Chapter 5
DORCAS
She was ashamed to admit it, but Dorcas Meadowes fancied Marlene McKinnon. She was ashamed because not only was she a Gryffindor and a girl, but also because she was one of the most exasperating and conceited people she had ever met.
"WHY DID YOU COME OVER HERE?" Marlene yelled over the loud music "I THOUGHT YOU HATED ME?"
"I don't know" Dorcas replied. Marlene nodded and returned to her dancing. She looked very pretty as she swayed to the beat. At some point she started singing the lyrics to Bowie's "Starman" to Dorcas. Dorcas tried her very best to act nonchalant.
"THERE'S A STARMANNN" Marlene sang, "WAITING IN THE SKYY"
Marlene started to bang her head to the music and she reached for Dorcas' hands. She swung them back and forth. When the song ended Marlene looked down at Dorcas' hands.
"These rings" Marlene fiddled with the rings on the other girls fingers, "They look nice. Where did you get them from?"
"A muggle shop near my house, actually" Dorcas told the blonde.
"Where's your house?" Marlene asked
"Chislehurst" Dorcas answered.
"Chislehurst" Marlene repeated "That does not match your vibe"
"I didn't realise I had a vibe for it to match" Dorcas snickered.
"Of course you do! Dark and gloomy" Marlene smirked, "But in a good way, of course."
"Merlin" Dorcas rolled her eyes, "I am NOT dark and gloomy, you are just too bright and cheerful. In a bad way, too. You're fucking arrogant."
"Is that so? Then I take back what I said, you're dark and gloomy in a bad way" Marlene said, "You probably listen to sad music and wallow in your bed everyday."
"Like that's a bad thing" Dorcas snorted, "You happy people are so insufferable."
"Last time I checked you came over to hang out with me" Marlene smirked, "Not the other way around. So either you're lying or insufferableness is attractive to you."
"I didn't come over for you, thank you, just to dance" Dorcas lied, Marlene was very good at arguing.
"Sure" Marlene chuckled, "You can dance anywhere but you chose to dance next to me."
"For fucks sake, you really think the world revolves around you, huh?" Dorcas laughed "Like I said, insufferable."
"I take pride in my insufferableness" Marlene put a hand to her chest, "It's a difficult job, being the most insufferable person in the room. It must be hard for you too, being the most boring."
Dorcas' mouth dropped. She took a second to let what Marlene just said sink in. Soon after she started laughing. She couldn't stop laughing. Never would Dorcas have thought Marlene McKinnon would call her boring. She said it so smoothly too, Dorcas wanted to praise her on it.
She was contemplating getting on her knees and stopping the party just for her. Just to let everyone know how fucking amazing this girl was. But she wouldn't do that, because Marlene didn't like Dorcas. And Dorcas wasn't supposed to like Marlene.
"Are you okay?" Marlene started to laugh too, watching Dorcas who was close to falling over from how much she was laughing.
Dorcas raised her hand. A few seconds later she stood back up and wiped the tears from her eyes. She was still laughing, but not as hard as she was earlier.
"Okay" Dorcas huffed, "That was good"
Marlene looked very proud of herself. She smiled and looked around the room, hoping someone heard what Dorcas had just said.
"Oh stop it, you big show off" Dorcas punched her arm. Marlene howled in pain, grabbing her arm.
"Fuck" Marlene hissed, "You really have an arm on you. Remind me to never cross you again."
"It's nice to know the power I hold over you now" Dorcas said. Marlene scowled in return.
"Well, I don't care. At least I'm in a good Quidditch team. That's something I can hold over you." Marlene snapped.
"You're kidding. My team, bad?" Dorcas scoffed, "Don't forget who won the Quidditch cup last year, McKinnon."
"I was trying to erase that memory from my mind" Marlene remarked, "I remember it all too well. That little bitch Black caught the snitch before anyone could even score. It was the shortest game of my life"
"That's Regulus for you" Dorcas shrugged.
"You're friends with him?" Marlene asked, "Makes sense I guess, you're on the same team."
"We were friends before he joined the team" Dorcas stated, "We've always been friends."
Marlene looked at Dorcas weirdly. Dorcas knew Marlene was friends with Sirius, so she probably didn't like Regulus. Dorcas knew about the Black Family. Not as much as Pandora knew, but she knew that they were terrible people and both Sirius and Regulus suffer immense pain from them.
But Regulus has said multiple times that Sirius believes he is part of the problem, too. So there would be no surprise that all of Sirius' friends dislike Regulus. Maybe Marlene didn't know that much, she wasn't sure.
"Look, I love Regulus. If you don't like him you can just fuck off and leave me alone" Dorcas snapped.
"Oh" Marlene sighed, "So you fancy him then?"
Oh. Did Dorcas make it seem that way?
"What?" Dorcas choked, "No fucking way, why would you say that?"
"You feel very strongly about this boy" Marlene told her.
Dorcas chuckled a bit. She couldn't tell Marlene this, but it would be impossible for Dorcas and Regulus to be in a relationship, as neither of them were straight.
But she wasn't lying. Dorcas cared very deeply for Regulus. She worries about him. She notices how much he struggles everyday, with everything. Regulus is never a very cheery person, but she can still tell when his days are worse than usual.
"Trust me" Dorcas said, "Never. Going. To. Happen."
"Sure. Whatever you say." Marlene smirked, "You fancy Regulus Black."
"Stop. Seriously, leave it alone." Dorcas snarled, "I'm not fucking joking, McKinnon."
"I dunno..." Marlene trailed off, "Hey, Mary! Do you think Meadowes and Sirius' brother would be a go-"
Dorcas slammed her hand over Marlenes mouth to stop her from finishing that sentence. Marlene's eyes widened in shock, and everyone stopped dancing to watch the two girls.
"Shut the fuck up!" Dorcas growled, "I'm not joking."
Marlene's eyebrows drew together in confusion before she pushed Dorcas off of her.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Marlene spat.
"I told you to drop it" Dorcas said through gritted teeth.
"Bitch" Marlene sighed, walking away.
"No, stop" Dorcas reached for Marlene's arm, "Marlene, I'm sorry. It's just-"
"Don't talk to me" Marlene said over her shoulder. She walked over to Mary MacDonald and Lily Evans. The three girls kept looking over at Dorcas and frowning.
In fact, everyone was staring at Dorcas. She looked around the room and could see everyone's eyes on her.
She couldn't breathe. She kept turning around, but everyone was there; everyone was looking at her. Everyone was judging her. She wanted to scream. She wanted to yell. She wanted to cry. She wanted to be sick.
She couldn't handle it. This was embarrassing. People were starting to whisper amongst each other, giving Dorcas odd glances.
She could see Evan and Barty who were also watching Dorcas closely. Pandora was the only one who moved. She walked steadily over to Dorcas.
"Let's go" Pandora whispered in her ear.
Dorcas nodded and walked through the swarm of students who were dead silent. Dorcas could hear ABBA playing in the background, but no one was dancing to it.
"Excuse me" Pandora said to a boy that was blocking the entrance.
The boy gave the two Slytherin girls a look, and moved out of their way.
"Fucking Slytherins" Someone behind them whispered, "No wonder they don't get invited to anything."
Dorcas stopped. She turned around to see a Hufflepuff girl wearing a top so small it could pass as a bra, and a skirt that hugged her curves.
She glowered at Dorcas. Dorcas wanted to punch her.
"Leave it" Pandora whispered in her ear.
Dorcas turned around and exited the common room. Pandora was right behind her. She gave Dorcas a small smile, and they walked back in silence.
When they made it back to the Slytherin common room Pandora insisted she was tired and headed up to her room.
Dorcas stayed downstairs for a few minutes, hoping that Regulus, Evan, or even Barty could walk through the door and give her some comfort.
She sat still on the couch in front of the fireplace. She could still hear it.
Bitch
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Fucking Slytherins
It must be hard for you too, being the most boring.
Dorcas knew Marlene didn't mean any harm with that comment, but it still wouldn't leave her mind. Her stomach was writhing and she could feel her heartbeat in her throat and her ears.
She couldn't see the room anymore. All she could see was her. Marlene. The look on her face. How angry she looked, how sad. But also how she still looked so fucking pretty even when she was mad.
She could see the eyes. So many eyes. All of them on her. All of them disgusted and angry.
Dorcas couldn't handle it anymore. She stood up and ran. She ran out of the room, she ran out of the castle, she ran to the Quidditch pitch.
She took a broom and mounted it, leaving the ground faster than she had ever done before. She speeded around the pitch, doing lap after lap. She rose higher in the sky to the point she couldn't see the ground. She was so high up, but she liked it. She couldn't see the castle, so she didn't have to think about what happened.
She emptied her thoughts and feelings. Dorcas did this a lot when she was sad. To stop herself from feeling overwhelmed, she just didn't feel. At all. She didn't think of anything but flying, and where she would go.
She had been flying for so long she wasn't even sure where she was. She decided it was best to fly towards the ground. Once she made it past the clouds, she could see that she was still flying over the Forbidden Forest.
She looked around for a safe place to land, and she eventually found a small clearing amidst the mass of trees. She flew towards the grass at a quick pace and jumped off her broom.
"Dorcas?"
Dorcas turned and saw Regulus. He was sitting on something, she couldn't tell what it was, and he was looking right at her. She must have not seen him as she did land quite fast.
"Fancy seeing you here" Dorcas said, "What the fuck are you doing out here?"
"You..." Regulus stuttered, "Didn't come out here to find me?"
"No" Dorcas said, "Should I have been?"
"No" Regulus said.
"Well, I don't really know how I got here, if I'm being honest" She shrugged. Regulus blinked, waiting for her to continue.
"I was mad" Dorcas added, "And stressed. I needed to get out of there."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Regulus asked. Dorcas knew Regulus didn't want to talk about it, but he was being a good friend by asking her despite that.
"No" Dorcas said. She was being honest. She didn't want to remember the night she'd had. She wanted to sit under the stars, with Regulus next to her.
Regulus nodded, he was the only one that wouldn't pester Dorcas to explain. He was easy to be around, you could sit in silence next to him and it would never be awkward.
"Well, come sit" Regulus patted the ground next to him. Dorcas strolled over and sat next to the boy.
She laid back and looked at the sky above her. It was clear. There weren't many stars. The moon was currently a waning crescent, and it looked quite beautiful. If you looked close enough, you could see the different colours of the moon.
Regulus laid down next to her. They laid there, together, for a long time.
"Do you think we should head back?" Dorcas asked. She was getting tired and it was probably extremely late now.
"No" Regulus replied, "You can, but I think I'll stay."
"Reg..." Dorcas sighed, "It's cold. You look like you're going to fall asleep. Come on, I can ride us back to the castle."
"No." Regulus said once more.
Dorcas sighed, and casted a warming charm over herself. She adjusted herself on the ground, and closed her eyes.
***
SIRIUS
"Where the fuck is Prongs?" Sirius slurred. He was looking around the room frantically searching for his friend.
"Calm down" Remus whispered. Sirius could feel Remus place his hand on his shoulder.
"Where is he?" Sirius turned to look at Remus, who was awfully close to him. His brown eyes were sleepy and fixated on Sirius.
"Sirius" Remus said. Remus' eyes were slowly moving over the other boys face. Sirius couldn't handle the way he looked at him. He couldn't handle the way he said his name. It sent shivers down his spine.
Remus continued to look at Sirius with glistening eyes. Remus Lupin was beautiful.
"Moony" Sirius said, "Where is James?"
"Why don't we look for him?" Remus said, "Assuming he isn't in this room."
Sirius scanned the vast horde of drunk teenagers for a certain Gryffindor.
"Not that I can see" Sirius replied, "Shall we?"
Sirius held his hand out, waiting for Remus to take it. He did so hesitantly, and Sirius led him through the room.
"You go first" Sirius said once they had reached the entrance. Remus crawled through the tunnel, he was extremely tall so he was struggling to stay upright. Sirius didn't have this problem, he was shorter than Remus.
Once the two boys made it out of the tunnel and the entrance closed over they were engulfed in silence.
"Well..." Remus swayed back and forth on his feet, "Where should we head?"
"South wing maybe?" Sirius asked, "Then astronomy?"
Remus nodded. They headed down the dark corridor, Remus in the lead.
***
"Prongs!" Sirius yelled down an empty hallway, "For fucks sake, where is he?"
"Sirius, keep your voice down!" Remus hissed.
"PRONGS!" Sirius yelled even louder. He turned to Remus, a big grin on his face.
"Merlin" Remus rolled his eyes, "You're so infuriating sometimes, Pads."
"You love that about me" Sirius poked his tongue out at Remus. Remus bit his lip to stop himself from laughing, which made him look so fucking hot, Sirius couldn't handle it.
"I do not." Remus finally breathed. He was leaning against the wall, hands in his pockets. He seemed very detached from the situation by the way he was focusing on anything but the task at hand.
"Are you going to help, Moons?" Sirius said. Remus stared at Sirius for a few seconds before shrugging and pulling a cigarette from his pocket.
"I don't think he's here" Remus said before lighting it and taking a puff. Sirius strolled over, hoping Remus would share with him. The light from the cigarette made Remus look angelic, it added to his already large amount of beauty. Sirius was sick of how Remus made him feel. He didn't even seem like he was purposely making Sirius feel like this, which made him feel even worse.
Sirius thought a lot about Remus. He thought about how he thinks of Remus differently than he would to James or Peter, but he supposes this doesn't mean anything. He thought about Remus' hands, his collarbone, his neck, his face, his everything. Sometimes, he wondered what Remus would look like naked. More than sometimes. He has technically seen him without clothes on during the Moon, but Sirius always tries his best to make sure Remus has privacy so he feels as comfortable as possible. This means Sirius must avoid taking small glances. But it's okay, he would do that for Remus.
These thoughts were normal. Everyone had these thoughts about their friends, Sirius was sure. It didn't mean anything.
Remus removed the cigarette from his mouth and gave it to Sirius, who also took a puff. Sirius could feel Remus' eyes on him, but he couldn't look up. He was scared that if he did look up, he wouldn't be able to hold it in. He would have kissed his friend.
"He might be in the Astronomy Tower" Remus mumbled after a while. Sirius finally looked up at Remus, who was looking at the window behind them. The light from the moon was present in his eyes, and Sirius couldn't look away. Remus' eyes were beautiful.
Sirius knew Remus liked guys, he admitted this to the group last year on his birthday. They were all drunk, and he just blurted it out. He said he hooked up with a guy over the Christmas holidays, and that he has a few crushes on male students at the school. Of course, nobody minded. But ever since, Sirius has wondered whether Remus found him attractive. Sirius doesn't think he does, Remus said himself that he found older men attractive, probably for the experience. Sirius was not experienced with men.
Obviously he has had sex before, but only with girls. He had a small relationship with Mary last year, and he has slept with a countless number of girls.
So Remus wouldn't like Sirius, he considers him a friend, nothing more.
"Sirius?" Remus asked, causing the black-haired boy to look up, "Should we go to the Astronomy Tower?"
"Er-" Sirius was trying his best to understand what Remus meant. Why did he want to go to the Astronomy Tower? "Uh- yes. Astronomy Tower."
Remus gave him a look before turning around and heading down the corridor. Remus' legs were a lot longer than Sirius' so he was struggling to keep up with him.
"Moons! Wait!" Sirius breathed heavily, "Why are we going to the Astronomy Tower?"
"To look for James" Remus answered, "Why else would we be going there?"
Sirius swallowed, he was still out of breath. He was stupid for thinking Remus wanted to go to the Astronomy Tower so they could... no. It was too stupid, why would Remus want to do that?
"Oh, right, of course" Sirius finally replied. Remus furrowed his brows at Sirius, looking between his two pupils. Sirius was frozen, the way Remus was looking at Sirius made Sirius want to kiss the boy. He supposed he always wanted to kiss Remus, so it wasn't a massive surprise.
Remus turned around and kept walking, he was moving quite fast.
"Slow down! Fuck!" Sirius yelled, he just turned a corner and Remus was already at the end of the corridor.
Remus groaned and stopped at the end of the corridor, waiting for Sirius.
"You're the one that's so insistent on finding James" Remus spat.
"Okay, why the fuck are you so mad?" Sirius asked, "You've been acting like an asshole for pretty much the whole night!"
"I- I'm sorry" Remus whispered, "I don't mean it, I swear. I'm just tired. I'm sorry."
"It's fine" Sirius replied, now it was his turn to lead the way. They were close to the steps leading to the Astronomy Tower, so he slowed down.
"We're so fucking stupid" Remus sighed right before Sirius was going to climb the stairs.
"We're always stupid, why the need for clarification?" Sirius turned to Remus.
"Why didn't we just use the map?" Remus asked.
"Prongs has it" Sirius said.
"Oh, nevermind then. I suppose we're not stupid"
"We still are."
"Only you."
"Hey!"
"It's true."
"Nerd."
Remus rolled his eyes as the two boys made their way up the staircase. Once they reached the top, they were heavily disappointed when James wasn't there.
"Shit." Remus groaned.
"Hang on" Sirius dug in his pocket for the two-way mirror. Remus looked at it weirdly.
"Psst! James!" Sirius yelled at the mirror. Remus continued to look extremely confused.
"Um, what the fuck are you-" Remus started.
"Hey! Hey! Sorry!" James appeared in the mirror, he was sweaty and his whereabouts were unknown.
"Where are you?" Sirius hissed.
"Forest" James replied. Sirius nodded. Remus shuffled closer to him and was peering over his shoulder.
"Hey Moony!" James smiled.
"What the bloody hell is this?" Remus yelled. He yanked the mirror from Sirius' hand and examined it carefully.
"You never knew?" Sirius asked Remus, "I figured Prongs told you."
"I thought you told him!" James said through the mirror.
“No.” Sirius replied.
“Is anyone going to answer me?” Remus asked, still extremely confused.
“Oh, It’s a two-way mirror. When I say James, it like connects to him, you know? We use it for detentions and stuff.” Sirius shrugged.
“And you didn’t think to use this before we walked around aimlessly for half an hour?” Remus said.
“I suppose it slipped my mind” Sirius answered.
“Perfect.” Remus shook his head. “How long have you two had this?”
"Last year, around Christmas." Sirius answered.
"Huh. I wonder why I've never seen either of you use it." Remus handed the mirror back to Sirius.
"We don't much, it would probably be confiscated." James said.
"Why? It's not like it's illegal" Remus said.
"Filch the bastard would take it anyways" Sirius said.
"I still don't get how you did it."
"We altered the Protean charm, tried to make it work" James said.
"Is that why you were asking me to teach you how to cast the Protean charm?" Remus asked Sirius.
"Of course, we couldn't have done it without you, Moony" Sirius said.
"Moony, our hero!" James said "I'll be back soon lads, where are you?"
"Astronomy Tower" Sirius replied, "Be fast, Moony's a bit grumpy!"
"When is he not" James chuckled.
"Fuck you" Remus spat, "Both of you!"
The two boys snickered in return.
"I can see Hagrid's hut, so I must be close." James told the two boys, "I'll see you two soon."
Soon after that, the mirror went back to normal and showed the reflection of Sirius, Remus over his shoulder.
"I'm so tired" Remus groaned, slumping down on the floor. Sirius was currently kneeling down in the centre of the room, still looking at the mirror in his hands.
"Pads?" Remus asked. Sirius turned to look at the boy that was now lying on the floor. His head was turned in his direction.
"Why do you think he was in the forest?" Sirius asked.
"I don't know" Remus replied, "I don't even remember seeing him leave."
Sirius stood up and walked over to where Remus was lying down. He sat on the floor next to him, hugging his knees to his chest.
"You okay?" Remus asked.
"Why did he leave?" Sirius asked, "Why didn't he ask us? It's weird."
"I seriously think it's nothing. He looked pretty pissed when he was with Marlene." Remus said.
"Wait- with? James and Marlene? Together?" Sirius asked, "Why didn't I see that happen?"
"They didn't kiss you twat" Remus sat up next to Sirius to slap him on the back of his head. Sirius yelped and rubbed the spot for several seconds before looking over to grin at Remus.
"What did they do then?" Sirius smirked.
"Stop! You're so fucking stupid! They didn't hookup, period. Nothing happened. They just danced. Platonically. Fuck, you're so dumb it's annoying." Remus snapped.
"You made it seem like something happened." Sirius scowled.
"I didn't! All I said was he was 'with' her. That doesn't mean anything!" Remus defended.
"Okay, okay" Sirius held his hands up
in defence, "What's the big deal? You fancy Marlene or something?"
"Fuck" Remus chuckled, "No. No. I don't like Marlene. I just don't want you to go around saying those two were hooking up when they weren't."
"Noted. I won't say anything." Sirius said. Remus squinted his eyes.
"Because nothing happened" Sirius added. Remus nodded.
"But, like do you fancy a girl?" Sirius asked, "Or guy?"
"No" Remus was blushing now.
"You do!" Sirius laughed, pointing at his friend, "Oh, you so do!"
"Shut up!" Remus looked so red he could've been mistaken for a tomato.
"Do you even like girls? Or are you, like, full gay?" Sirius questioned.
"What the fuck is 'full gay'?" Remus barked, "That’s not a thing. Do you mean bisexual and gay?”
"Yeah, that" Sirius said. Remus snorted
"I dunno" Remus sighed, "I mean, I guess I'm attracted to girls, but definitely not as much as men. I don't really know what I am."
Sirius hummed in response. He laid back on the wooden floor, grabbing Remus' arm and pulling him down as well.
"Do you think loads of people in the school are too?" Sirius turned to ask Remus. Remus was looking at the roof.
"Definitely." He replied.
"Who do you think?" Sirius asked his friend, "Any of our friends?"
"I don't know" Remus answered.
"Surely you have some kind of idea" Sirius prodded.
"Marlene" Remus said, "I think."
"Marlene?" Sirius laughed, "No way."
"Well, you were the one that asked" Remus said, "Who do you think is queer?"
"I was thinking Evans" Sirius said. Remus blinked awkwardly.
"Okay" Remus said, "Why's that?"
"I don't know, really. I suppose not, she definitely has the hots for James." Sirius said.
Remus was silent. The silence between them was never awkward, it was peaceful. It was like they both needed it, they both needed to find some tranquility, and this was where they would get it.
Sirius liked that. He and James were rarely silent, so Sirius never had time to analyse if it felt the same. However, with Peter, it was awkward, Sirius always tried to break the silence. He obviously liked talking to Remus, but he liked not talking, too. It was nice. They just existed, but they existed together.
Sirius wanted to hold his hand, or hug him, but he knew Remus wouldn't like that. James wouldn't care, but Remus is a little less touchy than James. A lot less.
Sirius turned to look at Remus and almost fainted. Remus was asleep. He looked beautiful. Remus was the only one who didn't snore, which annoyed him, he constantly droned about how he could never sleep with everyone's constant snoring.
Sirius was beginning to feel tired, too. James would be there soon, so at least they wouldn't wake up with a massive body ache. He made himself comfortable and closed his eyes. He thought about lots of things.
***
REMUS
"I wish I could take a photo of you two right now"
Remus could hear snickering, but all he could feel was pain. His back was aching, his neck was strained, and something was on top of his arm so it was numb. He could smell something familiar. Cigarettes, leather, and damp grass. It smelt like Sirius.
Remus slowly opened his eyes, and then understood why he could smell Sirius.
He was currently lying, asleep, on Remus' arm. His back was facing Remus, and somehow, there was a blanket over the two of them. They were quite close so Remus inched away. He carefully pulled his arm out from under Sirius.
They must have fallen asleep, Remus figured James or Sirius would've woken him up before morning, but clearly not. The sun was rising and Remus was very surprised Sirius was not awake as he was facing the bright light.
"Good morning" James chuckled. Remus looked over to see James leaning against the railing.
"James? Why is it morning? I thought..." Remus trailed off.
"I stopped by the kitchens on my way over, I was hoping we could have a feast. When I got here the two of you were knocked out cold. I tried waking you guys but Sirius hit me and you wouldn't wake up."
"So you got the blanket?" Remus asked.
"I couldn't let you freeze to death, I love you too much." James smiled at Remus. Remus smiled back.
Remus tried to get up but his back was in too much pain.
"Fuck" Remus groaned, "I really wish you tried harder."
"I did, I swear" James laughed, "You two looked really cute, so I decided to leave you there."
"Thanks Potter" Remus scowled. He finally got to his feet.
"What's the time?"
"A bit after 6, I think?" James said, "Why don't you get Pads and head up to the dorm?"
"I think we need to" Remus said, "Do you have practice?"
"Tomorrow" James said "So Sirius can sleep all day."
Remus walked around to look at Sirius. He was sleeping quite peacefully, despite his friends' lack of staying quiet.
He kicked at his leg lightly, trying to get him to wake up.
"Sirius" Remus said. He knelt down in front of the boy, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him back and forth.
"Sirius" Remus said again. Sirius opened his eyes slightly, and brought a hand up to cover them from the sun.
"Fuck, that hurts" Sirius groaned, pushing himself up. He rubbed his arms and back in pain.
"Morning" James said, standing up and nearing the boy.
"Shit, Prongs! You let us stay sleeping here! I trusted you to wake us up!" Sirius snapped.
"I tried to" James moaned, "You slapped me. At least be grateful I got you a blanket!”
"Thanks" Sirius snarled.
"Come on" Remus grabbed Sirius' arm and pulled him to his feet, "Let's go back to the dorm."
"Let's get away from that lunatic" Sirius whispered in Remus' ear.
"You need to work on your whispers, Pads. I heard that loud and clear." James drawled.
"I meant for it to be heard" Sirius said in a matter-of-fact tone.
"You coming, Prongs?" Remus asked James.
"Nah, you two go" James said, "I'll grab some breakfast."
Remus nodded and lead Sirius down the stairs. Sirius was leaning into Remus, his head was on his shoulder. Remus embraced the warmth of the boy next to him, Sirius was like a furnace.
"Watch your step" Remus whispered in his ear as Sirius was about to trip down the stairs.
"Thanks Moony" Sirius slurred, "Fuck, I'm so tired."
"Come on, then" Remus nudged him, "Let's get to the dorm."
"Mhmm" Sirius mumbled, "How far?"
"Not far" Remus said, "Just a little further."
A minute or so later, they reached the portrait hole. They clambered through the entrance, making a beeline for the stairs to the boy's dormitories. There were several people in the common room, reading and studying, but most people were still asleep.
"Sirius" Remus said. Sirius was snoring now, his entire bodyweight on Remus.
"Fuck" Remus groaned. He grabbed Sirius' arm and placed it over his shoulder. Sirius was so close to Remus he could barely think. His smell and his warmth was invading his sanity. He couldn't think straight.
Remus struggled up the stairs, he was contemplating carrying Sirius marriage-style, but he figured he would get some strange looks if he did.
He finally reached the final step and fell through the door to the dormitory. Both Remus and Sirius hit the floor with a thud. Remus wanted to get up, he was in immense pain, but he couldn't gather the energy to lift himself from the ground.
An unusual sound escaped Sirius' mouth. He flailed frantically, still somewhat asleep. Remus decided to get up and see what was going on.
"Pete?" Remus asked. He was met with silence.
Remus got to his feet and saw Sirius writhing on the hardwood floor, haphazardly whispering words Remus couldn't make out.
"Here" Sirius whispered, "No! Stop! No!"
"Pads?" Remus was kneeling next to Sirius now, hesitantly touching his shoulder.
"No! Leave! Reg..." Sirius cried, "Regulus"
Remus was confused. He must be having a nightmare, he gets those a lot.
"Sirius" Remus breathed. Sirius shook his head, eyes still closed. He mouthed words frantically. Remus wished he could lip-read.
"Sirius! Wake up!" Remus yelled. He was getting worried now. Sirius was sobbing and yelling uncontrollably.
"Let him go!" Sirius yelled, "Go! Reg! Leave! I'll stay!"
"SIRIUS!" Remus yelled, shaking him awake. Sirius woke with a loud gasp. He sat up instantly, looking around at his surroundings. His breathing began to slow, and he turned back to Remus, whose heart was breaking. There were tears in Sirius' eyes, and he looked so scared. So scared.
"Moony" Sirius gulped, "Moony."
He smiled as another tear rolled down his cheek. Remus wanted to cry, but he couldn't do that. Not when Sirius needed him.
"Sirius" Remus breathed, "Sirius. It's okay. I'm here."
"You're here." Sirius repeated. He lunged forward into Remus, wrapping his arms around the other boys chest.
"I'm here" Remus said into Sirius' hair. His hand came up to comb the others long, black hair.
They both adjusted their bodies so Sirius was lying in Remus' lap, head laying in the crook of his neck. Remus' hand never left Sirius' hair.
They sat like that, in complete silence, for a long time.
"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Remus asked.
"I-" Sirius faltered. His voice cracked as he tried to get the words out, but it was impossible.
"It's okay. You have time. You don't have to say anything." Remus said in a hushed tone. Sirius nodded against Remus' chest.
"I'm sorry" Sirius sniffed.
"Don't be like that. You have nothing to be sorry about." Remus said. Sirius didn't answer, he just leaned further into Remus.
"Sirius." Remus sighed, "I'm not lying. None of this, everything that's happened. None of it is your fault. I know you don't believe it, I don't know if me saying this will do anything, but I need you to accept it. This isn't on you."
"No" Sirius cried into Remus' neck, "It is. If I-"
Sirius sobbed. Remus' sweater was now a mess of tears and boogers.
"I wish I could be more like you." Sirius finished.
"What do you mean?" Remus said.
"I mean, I want your calm nature. The way you let nothing get to you. You've dealt with a lot of shit, but you never break down like this." Sirius told him.
"Oh, Sirius" Remus croaked, "No. That is different. Trust me. You- what you have to deal with is different."
"But, either way, I could've stopped it. If I was more like you. They wouldn't have hurt me. They wouldn't have hurt Reg. I'm the problem. It's always me." Sirius whimpered.
"No." Remus moved back from Sirius so he could look at him. He grasped his face and brought it upwards so they were eye-to-eye.
"Yes" Sirius leant into Remus' cheek.
"No. That is not why they-" Remus swallowed.
Sirius closed his eyes. Remus could feel his small breaths against his hand.
"They do that to you because they're not good people. It's not because of anything you did. I know it. James knows it. Regulus knows it. None of us blame you. So you shouldn't either." Remus assured him.
"I think that's my problem" Sirius said, "I blame myself."
"I know you do. I know. But you need to remember that there are people who love you." Remus said intricately.
Sirius snorted. "Like who?"
"Me." Remus said, "James. Peter. And you might not believe me, but Regulus."
"He doesn't." Sirius spat.
"He does. He cares for you. I know he does." Remus told him.
"How? How do you know that? You've never talked to him. You don't know what he's like" Sirius said.
"I have talked to him. I know that he cares for you. He doesn't show it very well, but he does nonetheless." Remus said. Sirius nodded. He pushed himself up off the floor and sat on his bed.
"I love him" Sirius murmured, "I love Reg. I like helping him. I like knowing he needs me. But I don't think he does anymore."
"You don't think he loves you or you don't think he needs you?" Remus stood as well, making his way towards Sirius.
"He doesn't need me. Not anymore." Sirius looked at his lap.
"I think everyone needs someone like you in their life, Pads" Remus told him. Sirius shook his head.
"No. You're getting me mixed up with James. Everyone needs a James. No one needs me. No one wants to have someone like me. Someone that comes in and breaks everything you hold most dear." Sirius sniffed.
"You don't do that. You made me feel normal when nobody else did" Remus sat next to Sirius, "You treated me like I deserved a good life. You treat me like I'm something special. I don't know what I would've done without you."
"You are special Moony" Sirius looked up to smile at him, "So special."
"You're special too, Pads" Remus said. His hand was lightly touching Sirius' back, moving in small circles.
"I don't think I could survive without you, Moony. I need you." Sirius breathed, "I need you."
That wasn't true. Nobody would ever need Remus. He didn't help anyone. He didn't make anything better. James; that's what Sirius needed. Nothing more, nothing less.
"You don't need me." Remus replied, "And don't even try to argue with me. Don't lie. Just don't."
"Moony" Sirius cried, "Now you need the lecture. You have to stop saying this shit to yourself. Stop doubting the effect you have on people. You seriously think the three of us could've gotten away with anything without your brain? You always come up with the best pranks, you always help us with schoolwork, you're always there for us when we need it. Not always to lecture us, but to just let us know you're there and we're not alone."
Remus blushed. No one had ever said that about him, ever. He had never felt appreciated in his life, he still doesn't, but what Sirius is saying is making him feel slightly better. Like he might actually be worth something.
"Thanks Pads" Remus said, "Now go to sleep."
Remus stood up and walked over to his bed, flopping down on the mattress.
"Goodnight Moony" Sirius called out from under his covers. Remus chuckled to himself.
***
"Remus!"
Remus was sitting in the library, reading and searching for books on banishing charms, a particular spell he still couldn't master.
Remus turned towards the voice and smiled when he saw Lily Evans, a massive grin on her face.
"Fancy seeing you here" She said, sitting in the chair next to him.
"What do you mean? There's nowhere else you could find me" Remus snorted.
"I know, I figured you'd be here since you weren't in the common room or in your dorm" Lily said.
"Why were you trying to find me?" Remus asked.
"I wanted to talk to you." Lily lowered her voice, "About, you know, Mary."
"Ah" Remus nodded, "What about Mary?"
"I need help. I can't stop thinking about her. Everyday, every night, all I can think about is her. I want to touch her and kiss her, but I can't and I think I'm going crazy" Lily blurted.
Remus understood. He felt the exact same about Sirius. It was becoming very disruptive.
"Okay." Remus said, "Do you want me to give you tips or do you just want to rant?"
"I don't know" Lily groaned, pulling at her hair.
"Okay, okay. Why don't you just tell me about her. It might help, letting all these bottled up emotions out." Remus said.
"Okay. Um, here goes. Yesterday was odd. I had a shower before the party, right? Once I got out we were both kind of just standing there. Staring at each other. And then she pulled out a dress and told me to put it on because I looked good in it. Obviously I did since she liked how it looked on me, and then she zipped the dress up and I-" Lily stopped. Remus was laughing.
"Sorry, sorry" Remus giggled, "Continue."
"Wow. Thanks. Anyways," Lily continued, "When she zipped it up she touched my back for a second and it was so weird I could feel her stop breathing for a second. And then Marls came out so it was a little awkward."
"I seriously believe you're thinking too much about a small interaction. I don't blame you, we all do, but I wouldn't let that be the reason you believe Mary is a lesbian and likes you back." Remus said.
"I know, it's silly." Lily moaned.
"It's just the way it is. Straight people. They always make you think they're in love with you." Remus sighed.
"Fucking heterosexuals" Lily shook her head.
"Right" Remus laughed.
"What are you two doing?" A voice said from behind them. They both turned to see Mary with Sirius. What a fucking coincidence.
"Talking about you" Lily whispered in Remus' ear. Sirius raised his brow.
"I didn't quite catch that, Red" He remarked. Lily smirked.
"Nothing" She shrugged, "We're just reading."
"Together?" Mary butted in, "The same book?"
"Yes" Lily looked back at Remus, blushing fiercely.
"What are you reading?" Sirius said, walking over to pick up Remus' book. Remus snatched it back from him.
"The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, now butt out" Remus snapped, shooing them away.
"No, I would like to read it as well, thanks" Sirius grinned. He took the book back and opened it to the first page.
"You don't know about me, without you have read a book by the name of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer; but that ain't no matter" Sirius said, putting on a Western accent.
"Stop that!" Remus spat, slapping his hand and taking the book back a second time. Lily and Mary were chuckling behind them.
"I like it" Sirius said, "Can you read it to me, Moony? I'd like hearing you speak in an accent"
Remus' mouth fell open, he didn't know what to say. Both girls continued laughing behind them but Sirius didn't seem to find it funny. He kept staring at Remus intently.
"Um" Remus shuddered, "No. You'll give me shit for it."
"Aw, Moony! I could never give you shit for anything." Sirius blinked slowly up at Remus. He was holding his hand, tracing lines around his palm. Remus couldn't think or talk.
"You do. Every day." Remus finally said.
"I'm only joking, I don't actually mean it" Sirius continued to trace lines on his hand. Remus was physically sick.
"What are you doing here, Pads?" Remus asked.
"Random" Sirius said, "But I'm here to see you, of course!"
"He isn't lying. He was being very annoying about it, actually. But he managed to drag me along." Mary shrugged. Remus turned and saw Lily in a trance, looking at Mary. Since Remus had turned away from him, Sirius moved around so he was once again in view.
"Nice to know you wanted to see me Pads, but I really want to read" Remus told him, "and you're not being very helpful."
"Hey! I am being helpful thank you!" Sirius placed his hands on his hips.
"No, you're not. You're talking loudly and I can't focus." Remus snapped.
"Aww, I make you lose concentration, do I?" Sirius grinned, "I didn't realise I had that affect on you"
"You know that's not what I mean." Remus said.
Lily and Mary were giggling, whispering between the two of them.
"Now what are you two ladies talking about?" Sirius turned to the girls, who instantly stopped laughing.
"Nothing" Lily shrugged. She was red in the face and looked very flustered.
"Look, I'm getting nowhere here. I think I'm just going to head back to the common room." Remus sighed, getting up from the table and making his way towards the exit.
"I'll come with you Remus" Lily called out, running after him. Once she had caught up she intertwined their arms and placed her head on his shoulder.
"What about us?" Sirius yelled. Remus and Lily laughed to each other and kept walking.
***
"I'm telling you, you would love Jane Austen" Lily was telling Remus. She was currently reading Sense and Sensibility, and would not stop telling Remus everything that was happening in it.
They were sitting together on a couch in the common room. No one was in there except them, the fire crackling was the only thing you could hear.
"I dunno" Remus sighed, "It doesn't seem like my kind of thing."
"Romance?" Lily questioned, "Or heterosexual romance?"
"What homosexual romance novels have you heard of? I sure haven't heard of any." Remus snorted.
"True. The Picture of Dorian Gray is a little gay I guess" Lily suggested.
"Seriously? I've never heard of someone straighter than that man." Remus scoffed.
"Hm. I don't know. He seemed very gay, he just had internalised homophobia." Lily said.
"I disagree." Remus shook his head and continued reading his book. Lily laughed quietly and returned to hers, as well.
"Well, well, well" A familiar voice said.
"Oh for fucks sake" Lily groaned, turning around and glaring at Sirius and Mary who were standing in the portrait hole.
Remus didn't even bother looking around, he stayed looking at the page filled with words, despite being unable to understand any of them in that moment. He could hear Sirius approach, even though he was clearly trying to not make a noise. Remus moved out of the way just before Sirius attempted to slap him on the back of his head. Sirius stumbled forward, quickly adjusting himself. Lily and Mary barked of laughter.
"You bastard!" Sirius cried, "You should've let me have it!"
"I should've allowed you to slap me when I was fully aware you were intending to do so. Do you really expect me to just sit back and take straight up abuse?" Remus was still looking down at his book. Under no circumstance would he look up at the boy.
"Oh now you're just being dramatic" Sirius scoffed.
"Must be because I've been spending too much time with you" Remus replied. Remus could feel Sirius' mouth fall wide open. He knew how he would react, so predictable.
"Excuse me?!" Sirius barked out. Remus continued reading. No matter how hard it was, he wouldn't take his eyes off the page. The more he looked at it, the more agitated Sirius became. Remus liked that.
"Hello? Are you just going to ignore me?" Sirius was leaning over the couch, trying to catch Remus' attention.
"Did you forget about the people who are with us, Pads?" Remus asked. Remus could see him scowl out of the corner of his eye.
"Yeah, this is getting a bit awkward" Lily said. She was still sitting next to Remus, but she positioned herself so she could witness their bickering.
"I agree with Lils" Mary said.
"I agree with you too" Remus added. Mary snorted.
"It's not just Sirius that's making it awkward Remus..." Lily whispered "You're clearly trying to avoid looking at him."
"Exactly" Sirius smirked, "Look up Moony."
"No. I just want some fucking peace and quiet, is that too much to ask for?" Remus threw his hands up in the air. He was getting extremely annoyed.
"Yes! It is too much to ask because I am bored and no one is here except you and these two and I would much rather hangout with you." Sirius said, "No offence you guys."
Mary and Lily looked taken aback, but not surprised. Remus finally stood up from his seat and looked Sirius in the eye.
"I would much rather hangout with none of you. I don't feel like dealing with you right now Sirius. Please, just leave me alone. Please. I need to be alone right now." Remus snapped, "Only Lily is allowed upstairs."
Lily gave Remus a small smile, then proceeded to poke her tongue out at Mary and Sirius.
"But Lily" Remus said, "Give me at least 15 minutes, okay? I need to calm down."
"Take as long as you need, love" Lily gave Remus another sweet smile. Remus tried his best to not hug her and tell her how much he loved her.
Sirius was looking between Remus and Lily with an odd expression on his face. It was ironic, really, that Sirius had a problem with Remus' friendship with Lily.
Remus didn't dwell on it, he walked up the stairs and entered his dormitory. The first thing he did was have a short shower to help him forget everything. He wanted to forget his thoughts and his emotions. He wanted to get rid of himself. He wanted to be nothing, to not exist, to merely be a collection of atoms that serve no purpose but to sleep and do nothing.
He didn't want to feel like this anymore. He was sick of it. Sometimes he would do things to himself, sometimes he didn't have the energy to even reach for the knife.
Sometimes he had thoughts. Bad thoughts. Thoughts telling him he would be better off dead, that everyone would be happier and safer. No one would have to deal with his shit if he just sucked it up and killed himself. He wished he could pluck up the courage to do it.
He's gotten close. Many times. But something, or maybe it was someone, was always holding him back. At the back of his head, he could hear something. Feel something. Remus knew it was him.
Remus Lupin did not want to live, but he did anyways, all for Sirius Black, because Remus Lupin would do anything for Sirius Black.