beginner's mind
Swear you'll be the opposite
Of all the stilted hypocrites
You know what made you infamous to them, don't you
You keep starting over
You keep starting over
You keep starting over
You keep starting over
You keep starting over
You keep starting over
Regulus loaded his final piece of luggage onto the Hogwarts express. Now all he had to do was wait for the ride home. Back to the citrus-scented rooms of the Potters. Back to the windy sea air making his hair curly. Back to the warm hands of James caressing him as they kissed one another, sweet whispered exchanged in ears. Back to the meals Effie made that Regulus could smell from a mile away that filled Regulus both physically and mentally.
The second semester of Regulus’s year came and went just like the waves on the beach at the Potters’ house. Regulus poured himself into his studies, blocking out any of the noise that forced himself to look around at what was happening. It was easier to live inside your head if you had somewhere to look forward to.
Regulus kept in touch with James through letters. James had began playing Quidditch for a local team, and he planned on trying out for the Harpies when they had openings. He was waiting for one of the chasers to retire. James wasn’t too keen on waiting. He made it very apparent in his letters. Regulus smiled, smelling the citrus in the parchment. He had probably eaten oranges before picking up the quill to write to him.
Sirius had been working on producing music with some artists in London. In April, they had begun doing backup vocals for some Muggle singers Regulus hadn’t recognized the name of. It was a huge deal to Sirius, and Regulus was happy for them, even if it wasn’t matching his taste in music.
Sirius had also begun the process of moving out of the Potters’ house and into a small flat up the street with Remus. They had bought the flat in February, and they settled in by the beginning of April. Sirius swore that they’d come visit Regulus every single day when he got back home, since it wasn’t too far of a bicycle ride.
Remus had written to Regulus about different job positions to look for after finishing school at Hogwarts. Regulus’s interests had piqued whenever Remus mentioned that there were mental healer positions opening at St. Mungo’s, with new treatments for Wizard Mental Health. Regulus wrote to Remus, saying he would look more into it as soon as school was finished.
Peter had moved to Berlin and began working for a fashion company. His clothing had made it onto the cover of some wizard magazines, but Muggle magazines had also adopted some of his pieces into their own trends. Regulus swore Peter started the jean shorts and knee-high boots trend amongst Europe. He wouldn’t have been surprised if there were more Peter had set into place.
The school year ended, and so did Regulus’s time at Hogwarts. He extremely happy to be out of school, out of the fever dream he had lived in, and ready to move back into the Potters’ house for the summer. He hardly said goodbye to anyone as he hurried off of Platform 9 ¾ and into James’s arms.
—-
Thursday. 18:55.
“How is living with Remus?” Regulus asked.
Sirius and Regulus had been walking along the beach to catch up before going back into the house for dinner. Sirius had practically pulled Regulus out of the house to force him outside the night he had gotten back from Hogwarts. Regulus hadn’t even had time to unpack his things or let James give him welcome-back kisses. He figured that would be later. Right now, Sirius needed to talk his ear off about everything he had missed out on while at school.
Sirius grinned. “It’s incredible. It’s so nice to live somewhere you can really call your own. Like, we got to pick out what our lamps and carpets looked like. And we’re going to paint the windows soon…” Sirius had a wistful glance on their face.
Regulus scrunched his eyebrows. “You’re planning something, aren’t you?”
“Listen, you cannot tell anyone yet, because we haven’t set anything in stone…but we’ve talked about getting eloped sometime later next year. We’ve talked about it for months, and I just…I couldn’t keep it in any longer. But you cannot tell anyone yet.” Sirius’s eyes sparkled.
“You’re kidding!” Regulus’s mouth shot open. “You’re getting married?”
“It won’t happen for a while, but that’s the plan right now. We’re still feeling like we’re a little too young at the moment, but I picked out a promise ring for Remus… I think we’re going to tell James tonight. You need to act surprised, okay?”
“Yes, of course I will…That sounds so nice, Sirius,” Regulus replied. “You’re getting married.”
“I know. I’m going crazy thinking about it. Oh, if you like living with Effie and Monty, just wait until you and James get your own place. There’s an open flat in the hall where Moons and I live…” Sirius poked Regulus’s cheek. “Just saying…”
“How did you know about…Oh…” Regulus felt his cheeks go pink. How could Sirius not have known? They hadn’t really talked about it other than Sirius mentioning it in a letter and Regulus choosing to ignore it.
“You two kissed on New Year’s…also James is my best friend. Of course he tells me everything about you two. Well, not everything. I don’t need to know all the details,” Sirius laughed.
Regulus raised his eyebrows. “And you’re okay with us being together? You don’t think it’s weird?”
“Regulus, I was the one who approached him last summer and told him to make a move on you before you left. I saw you two kiss whenever the train was about to leave,” Sirius said, matter-of-fact. “It’s exactly how I imagine James would do it.”
Oh, right. They had been in public after all.
“Okay…I just wanted to make sure…”
“Aww, Regulus, you don’t need my blessing or whatever. I’m happy for you. And I’m happy for him. You two complement each other well. I’m glad you two are getting along so well.” Sirius paused. “I have something for us to do. I think it’ll be really nice.”
“What is it?”
The sun had began setting against the ocean, casting an orange hue against the horizon. Sirius pulled a container out of their tote bag.
“You’re not serious.”
“Serious as my name.” Sirius smirked.
“Why do you have mum’s ashes? Where did you even get them?”
“I went by Grimmauld Place a couple days ago and swiped them when Kreacher wasn’t looking. I don’t suppose he really cared about them being taken though, as I haven’t heard anything from our other family members.”
“You’re crazy. What do you plan on doing with them?” Regulus asked.
“I want us to scatter them. Here. I want to put her in the water and let her wash away to some distant shores. I want us to be able to say goodbye to her in our own way.”
“Merlin…”
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to force you into anything if you don’t think you can handle it. I promise I won’t judge.”
“No, it’s not that, it’s just…I didn’t think I’d ever get to do something like this.”
“Right.” Sirius looked off into the ocean, a soft breeze blowing their curly hair out of their face. They opened the urn, taking a small handful of the ashes and throwing them into the sea before them. “Goodbye, Mum.”
They turned towards Regulus, offering him the urn.
“Thank you.” Regulus took a handful and did the same as his brother. He lifted his arm and tossed his handful into the glittering water, letting the wind blow the ashes whichever way. He could feel a sharp stinging behind his eyes, and he let the tears roll.
Regulus looked towards Sirius, who was also crying. Sirius dropped the urn into the sand and ran over to pull Regulus into a tight embrace.
“No matter what happens.” Sirius whispered into his ear. “No matter who you become. No matter who you’ve been. I will always be here for you, and I will always be your brother. Nothing changes that. Not running away. Not Mum passing. Not anything will keep me from having you in my life and being your brother.”
Regulus closed his eyes, pressing his face against their cheek. Sirius smelt like the sea and sand and coconuts and everything he had missed and everything he had ever known.
“I’m never letting you leave alone again. I swear. I’m never letting you go. Never again.”
Sirius kissed his brother’s cheek. The two walked back towards the Potter house. The urn sat in the sand, and would continue to do so until the waves washed over it and it became buried under currents and the ground.
Sirius and Regulus had been set free. They were free to love whoever they pleased and live the lives they wanted to. They had been through a metamorphosis together, forever changing each other for the better.
The currents constantly changed. The waves grew stronger and bigger, but then would die down and become calmer to reveal shells and treasures buried in the sand. The sun would rise and set, a force constantly in motion with the shifting of time. The stars would change positions, signaling new beginnings and illuminating different parts of the sky.
And as the sun began to sink below the horizon, the brothers walked on, arm in arm, towards tomorrow. Towards the warmth of the Potter house. Towards a better place. Towards new habits and patterns. Towards tomorrow.
—----
Hold on tight beginner's mind
The currents far too strong
It'll carry you along
'Til you're just like everyone
(‘Beginner’s Mind’ by Sufjan Stevens)
fin.