Here's the heartbreaking but honest truth: mary will love lily for all of her days. She would rather die than stop loving her.
Lily will never love mary like this, will never see her as more than her best friend. This, too, is the devastating truth.
Mary has long accepted this. It still hurts; an ache that never leaves her bones.
~~
Lily was not even her first love; she wasn’t even friends with lily until their fifth year. No, lily was not her first love.
It was a girl by the name of lilith hunter, tall and brunette, cruel and kind whenever it suited her, she had shattered Mary’s heart. But she had been her first love. She had lived in the same village as mary. They meet in the summer holidays of mary’s fourth year, and mary had thought the world of her, until she had called mary a "disgusting freak".
And that had been the end of that. It still hurt to think about her. It had taken years, and practice, to not cry every time she thought about her. And lily. of course, she had needed lily.
~~
Lily. Beautiful, reckless, kind, charming, lily. Lily, with her dark red hair and her green eyes and her golden-brown skin. The most beautiful woman on this planet.
The recklessness, mary always told her, would get her killed one day; lily always laughed and wrinkled her nose, which gave Mary butterflies every single time.
"Lucky i have you then. I know you’ll always look after me.”
~~
Once, when mary had snuck up into lily’s bed at night and they had been giggling under her covers, lily had told her a secret.
"I like you," lily had whispered, giggling.
"You know, like that."
Mary had blushed and changed the subject, and lily…
Lily had never mentioned it again. Sometimes, mary wondered if it had all been different if she had just told lily that she liked her too. But she didn’t.
And then, lily had started dating james, who she had always despised and mary…
Well. She knew that was the end of it, when she saw the way lily looked at james. Like he'd hung the stars in the sky. Like she'd go to the ends of the earth for him. And mary understood, because she would do anything for lily, anything at all.
But it still hurt, though. A constant, never-ending burning.
~~
Lily's getting married. Lily's getti… god.
Lily's getting married, and mary cries every night and puts on a smile every morning. She's the maid of honour, so she's very involved, and… she just hoped- she hoped. After all those years of agonizing pining, she still had hope. It was ridiculous and technically hopeless , and yet- even now she hoped relentlessly. It hurt too much to give it up, even if it was killing her.
~~
Lilith hunter. Mary hasn't seen her in… god, years. Yet here she is, in the bridal shop, looking smug as ever. And unfortunately breathtaking beautiful.
"She's a disgusting freak, you know. a dyke,”she jerks her chin in mary's direction, and mary… mary feels her face go red.
Beside her, lily goes pale with anger.
"Do not call her that," lily says fiercely, her eyes flashing. Lilith’s mouth twists into an ugly sneer.
"Why not? It's just the truth. She was in love with me once… she's probably in love with you, too, you know. It's sickening."
Mary’s heart drops somewhere below her feet, and she gasps quietly. Lily takes her hand.
"Mary is a lesbian," she says steadily, "but that doesn't make her a freak. People like you, on the other hand..." she trails off pointedly, and lilith flushes blotchily. she doesn't look so pretty anymore.
Lily clucks her tongue pityingly. “You must be a very sad person, to be so cruel," she says coldly, and then she drags mary out of the shop.
~~
Mary breaks down on the day of the wedding.
Lily is so beautiful, her red, red hair is wild and free, and her beautiful fairytale dress is so magical, and she's beaming, her eyes twinkling, her skin practically glowing in the summer sun.
And she's so out of reach. And it is her fault because she was too scared to have lily when lily wanted her.
Mary has known this for years, but… it's solidified now, harsh and painful. She feels like something's stuck in her throat.
Mary’s brushing on her mascara, lily had insisted on makeup, when she begins to sob. It's quiet at first, and she doesn't notice until lily reaches up and brushes the tears from her eyes.
"It's going to be ok," lily says, but she seems sad, and mary shakes her head. she has to tell lily now. if she doesn't, she'll die.
"Lily--" she sobs, "i love you."
"I know," lily says, stroking her cheek. Mary shakes her head again, capturing lily's hand and kissing it. The only tenderness she'll allow herself.
"No," she whispers, "i love you."
Lily smiles at her sadly.
"I know, mary," she says softly. she looks kind, loving, not disgusted or pitying. Still, fear rips through mary, and she stumbles backward.
Lily stands, moving slowly forward, her hands up. "Hey, hey," she says gently."mary, it's ok. it's gonna be ok."
Mary falls into her arms, convulsing with surpressed sobs, and lily strokes her hair tenderly.
"It's gonna be ok," she whispers. She presses a dry kiss to her forehead. Mary sobs all the harder.
~~
Mary smiles when lily walks up the aisle.
She catches herself dreaming that it's her that's waiting for lily at the end of the aisle, that it's her who will be bound to lily until death do they part.
But it’s not her. It’s James.
They look radiant together. They really do. james is grinning crookedly, nervously, down at her, his wife-to-be, and lily is beaming up at him.
They're a picture.
And if mary wipes away a tear. But it’s okay, crying is quite natural at weddings, and no one is the wiser.
~~
Lily is dead. Lily is dead. Lily is dead.
FUCK.
Mary doesn't cry. she feels empty, she feels numb as she watches lily being lowered into the ground, james by her side, she feels as if she, too, is being buried.
She might as well be. She might as well be dead. She might as well be dead.
~~
It takes two weeks for the pain to set in and when it does…
everything crashes down. She howls, a ragged, animal sound, as she falls to her knees, tears at her skin, anything to stop stop stop stop stop stop this pain that is ripping through her, burning burning burning.
She sobs and wails and screams until her voice is gone, and she weeps soundlessly until she passes out on the cold floor. In the morning, she cries some more, and then she gets up and goes about her day.
Lily would have wanted her to.
She has to keep thinking that.
Lily would want her to.
--
Mary will love lily for all of her days. she would rather die than change this.