Sirius felt like the world was falling apart around him. This was the first night he cried in front of his mother since he had been 8 years old. “Men don't cry. Especially not a Black! You have to be strong and don’t you dare show any weakness! It will only help others to use you for their own good.” That's what she had said all those years ago.
The day had been pretty normal. For a day at Grimmauld Place at least. That had changed when Sirius walked downstairs for dinner. But instead of a fully set dinner table, which was the norm that time of the day, all he found was an almost empty table decorated as plainly as ever. But he had no time to question it any longer, because in that very second he heard his mother scream.
“Sirius Orion Black come here, right now!” His mother's scream made Sirius's heartbeat quicken. What could he possibly have done wrong? He had been in his room all day except for breakfast. Maybe that was the problem. His mother always found a reason to punish him, to hurt him. Quickly Sirius walked towards the direction of her voice. He knew better than to let her wait.
“Yes, mother?” Sirius asked while looking into her gray, soulless eyes. He hated eye contact; it felt odd and made him uncomfortable no matter who he was speaking to. But he also knew that his mother would punish him if he didn't do it, so he forced himself to keep eye contact. In the end it wouldn’t matter, he always felt uncomfortable around his parents anyways.
“You’re such a disgrace to our family!” ‘Here it goes', he thought. “A son of mine not only being a Gryffindor and a blood traitor but also a faggot? This is not even something any human should be capable of! It’s disgusting…You are disgusting. For a man to be with another man is against every rule there is! Especially for a noble wizard family like ours. I can’t believe you would decide to do such a thing, to act like that. Your father and I knew that you were no good but this…this is unacceptable!” Her voice was shivering but her face remained unbothered, almost as if made of stone.
Shit, shit, shit! How had his mother found out about that? Fuck, maybe Regulus had told her? No, he would never do that to Sirius. Or had she tortured Reggie just to find out? Sirius wasn’t out to a lot of people after all. Only his close friends and his little brother knew. Honestly, he had only just accepted it himself a couple of months ago. He had only decided to tell some people, so that it felt real. Sirius felt tears running down his face. Somehow this hurt more than any of the things she had ever said to him because he was a blood traitor.
“I did not decide to be a homosexual. It’s just who I am. I can’t fucking control it”, Sirius said quietly while looking at the floor. He couldn’t look at that face of pure disgust any longer. That’s when she hit him. Sirius looked up at her, feeling the stinging pain of her hand on his cheek. “Don’t you dare speak to your mother like that. Of course, you did decide that. It’s a choice. A choice you made because you’re a disappointment, unworthy of being an heir to our family!”
His tears were falling fast by now and he hated it. He hated it so much. Sirius tried to say something but as soon as he opened his mouth he was hit with the first curse.
“Crucio!”
He collapsed onto the floor, screaming in pain. “How could you act on those sickening thoughts of yours!?” She was right. Sirius knew it was wrong but it felt so fucking right. His thoughts were cut off when he got hit with another one of her curses.
This time it was something different. He was used to the crucio curse by now, he could handle it. But this curse hurt differently. It felt like there were thousands of needles stabbing into his back, pushing the air out of his lungs. Sirius started to panic. He couldn’t breathe. He lost control of himself. He felt as if he would die right then and there. 'Finally’, he thought, welcoming the darkness that started to surround him. Not like he actively wanted to die. Of course not. Yes, his life was bad at times, especially at home, but there were good things as well. He could handle it. He had to. And if it was just for his friends.
Sirius could only imagine how they would feel. James would probably think that he didn't do enough to help Sirius. Remus would hurt himself even more during the next full moon. And all the others would feel horrible too, he was sure about that. And Reggie… fuck! He could not leave him all alone with their parents. So dying was not an option here, even though it would make things much easier. Because deep down Sirius knew he was a burden, no matter how often his friends assured him he was not.
He must have passed out from the pain because when he woke up he was still laying on the cold floor. His every bone was hurting, when Sirius tried to get up but failed and fell to the floor again.
“Here let me help you.”
That was Regulus. He put his hand under Sirius’s back and helped him up. “Thanks, just wait a second I need to catch my breath.” The older brother was breathing heavily. “Okay, but we need to get you up to your room before father or mother notices you’re awake and that I’m helping you”, Regulus whispered into his ear.
A few seconds later Sirius gather everything he had left in him and started walking and together the brothers made it up the stairs and to Sirius’s room. Regulus left and shortly after came back to bring him bread with butter.
“Sorry, that’s the only thing I could save you.”
Sirius smiled softly. “That’s more than enough, thank you, Reggie.”
“I’m gonna go to my room now. Are you okay for now?”, the younger Black asked. Sirius nodded, chewing the bread slowly.
He always chewed slowly to assure that he didn’t eat too much. Sirius knew he needed to eat, that it was necessary to consume food but it also disgusted him even though he didn’t know why exactly. It had been like that for as long as he could remember.
“I guess. I mean everything hurts and I can’t move very much but for now, yes, I’m okay.”
Regulus looked at him giving him a sad look before he turned around and left again, closing the door behind him. Sirius could hear Reggie's footsteps receding and heard the thud of Reggie's closing door.
So now there he was, sitting on his bed and starting to cry again. Fuck, fuck, fuck! It was all too much. Sirius knew that he wasn’t in his right mind and that he shouldn’t listen to his thoughts but he began to spiral nonetheless.
Disgusting, that was the word that he couldn’t get out of his head. He knew he was not only disgusting but also a failure, a burden for everyone. His breathing picked up; he started to hyperventilate because he couldn't get the oxygen to stay in his lungs.
After a while of fighting for air, Sirius managed to move and get a small, hidden box out of his bedside table. He opened it and held a muggle razor blade in his shaking hand. He had stolen it from Remus just a couple of months ago. He had seen him use it to shave and decided that it would give him more control than a spell.
Sirius brought the blade to his forearm and slowly started to draw lines with it. He always paid attention to do it slowly, to feel the pain, to see the pearls of blood form before it started running down his arms steadily. At first, the cuts were rather shallow but soon he cut deeper and deeper.
After putting down the blade Sirius was looking out of the window. His thoughts kept him awake, he knew how wrong this was. Cutting, hurting himself, even though his parents hurt him more than enough. But this…it gave him control. Control he couldn’t get in any other way. The pain also helped him to feel like he was still alive. Sometimes Sirius felt like he don’t really was like he just existed and so he wanted to feel, to know. To know that he was alive.
_______________
The next few days felt like hell. No one talked to him, his parents just ignored him or hit him with curses. Walburga didn’t allow Sirius to eat, he “wasn’t worth eating the food she paid for” as she put it. But Regulus tried to sneak a piece of bread with butter into his room from time to time. It didn’t really bother him, not being allowed to eat, but being alone in his room? Nothing there to help him get away from the mess in his head? That was the worst.
Sirius was happy that after that week the winter break would be over and he could go to Hogwarts again. On the ride there he didn’t talk much. Which was unusual so his friends, especially Remus, grew curious as to why the otherwise so energetic boy was now just sitting there like he got his soul sucked out of his body.
“So how were your holidays, Pads?”, James asked while playing chess with Peter.
“Mhm, yea they were okay, not better than usual but also not worse so I guess that’s a win.” Sirius looked out the window, tears welling up in his eyes. He couldn’t look at his friends. He could feel their eyes on the back of his head, so he just closed his eyes and leaned his head against the window.
He must have fallen asleep, because Remus slowly stroking his shoulder woke him up. “Hey Pads, we are almost there. Time to get ready.”
Remus tried to give him an encouraging smile. He knew how it felt to be tired even though you did sleep enough. To just not have any energy to try to mask that tiredness.
After the welcoming dinner, Sirius went straight to bed. He didn’t want to deal with any more social interactions for now. Usually, he would have been in the common room chatting with the others but today he just didn’t feel like putting on a mask, acting like he was okay. He knew that his friends would be okay with him not being okay and could probably help him but it would just be too exhausting to explain how it felt, how he felt.
“Sirius?” It was Remus. Sirius hadn’t heard the door being opened so he was startled and released a little whimper.
“Calm down. It’s just me, no need to panic.” Moony giggled softly and sat down next to his friend.
“I just didn’t hear you that’s all”, Sirius looked up from his lap and looked into Remus's hazel eyes and then unfocused his eyes so that the other one didn’t feel like he wasn’t paying attention. It was a good method to not show his dislike for direct eye contact as this often led to people being confused.
“So how are you feeling now?”
Sirius didn’t know why but he got angry. He knew he shouldn’t be. Remus was just trying to help, to make sure his friend wasn’t suffering all alone. But still, Sirius felt the rage starting to blur his mind. He tried to focus on staying calm. He didn’t want to hurt Remus, he really didn’t. He was not okay but that didn’t mean that his friends needed to help him. Sirius didn’t want help. He did not need any. He could do it on his own like he always did.
“I’m okay as I said earlier. I’m just fucking tired and now leave me the fuck alone! I don’t want any help!” Sirius tried to keep his voice calm but it didn’t work. His voice got louder with every word.
At first, Remus looked shocked but then he just looked sad. It broke Sirius’s heart. He didn’t want that, didn’t want to get that angry but he couldn’t control it. “Sirius…please I’m just trying to help you. Please don’t try to scare me away by being angry. That won’t work.”
Sirius got overwhelmed, and he started crying. “I…I’m sorry. I just don’t know how to handle all of this. I can’t control it.” He started to pull his hair. It hurt but he needed to ground himself. Needed the control back. Suddenly he felt a pair of hands on his own. Moony grabbed them slowly and pushed them down in Sirius’s lap and the black-haired boy collapsed into his friend’s arms.
“Shh, it’s ok. Please don’t hurt yourself.” Sirius laughed internally, if Remus knew what he really did to hurt himself then he wouldn’t try to help. He would think Sirius was sick out of his mind and would see what a freak his friend really was.
Sirius must have fallen asleep. When he woke up the light in the dorm room was out, it was so dark. It was new moon. Sirius had learned the moon cycle. He had needed it to help his friend and to be honest it wasn’t difficult to learn. He didn’t like the darkness though. It reminded him of dark nights during his childhood. On those nights his mother had locked him in the basement to “teach him some manners” as she had yelled before closing the thick metal door, leaving the small child alone in the cold room.
At first, he didn’t feel it coming but then it felt like everything was happening all at once. His chest started to feel like something was pushing down on it. Sirius thought he would suffocate if he’d try to breathe slower. So he didn’t. How could he let this happen? Normally he could deal with those memories, could stay in control of his body. This had to stop. His mind hazy he tried to get the razor blade out of the box in his trunk without being too loud. He really didn’t want to wake the others now, that would make them even more worried and this whole thing a lot worse.
With careful steps, the boy made his way to the bathroom, blade in his hand. Once in the bathroom Sirius closed the door but didn’t lock it. That would be too loud; the lock of the bathroom door was old and just way too hard to move without waking up the whole dorm. He put on a small light. It calmed him down a bit but still, he had the urge, no, the need to feel the pain, to slice his skin open. And then he did.
It felt so good. The weight lifted off of his chest, he could breathe again. Sirius didn’t realise how many cuts he had made. All those vibrant red lines, the slowly fading pink ones, and even the old ones that one could barely see anymore made his arm look like a mess. It matched the mess in his head, it felt right.
He thought about moving to his thighs. Hadn’t done that in a while. The black-haired boy slowly pushed up the leg of his boxer shorts. The blood from the wounds on his arm were dropping on his shirt but he didn’t care, could fix that later on with an easy spell. Now Sirius focused on his inner thigh. He hated the fat there, it was disgusting. Why weren’t they more like James’s? Muscular and just the right kind of big, not like his own.
Soon the blade also sunk into his skin there. This time he did it slowly and put more weight on it to cut even deeper. What he didn’t hear, were the footsteps outside in the dorm room and the door to the bathroom opening. The gasp the intruder let out led Sirius to flinch and he tried to hide what he had done to himself but it was too late. Remus had already seen everything.
“Sirius?” He didn’t look up. He didn’t dare to. Too afraid to confront the consequences. He didn’t want to see the disgust and pain on his friend’s face. Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw the other boy crouching down beside him. His hands slowly reached out to put them on Sirius’ shoulders. “Sirius, darling, please look at me.” He looked up and there he saw the hurt in Remus’ eyes but there was something more. “I know I’m a freak, I know it’s disgusting. Now please leave me alone, let me handle it on my own. I did it before. I can also do it now. And please don’t tell anyone. I don’t want to be any more of a burden than I already am. I-“ His friend interrupted him, “Stop, Sirius. Stop with this bullshit. You’re not a burden and you never were one. What makes you think that? Stop saying that.”
He looked at Sirius trying to read his face but he couldn’t. His friend looked awful. Just now Remus realised how skinny Sirius had gotten. How dark the big circles under his eyes were and how much paler he looked, even though Remus ought that to be impossible. Sirius’ skin always looked so white against his long wavy black hair. He was beautiful. That didn’t change, even now. But it hurt to see those angry red cuts and all the other lines, ranging from a rather dark purple to a light pink, on his friend’s arms and legs. Some were faded, they looked old. Remus wondered how long this had been going on but he knew that now was not the time to ask.
Remus slowly tried to reach down to Sirius’ forearm but the black-haired boy just drew his arm away. “No! Please. I don’t want you to see how much I hate myself.” He looked down at his destroyed skin. Moony tried to hold back his tears. This situation required him to be strong. He didn’t want Sirius to feel like he was a problem. He tried again to reach for the smaller boy’s arm this time Sirius let him.
Now he could get a better look at the damage. Some of the cuts already stopped bleeding, others were too deep to stop that fast. The inside of Sirius’ thighs didn’t look any better, the cuts there looked to be even deeper. “Sirius, the cuts are rather deep we need to clean them and I think it’s best to heal them with magic.” The other boy flinched, “No! Not magic! Please.” “But darling, they won’t heal that easily. They could get infected.” Remus couldn’t define the look in Sirius’ red, puffy eyes. “I…I know but I need this. I need them to heal on their own. I need to feel it. Please don’t take that from me.” The younger boy didn’t know how to respond to that. Why did Sirius need to feel it? He didn’t understand. Carefully he took a second look at the cuts. Luckily none of them looked like they necessarily needed stitches. “Okay, I’m gonna get something to clean and bandage them.” Sirius didn’t look at him.
Slowly Remus made his way to the dorm room to get his wand and some bandages. He was relieved that the other two boys were still asleep. When he got back to Sirius, he closed the door and locked it with a spell and put a silencing charm on the room. Remus set down next to Sirius. Again trying to read his expression. He was still crying silently. “Okay, so this will probably hurt a bit” The older boy just nodded. “It’s not like I’m not used to it.” Fuck even now Sirius couldn’t stop saying dumb things, he thought. Carefully Remus cleaned the cuts with some spells he had learned from watching Madame Pomfrey. Sirius’ tiny whimpers broke his heart.
The other boy was right, it did hurt, but what hurt even more, was the look on Remus’ face. He felt awful for letting him see this. Letting him see what a mess his best friend actually was.
“Sirius, could you turn your leg a bit?” He did as he was told without thinking too much but when he heard Remus’ gasp he realised what he had done. Now his friend could see his other leg. The leg into which Sirius had cut words. Failure. Disgusting. Fat. All of them were written down in shaky lines. “Moony…I had a difficult time at home and that’s the only thing that kind of helped.” He started crying again. Remus pulled Sirius into a hug but paid attention to not put any pressure on the damaged skin. Did his friend really think he was all of that?
One of the words looked deeper than any of the others. Shit, how had he not noticed it earlier? A few weeks before the holidays Sirius had often skipped meals in the Great Hall. After James had questioned him as to why he wasn’t at lunch or dinner with them anymore, Sirius had just said that he was stressed because of their exams and had to practice more quidditch if they wanted to win the house cup this year. He would just get something to eat in the kitchen when he had time for it. The boys had let it go after that but Remus realised now that they shouldn’t have done that.
“Sirius, you know we’re gonna have to talk about this.” The other boy just nodded. Remus finished putting on the bandages. “Okay, I need a smoke. Do you want to come with me or do you want to go to sleep?” “I don’t want to be alone right now.” Sirius answered with a shiver in his voice. Moony cleaned Sirius and the bathroom floor and then grabbed James’ invisibility cloak. “How naughty of you.”, Sirius joked, trying to lift the mood a bit. The taller boy just smiled.
The two boys made their way up to Remus’ favourite smoking place, the Astronomy Tower. They sat down and for a few minutes, no one said a word. Both were just looking at the stars in the night sky. Remus was the first one to speak, “Do you want one?” He held up the package of cigarettes. “Thanks.” Sirius took one and lit it. Inhaling slowly he looked at his friend, he wondered if Remus would ever look at him the same way. “Why? Sirius, is there a reason why you’re hurting yourself?” The smaller boy didn’t know how to respond. Of course, there was not only one but multiple reasons but could he just tell all of this to Remus? Well, fuck it, he had already seen everything. What is there to lose? “I…most of the time it’s to have control. Control over what’s hurting me and then again I need it to feel alive, you know?” Moony didn’t exactly know, but he could understand it. Kind of at least.
“And what about the words?” He tried to show Sirius that he was just trying to get behind all of this to help him. “Things my mother has said.” Sirius looked away again. Remus didn’t fully believe him. “All of those things?” The smaller boy opened and closed his mouth multiple times trying to say something, and for the third time that day tears were welling up in his eyes. “Sirius please, don’t tell me that you think you’re fat. Because you aren’t you’re just-“, Remus eyed him slowly, “you’re just skin and bones by now. This isn’t healthy!”
Sirius put out his cigarette and got up, still looking into the distance. “I know Moony. But it gives me control over what I can let into my body and sometimes I just need it to be nothing at all.” The younger boy got angry, not at Sirius, but at his parents. Their abuse had led to serious mental problems and Remus didn’t know how to help his best friend.
Sirius sat back down, this time he was a lot closer to Remus. He needed to feel the warmth of the other’s body. “Are you cold?” Remus put an arm around the smaller boy pulling him into a hug. Sirius just let it happen. He liked this. Moony hugging him, being there for him. He looked up into his friend’s eyes.
Remus was smoking his third cigarette by now. “Could I get a drag?” Sirius asked, eyes still a bit puffy. “Yea, of course.” The taller one turned Sirius around a bit, took a drag of the cigarette before putting it out and then came closer. At first, Sirius didn’t know what was happing when their lips touched but then he got it. The young Black opened his lips, slowly inhaling the smoke and exhaling it through his nose.
He expected Remus to part their lips but he didn’t and so Sirius started moving his lips against the taller one’s. And then Remus kissed him back. Fuck this felt good, he liked it. Sirius didn’t know he could have this. Didn’t know his friend also liked him like that. Or did he? Suddenly Sirius felt unsure. He parted their lips, but he didn’t dare to look at the other. Too afraid to see Remus's reaction. But then he felt fingers at his chin that were softly pushing his head up. “Hey darling, please look at me.” Sirius did, he even tried to make direct eye contact. “I hope you don’t feel like I used your emotional vulnerability just to kiss you. Actually, I’ve wanted to do that for a long time.”
The black-haired boy had no idea what to say. He thought about it. Damn…Remus - the Casanova of Gryffindor Tower - Lupin did in fact like him or at least wanted to kiss him. Sirius didn’t know that he wanted that, had wanted that for years, but he was realising it right now. He liked Moony and wanted him to like him back. “So you like me? Like actually like like me?”
“Yes, Sirius I do like like you.” Remus smiled at him, taking Sirius’ hands into his own, “And we’re gonna get this sorted out.”, Remus looked at the bandaged parts of his friends’ arm and leg, “All right?”
“Yea okay, but please do not tell anyone. Not even James or Peter or my brother. Oh god, especially not Reggie. He wouldn’t be able to handle it. No matter how bad this gets, how bad I get…promise me to keep it a secret between the two of us.” “Sirius, you know I can’t promise you that. I won’t do it if it’s not absolutely necessary but if it is…I will have to tell someone”, Remus put on a serious face, “If it gets too bad for us two to handle on our own, I will have to tell someone that could help or could get you help. Someone like McGonagall or Pomfrey.”
“That’s okay I guess. But only if it gets really bad.” Sirius tried not to cry again, so he just kissed Remus and the other boy kissed him back.
They were sitting there kissing, cuddling and smoking until 3 in the morning. “We should really go get some sleep now.”, Remus yawned. And so they quickly walked back to their dorm room.
“Could I maybe sleep in your bed tonight?”, Sirius asked blushing. “It’s so dark…and that’s-“ “There’s no need for you to explain the reason, my love. Of course we can share my bed.” That answer only made the smaller boy blush harder.
Laying there in his bed with Sirius Remus really tried to fall asleep but he just couldn’t. He was still too focused on the older boy’s mental problems. “Sirius?”, he whispered. The other answered with a groan. “Do you want to die?” “What?” Sirius propped himself up on one arm. “Do you want to die? Are you suicidal? Whatever you wanna call it.” The black-haired boy sighed. “To be honest, I don’t know Remus. I mean, no, I don’t actively want to die but sometimes I think it would be easier for a lot of people if I just didn’t exist, you know?” “Fuck Sirius. Please promise to tell me if those thoughts get too much and just so you know, it wouldn’t be easier. It would be…fuck I don’t even wanna think about that.” Remus turned around to hug the boy laying at his side.
Sirius was almost sleeping when Moony woke him up again “And Sirius?” Again he just answered with a groan, he was just so tired. “Next time…when you have the urge to hurt yourself please just come to me. We can deal with that together. Find something else to help pacify those thoughts, okay? And please come to breakfast with us tomorrow.” “I will try, I promise.” And with that, the boys both fell asleep, arm in arm.