Solitarius Lupus

3.November 2010

On that fateful autumn day, the sun rose low over the beautiful glittering woods of Germany. Somewhere deep in the semi-rural cities of Brandenburg there was a boy sleeping peacefully in his bed, completely unaware that this would be his last day amongst all the carefree children running down the streets as they chase the ducks living in the nearby pond.

Remus John Lupin woke up being in severely distress. His dreams were filled with the dark creatures that soon would not only exist in his mind, but he would count as one of them. Doomed for a life in the shadows, constantly hiding his true nature and praying to not be discovered as such a freak of nature.
Shaking his head in a way that would send his dirty blonde locks flying in all directions Remus pushed those dark thoughts out of his mind and started getting ready for the day.

Still yawning he swung his legs over the edge of his bed, slipped his feet in the wolf-themed slippers that his father gifted him for his birthday and made his way through the mess of carelessly left behind clothes and books that were scattered all around the floor of his bedroom.
The time seemed to pass in a blur and before Remus was really awake, he had already brushed his teeth, got dressed and was now ready for another day full of adventures and mischief.

He raced down the wooden stairs of his childhood home, stopped for a toast in the kitchen where he found his mother cooking something that smelled so delicious that Remus was almost tempted to stay in and discover what his mother was up to now. But only almost, he had important business to attend because today he would finally meet up with this boy, Grant, he met at kindergarten. Because today would be the day Remus Lupin would make his first official friend.

They agreed to meet at the nearby pond, which reflected the rays of sunshine so beautifully that Remus couldn’t help but wonder if the stars not only existed at night but also right now in this moment. Naturally being the incredible nerd that Remus was he brought a few books with him so that he could ask Grant if he had already read them or would like to borrow them.

And just sitting there in the grass in front of the pond waiting for his hopefully soon to be friend, Remus took in the nature around him. The glittering fishpond, the birds chirping their melodic songs and the brown striped cat watching him with her smart eyes from the opposite side of the water. Remus, being the five-year-old he was, smiled at her and wished her a good day. If the cat had understood him, she didn’t show it, but Remus couldn’t care less, I mean she was still there, so he figured that she liked him.
As Grant finally arrived Remus was practically glowing with joy. He was just so excited to be noticed by another person that was in fact not related to him.
Once they had found a good conversation starter the words just seemed to flow around them and wrapped them up in their familiarity. Remus had the feeling of being truly at home, something he didn’t think he ever felt before. Not even with his mother and father.

The day with Grant was probably the best one Remus ever had. They spend hours talking about their shared interests and then eventually settled on something that they were both very enthusiastic about. The stars. They both found them fascinating and were just completely lost in the conversation until Remus noticed that it was already past his curfew and that he should probably head home before his parents would start to worry too much.

When Remus arrived at home his father’s car was already parked in the driveway meaning that Lyall already returned home from his work at the ministry of magic. Just then Remus realized what kind of trouble would await him inside because of his lateness. Mother and father would surely be very angry at him.
They had always been a bit intense when it came to Remus’ mistakes or the general lack of a good memory. So, he feared the lecture that he knew would follow this dancing out of line, even when it he knew it wasn’t his fault. His parents surely wouldn’t cave in, so it was better to just admit to it and keep his head down.
As Remus opened the front door there was no one to be found. But he could still clearly hear the angry screams of his mother coming from the living room.

“What do you mean by ‘possible danger’, Lyall!?” his mother’s furious voice echoed off the walls and surrounded Remus like a thick fog taking his ability to breathe as if trying to slowly suffocate him.

“I am saying that it’s not save for us here, Hope. We need to think about Remus, about our future. Please if you would just understand-. “his father stopped short as he turned his head and saw Remus standing in the doorway. A panicked expression covering his face as he opened his mouth to come up with a possible excuse for their fight.

However, before Lyall could even think of justifying anything, Remus turned around and ran upstairs where he locked himself in his room, not even bothering to take off his coat. He really didn’t want to put up with any of his parents fights today. Remus sat on his bed and grabbed his dirty blonde locks so tight that he thought that he might accidentally rip a bunch of them out. His brain felt like someone wrapped cotton candy around it. He couldn’t form a coherent thought anymore it was like someone had taken his ability to think.

Why does it always have to be like this? I had such a beautiful day and now I can’t even think straight anymore. Is this what I want from life? What am I doing? What is happening? Am I-

A firm knock on his door broke him away from the piercing voices inside his head, which were whispering him awful things into his mind, slowly convincing him of things that he knew weren’t true. Very thankful for this interruption Remus looked up and directed his forest-green eyes at the white wooden door that was separating him and very probably his father.
His suspicions were confirmed when the very determined voice of his beloved father reached his ears.

“Remus, son, we were worried about you. You were out past curfew and your mother was starting to panic. Everything is okay, wir lieben dich, just never do that again, okay?” Remus, still sitting on his bed with his hands tightly clawed in his hair, wasn’t in the mood to argue with Lyall even though Remus knew that his father was lying. The boy been listening for quite some time before he was noticed and understood that the fight his parents had previously was about a Fenrir Greyback, a bloke he clearly didn’t know. Concluding by the way his father and mother had talked about him he wasn’t sure if he ever wanted to even lay his eyes upon that man. Remus had never heard his father talking in so much distress.

“Ja, of course father, it will never happen again. Ich liebe euch auch. But I’m going to bed now, the day was quite tiring.” A slight hesitation as Remus looked up and glanced at his bedroom door “I even made a new friend. His name is Grant, and he also likes stars, almost as much as I do.” this time Remus wasn’t even lying. Making friends was harder than he imagined and now he could use some sleep to make up for the endless hours of chatter.

“That is very good, Remus. Gute Nacht.”, Remus heard his father’s footsteps retreating from his door. The boy didn’t bother replying, knowing his father wouldn’t hear it anymore or even care in the first place.
As Remus stood up and stretched his now aching knees, he simultaneously decided that it was really time to go to bed and catch up on his sleep. He undressed himself in quick and precise movements, put his pajamas on and brushed his teeth with so much toothpaste that it was spilling out of his mouth and staining his pajama top. Remus looked into the mirror and attempted a smile. It came out more like a grimace. The boy in the mirror a reflection of how he felt on the inside.

As Remus slipped underneath his star plastered duvet covers and laid his head on top of the wonderfully cold pillow, Remus wondered what his parents were really fighting about. Why would they lie to him? After what felt like an eternity in the boys’ eyes, he finally decided that he wouldn’t come to a conclusion either way and eventually let himself being pulled into a dreamless sleep.

This particular evening Remus was so irritated that he forgot to ask his father to check for the monsters under his bed. He knew that technically it was downright ridiculous; I mean he was five years old for merlin’s sake! But to this day his father never missed it. He would always check under the bed, tell Remus that everything was okay and that there weren’t any monsters lurking in the dark shadows underneath his bed. His father then would assure him that he could sleep peacefully and not be disturbed by a dark creature longing after the taste of his fresh and young blood. Tonight, Remus was alone with no one by his side except those very shadows he was so afraid of.

It was later that very same night when Remus suddenly woke up. The moon shone in pale white stripes through his window, stretching across Remus’ furniture making him believe that everything was surrounded by a ghostly white aura.
Remus immediately knew that something was very wrong. Every muscle in his body was so tense that it could’ve snapped at any given time, he had this extremely strong feeling of incoming doom and the tiles underneath his bed were starting to squeak very suspiciously.

Remus took a deep breath and reminded himself that the monsters under his bed were in fact not real and just a piece of his wild imagination that also sometimes tricked him into thinking that he could fly if he just tried hard enough.
Nothing bad will happen. You are save. Remus had just started believing in it as he heard the most gruesome sound he ever perceived.

From underneath his bed Remus made out a truly bone shattering and frightening growl. His whole body froze, muscles locking in and making it unable to move without risking serious wounds. Remus couldn’t string a coherent thought together anymore. There was only one sentence filling every corner of his mind. These words were infecting his thoughts and painting his mind in all possible shades of red.
This is it, that’s how I’ll die.

The frightening growl only grew louder and was soon joined by the sickening sound of sharp claws against his wooden floor. Remus fought back tears. He was terrified out of his mind. Why didn’t his father check the bed before he went sleeping?
Remus always knew that there was something very foul and rotten beneath his bed, why couldn’t his father see it? In this moment he would have given anything to be at that pond with Grant again. Remus would sell his soul to the rottenest looking demon of hell if he could be anywhere else. Anywhere. Sadly, the five-year-old was still in his childhood bed, right above something that didn’t feel empathy nor sympathy. Something so corrupted that the border between human and beast blurred together a long time ago.

It happened so fast. Everything was a blur of strung together pictures, the flashing red eyes, the sharp pain in his side and a velvet red. So much red. It was everywhere, on him, on his clothes and his parents.
His parents? Remus was completely gone; he didn’t know what real is and what just a piece of his own cruel and twisted imagination. He really hoped that this was just some kind of awful nightmare and that he could just open his eyes again and everything would be fine.

The last words Remus heard before his mind drifted completely into that comforting darkness were: “Wir lieben dich”.
That night Remus John Lupin learned that real life was not painted in black and white. It was painted in shades of grey and blood red.

Later in life, Remus would look back at this moment and know that it would be one of the few key moments which would brutally craft him to the man he will eventually become.

But right now, Remus was just a child, and you know what children do? They wonder. And so, Remus wondered. How much can you change and get away with it, before you turn into someone else, before its some kind of murder? Had he murdered the bright little boy or was it that thing beneath his bed? Who was destiny to assign him such a cruel fate?

Full moon night

After ‘The Incident’ as his parents called the brutal transformation of their one cheerful and joyous son into a bloodthirsty monster which wanted nothing more than to devour every single happy moment in Remus’ life, he grew colder from day to day. At the end nobody wanted someone like him, right? So why bother being perfect for someone that doesn’t even give you a chance to begin with? This wasn’t him being overly pessimistic, that was logical thinking.

His bite had been properly taken care of, his parents explained him that he now was the very same thing he always feared, and Remus could barely stand to look in a mirror afraid of what he would find behind his once beautiful dark green eyes. The constant self-loathing tore Remus apart. Small, little, and scared Remus found himself completely isolated from everything and everyone. It would take a few years before Remus ever received a loving touch or gesture ever again. And by the time he would receive the love and affection he deserved; Remus wasn’t sure if he was too broken to ever be repaired again.

His parents hadn’t allowed him to see Grant anymore or anyone for that matter. Even Lyall and Hope, the people who were supposed to make him feel loved, cared for, and save, couldn’t stand to even lay their eyes upon Remus anymore. God forbid talk to him. Remus learned to grieve in silence. To keep all his emotions in a little box inside his head and to only let them out if necessary.

Remus grew numb, he learned that who, what, he was now would never be loved or cared for. Never. And he accepted it.
But the reality of everything hadn’t sunken in until his first full moon. The days before were pure agony, the general feeling of sickness, the random fevers and sometimes even the delusional hallucinations. Everything in his body screamed for release. His mind was yearning for the woods and every kind of…refreshing he would find there.

Hope and Lyall had prepared the basement for his special…condition. While Lyall set up every kind of protection spell and silencing charm he could possibly think of, upholstered Hope the whole room so Remus wouldn’t have to sleep on the cold stone floor.
Bullshit, Remus thought. This little bit of playing pretend, playing like they actually cared what happened to him. He knew exactly that he was dead to his parents the bloody moment that they found him, still paralyzed in his bed, bleeding on his star themed duvet covers, unable to move nor even make a sound due to his incredible pain.

But Remus didn’t complain, he never did anymore. Not since Hope accidentally broke a plate because he told her that there was a bit of salt missing in her mashed potatoes.
It was sad seeing her like that, knowing that he, Remus, caused his mother so much despair.
A mother shouldn’t flinch because her five-year-old son suddenly came into a room or burst into tears when he told her that he still loved her even when she didn’t anymore.

Remus’ only comfort these days were the stars. He had adored them ever since he was old enough to know what a star even was. Somewhen in the last few weeks he took the habit of taking to the stars. Especially to Sirius, the brightest one in the whole night sky. Sirius seemed to outshine all darkness and always guide Remus’ way to a safe haven. It was nice to have someone listening to you without judgement or fear. It was just him and Sirius. Every night.
But not this one, tonight it would only be Remus against the moon.

The last thing that Remus, through his now clouded gaze, saw was the pitying stare of Hope Lupins honey like eyes. Afterwards the heavy metal door to the basement flew shut and left Remus isolated from the world outside of this small and soulless room. He was left alone with his brutal thoughts hammering down on him. Telling him how worthless and unworthy of love he truly was, what a monster lived beneath his skin and that he would never be able to control it. That he would hurt everyone he ever cared for.

Every bone in Remus’ body felt like they were on fire but there was still no change in his form visible. It was like the wolf was mocking him, saying that he deserved this, that he deserved to be in never ending agony. After a while of tense silence only filled with Remus’ heavy and anxious breathing his arm suddenly made a very disturbing sound as it cracked and formed itself into something beastlike.
As Remus screamed out in pain the boy decided that he hated the wolf living inside his body more than anything. It took away his parents, his only friend and his previously weak his self-esteem only got worse. It intensified his already present self-loathing up to the point that he couldn’t even look at his parents without feeling ashamed. Ashamed of the disgusting dark monster their son had become.

The next part of his body that began to disform was his spine. He bent over in pain and sunk to his knees, thinking that if he would just scream loud enough this unbearable torture would finally stop. Tears were running down his cheeks, leaving the pillows underneath himself in a pattern of tearstains, which would surely, in course of the night, transform into streaks of velvet red blood.
As the transformation was accomplished every single one of Remus’ body parts seemed on fire, his face had been reshaped into the frightening snout of a wolf and his formerly pitiful screams vanished into a dark howl of anguish.

Much to Remus’ surprise he did in fact stay very clear in his mind and did not black out like he expected to. His senses seemed sharper as ever and he could even hear their neighbors arguing about who ate the yogurt of the other. Unfortunately, Remus could also make out his parents furious whispering in one of the rooms above his head.

“He is a danger to everyone that comes near a five-foot radius of him. Don’t you understand, Hope? We must…get rid of him somehow.”, of course it wasn’t a surprise to Remus, he saw the disgust in his father’s eyes every time they so much as mentioned his condition. He noticed his father’s coldness towards him, and he was aware of the lack of attention a five-year-old would normally attract as soon as he would enter a room. But hearing such words leave his father’s mouth as he talked about his own son was something Remus couldn’t put into words.

“Lyall! Remus is still our son, even with his…problem. We will find a way to reverse it. Remus could- “

“No Remus can’t do anything! He is now one of those kinds. And we want nothing to do with them. There is no cure, believe me. This monster is not our son anymore.”

Remus let out a small whimper of sorrow. He promptly laid down on his belly and tried to place his now fur covered paws on top of his ears in hopes he wouldn’t have to hear any more of his father’s hurtful words. Remus knew what his father thought of him but having it shoved into his face like that was something else entirely. Somehow Remus whished that his mind would be gone so he wouldn’t have to suffer anymore, but no he was still here, the little boy trapped inside the dark creature that only seemed to exist in the many horror stories parents used to scare away their small children.

And so being all alone and aware of the situation he was in, Remus decided to punish himself and the wolf living inside of his frame. He tore at his flesh in order to let all the upbuilt rage inside of him out. The endless nights of self-loathing and wishing to be “normal”, whatever that meant to people like him anyway.
Hysterically thinking, hoping, that this must have been a cruel joke on him, Remus eventually broke.

As Remus woke up the basement was covered in ugly brown stains of dried blood. His throat burned from the constant screaming and howling.
Remus looked down at his now bloody and bruised body. His ribcage was covered in a ring of deep purple bruises which were blooming around his entire right side.
On the left side of his torso, he spotted the now familiar circle round bite from the dark creature that had attacked him that fateful night. Above the bite, reaching from his left pectoralis muscle to just above his right waistline was a deep wound that would with certainty leave a vile mark.

Remus was also pretty sure that there were some gruesome scratches on his back and neck, which would surely scar into a repulsive looking net of deep purple cicatrix’ that would disfigure his body until the day he would finally be released from this pitiful life here on earth. How could a person ever love someone like him ever again now that he looked…like that?