illunius
15. September 2016
All he saw were flashes of deep-velvet red and the furious face of an unidentifiable being screaming at him. Then, a sharp pain taking over his entire body paralyzing him, handing him over to those beasts, leaving him helpless in the clutches of these hideous creatures.
A loud ringing in his ears. A faint “Diffindo”. Pain. It felt like a knife stabbing in his back, slashing his flesh tainting his shirt and the rug beneath him in crimson.
James woke up to the sounds of whimpering. At first, he didn’t even bother standing up figuring out it was just some lost dog whining for something, but James soon realized its source was in the dorm. Or to be more specific in the bed next to him.
Standing up and taking his glasses from the nightstand James went over to Sirius’ bed.
As he drew back the curtains to Sirius’ bed his friend muttered a faint “Mum, no, please!”.
Ah Sirius had a nightmare. James had those too sometimes but never with his mum in it. It must be awful seeing your mum hurt.
In an attempt to wake Sirius up James laid his hand on top of Sirius’ shoulder shook it a bit and whispered: “Sirius, wake up!”
And Sirius did.
For many years to come James would remember the look in his best friends’ eyes that very same night. The look of absolute terror and disturbance haunting his very dreams. A look that didn’t hint at nightmares but memories.
Being eleven years old James greatly underestimated the gravely of this look.
He dismissed it as a nightmare when in truth it was memories of a childhood spent in constant fear of those who were supposed to love you most.
“James? What are you-? “, Sirius’ disoriented and sleepy voice asked.
“I heard you, in your sleep. Bad dream, eh?”, James was honestly surprised that neither Remus nor Peter had been woken up by Sirius. They must be pretty heavy sleepers.
“Yes, you could say that.”, Sirius still sounded very shocked, but he was slowly coming back to reality.
“Cheers. Do you want to talk about it? Because if not, which I completely understand, I’d rather not wake Remus and Peter and- “
“Please don’t leave me alone.”
Slipping into Sirius’ bed, James couldn’t help but wonder what his best mate dreamt about. He hoped it wasn’t something too bad. Naturally was James curious but if Sirius didn’t want to talk about it, he wouldn’t follow up.
“So…You want to talk about it?”
“No”
“Okay, that’s okay.”
After a few minutes of laying in an awkward silence, James decided to come up with anything else to talk about. How hard could it be to have a normal conversation? About weather…no, Quidditch? Nah probably not. Maybe he could-
“Have you noticed Remus’ weird behaviour lately?”, the question came from Sirius.
Of course, James had. The way Remus had been brushing them off, the dark glares at any minor inconvenience and the sudden mood swings were hard to miss. But everyone had bad moods from time to time, so James hadn’t thought much of it.
“Obviously. Do you reckon it means something? Maybe he’s a werewolf and nervous because of the full moon tomorrow.”
“Oh, don’t be ridiculous, James! But- Can I tell you something?”
“Anytime.”
“I’m not sure if I like Remus.”
“What? Why?”, James couldn’t imagine a possible reason why anyone wouldn’t like the grandpa sweater wearing boy.
“I don’t know. I- I don’t know how to explain it but every time I see him, I have this uncomfortable feeling in my chest. It’s like a pressure weighting me down and I get this tingly feeling in my stomach. Like a thousand little beetles that are crawling inside of me. You know what I mean?”
No James didn’t know what Sirius meant. He had never felt like that. Maybe Sirius just had asthma or something?
“Not really, no. So, what do you want to do about it?”
“Mhm? What do you mean?”
“Well, there is obviously something between you and Remus. What are you going to do? If you need help hiding the body, I am not very keen on murdering a mate of mine, but I could help. Peter could- “
“I’m not killing Remus!”
“Shhh! Do you want to wake him up? I’m sure Remus would do it to protect himself. He would get away with it.”
Bursting into a fit of giggles James and Sirius tried very hard not to wake the other boys up. And that was it. They fell asleep side by side. The two were found by a tired Peter the next morning, laying on top of each other as one big mess of long limbs and tangled hair.
Remus had slept like a baby, deep and sound without a dream filling his mind. Neverless, he felt like he hadn’t rested at all as he woke up. It was a Thursday which meant a rather quiet school day. A nice opportunity for him to disappear in the messy crowd of the other three boys. With all the noise James and Sirius made it was easy for him and Peter to just vanish if they wanted to. It had its perks. Peter and he had been wandering around Hogwarts searching for secret passageways or hidden rooms. In a castle this big there had to be…something. So far, they were unsuccessful.
16. September 2016
Friday had been…interesting to say at least. In Potions with the Slytherins James, Sirius and Peter had developed some kind of rivalry with Mr. Greasy Hair, apparently Severus Snape, but Remus hadn’t quite realized everything. The day of the full moon always felt like a fever dream. His mind was clouded, hours seemed to pass like seconds and minutes felt like hours. He was on the constant verge of throwing up. Every breath he took felt like he was underwater, and the tears were always there, prominent in his eyes but he never allowed them to spill. Not since his first full moon.
The others had noticed but Remus brushed them off with some excuse that even he couldn’t remember anymore. He couldn’t do this. It was just too much at once. His senses were going crazy, and he couldn’t wear some of his favourite sweaters because their texture made him want to shed off his skin and crawl out of his body.
He still went to classes that day.
It was a Friday afternoon so his disappearance would surely cause suspicions amongst the other boys. Remus just told them he wasn’t feeling well and heading to the hospital wing and that they shouldn’t wait up for him. That he might even spent the night there. It wasn’t a lie technically. Much to Peters dismay Remus wouldn’t let anyone come with him because ‘it’s okay guys, really’. And as long as nobody knew about the wolf, it was okay.
Dragging himself out of the common room and double checking if someone was following him Remus took one turn away from the hospital wing and instead hurried out of the castle toward the Whomping Willow. Finally, having hit the knot which made the tree freeze Remus moved fast into the hidden tunnel and walked to the Shrieking Shag. Pushing past the wooden trap door Remus entered the building. It was already seven p.m.; the moon would rise in five minutes. Remus checked beforehand but thought that he would have more time, not anticipating the walk from the Whomping Willow to the Shag to last so long. Next time he would have to leave earlier.
Not really knowing what to do Remus just sat down in one of the armchairs, waiting for the transformation to begin. It was a quiet and comforting atmosphere; he closed his eyes and could forget for a moment what was about to happen. It felt nice. Until the first rays of moonlight made their way through the dust covered windows. They illuminated his screaming and writhing form as the boy slowly became the wolf.
Luckily the headmaster had already spread the rumour about the Shag being hunted because if anyone would’ve heard Remus they would pass out. His soul scattering screams and tragic hollow howls filled the air with an obscure aura, creeping into hidden niches and secret rooms, initiating the nightfall with all its malice and mystery.
As the abnormal big grey wolf howled the whole world seemed to shake. It was like every living being submitted themselves to the wolf, laying at his feet and asking for forgiveness.
James was bored to death. Peter and Sirius were wrapped up in one of their chess games again and wouldn’t talk to him. So, James found himself completely alone in their shared dorm. Merlin’s beard! What can you do alone? James looked around the room, fully taking it in. Sirius’ bed seemingly unpersonal, tidy and somehow…lifeless like he wasn’t expecting to stay here for long, Remus’ part with his many books in German that James couldn’t read if he tried and his sketchbook in which he drew from time to time but always hid it afterwards so nobody could snoop around and lastly Peters bed. Peter who had one of those apple cheek smiles. When he smiled his whole face lightened up and his cheeks lifted until his eyes were squeezed and you felt safe, even comfortable. Sometimes when Peter laughed his head would be as red as a tomato and his eyes would twinkle in a star like manner. But this happened very rarely, most of the time he was just too shy, even afraid, to speak up. James wondered why.
James’ gaze fell onto the edge of Peters bed where a small thing stuck out of his mattress. It looked like a…book or something. Not being able to resist, James went over to Peters bed and pulled the book out of the mattress. Turning the notebook in his hands James contemplated should he open it or not? He was quite aware of this invasion of privacy, but he also really wanted to know. Maybe just a quick look. If no one knew it happened, did it really happen?
So, James opened it and found…nothing? The first few pages were empty. The writing only started in about the middle of the book. James decided to read the first text he came across.
The moon
The moon was shining through the gaps of the trees, with their shaking leaves and solid trunks. From far away you could hear them whisper. The trees were telling stories. You just had to listen closely. Their favourite story was the one about the moon and the stars. They always mutter this story under their breaths when they are bored. Tonight, the trees have a very special guest: the moon. The moon likes to come here when they are lonely. They like to listen to the trees and their stories. Normally, the moon prefers happy memories of the people that come into the forest to spent time with their loved ones. Or the faint echo of children who loved to play in this woods a long time ago. But on nights likes these when the moon is longing for their lost love, the stars, when they feel like they would be swallowed by the shallow feeling in their chest and everything in them aches for their love, the moon asks the trees for their story. The story of the moon and the stars. The moon likes to think about that happy, carefree time, back before the stars vanished from the night sky. Leaving a pitch-black void of nothing.
Amongst other little stories were poems and generally just other thoughts. James knew it was wrong but couldn’t help to continue reading.
I am but wood. Solid but vulnerable. I get carved into and it stays there forever on display for everyone to see. These marks are history. They are a story. They tell things for others to read, but they only see the carvings, and not what the words are carved into. I am but wood, and though there are many like me, none are exactly the same. I am an ancient tree. I have spots. I have holes. Get me hot and I turn to ash. Light me on fire, and I burn. Tear me in half and I break. I fall.
I am but wood. Solid but vulnerable.
James read more and more; he didn’t know why. Maybe to understand the shy boy more or maybe just because he was awfully selfish. Selfish because he wanted to know everything about his friends, he wanted to understand them so they wouldn’t have a reason to leave. James didn’t want any of his friends to leave him.
Hearing approaching footsteps and chatter James moved fast. He put the notebook back into the mattress and made sure that it wasn’t to be seen. Practically flying over to his own bed James waited and tried to look as calm as possible. He didn’t do anything extraordinary, just laying around on his bed. In a moment of full clearness James grabbed one of his muggle magazines that his mum had bought him and pretended to read. As the door opened to reveal a flushed Peter and Sirius, heads red from laughing, James attempted his best not to look like a deer in headlights.
“Oi! What have you been up to except playing boring chess?”
“Peter was telling me about the one time his grandma ate half a quarter paint, thinking it was yogurt. It was grand!”
Before either Peter or James could respond they were interrupted by a dark howl. It shook James to the core. What on earth could cause such a horrifying sound? Turning to Peter and Sirius, they all stumbled to the window next to Sirius’ bed. Outside there was no sign of any creature that could have caused such a howl. As far as James was aware there were no wild wolves in Britain since the 17th Century.
Peter was the one to speak first.
“I really hope Remus is okay. Being all alone and in the hospital wing.”
James hoped that too.