futile devices
And when you play guitar I listen to the strings buzz
The metal vibrates underneath your fingers
And when you crochet I feel mesmerized and proud
And I would say I love you, but saying it out loud
It's hard so I won't say it at all
And I won't stay very long
But you are the life I needed all along
I think of you as my brother
Although that sounds dumb
And words are futile devices
(‘Futile Devices’ by Sufjan Stevens)
15:31. Friday.
Regulus knew he was home again when the sweet scent of cinnamon, oranges, and vanilla rolled around him, making his brain almost feel fuzzy whenever he entered the Potters’ home for the Holidays. The past hour had been filled with laughter, hugs, and the rushing in Regulus’s head from being overwhelmed with so much love all at once. The sight of James Potter had almost made him dizzy. The sight of his brother made his stomach almost sink out of himself.
“Do you need any help unpacking?” James set his other suitcase on Regulus’s bed, touching the small of his back as he moved past him. Regulus swallowed.
They had held a tight embrace at the train station before Sirius, Effie, and Monty had joined them. Regulus knew that the others knew there was something happening between them, but no one was exactly sure what was going on.
“I think I’m fine.” Regulus replied, opening a suitcase. “But you can say you’re helping me unpack so no one wonders what you’re doing.”
“I like that idea a lot.” James came up behind Regulus and traced up his arms.
“I’m sure you do.” Regulus winced as James pressed a kiss to the back of his neck. It sent goosebumps down his spine, prickling the skin everywhere.
“Look what I’ve got here.” James spun Regulus around and pulled a branch with leaves and a red ribbon tied around the stem at the top from his back pocket. Regulus cocked his head, peering into James’s eyes quizzically as he raised it above both of their heads.
“Uh, thanks?” Regulus looked up at the branch. “Not to be, like, rude or anything, and I’m genuinely just asking, but what is that? Is that mistletoe?”
James squinted at him. “Yes?”
“Why do you have mistletoe in your back pocket?” Regulus asked.
“I just thought it would be, like, funny or whatever.” James’s voice trailed off.
“Is this one of your pranks? Did Sirius set you up to this?”
“What? No! I just…” James pinched the bridge of his nose with his other hand. “I just wanted to be corny. I don’t know.”
Regulus shook his head in confusion.
“...You do know what standing under mistletoe means right?” James looked back and forth from the mistletoe hanging above them and Regulus.
“Uh, no?”
“Well,” James smirked. “Today is your lucky day. It’s a Muggle tradition where whenever two people stand under mistletoe, they have to kiss.”
“So you carried mistletoe in your back pocket just to be able to kiss me without any excuse?” Regulus teased.
“Yep.” James smiled.
“You could have just asked, you know.”
“I could have…but I thought of a funner way to.”
“Funner?” Regulus raised an eyebrow. “Really?”
“I said what I said.”
“You’re ridiculous.” Regulus stood on his tiptoes to kiss James. James held onto Regulus’s neck, lightly touching where his hair met his ears. Regulus pulled away for a second, staring into James’s eyes.
“Whew, I forgot how fun you were to kiss.” James’s eyelids were heavily hooded as he dropped the mistletoe to the side and kissed Regulus again, sitting on the bed this time. James tasted like oranges, and Regulus wasn’t surprised at all, giggling into his mouth. Regulus felt James’s hands all over him, pulling him closer and closer until he was practically sitting in James’s lap.
Regulus wasn’t sure how far he wanted to take it with James, but it didn’t stop his heart from pounding faster and faster as James ran his hands up and down his back, slightly grazing the hem of Regulus’s jumper and tracing along his waist. James was breathless, drunk on the feeling of Regulus’s lips against his. His eyebrows were furrowed together and his pupils were dilated. He let out a small noise when Regulus pulled away again.
“I think you missed me.” James’s voice was raspy.
“Keep telling yourself that, lapinou. ”
“You called me that at the station when you left for Hogwarts in September. What does it mean?”
“I’m not going to tell you,” Regulus said in a low voice, a smile pulling on his face.
“You kill me, Regulus Black.”
“About time you discovered my true intentions of reaching out to you back in June,” Regulus replied and kissed him again.
—-----------
17:49. Friday
Outside the windows of Regulus’s bedroom was a spill of stars that scattered the dark sky, matching the twinkling lights below that decorated the houses. The holidays were a complicated time for Sirius, and this one would, too, be different.
Living with the Potters and becoming essentially like family had been quite a shock. The Potters were a happy group of people, inviting friends and family over to drink too much wine and eggnog around the fireplace. Effie baked almost enough food and sweets to feed an entire country, and she never insisted anyone to hold back from grabbing a second, third, and fourth plate. Christmastime was incredibly warm and cozy and colorful, and Sirius wanted to bask forever in the spirit that the holidays brought.
“This will be Regulus’s first Christmas without our parents,” Sirius commented, squeezing Remus’s hand three times through their gloves. The two were on an early evening stroll, admiring the way other families around the neighborhood decorated their houses for the holidays. Sirius was wearing Remus’s red and brown striped sweater, and Remus had Sirius’s scarf wrapped tight around his neck. People were coming in and out of the town, and almost all in bright spirits. The cafes were serving peppermint coffees and hot cocoas with cinnamon and gingerbread with pieces of toffee on top. Sirius and Remus were currently on their way home from the cafe, drinking cups of steaming peppermint hot cocoa.
“He’ll be in for a shock.” Remus replied. “You had a bit of a…let’s just call it a cultural…adjustment.”
“Did not.”
“I only cried three times during that Christmas, thank you very much.” Sirius bumped their shoulder into Remus’s, albeit gently so as not to hurt him. “You’re so mean to me.”
“And you’re not?” Remus grinned.
“Hey, that is reserved for sex only, okay? You asked me to–!” Sirius was cut off by Remus leaning down with a shit-eating grin and kissing them. “Okay, fine, I’ll stop complaining.”
Remus laughed and they kissed again.
“I can’t wait to decorate my own home with twinkling fairy lights at Christmas. I’d never take them down,” Sirius murmured, gazing at the lights around the both of them. “Or maybe I just wait until January.”
“That way they don’t ever lose their charm,” Remus said.
“Right.”
A beat.
“Maybe by next Christmas we could have our own place to ourselves and be putting the lights up for Christmas?” Sirius looked towards Remus, eyes filled with the stars that shone around them.
“I’d love that a lot. I’d love to move in with you.” Remus kissed the top of their head, wrapping his arms around them. “I can’t wait.”
“We can start looking after the holidays.”
—---------
21:21. Thursday.
“This is literally nothing like Christmas eve with our family,” Regulus whispered to Sirius at the dinner table after Sirius handed him a mug of warm eggnog. “When are they going to pass the taxidermy deer head around?”
“Oh, god,” Sirius almost spit their eggnog out all over their red and silver embroidered sweater. “Never again. I totally forgot that our family did that. Holy shit.”
“They don’t do that here?” Regulus raised his eyebrows.
“Fuck no!” Sirius laughed. “Oh my god, remember when we used to have to guess the weight and chant the Black Deer Song?”
“I don’t know if I’m going to miss that part of the holidays. Does Effie make this?” Regulus asked, immediately downing half of the drink Sirius just handed him.
“Oh, Regulus, I wouldn’t…” Remus appeared with his third plate of desserts and a grimace on his face.
“Effie’s eggnogs are really strong, Reg.” Sirius blinked. “Like, they don’t taste like anything, but there’s, like, four different types of booze in there.”
“Oh.” Regulus swallowed. “Fuck. I’ve had, like, six of these.”
“Who let you drink all these?” Sirius’s eyes went wide.
“I mean…no one was stopping me. I don’t know,” Regulus answered.
“You’re not a lightweight, are you, Regulus?” Remus asked.
“I actually have no clue. I’ve never drank outside the one glass of wine during holidays every now and then.” Regulus sighed. “I mean, I feel fine. I’m probably not that drunk, right? I don’t feel anything.”
Regulus was in fact very intoxicated. Thirty-four minutes later during the family’s exchanging of presents, Regulus was practically laying on the couch, sprawled between Peter and James, giggling uncontrollably at Merlin knows what. Sirius and Remus were sitting on the loveseat beside the three of them. The Christmas tree twinkled in the corner, emitting a soft light throughout the room. The coffee table in the middle of the room held a plate of ginger snaps, most of which had been eaten. Regulus ran his fingers across one of the pillows that somehow ended up in his lap and burst into another fit of giggles.
“Is this baby’s first blackout?” Peter asked, brushing Regulus’s hair out of his eyes.
“If we’d let him drink anymore, it would have been,” Sirius commented. “I’m a horrible brother, you guys.” Sirius’s statement was met with a handful of protests from the other boys. Remus ruffled Sirius’s hair, crossing his legs.
“Oh, come on, it’s not as bad as that one time when we all got high and lost Peter, but we thought he was out hooking up with that one girl. But it turned out he had fucking greened out and stared at the wall for an hour and a half…” James playfully shoved Peter’s shoulder.
“I wish I could have hooked up with her instead of staring at the wall,” Peter shook his head. “Have you ever been stoned, Regulus?”
“Seeing Regulus high would actually be insane, not going to lie,” Remus chimed in. “Are you okay? You’re looking a bit green, Regulus.”
“I don’t feel good.” Regulus wiped his face with his hand.
“Okay, let’s get you to bed. Can you stand up?” James stood up, towering over Regulus. Peter moved to follow James.
Regulus attempted to outstretch his arms towards the two boys. “Can’t get up.”
“Alright, get under his arm.” James nodded towards Peter, who slung Regulus’s arm over his shoulders. “On three.”
The two of them got Regulus to his feet. Regulus looked dreamily into James’s eyes, a dopey smile spreading on his face. He held onto both Peter and James as he tried to find his balance, but he slipped off of Peter and landed in James’s arms.
“Woah, watch it, sir,” James teased. “I’m taking this one upstairs. I’ll be back down in a little while.”
James walked Regulus through the kitchen, almost toppling into Effie’s china cabinet and shattering that tea tray again (it had been broken twice since the summer had ended…and Effie hadn’t known). Regulus stumbled into the counter, wincing in pain as he gasped.
“Shit, are you okay?” James asked, holding onto Regulus’s waist.
“It’s fine. I can walk it off.” Regulus waved at him.
“I might have a better solution.”
“And what that might be?” Regulus slurred. “Shit. I mean…what’s your big idea?”
“You are really drunk, aren’t you?” James laughed.
“Shut your mouth.” Regulus put a finger to James’s lips. “Are you going to pick me up or something?”
“Something like that.” James hooked one arm under Regulus’s legs and swung him around, bridal style. Regulus clung to James, giggling the whole way up the stairs and down the hall. Regulus put his face into James’s chest. His shirt smelled like cinnamon and tea and laundry and like nothing bad had ever happened to him.
Soon enough, Regulus was being laid into his bed, and James was bringing him a glass of water.
“Drink that,” James said, sitting down next to him and handing him the glass.
Regulus did as ordered, wiping his mouth as he finished the glass.
“Why are you so kind to me?” Regulus asked, tracing his fingers along the rim. “Why of all people did you like me?”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s just…it’s hard to believe that someone like you likes me back. I mean, you’re wickedly smart and kind and hot and talented and lovely and you have so many friends and you’re really good at quidditch and you love both your parents and you’re like a way of fucking sunshine almost all the time…” Regulus leaned against James. “Why me?”
“Oh, Reg.” James kissed the top of Regulus’s head. “I don’t think you give yourself enough credit.”
“I want to say something to you, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to say it. Or even if you would say it back. I don’t know if you feel the same way. I don’t know…I don’t…” Regulus trailed off.
“Hey…hey, you know you can tell me anything, right? I would never ever judge you or hold anything against you.”
“I can’t pretend I don’t feel this between us, or that I don’t…I can’t say it.” Regulus shook his head. “I want to tell you so bad, but I can’t. We’re not ready.”
James nodded. “It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything.”
“You already know what it is, don’t you?” Regulus raised his head up. The three words hung in the air, yet still unspoken. They thumped in Regulus’s chest, seeped out his eyes and lips and hands.
“I have a feeling.” James shrugged. “You shouldn’t ever be ashamed of saying something like that. Even if you’re scared of what the other person might think…you have every right to say what you think.”
“I’m too scared,” Regulus whispered.
“Then I’ll wait.” James reached out for Regulus’s hand and squeezed it. “I’ll always wait for however long you need me to. And when you’re ready to talk, I’ll listen to every word you say.”
James’s words hung in the air.
“If it’s any consolation…I might be thinking the same thing you’re thinking…and I also might be feeling the same way.”
“Is that why you always give me half of your oranges?”
“It’s possible.” James squeezed Regulus’s bicep. “Get some sleep, okay? Don’t be on your back or left side.”
“But that’s not my best side.”
“Well, good thing you’re not going to be modeling anytime soon. I’m just trying to not let you choke on your own vomit and suffocate.”
“I see.” Regulus shifted over, tucking himself in under the blankets. “Always looking out for me.”
“You gonna be okay?”
“I…” Regulus scratched his face. “I don’t know.”
“Would it help if I stayed with you?”
“I’m not sure…but I’m not…not letting you stay. You’re kind of nice to look at sometimes.”
“Only kind of?” James cocked his head.
“You have your days.” Regulus shrugged.
“Oh, fine.” James got under the covers and laid close to Regulus. “Happy now?”
“A little.” Regulus smirked. “Would it be bad if I kissed you right now?”
“I suppose a few wouldn’t hurt. But nothing else, okay? You’re drunk. Are you sure you want this?” James asked.
“Yes, positive.” Regulus leaned forward, meeting James’s lips. They lay side by side, softly kissing until James pulled away.
“Go to sleep, love.”
“Whatever you say, I guess.” Regulus turned over, closing his eyes as he felt James snuggle closer to him and press a final kiss to the back of his neck.
———
The holidays came and went. Regulus had woken up with an ear-splitting headache which went away after James brought him a potion to cure his hangover. Christmas day was spent relaxing by the fire as Monty played his guitar. Sirius and Remus had spent half of the day at the Potters’ and the other half at Remus’s.
New Year’s Day came and fireworks were shot from the wands of everyone who was of legal age, which meant everyone but Regulus. James had kissed him on the mouth in front of Sirius and Remus at the countdown into the new year. No one was particularly surprised.
Regulus now stood at the train station, with James helping him load in his final piece of luggage onto the train.
“That’s everything?” James asked, wiping a bead of sweat from his forehead.
“I wish I could take you.”
“Been there, done that. Seven years of my life I’ll never get to experience again. Give Minnie my love.” James pulled him into a tight hug.
“I will. She misses you,” Regulus replied into his shoulder.
They pulled away from their hug, and James adjusted the scarf sitting on his neck.
“Allow me.” Regulus pushed James’s hands out of the way and adjusted his scarf around his neck. Then, he pulled James in for a kiss by his scarf. James laughed into the kiss, holding onto Regulus’s shoulders.
“Nice move. Who taught you that one?” James asked, pink-cheeked and smiley.
“I’m not telling you.”