Pulvis et umbra sumus
24. January 2011, Graveyard
Remus knew that his had father despised him, what he was and what he stood for. He knew that their bond was damaged beyond repair due to his transformations and just his general existence after the bite. But he never would have guessed that Lyall would go that far. Remus couldn’t have possibly guessed that his…problem would cause his father so much distress that he would go to this length.
In the end he probably couldn’t stand having such a beast as son.
Using the Killing Curse requires something beyond just the desire to kill, like using Crucio requires more than just the desire to hurt someone. It’s also extraordinarily rare to hate yourself that much, as suicide is usually committed out of fatigue and desperation, not loathing. But maybe Lyall had enough of that loathing left for his son that it was so strong to unleash the Killing Curse. Never underestimate the devotion a Lupin can show if he had committed to a certain matter.
It was raining the day of his funeral, everyone stood there dressed in pitch-black clothes being surrounded by an aura of incredible anguish and grief.
Remus thought that it was nothing compared to the almost animalistic screams and sobs that his mother produced as she found her husband dead in their shared bed with a letter in his hand explaining the reasons of his actions and a firm “Ich liebe dich, Hope”.
Remus, now slouching on a chair in a black turtleneck his mother had made him wear to cover up the scars on his neck, was bored out of his mind. He understood that this meant he would never see his father again. The man who thought him how to read, swim and who supported his passion of the stars with everything this man had in his heart. Lyall even bought him a duvet cover which had all kinds of constellations sewn into (he especially liked the Canis Major one with his favourite star, Sirius). But Remus just didn’t care anymore. The same man who wanted to ‘get rid’ of him was now gone. Wasn’t he supposed to feel relieved? Why couldn’t he feel anything?
Neverless was the ceremony a very beautiful one. The band that his mother hired played some of Lyall’s favourite songs and Hope held a breath-taking speech that would’ve sounded better if she Hadn’t sobbed her way through it. But she was grieving and it kind of added to the dramatic flair. Remus would’ve surely cried if he could. Since that very first full moon he just couldn’t anymore. Remus didn’t know why, he just couldn’t. Maybe it was better this way, never letting anyone see you at your weakest. It was a bit sad, really.
Just mere months after his fifth birthday Remus Lupin never shed a tear again.
The more tears Remus never shed; the more Hope seemed to wail. She sobbed her way through the speech, the burial and the afterparty. Now crying at her husband’s gravestone, she turned to Remus with an empty look in her previously always happy and warm eyes. She was merely the shell of the woman that raised him with so much love and affection.
“Lyall hatte Recht. Wir hätten dich nicht weiterleben lassen sollen, mit dieser Monstrosität in deinem Körper. Du bist der Grund, dass dein Vater tot ist. Du bist nicht mehr mein Sohn, das warst du niemals. “, even though Hopes voice was weak her words cut deep. Remus felt like someone had punched him into the stomach, knocking all air out his lungs. His guts were clenching and at once he felt extremely ill.
He knew that his mothers’ words were born from incredible grief and sorrow but that still did not excuse them. His mother was grieving her husband, but Remus was also grieving his father. Despite their falling out in November, Remus still remembered the loving moments they spent together as a family, as people who cared deeply for each other and loved themselves. It is funny how all that can be ruined in just a few hours, one bad decision or one man that has a dark creature hovering underneath his skin, just waiting to be unchained of its cage.
Remus left his mother alone knowing she needed time and space, so she could process everything and think about what would come next for them both. For the mother who just lost her beloved husband and her monstrosity of a son.
9. March 2011
Turns out what his mother planned for him next was to give him away. The “Wadzeck-Stiftung” in Brandenburg heath was a place for young people with behavioural problems and emotional-social development deficits. Seemed like the right place for him, Remus thought.
The main building was a church looking building that offered hundreds of hidden places and dark niches. Inside almost everything was covered in or made from wood. There were no soft edges or friendly faces waiting for him. Everyone seemed occupied with their own problems and did not seem to notice or care about Remus. Even at his sixth birthday the day after Hope gave him away
After his first week in this building Remus had completely given up on his fantasies that his mother would come back, rescue him from all these awful humans and that they could be a family again. Sure, the start would have been rocky and full of obstacles, but they would have survived it without a doubt. But here in the orphanage they lived together in small groups of seven to eight children. His group was filled with bigger boys that after the initial ‘I’m stronger than you, you worm’ lost their interest in Remus fairly quickly. He had no friends in here, nobody seemed to care for the scarred little boy. They didn’t even bother him because of his scars, nobody even took notice of him and suddenly he felt like he wasn’t there. After all, if nobody knows who you are or sees you for who you truly are, do you really exist or are you just a piece of your own imagination?
In this house everything was just so awfully cold and emotionless. Even though Remus had the habit of wearing scratchy oversized sweaters to cover up his dozen scars, he still felt a disturbing coldness at the place where his heart would normally be placed. A coldness that numbed him till his last body cell, until Remus John Lupin was just the shell of the little boy he used to be. A lifeless frame in place of a five-year old child, who is supposed to run around and have fun. Remus was robbed from that a few months ago and hadn’t in him to care.
Remus’ first transformation there was by far the most painful he ever had. Not just because of the broken and rearranged bones (even though it made a great deal) but because of his loneliness. This time there was nobody here to tell him that everything would be okay and that they loved him, because nothing would ever be alright again and in this foul room with the silver door and deep claw marks along the walls not a single soul in this world had positive feelings for him even less love him. But Remus was a fighter, he would not let himself be destroyed by this misery. He would fight until he couldn’t anymore.
20. August 2016, still Germany
And so, Remus fought, he fought for five years. He survived five years and approximately sixty-seven full moons alone in the claw marked cellar with the silver door. Remus made his way through six birthdays spent alone in silence, through tons of cold-hearted stares and through all the whispers and rumours behind his back. Not one of the children ever discovered his true nature (alias the wolf still very prominent in his mind). Remus learned how to survive, how to make it in a world full of people who don’t care about you and most importantly he learned that the only person you can trust is yourself. Sometimes you cannot even do that.
So naturally Remus was very cautious with the man in the purple robes that came visiting him a few months after his eleventh birthday.
“Remus John Lupin, very pleased to meet you. My name is Albus Dumbledore,” the bloke spoke in a thick British accent that confused Remus a bit. I mean he spent the last five years in an environment that only spoke German, so he needed a few seconds to accommodate to the different language.
As Remus took the chap’s words slowly in, he wondered how this complete stranger knew him and what he wanted from Remus. Maybe he was some kind of youth counsellor blaming him for yet another kind of misbehaviour he certainly couldn’t care less about.
“Listen, mate. I didn’t do anything wrong, so you don’t have to- “, Remus began but then was promptly interrupted by the bloke’s laughter.
“Oh no, Mr. Lupin. I am not here to inform you about another one of your infamous rule breakings. While I must say your record is pretty impressive to read, you truly are a Marauder at heart. I am here because of a much more important issue,” Remus almost begged him to speak again because the tension was almost killing him. Why is there a strange bloke in purple robes next to me? And why does he know me?
Getting impatient Remus decided to speak: “And this issue would be?” wow this was truly a waste of time. He would be better of reading his book at the pond by now.
Mr. Dumbledore (sounds like shite, Remus thought) finally reached into the pockets of his robes and dug out a crumpled envelope with the name Remus John Lupin printed in bold black letters on the top of the dispatch.
Remus took it slowly, looked up into the kind eyes of the man and then broke the seal.
Inside of the envelope were a letter, a list of very confusing sounding equipment and a very old looking key which was bound to a chain. Remus firstly decided to open the strange letter.
The letter read:
Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore
(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorcerer, Chief Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International Confederation of Wizards)
Dear Remus John Lupin
We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.
Term Begins on September 1st. We await your owl by no later than August 31st.
Yours sincerely
Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress
Of course, Remus knew that magic and all that other stuff existed (hell, he himself was some kind of dark creature as well). His father never made it a secret in front of Remus because he was expected to turn out magical as well. And in the end, he apparently did.
Discarding the strange list of “equipment” he turned to the key and his chain. “What is this key supposed to mean? And what does he open?” asked Remus the apparent headmaster in confusion.
“The key was one of the few possessions that are left of your father. But I am afraid I do not know where it leads to nor what it opens.,” very helpful thank you bloody headmaster, Remus thought. He did not want anything to do with his father or his possessions, regardlessly Remus put the chain around his throat and felt the comforting weight of the key on his chest.
Remus laid on his bed this very same night replaying this scene again and again. He was invited into one of the most noble schools for witchcraft and wizardry in the whole world! Remus could barely believe it. Even if the magic was something that he inherited from his father he still had the right to enjoy some of it.
But even with how exited Remus was he also couldn’t help but wonder how it could have been. Lyall, Hope and he opening the letter together an expression of pure joy on both of their faces, only outdone by the giggles of delight.
Everything would have been so perfect if only…
This was it, Remus decided. I am going to try my luck in this bloody school and if I fail then I do not care. At least I tried.
And with this last thoughts Remus fell into a restless sleep. His dreams were plagued by a big dark monster with flashing red eyes that threatened to tear at Remus’ flesh until he was nothing more than his own bones and cruel thoughts.
But as he looked up to the stars he found him, his Sirius, Remus suddenly wasn’t that afraid anymore because leaving this world behind would mean finally being together with the brightest star in the night sky, it would mean being together with Sirius.