.
It must be funny to see from the outside, the three pairs of legs without bodies. From the inside, it's not so humorous. The space is small, their breaths mix with each other, creating a not so nice smell, and it's utterly hot. Surprisingly, Regulus minds the least. While the walk, he starts talking.
"I hate the way you look, Potter," Regulus mutters, but it's audible just enough. James isn't sure if it's validate, but it hurts a little.
"Ouch," Sirius voices, what James has in mind.
"Yes," Regulus nods a bit too widely, and hits James' nose with his head. "It would be easier, if you looked different."
"Oh?" James asks gloomily. What would be easier? Talking with him? Does Regulus hate how James looks this much?
"I think he means, you're too much his type," Sirius clarifies.
"Yes," Regulus agrees, as if it's natural and doesn't stop talking. "And I hate it, when you're so… sunny. You could stop smiling sometimes, you know."
James feels his heart beating faster and hopes it's not detectable. Despite Regulus' words, or maybe because of them, he grins.
"Should I?"
Regulus, as if sensing James' action, changes his position to look at him, but along the way he almost knocks everyone over.
"It’s so bloody unfair, stop it."
James isn't sure if that's how flirting should look like, but somehow, he feels like they do flirt, at this moment. It's weird circumstances for a flirting, since there is Sirius beside, and the three of them are squeezed in uncomfortable positions, but it's still gratifying and makes James kind of giddy.
Then Sirius says, "I think I'm gonna puke."
James tries to convince himself it's because of the alcohol, but then remembers Sirius didn't drink much, keeping watch on his younger brother. It's fortunate they're just beside Slytherin common room, so James can take off the cloak and breath the fresh air, already forgetting about the stuffy conditions they were in a moment ago.
Sirius only glances at James over the shoulder and goes straight to the common room. Regulus nods to James with a scowl and follows his brother.
They part kind of happily, surrounded by easiness and comfort, but there is darkness above their heads. James tries with a smile to sent it back, from where it came. But the sky is wide, and James is not sure, if he can.
---
The next day, Remus meets Regulus on their way to the train. They look at each other awkwardly, Remus remembering the events from yesterday, and Regulus probably, too. They finally sigh, funnily enough, at the same time, and proceed towards each other.
"Before you tell anything, Lupin, I have no idea what I saw in you, yesterday."
Remus stifles his laugh and looks sadly at Regulus.
"Does that mean I should throw out our friendship bracelets?"
Regulus smiles, Remus, too, and everything is fine. Everything is as it was.
---
Christmas is warm, cosy and ends fast. It's not uncommon for the great time to pass quickly. It makes it even worse to know the bad time tends to feel as if it will never end. But it does. The grim, even hurtful time is long and damaging, but it does end.
As it does for Regulus and Sirius.
Though the returning from this bad time, is not so easy, because it comes with disagreement, disappointment and resentment. James knows something is truly wrong, when, during the eating in the Dining Hall, he sees both the Black brothers storming out. Or rather Regulus leaving, definitely upset over something not known to James, and Sirius following him instantly.
James should know better not to follow them, too, but apparently, he still goes after them. James hears Remus and Peter calling him, but he doesn't stop. He follows Regulus and Sirius to some secluded corridors of the castle, in the opposite direction from other students.
"Reggie, can you just stop ignoring me already?" Sirius calls after Regulus, but his younger brother still strides straight, as if in a specified direction. "Reggie, for Merlin's sake!"
"Piss off!" Regulus turns around to look at Sirius, and for James' surprise, his face doesn't look entirely cross. There is some rage, that twitches his face, flush rushing to the surface, tightened jaw and clenched fists. But the tears don't seem like those of anger. They are due to the overwhelming emotions, and yes, part of it, is the anger, but it's not… primary. Regulus looks like he is about to cry any moment, but it's because of the sorrow, the remorse, even. Like he is angry, but not only about Sirius. "Piss off, just piss off!"
"Reggie…" Sirius tries to reach out for Regulus, but he takes a step back, as if the touch of his brother is poisonous.
"Don't Reggie me," Regulus starts, unclenching and clenching his fists again, and again. "I told you not to do this again, but you of course wanted to play some kind of hero, right?" Regulus' eyes meet James' in this exact moment, and he startles, but then he looks like he makes some decision.
"And what should I have done?" Sirius asks, and though James sees only his back, he can imagine the expression on Sirius' face, just by hearing his voice. The annoyance, but distress, too.
"Not, bloody, taking my hits!" Regulus shouts with equal irritation and hopelessness. Then, he passes by Sirius to reach James' wrist and pulls him somewhere entirely else. James is too surprised to ask even one question, but he probably wouldn't say anything, even if he wanted. Regulus is too emotional at this moment, and he doesn't need additional reasons for further ire.
They even pass Remus, who must have decided to follow James. James, though, gestures with his head to go in the direction of Sirius, getting a nod of apprehension.
James realises that Regulus leads him to the Quidditch pitch quite quickly, but he doesn't say anything, only trying to comprehend what actually happened. Sirius took hits intended for Regulus? What kind of hits? Physical ones, James guesses, but he heard many stories of physical violence in pureblood families, so he knows about many ways of hurting the other person. James surely doesn't like any of them. Does that mean, though, that Sirius and Regulus are constantly leaving under the pressure of getting hit? And Sirius takes the hit on himself, at least sometimes, so Regulus can be well? As if any kid in this situation could be well, and what's more… Is Regulus living in a constant guilt? How could James ease it off him a little? What James could say to make it better? Can he?
James doesn't know what to do.
"I believe, Sirius does what he does, because he feels better, when he is able to protect his younger brother. He doesn't want you to feel bad about it," James risks saying, when they finally reach the field. Regulus instantly lets go of James.
"I don't bloody care, because he doesn't care of what I feel, himself!"
James feels helpless. Regulus turns around to face him, but it doesn't help at all. It gets only worse, because even in the dim light of the moon, the darker shades around Regulus' eyes are visible, and the tears in his eyes shine as if they were crystals, not the evidence of the emotions of sorrow. Though, maybe they are crystals of some sort. Genuine, precious and not something to ignore, but something to take care of.
"Can I know," James hesitates, but asks anyway. "What happened?"
"Kreacher," Regulus says, but his voice cracks, and he doesn't finish. But tears wells up in his eyes, though they don't spill over. James gives in to his impulse to come closer, but Regulus stops him, by raising his hand. "I just see more and more reasons to hate my family. They're wrong about… things, about Kreacher. I…"
James sees, what Regulus feels.
"You don't want Sirius to suffer anymore."
Regulus stares at James, gulps, and when he starts talking, his voice is different. It's angry, but dejected, it's troubled.
"Almost whole life, I was obedient. I was trying not to put myself in the situation I could be blamed for. I have to do something? I'm doing it without any objection. I must act in a specific way? I'm doing so. I must cut off someone from my life? I'll do so gladly. Because, if not, how could they be satisfied? How to please wizards that are the most demanding and discontented people I know? I thought it was normal, that it was okay. Is it, though?" James shakes his head slowly. "Obviously it's not. And being obedient? It gave me nothing. One chance, only one time to tell them they're wrong, and everything crumbles. One question, one sentence, one word, and everything, my whole life of destroying myself and my brother, falls apart."
James has no idea of what exactly happened, though it probably has something to do with the house elf, and Sirius, and of course, Regulus. James doesn't know a thing, but he still feels anger bubbling up in his stomach to the point of exhausting himself with the need to do something, even if it's only screaming. He wants to take the Black brothers in, to adopt them, as if the teenager he is, could do anything. But most of all, he wants to go there, to the Blacks, and make them suffer the way they made suffer their children. Only kids, only teenagers. Their children. Where's the maternal instinct, when your child is crying in front of you, because of you? James has an image before his eyes. The image of little Regulus, hiding behind his older brother, both of them trembling in fear of their own parents. And thinking it's normal.
James says nothing, because he doesn't want Regulus to stop talking.
"And I'm furious," Regulus says. The cold wind ruffling his hair and making his robes flickering in all directions. "I'm furious, because I care about them, I… I love them. But they aren't capable of love. I would never know about it, if not Sirius, showing his love to me. I'm furious," Regulus suddenly gets even more cross. "Because Sirius never knew what love looks like, but he could show it anyway. I'm furious," Regulus looks up with closed eyes. "Because I'm afraid. I live in constant fear, that one day Sirius will tell something that is apparently wrong, and they will just kill him. They will finally kill him, as they almost did on Christmas, and it's all because of my comment that they were wrong about Kreacher. It's because Sirius got punished instead of me. They will kill him, they will finally kill him," Regulus finally starts crying, and it's not a typical cry, when the tears trickle down, glistening and leaving the salty aftertaste. He starts crying, weeping like a child, hardly making out sounds from his mouth. Hardly making out the words out of it. James doesn't understand everything. But he tries to, and makes out most of it. How Regulus asks what did they get from being obedient and brainwashed. What they lives meant, if not being puppets waiting for crumbs of love? Regulus cries his heart out, repeating he doesn't want Sirius suffering because of him, but Sirius wouldn't leave their house, until Regulus could, too.
"I don't want Sirius to hurt," Regulus weeps, making James feel his emotions washed over him like an unrelenting tide. Making the air heavy and mournful. Making Regulus' red and swollen eyes look like they never knew the tears. As if he didn't cry in his head day after day. "I don't want to care about them."
And James understands, why Regulus doesn't want to. He doesn't exactly understand how someone can love people like them, like their parents, but James doesn't know how it is like. How it is to feel miserable and derided by his own parents. To fear them. To beg for someone's love.
The only thing he learned in his childhood, is how to give love, and he does what he can, being there for Regulus, not really wanting to leave him alone, though. Regulus cries, trembling, and James embraces his feelings, embraces Regulus' pain and takes a few steps to take him into the hug. Regulus doesn't stop trembling, and it's good, it's good.
Because, this way, James can bear the small part of Regulus' pain with him. This way, James knows that Regulus isn't alone, while shedding tears. That he isn't talking to the cold walls of his underground room. He embraces Regulus and his pain until the boy falls asleep, and James takes out his map he luckily enough took with himself. James makes sure everyone is inside their rooms, and he lifts Regulus, to take him away from this cold, winter air. James doesn't know where to take him, so he makes his way to the room that seems the warmest to him.
James meets Lily in the Gryffindor common room, but she takes only a glance at Regulus and smiles at James sadly, turning her head to give the privacy. To act as if she saw nothing. When James enters his room, Peter doesn't sleep, but tells no word, either. Remus is nowhere to be seen, but it doesn’t concern James. He knows, that probably not only Regulus is found in critical condition.
James puts Regulus down on Remus' bed. He covers him with a blanket and sighs, muttering goodnight to Peter, but not even hearing the answer. James is deep in thoughts, and it takes him a lot of time to fall asleep.
---
In the meantime, Remus approaches Sirius, who looks angry, but more in the frightened and unprotected way, making Remus' heart ache, just from the sight of him. Sirius notices him instantly, as he always does, normally making Remus feel fluttered. Now, though, giving him less time to think.
It's not easy for Remus to find the right words. He probably can never really say anything the other person wants to hear. Or needs to hear. But Remus truly wants to. He is in despair to do so. To make his words comforting. But in front of him is a person, who looks like a caged animal, wanting to burst, but not being able to, or just trying not to. Remus starts to feel scared, too, but does what in his might not to show anything. To display only calmness, the warmth and encouragement. The will to listen.
Remus can add the basic facts and suspects something wrong happened between Black brothers, or more exactly in the Black family. Regulus and Sirius argue, often. But it's the sibling quarrels. Sometimes more aggressive than for typical siblinghood, but there is love. They're family. This argument, though, left Regulus seeking comfort in James and left Sirius alone in the state of uncomfortable emotions. Just after their comeback from home. It looked like Regulus was already angry at Sirius, so something probably happened before they arrived to Hogwarts. Family situation? Sirius has done something at home? Or it is completely different case?
Sirius watches Remus carefully, not coming near, but not running away, either.
So Remus looks Sirius into the eyes and takes steps towards him. It's not until he is near enough Sirius, that Remus raises his hands to gesture the 'I'm not trying to do anything' sign. It's not until Remus raises his hands, that Sirius flinches, and Remus stills, feeling his heart stop for a few beats. It's not until Sirius flinches, that Remus' world halts, or slows down, he isn't sure. The only feeling he makes out is dread. The realisation, that must show on his face, even though he wants to hide his emotion for Sirius' sake. And Remus knows that there is violence in Blacks family. More than one kind of violence.
But his world stops, because Sirius wasn't scared of his family just now. He flinched, because of Remus.
Because Remus forgot to act carefully.
Remus swallows the saliva that formed in his mouth and tries to discreetly take a deep breath.
It makes sense, actually, the flinch. Remus builds up some scenarios of why Regulus and Sirius could argue with each other. The sudden, unexpected flinch. The fear, the unease, the anxiety and the uncertainty. Why is Sirius so on edge. Why is Regulus so angry at him. There are answers hidden in the circumstances. Answers hidden in the House of Black. In the Black brothers relationship and the people they grew into. The insecurities.
Remus almost unconsciously starts to blame their parents. And with the blame, comes hate.
He looks at Sirius, and doesn't break the eye contact. Sirius looks ashamed, seemingly aware of Remus' realisation. Sirius appears to be sorry, like his natural reflexes are his fault. Like it hurt Remus. It did, that's true. But it wasn't Sirius, who makes Remus hurts. Never Sirius.
It's his pain, his situation, his sadness.
Sirius is anxious, though, and he tries to reach out to Remus, as if to say sorry, but he seems insecure about it, and it hurts Remus even more. This lack of confidence, when it comes to making physical contact with other person. The restraint. The shyness.
Sirius reaches out, but pulls his hand back and flexes his fingers. So Remus reaches him out, instead, just so Sirius doesn't have to. Just so he has another presence with him now, the one he needs.
Remus takes Sirius hand in his, and because what he wants to do is private, and he doesn't trust even empty corridors without their map, Remus takes Sirius to one of the rooms, and closes the door behind them.
They are alone, watching each other carefully. So close, that Remus can feel Sirius breath on his skin. And Remus' hand reaches to hold Sirius' robe, but he looks him straight into the eyes. He is waiting, trying to feel Sirius' emotions, but he is clenching his jaw, lips thin and avoiding Remus' eyes. But then, here it is. Sirius nods, and if Remus wasn't paying such close attention to the boy in front of him, he wouldn't have noticed it. But he does, so he pulls Sirius' wear up, and there is nothing sexual about it. About Remus pulling up Sirius' clothes, about their proximity… It's intimate, yes, but it's not sexual. There is unexpected trust, and vulnerability that Sirius is brave enough to show.
And when Remus sees all the white lines on Sirius' body, he clenches his fists, remembering not to show much on his face. He wants for Sirius to feel safe emotionally. Especially emotionally. But when Remus looks at all the scars scattered around the boy's skin, he wants to scream. Or cry maybe, Remus is not sure. He feels a bit overwhelmed, even though he suspected it. He knew he would see something he wishes wasn't there, but it is worse than he thought. Just the mere idea that these are marks made by Sirius' family, people he should feel closest with, people who should be his safe place… People that Sirius' should seek a comfort with. People that are his worst nightmare, instead of the shelter from it. People who are the reason why Sirius can't trust and feel like can't be trusted.
Remus has scars, too, but it's all different when you scar yourself, and when people who scar you, make you think it's your fault. And make you think it's deserved, it's normal, it's required. Remus hates it so much, but he tries to conceal these feelings for now, because Sirius is possibly looking at him, searching for reasons to close himself again.
That's why Remus lets out a shaky breath and instead of saying a thing, breaking the silence, he lets his hand touch the silver, thick lines, and he just brushes them lightly. He feels Sirius' eyes on him, now, so he is sure he's being watched by him, but… But Remus still doesn’t know what reaction is the proper one. He just feels sad, and angry, and he is touching the scars softly. Because Remus feels that it's the way Sirius should be treated, softly, with care.
Just light caresses. A little bit of tenderness in spite of the brutality that made them.
Remus lowers the fabric and looks up at Sirius. No one is telling a word, they're just watching each other, and Remus lifts his hand to caress the other boy's cheek. Sirius closes his eyes, like he wants to focus on the feeling of being touched with affection, not the harshness. But Remus is noticing everything he can, so he sees the moment Sirius is going to break, before it comes. The little trembling of the lips, the force with which eyes are being kept closed. Remus closes the distance between them, with the strong embrace, before he hears Sirius sniffle. He hugs him tightly, placing cheek on Sirius' head, and he holds him, and holds him, and holds him, all the time. He holds him when he feels Sirius tremble. He holds him, when Sirius is clutching his robe like it's his anchor. He holds him, when he feels how his collarbone is getting wet. He holds him, when the crying stops, and they're together in this vulnerable moment, so the only thing that Remus can think of is how grateful he is that he can hold Sirius, and that Sirius lets himself being held.
"You're safe," Remus whispers in Sirius' hair, though he knows it's not entirely the truth. He might be safe at this moment, but he's not safe overall. He is not safe, because of his family, and it hurts Remus more than he would think it would. "You're safe," he repeats, though, and feels Sirius relaxing in his embrace. Then he knows it's not about how is Sirius' safety altogether, but how it is in their little, quiet moment, when Sirius lets Remus hold him, and feels safe, not expecting Remus to hurt him.
And Remus swears to himself that he won't. He can't bear ever hurting this boy, when all he wants to do, is to heal him and make him feel loved, and valuable. Remus places a soft kiss on Sirius' head, and it's a reflex, really. He does that before he thinks about it, but when he does, it fits perfectly. It's natural, it's how it is supposed to be.
Remus squeezes Sirius a little bit more, and they stay like this. One holding, and one being held. Though, who is which one, that's something none of them know, so maybe, they both are both, holding and being held.