Solitarius Lupus

26. October 2016

Halloween was nearing and Hogwarts was in turmoil. Most students had stayed over the autumn holidays to not miss the legendary Halloween at Hogwarts. Everywhere were students levitating spider-nets into inaccessible corners, decorating the walls with paper skeletons and slimy green mass. Everything was normal until some Marauders had decided to trick the ghosts into yodelling the spooky scary skeletons song. Minerva McGonagall couldn’t be more disappointed in her students, after she had to contain her laughter of course. She was an authority figure; she did absolutely not support such actions. But as long as she couldn’t prove the guilt of certain four students, her hands were bound. Truly a tragedy.

All in all, Minerva was very content right in this moment. She was standing next to Mr. Filch as he tried, with an emphasis on tried, to lecture the notorious and mischievous poltergeist Peeves, who just wouldn’t stop singing this god-awful song. In the distance she could hear the giggles of four boys and had to supress a small smile.

Minerva’s gaze wandered around the stone corridor as she saw a pair of honey-brown eyes. The honey-brown eyes that she knew so well.
Madam Pomfrey passed them as she was headed to an injured student in Greenhouse 3 but if her step faltered for a second as she cast a small smile to Minerva McGonagall, nobody had to know.
And if Minerva returned this, it was nobody’s business.

31. October 2016

Ever since Francis Chopper’s dare back in 1889 Hogwarts had the tradition to organise a sort of draw for the teachers to decide their costume for the yearly Halloween feast.
The draw was held at breakfast with the whole student body to watch. It was a quite absurd matter, but it held up the holiday spirit and brought a bit of colour into the monotone school-life. The headmaster always made a big thing out of it, as if their careers would hang at this opportunity to dress up as some muggle figures and entertain the students.

This year’s draw certainly wasn’t disappointing. Professor McGonagall, much to her dismay, would appear as Garfield, Professor Slughorn had been given Homer Simpson, Professor Flitwick was to come as one of the seven dwarfs, Madam Pomfrey was ordered to go as Mrs. Doubtfire and Professor Binns would come as Ebenezer Scrooge. Finally, Professor Dumbledore would go as Shrek.
Remus positively sure that this would be hilarious.

“So, lads. As what are you going?”, James asked over the table.

“I’m going as Dorian Gray.”, Sirius replied proudly.

“Who is that?”

“You don’t know who Dorian Gray is? You just be having a laugh!

“No. I’m not, who is that?”

Deciding to interfere Remus quickly summarized the book for James. It was a shame that most wizards and witches didn’t know the muggle-classics, some of them are really good. The Picture of Dorian Gray was one of them. If you could look past the period-typical misogyny and brief racism. Despite that the storyline is actually fascinating and the thoughts are pretty well written-down. Of course, Lord Henrys side-long monologues were a bit one-sided but mostly captivating. Remus had read it not too long ago. His copy was in German, and he even brought it to Hogwarts.

“Well, I’m going as Hiccup from How to Train your Dragon”, Peter proclaimed

“And what is that now?”, the question came from both Sirius and James.

Now Remus felt a little bit insulted. This was one of the greatest cinematic movies of all time! Even Remus, having grown up in an orphanage, knew it! How did anyone not know this? They were so going to watch it. And if they had to break into the muggle-studies room, they would do it.

“Excuse you? It is a cinematic masterpiece. And thank you Peter, you have an immaculate taste in movies.”

For the rest of the day Remus saw how Peters eyes lit up every time they would fall onto Remus. He knew that all too well. Remus had suspected for a longer time that Peter was somehow neglected in his family. He would always be very shy and practically glow when given the slightest bit of attention. Remus just thought that whatever happened to him or still happens that Peter didn’t deserve this.
This applied to Sirius as well. He hadn’t forgotten about the night where Sirius showed him his scars. But they hadn’t talked about it either. Remus just couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something very wrong about the way his friend flinches at loud noises, the way he would get pale in Charms at the mere mention of some spells and the way his hand shook after James jokingly proclaimed that he despised him.
And then there was James. James Potter who would get letters and presents from his parents almost every week. James who was outwardly always happy and careless but whose eyes would get strangely glazed over as soon as he was left alone. James who practically craved being near at least one of them at all times. The golden boy who had the biggest fear of loneliness.

It just occurred to Remus that he in fact didn’t have a costume after James loudly announced his outfit as Quicksilver. It was quite ironic that James had never seen How to Train your Dragon but was a big Marvel fan. Neverless was Remus in a big crisis on what to wear. He simply didn’t have the money for it. With a dead father and a runaway mother there wasn’t much for him to inherit except for that useless key that his father had left him. Maybe he could go as Lord of the Keys?

Remus sat moping around in the library for quite some time now. He had discovered it not long after his arrival and was fascinated from the variety of books that could be found in there. It stretched from books of the first gnome war to fantasy books written by wizards and witches. It was fascinating to read these fantasy books as they were written from someone who had real experience in a word of wonder and mystery. Remus had always been a fan of fictional books; it was like an escape from reality. He could lose himself in them for hours and hours to end. One time he was a thief in the streets of Os Kervo or a bar boy discovering a forbidden gate to his homeland. After that Remus was much less impressed by the many non-fiction books about the cataloguing of magical plants and the guides on how to recognise a shapeshifter. He especially stayed away from anything werewolf related.

“Hullo Remus. Why so gutted?”

Remus startled out of his thoughts at Peters sudden appearance next to him.

“Uh, what does gutt- gutting mean?”

From all that Remus’ father had thought him he couldn’t figure out what that meant. He knew that guts were his entrails and so gutted would mean that his stomach was cut open and his organs would be out in the open. No, that was disembowelment, one of his favourite words. It sounded very harmonic and cool.

Peter gave him a strange look but then seemed to remember that Remus was not a native English speaker and probably didn’t know many words in British Slang.

“It means something like devastated. I just wanted to ask you if everything’s alright because it somehow doesn’t look like it at all. Sorry if that was offensive and stuff but- “

“It’s okay Pete. I just don’t have a costume for tonight, that’s all.”

There was a short pause before Peter spoke again: “I think I have a second one, if you want to borrow that.”

“That would be grand Peter! What kind of costume though?”

There are moments in your life where you just have to turn to look into a camera like in The Office and ask yourself How the heck did I end up here? And just that Remus Lupin did after having to show up to the great Hogwarts Halloween feast dressed as a werewolf. Taking a deep breath Remus decided to just get along with it and play good dog for a while. He could do that; he had done it for almost six years now, a little dinner wouldn’t be the thing taking him down.

After all the feast was absolutely fantastic. There had been sweets-filled pumpkins, bats, orange steamers, water snakes, goblets of coloured sweets and all sorts of Halloween-related decorations. But the Highlight of the evening wasn’t the great food-fight between all four houses which James and Sirius started by throwing green slime into Severus Snapes greasy hair, but the costumes of the Professors. McGonagall decided to just dye her cat Animagus form orange and just show up like that. But the best one was the headmaster disguised as Shrek. It was certainly a very inspiring outfit.

The evening ended with all four boys feeling sick because of all the sweets and almost throwing up in the bathroom connected to their dorms. But nevertheless, they were all together and happy. They were just four eleven-year-olds who had fun and could let go of their worries, even just for one night.

3. November 2016

To the wonder of many, and displeasure of some, when Sirius Black was sorted into Gryffindor instead of Slytherin, no howler arrived for the boy. Sirius, on the other hand, understood. The Nobel & Most Ancient House of Black had an image to uphold. They were a respectable household. Honourable. And as such, all personal matters were expected to be kept behind closed doors.
And so, he did not receive a howler for his rebellion. In fact, Sirius did not obtain a letter at all. Not until his twelfth birthday when a single line of correspondence arrived.

“Your presence is expected for the holiday season.”

And that? Well Sirius could have wished for a thousand howlers instead. For possibly they would better justify the intense sense of dread that began to curl its way across his frame. Paralyzing him and seeding something foul deep in his chest. He hated feeling like this. He hated that his family made him feel like this.

James watched helplessly as Sirius excused himself from the table and hurried out of the great hall after he had received a very formal-looking letter, the first he had gotten since his arrival at Hogwarts. Sirius’ hand had been shaking as he opened the envelope. His grey eyes were twitching as he read the apparently very short message and he got as pale as Peeves when he read it. James wondered what could have upset his friend so much. He guessed that the letter came from his family because of the typical Black family wax seal.
Despite the obvious distress of his friend James decided it would be best to give him space and work things out for himself before James could interfere with his family life.

But Sirius hadn’t been the only one acting all odd and out of character today. Remus normally wasn’t as murderous as today. James hadn’t figured out what bugged his friend. Yet. Maybe it had to do something with the family problems Remus had been having for the last two months or so. He had disappeared in September because he was ill and later on explained that there were some tensions in his family right now and said that he would probably be gone once a month. And in October he was. James waited for the time it would happen this month. Something about didn’t sit right with James. He couldn’t explain it, but he had this gut feeling that something was very wrong.

As Remus suddenly stood up and just left James was left alone with a confused Peter and his butter toast. What a great time to be alive.

Remus couldn’t take it anymore. He had been feeling down since he had woken up and it wasn’t even near November’s full moon. His insides felt like they were on fire, his sweater was itching in all the wrong places and his breaths came out shallow and in a rapid speed. It’s been six years now. To the day. Today was the sixth anniversary of the worst day of his life. The night that had ruined everything. The night that this man, if you could call it that, caused him to be a monster, a werewolf. The man who had called himself his father.
Remus was many things but not stupid. He connected the dots from what he had heard that evening a long time ago. He heard his father mentioning someone, he had forgotten the name, but figured that this was the werewolf that turned him. It was probably an act out of revenge. Remus didn’t know what his father had done to the man but if it was enough to curse a child with this condition, Remus wasn’t sure if he wanted to know.

Led by rage and an unidentifiable emotion, Remus strode through the endless corridors of Hogwarts. He was a volcano just before eruption, he wanted to hit something, he wanted to hurt someone. If he wanted to hurt a stranger or himself, Remus didn’t know. Maybe he didn’t need to after all as his side, specifically where he was bitten, burned like a raging fire, surging to devour. And Remus was the forest, unable to do anything but being burnt by its flame.

Remus walked until he couldn’t anymore. He wasn’t sure in which part of the castle he was anymore. Somehow everything looked the same. Every stone corridor, every wood door and every staircase looked the same. It seemed impossible to tell them apart, pointless. That’s why he was here, wasn’t it? To hide away. Away from the pain and the excruciating memories. The blood red eyes and sharp teeth. The crimson streaks on his duvet and the screaming voices of his parents.

Somewhere between the stars and the moon, Remus found a boy, sitting on top of a windowsill. The boy was curled into himself and seemed to clutch a piece of paper in his pristine white hands. His carbon black hair was hanging in front of his face, building a protective wall from him and the outside. Remus knew that boy. It was his star, his Sirius. He never looked more like in his imagination. A tragedy dressed as a daydream. The perfect example of what society wanted them to believe. You don’t suffer, it’s all in your head. And that was the problem.

“Sirius?”, Remus questioned, voice barely above a whisper.

The boy, the star, lifted his face to glance at Remus. His eyes were glazed over and there were tears forming. At this point in their friendship Remus knew enough about Sirius and that he would never let them fall.

“What are you doing here, Remus?”

“What are YOU doing here, Sirius?”

“I asked first.”

Remus just quietly sat beneath the windowsill and leaned his back against the cool stonewall. Near enough to feel Sirius’ presence but far enough to be out of reach.

“It’s my birthday.”, for a second Remus thought he had only imagined the thin murmur.

He shifted slightly so he could look up to Sirius. Scrutinizing his appearance and determining if he was telling the truth.

“Happy Birthday.”

Remus didn’t follow up on why Sirius would be so…gutted about his birthday. Maybe it wasn’t even his birthday he was so agitated about, maybe it was just a fact. What a cruel way of fate to decide their lives would be intertwined forever. It couldn’t be a coincidence. Remus was bitten on the third November and the star, which was supposed to be his protector, was born this day. Was this a sign or a warning?

“And what’s with you?”

That was it, the big question. What was up with Remus Lupin? What was it that made him so…abnormal? Him being a werewolf or his true nature, which he possessed since birth? Something else entirely? Right in that moment, what did he have on his mind? What was it that bugged him so much?

“Family stuff.”

Technically, it wasn’t even a lie. If you think about it, everything could be followed to his family. Wasn’t it their fault that he was like that? Something inside him broke that night and he wasn’t sure if he could ever gain it back again. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to. Because who would Remus be without everything that defined him over the last six years? Who would he be? Something he might never find the answer to.
The weight of the key around his neck was dragging him down more than ever.

“Again?”

“Again.”

After a while of just sitting there, being in each other’s presence, Remus and Sirius decided it would be best if they head back. They wouldn’t want to miss Professor Slughorns fascinating monologues about the different species of verbena. Of course not, they would never. Who would think that? Even in the holiday season when they all just wanted to enjoy their free time.

The holidays also offered Remus a chance to get to know the girls in his house better. He had yet to talk to one of them but found himself a bit repulsed. What if they thought badly of him? They probably were already, given James’ and Sirius’ great popularity amongst all malicious students.
But this was not the time to think about girls. One of his mates would turn twelve. They had to do something.

Something turned into a plan very fast after Remus had informed Peter and James. The three had decorated the dorm into a quick birthday party worthy paradise. They hung fairy lights, which James got out of nowhere, around the dorm, collected all their sweets and arranged a quite music playing in the background. It was “Starman” from Bowie. One of Sirius’ favourite. Remus had even found an acceptable present for his friend. A drawing he had made while he was stuck in the medical wing about a month ago on the full moon. The picture showed a gigantic full moon, which was looking down at two animals; illuminated by a campfire, in the right corner. The two dog-like creatures were huddled close together and stared into the endless night sky. They gazed up into a variety of bright glowing stars.
Remus thought it was one of the best he had ever made.

After the dorm had been properly prepared the boys only had to get Sirius in there somehow. Said boy was currently sitting in the common room and refused to talk to anyone. Remus, Peter and James had all together agreed that James should be the one talking to their friend. James and Sirius had always been closer than the rest of them.

“Good afternoon, fine Gentleman. I am here to propose an offer to a certain Lord Sirius. He is to come to his bed chamber at seven p.m. sharp. If he chose to not appear at given place and time, horrors that would frighten every mighty knight shall fall upon him. Will My lord accept such generous offer?”, James proclaimed in his best posh accent.

Sirius, who had previously been sitting in a crimson armchair in the common room, was now smirking his signature grin. Oh, that typical Sirius Black grin.
Remus’ stomach felt bizarre. He didn’t know what it was but as he looked at Sirius, he felt something. That boy was so irritating that Remus wasn’t sure if he wanted him around all the time or send him far away to a place he could never return. Or maybe he hadn’t eaten enough at breakfast. Yes, this would surely be.

“Of course, faithful servant. I will be present to this…event of yours.”

And that he was. As Sirius opened the door to his dorm, he couldn’t help but gape at his friends. Fairy lights were glittering and reflecting in the mirrors on top of their desks, sending out a warm orange light. The whole room was immersed with a peaceful aura and the rain clattering against the windows was only drowned out by David Bowie singing about a man in the stars. And in the middle of the room were three boys sitting in a circle around a giant mountain of stacked up candy. Sitting on top of the candy mountain was a piece of paper. It’s radiant blue and white colours, catching Sirius’ attention immediately. It was beautiful.

There was a strangely warm feeling in Sirius’ chest as he realized that all of that had been done for him. Nobody had ever bothered to do something like that for him. His parents thought nothing of such silly things like birthdays and his brother, Regulus, had tried but his options were very limited. But he had tried which was more than enough in Sirius’ eyes. But this? Sirius couldn’t imagine why someone would ever do that for him.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY”, even though Sirius flinched a little as all three boys screamed out and congratulated him, he felt so incredibly happy.