Solitarius Lupus

17. September 2016

Remus always felt awfully cold after. Laying there on the wooden floor, he felt this choking coldness gripping his insides again. If he was hurt, he couldn’t feel it. It was just so cold. He couldn’t remember hurting himself last night so he should be fine. He didn’t want to think about what the others would say if he was truly hurt after he just felt ill and wanted to go to the hospital wing. Remus wondered what they were doing right now. Probably still sleeping as it was just after five a.m.

He heard the footsteps before he saw Poppy.

“Remus?”

“I’m here in the bedroom”, his throat felt like he had eaten sand and it was strangely difficult to speak.

Remus was still cold. Poppy rushed into the room and looked him over. He was too tired to be embarrassed by his appearance.

“You were lucky. Only a few bruises and a little cut on your arm. How are you feeling, darling?”

“Tired, mostly. But okay, I’m okay.”, Remus didn’t tell her about the coldness.

She helped him standing up and getting dressed. Poppy was one of the few rare people that didn’t need to know why they did it before they wrapped a bandage around someone’s arm. They just did. Remus would forever be thankful for that.

Together he and Poppy limped back to the castle, his arm slung around her shoulder to support his weight. He still was weak and cold. As they reached Hogwarts and went into the Hospital Wing Poppy tucked him in one of those sterile white beds and brushed a strand of hair out of his face.

“Sleep, boy. I’ll wake you up when it’s time for breakfast.”

Remus muttered a small: “Thank you” before he drifted off into sleep. He felt warm.

He didn’t catch the small smile Pomfrey gave him. The smile that a mother would give to her son.

“Well? Are we going to the Hospital Wing or not? Because I’m definitely going to visit Remus and I don’t care if you want to come with me.”, Peter said in a quiet but piercing voice.

Peter really hoped that his friend was doing okay. Remus had something comforting in him and you felt safe around him. Like a library. It felt unfair if something bad would ever happen to him. In addition, Remus was one of the few people who actually noticed Peter and spoke to him like he was a normal person. He didn’t want to spent breakfast without him. Of course, Sirius always played chess with him, and James taught him how to do bubbles with his chewing gum but when they are together, they are much to occupied with each other that Peter sometimes fell under the rug.

“Don’t sweat yourself, Pete. Naturally we are coming.”, said James who was still trying to entangle himself from Sirius as they previously had a ‘duel’ with some wooden spoons which they found laying in the Great Hall one time. Who would let them lay around there? Who needed those anyway? Aliens?

“Well then lads. Get up and let’s go.”

And with that Peter just left through the dorm door so that the two boys would have to hurry after him. He really hoped they did as he didn’t want to go alone all the way to the Hospital Wing. Actually, it wasn’t that he didn’t want to go alone he just didn’t want to go alone when there would be other students in the hallways looking him over and analysing him. He always felt like somebody was watching him, so he preferred companionship just in case something was to happen. Peter knew that theoretically it was ridiculous, but the body does what it does. He hated the constant shivers down his back and having to turn his head because he could practically feel somebody staring at it. But then he would turn around and find nothing. It was excruciating.

“Mate! Wait a sec there.”

Ah. Just as Peter thought. Sirius and James came hurrying after him.

Together they walked through the tangled Hallways of the castle all the way to the Hospital Wing and directly into Miss Pomfrey’s arms.

“Oi, boys! What are you doing here this early? It’s merely seven-thirty a.m. at a Saturday.”

“Were here for Remus Lupin. He wasn’t feeling well and went here. We wanted to check up on him”

Miss Pomfrey inspected them with a scrutinizing look and then nodded. She led them to the other end of the hall to a sleeping Remus. His hair was wild and sprawling out on top of the white pillow. Regardless of the bags under his eyes he looked peaceful and at ease.

Sirius with his gentlemanly manners and wealthy upbringing promptly decided to lean over Remus’ ear and loudly proclaimed: “Morning Sunshine!”

Remus’ head shot up and knocked against Sirius, who was still near enough to get hit, causing them both to cry out in pain.

“Mr. Black! That is not how you wake someone up!”

“Sorry, Miss Pomfrey.”

“Don’t apologise to me. Apologise to the poor lad.”

With those final words Miss Pomfrey left the four boys alone.

Remus, who still wasn’t quite awake, just turned to stare at the other with glazed over eyes. This all was really confusing him. Wasn’t he in the Shag just minutes ago? How did he get here? It was all just so confusing.

“Sorry for waking you, Remus.”

“’S okay.”

“How are you feeling? Better than yesterday?”

All three of his friends were inspecting Remus sceptically. Oh, right he was supposed to be sick. Better play it off as a headache or something.

“Yea, much better than yesterday. I’m fine.”, and after a short pause, „Does anyone know what’s for breakfast?”

“Oh, Remus. We’re having mischief and chaos on the plate.”, Sirius said as grinned his signature smirk.

At that even Peter and James looked confused. If Sirius had something planned, it surely couldn’t be good. Remus just hoped that they wouldn’t get into too much trouble as they had already left a negative impression by McGonagall and Filch, the Caretaker of Hogwarts. Well, Caretaker was probably a bit too exaggerated, and his job was basically being the janitor. But hey don’t judge people by their cover, right? Except sometimes when you are right. Sometimes you’ve got to trust your gut. And right now, Remus’ gut told him that things would get them into trouble. Or he was hungry. He couldn’t quite differentiate the two feelings. He would have to work on this if he wanted to survive the next few years with this menaces.

“Surely, we’ve all heard the howling last night. That gave me an idea.”

As Sirius spoke Remus insides clenched and he got as pale as a ghost. Please don’t try to find what howled. Please don’t. Remus wouldn’t know what to do if they tried. Search with them? Try to manipulate them? What if-?

“As we all now our favourite teacher, Professor McGonagall, has a rather furry second nature. And you know what cats love more than anything?”

“What?”

“Chasing after one of those muggle lasers”

Reaching into his trouser-pocket Sirius’ pulled out one of those cat toys. A mini laser. Where did he get that? Already grinning at the idea of how fun this could be, Remus carefully reached out to take the laser out of Sirius’ hand. As their hands brushed Remus felt like he had been set on fire, his hand was burning where it touched Sirius. Quickly taking the laser and averting his eyes, Remus hoped Sirius hadn’t felt it too.

“So, when we ought to do this, Sirius?”, Peter asked.

“Dunno, at breakfast? Tomorrow?”
“Wow the great master of pranks doesn’t know something? How comforting.”
“Oh, sod off!”
“I say we do it now. I mean at breakfast.”, James stated in a directing voice, “If everyone is okay with that.”

And what if James only suggested that because Remus looked so down? He was allowed to want to make his friends feel better, even if it was with something so stupid and morbid as luring their professor into following a small red dot. James still remembered the way his mum and dad always came up with the most ridiculous things to make him happy if he ever felt down and needed some serious cheering up. One time when he was five Euphemia and Fleamont put special effort into backing a cake together with him, it was Lightning McQueen-themed because his parents knew that it was his favourite movie. It was a rainy day somewhen in early November, James had just lost his glasses and couldn’t really see so it was a pretty messy matter. That was one of his nicest memories. And who was he not to teach the other boys such unconditional love and affection?

After they had successfully convinced Miss Pomfrey to let Remus go to breakfast the first doubts were beginning to form in Remus’ mind. What if they got into detention because of it? Would that leave something in his permanent record? No. He would do this. This was his chance to bond with someone over something and he would take it at all costs. He didn’t want to end up alone again.

The four boys were sitting together at the table, waiting for the right moment to make their move. They had decided that Sirius would be the one holding the laser as it was his idea in the first place.
Sirius looked around; the cost was clear. They were seated rather close to the teachers table and McGonagall’s view was unblocked by the passing students. He shared a knowing look with the others. Now.

His finger pressed onto the small button to activate the laser. A little red dot appeared on the stone floor in front of the teacher’s table. It took a few attempts to gain the professors attention but at the end she was practically mesmerised as she caught sight of the dot.

“Merlin! It’s working!”, James whispered enthusiastically.

Minerva’s eyes followed the red dot with every little shift, she truly resembled a cat, even in human form. Remus could make out a vein on her neck as she stained in the afford to stay seated and not jump and chase after the dot. It was grand! They all were trying hard not to burst into roaring laughter, Peters head was as red as a tomato.

“I think that’s enough. We don’t want her to jump over the staff table, do we.”

With that Sirius turned the laser off and the spell was broken. Professor McGonagall looked very confused and disoriented. It was priceless. Remus could forget about his worries for a few minutes and be a child, for a short time he was free.

In the evening Sirius held Remus back to talk with him. He wouldn’t tell Remus what about.

The two went up to the dorm with some ridiculous excuse for James and Peter that they believed; didn’t even question. As the door closed behind Remus a deafening silence took over the room. He and Sirius were standing in the room, facing each other whilst never breaking eye-contact.

“Why are we here?”, Remus practically mouthed those words, not daring to speak in normal volume. He feared that he could break this moment. It was a very important one, he could feel it deep inside his bones. This was important.

Sirius didn’t answer he just turned around and began unbuttoning his shirt. Remus also didn’t speak, didn’t dare to. As Sirius let his shirt glide off of his shoulders it revealed a back littered with scars. Remus wanted to reach out, to touch and make sure that this was real. That he wasn’t alone. He didn’t touch Sirius’ back. But he looked at it. Really looked.

While Remus’ scars were born from the unbridled anger of a beast, wild and jagged, Sirius’ scars had a very clean and structured order. They were intended. It made Remus sick. Who did this? Why would they cause such harm to an innocent little boy? Merlin, they were eleven! If he didn’t know better Remus would’ve asked Sirius, who did it, why they did it and maybe he would find them, searching for revenge. But he knew better than to ask. He wouldn’t have wanted it either.

“Why are you showing me this?”

Sirius turned around. There were tears in his eyes, not falling, but they were there.

“You are not alone, Remus”