Sunflowers
26th April 1978
Solana kept running even after Remus had called her name, she ran and ran and ran. She didn’t stop running until she found a vacant broomstick cupboard, she locked the door behind her before crashing to the floor, her knees up to her chest as she cried into them.
There was a knock on the door.
“Lana?”
Remus stood on the other side.
“Can I come in?”
She didn’t answer, moments later she heard the lock open and the door creak, “Lana?”
He put his head through the door, his face full of genuine concern for her, he walked in closing it behind him.
“How did you find me?” she asked.
He hesitated, tucking parchment paper into his pocket. “Lucky guess. What happened?”
Solana wiped the tears that refused to stop falling, “Madam– she– Pomfrey thinks I’m–” she couldn’t even say the words.
Remus knelt down in front of her, “Lana, what’s happened?”
She sniffed. “She thinks I– I’m pregnant, but I can’t– I can’t be,” she cried, burying her face into her hands.
“She didn’t do any tests yet, you can’t be sure without the tests–”
“I’ve missed at least two periods, there’s no other explanation,” she shook her head. “I can’t– I can’t have his baby.”
Antonin already controlled her life as it was, if he ever found out she was carrying his child she would never ever be free.
“There ways to get rid of pregnancies–” Remus started but Solana shook her head.
“They would find out, my parents– Antonin– it would all go down on my medical records, I wouldn’t be able to hide it,” She sniffed.
Remus chewed the inside of his cheek then looked at her, “Do you trust me?”
“I’m not drinking a dodgy potion from Knockturn alley,” Solana stated.
But he shook his head, placing a hand on her cheek and lifting her head up. “Do you trust me?”
He was so close to her, so close that she noticed that he had little golden specs in his iris’.
She swallowed hard, of course she trusted him. She would even trust him with her life.
Solana nodded.
“Okay,” Remus said, wiping the remaining tears from her face, “We’ll find out if you are and if so… we’ll deal with it, okay?”
Solana nodded again, “Okay.”
“Are you ready to go back?” he asked, gently, he didn’t seem to be in a rush to be anywhere.
“Yeah,” she said, he stood up holding his hand out, she took it and hoisted herself up letting out a small breath. “Sorry for being rude to you,”
Remus shrugged. “You were your usual self, which means I’m used to it,” he gave her a small smile. “Come on, Madam Pomfrey does not like it when people run away, trust me I know.”
She followed behind him, her stomach still churning.
She cried even more when Madam Pomfrey showed her the positive sign, “Unfortunately because you are pregnant on school grounds your parents will have to be informed–”
“No!” Solana shot up, “No, Madam Pomfrey, they can’t know–”
“Miss Black–”
“They can’t know, if they know then they’ll make me keep it–”
“It’s against the rules if I don’t–” Madam Pomfrey began.
“Poppy,” Remus looked up at her, he had a pleading look on his face.
“No,” Madam Pomfrey shook her head. “I cannot bend the rules for one student Remus–”
“Just this once, please,”
She looked at the two of them, “I will be in serious trouble if anyone finds out, Remus.”
“No one will know, just us, please Poppy,”
Madam Pomfrey gave him a hard long look then sighed, “Fine,” she pointed a finger at him. “I swear if anyone finds out–”
“No one is going to know, I promise,” he said, solemnly then he looked at Solana, giving her a warm smile.
She wished his smile could have cured everything. But it didn’t, she still had Antonin’s baby inside of her, and the sick feeling had not yet subsided.
Madam Pomfrey had given her a note to take the rest of day off of class, she said goodbye to Remus after he dropped her off at the entrance of the common room.
She headed straight to her dorm, catching her reflection in the bathroom mirror.
Solana had always been told that pregnancy gave you a glow, but Solana looked anything but. Her face was pale, her skin gaunt, her eyes guided down to her stomach. She unbuttoned her shirt and lowered her skirt below her bellybutton.
She wasn’t showing.
That was good.
No one would know, but she still had no idea what she was going to do so that no one would ever find out.
She didn’t want to think about it so she climbed into her bed, wishing for sleep but instead lay up staring at the ceiling.
☀
29th April 1978
Remus slipped a note into her pocket as he walked past her in the corridor, she had been walking with Antonin so he wouldn’t have been able to tell her.
One eyed statue,
1pm
That was all it said.
She got there at ten to one, Remus was already waiting for her, she assumed he had probably been there since at least twelve.
“Hi,” she said, quietly.
He smiled small, “So um, I got you an appointment–”
“I can’t go to St Mungo’s–” she said, quickly.
Remus shook his head, rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s not at St Mungo’s… it’s at a muggle hospital,”
“Muggle?” she asked, she furrowed her brows. “Will it work?”
“I don’t know but it’s the best we’ve got, and to make sure that no one finds out or can trace it back to you, your name is Shellie Fowler.”
Solana nodded.
“You want to do this right?” Remus asked, getting one final reassurance from her.
“I don’t want his baby,” she said, plainly.
Remus nodded, “Okay, let’s go.”
☾
The strong smell of hand sanitizer hit Remus as soon as he walked into the hospital. The receptionist had pointed to the direction of the abortion clinic, Remus noticed she had given Solana a dirty look but she hadn’t seen it, her eyes stayed on the ground as he led the way.
The nurses at this reception were much nicer this time, they welcomed Solana with a comforting smile, they escorted the two into the waiting room, there were only three other women waiting.
They were all alone, one woman looked to be in her late thirties, she had a shaved head and several facial piercings. The other two looked like they might have been in their mid twenties, one of them had swollen eyes from crying.
Remus and Solana went to the seats by the window, he caught a glimpse of the sea before he sat down, he picked at the magazines on the table.
“Do you want one?” he asked Solana but she shook her head, her eyes fixed on the legs of the chairs opposite.
He reluctantly picked up a celebrity magazine dated back to the late 60’s. The only sound was the clock ticking and the sound of the girl sniffing. It was nearing three o’clock when a nurse came out of the room.
“Miss Shellie Fowler?”
Remus nudged Solana’s arm, she looked at him then the nurse.
“Oh,” she muttered, standing up. “Could you come?”
He nodded, walking behind her but the nurse shook her head. “I’m afraid that only patients are allowed beyond this point.”
Remus looked at Solana apologetically. “I’ll be here when you’re done.”
She hesitated, but the nurse smiled at her. “You’re in safe hands Miss Fowler.”
Solana nodded but didn’t say anything.
“The procedure will take a few hours, you’re welcome to stay here or you can go down to the lobby, there’s a cafe and a few shops down there,” the nurse told him.
Remus gave her a nod and Solana one last look before the door closed behind her, he turned around to the empty waiting room.
He decided that it would probably be best to head down to the cafe, since he’d forgotten to eat lunch, he hadn’t realised how much his stomach was rumbling. He spent an extortionate amount on a cheese and ham toastie with a tea, the sugar looked too lumpy from all the customers putting their wet spoons into it so he opted out of having any.
Despite eating slowly he hadn’t wasted much time at all so he walked amongst the gift shops, looking at the measly book section that Remus had read six out of seven.
Just as he was leaving the shop he caught a glimpse of a florist, red roses, purple hyacinths, and white orchids were in the window, the sweet smell of flowers reminded him of his childhood. His mum loved to fill the house with flowers when he was younger.
He touched the petals of a sunflower just behind the daffodils.
“Do you need any help, sir?” an elderly lady asked, she had a warm smile that reminded him of Poppy.
He smiled back at her, “Oh, I was just looking,”
“We just got those ones in,” she nodded at the sunflowers, “Usually they don’t come in until the end of May but we got lucky this year.”
“They’re nice,” Remus nodded, looking at the price then reaching down into his pocket, checking what he had, he was 70p off the original price. “I’m afraid I don’t have enough,”
The lady took the bunch off the stand and handed them towards him. “Take them, that’s my good deed done for the day,”
“Are you sure?” he asked.
She smiled softly. “You remind me of my grandson, he’s gone off to America to study, managed to get himself into Harvard, we’re very proud of him.”
Remus tried to hand the lady the rest of his money but she refused, shaking her head. “They’re yours,”
“Thank you,” he nodded at her, holding the flowers.
He checked his watch, still having plenty of time but nothing to do so he went back to the waiting room, placing the bunch down carefully on the seat next to him.
It didn’t take much longer before the door opened and Solana walked out, her red swollen eyes from crying catching his own.
He stood up with a supportive smile.
“Hey,” she said quietly.
“You okay?”
She nodded. “Tired,”
“Oh I got you these,” he said, grabbing the bunch of Sunflowers.
Tearfully she walked towards him wrapping her arms around his waist.
“Sunflowers are my favourite,” she sniffled into his chest.
He used one of his hands to stroke the top of her shoulder blade, resisting the urge to kiss the top of her head to show that he was there for her, no matter what.
“I don’t want to go back to school yet,” she said.
Remus nodded. “I saw a beach, do you want to go down there?”
Solana mumbled a yes, and Remus led the way.
☀
Remus held a paper cone of chips as they sat on the pebbled beach, watching the blue-green waves. Solana took another chip covered in salt and vinegar. She was hungry but she didn’t want to eat, however Remus had insisted she should because he’d overheard one of the doctor’s tell that to another patient, and he would not take no for an answer.
The beach was quiet, just a few families putting all their stuff away, a dark cloud was brewing in the distance, so they were getting prepared to leave.
A young boy, maybe four, was kicking a large inflatable ball about the beach, his dad followed behind him closely. He giggled as the ball landed just by Solana’s feet, she smiled up at him passing it back.
“Say thank you, Alfie,” the dad said, but he hid behind his fathers legs, to which he rolled his eyes, “Kids, eh. Come on then little man,”
As they walked back to their picnic blanket, Solana felt a deep pit in her stomach.
“Do you think you’ll ever have kids?” she asked Remus.
He let out a thoughtful breath but shook his head. “I don’t think so, not if there's a chance they will inherit what I’ve got.”
Solana nodded, hugging her knees. “I don’t think I ever want kids. I wouldn’t be able to protect them.”
Antonin would be just like her father, her children would be just like her. She didn’t want that for them. So she simply wouldn’t have any.
She shivered as a sharp breeze blew past them, without a word Remus took his jacket off and covered her shoulders with it.
“Thank you,” she said, quietly, she moved closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder.
A part of her felt sad, but most of all she felt glad that she would never bring a child into the world knowing who their father would be.