Regulus walked into the Great Hall and continued to ignore all the looks he got. He knew what those looks meant. ‘Oh look there’s the trans kid.’
When he first fully transitioned after Sirius left the looks had bothered him. Now he was just used to them. The only reason his parents had let him transitioned in the first place was because they believed it was better to have a trans heir than no heir.
And there was no way Sirius was coming back.
The thought of his brother made him look towards the Gryffindor table. There amongst his rather large group of friends sat his brother. And at his side… James.
Regulus made it to the Slytherin table and sat down, trying not to stare. James was sat between Sirius and Evans, laughing at something Sirius said.
He watched as James responded enthusiastically and Sirius laugh with him.
He watched as Sirius grinned and pulled James onto the table standing tall as he began to speak to the crowd of students.
”James Fleamont Potter everyone! The nicest person I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing, the star of Gryffindor, your head boy,” he turned towards James and smiled widely, “and the brother I never had.”
The room went sort of hazy. Regulus could vaguely register Sirius and James sitting down again and his own friends asking if he was okay.
The brother I never had.
The brother I never had. The brother I never had the brother I never had thebrotherIneverhadthebrotherIneverhad.
Oh.
Regulus stood up quickly and turned towards the door, walking as fast as he could.
The brother I never had the brother I never had.
He ran out the door and down the hall. He turned into the closest empty classroom, closing the door behind him.
He walked quickly towards the back of the room, yanking off his tie and pulling off his robes. He leaned over a desk and pulled on his hair.
The brother I never had the brother I never had.
Regulus swallowed and gasps out a breath.
The brother I never had the brother I never had the brother I never-
The door slammed open and then closed and Regulus startled, backing towards the corner.
The two new occupants in the room didn’t even seem to notice him.
Evan’s bright red hair was easy to recognize and she was pulling someone into the room by their tie, their hands were wrapped around her waist and their glasses were pushed up into their hair.
He watched as James ducked down to kiss and suck at her neck and she tilted her head up and to the side which was when she saw him.
”James.”
James mumbled a noise and pressed himself closer.
”James. Baby. We’re not alone.”
James popped his head up at that and scanned the room, stopping when he made eye contact with Regulus. The boy’s eyes widened.
”Oh. Hey Reggie.”
Regulus wished he could say he didn’t flinch at that but he’d be lying. He swallowed and hoped his voice didn’t shake.
”Hello.”
James smiled sort of nervously and pushed Evans behind him.
”Um. Sorry. We didn’t know this room was occupied.” He backed up towards the door still keeping his girlfriend behind him. “You know how it is. When you find the special girl for you she’s all you can think about. I know I found mine. And I won’t be letting her go.”
And with that both of them were gone.
Oh wow.
So this is quite possibly the worst day in his entire life than.
Regulus stumbled back towards the wall and fell against it, sliding down to the floor and gripping his hair.
His short hair. Because he was a boy.
But he wasn’t. And he was.
He couldn’t be the brother his own brother wanted. What he needed. Because he was born a girl. He couldn’t be the person the love of his life loved back because we was now a boy.
He just wasn’t good enough.
He couldn’t be good enough.
He was just wrong- he was all wrong- everything was wrong.
He wasn’t enough for his parents he wasn’t enough for Sirius he wasn’t enough for James he wasn’t enough for himself-
He wasn’t right.
Regulus slammed his head back into the stone wall behind him hoping for a release, he dug his nails into his palms so hard he knew he was bleeding because he just needed to be done.
Why was it always him? I don’t understand I don’t-
There wasn’t any air in the room.
No one likes you, you’ll not good enough you’ll never be enough-
Why was it so cold? It’s too loud.
You should just leave no one would miss you. They wouldn’t even notice you were gone. No one would care-
He took a deep breath.
It was forced.
He slowly opened his eyes.
And then he let the mask fall over his face.
He knew the truth. Everyone would leave eventually. It was what was taught to him and he knew first hand it was true. He wasn’t enough for anyone to want.
They would never like him the same.
Nothing he did would be enough.
He took another breath and then smiled.
Thank Merlin he finally figured that out.
He stood slowly and put his robes back on, then his tie. He turned and walked out the door with his head held high and his face blank.
He ignored his friends when they asked if he was okay.
He ignored his brother when he begged him to come with him to the Potter’s the next week.
He ignored James when he asked too.
And when the Dark Lord came over break to give him the dark mark, he took it. Never making a sound.
It took two years for him to feel something.
And when he was finally dragged down to the bottom of the lake, he felt the water rushing into his mouth and his nose, he opened his mouth…
And he smiled.