the only thing
Do I care if I despise this, nothing else matters, I know
In a veil of great disguises, how do I live with your ghost?
Should I tear my eyes out now?
Everything I see returns to you somehow
Should I tear my heart out now?
Everything I feel returns to you somehow
I want to save you from your sorrow
(‘The Only Thing’ by Sufjan Stevens)
September 1st
Dear James,
I’m writing to you from my dorm. I got settled in a few hours ago and just got back from the Welcoming Feast. It was weird. It seemed like everyone knew what had happened to me over the summer. Some of the people
in my house didn’t recognize me. Minerva McGonagall did a double take whenever she saw me. She had pulled me aside to tell me that she knew of my situation and to reach out whenever I needed anything. It was a
little odd, but I appreciated it. I guess I had never really seen that side of her because I have only had her as a professor. I wish I could have made more of a connection with her in all the years. Although it’s not too late
now, I suppose…
It’s going to take some adjusting for me about what had happened before I left. I do want to talk more about whatever is going on between us, but I’m not really sure if it’s entirely possible given that we’re quite a ways
away from each other. I hadn’t realized how far from Kings Cross you all lived.
I’ve never really had to deal with the whole ‘feelings for someone else’ thing before either. I want to explore more into whatever that means, but it’s complicated. The timing of everything wasn’t great, and I wish we
could have had another week together. I haven’t told anyone here about anything. I don’t think Barty Crouch Jr. would let me hear the end of it if he had heard about us. I suppose Pandora would not care, but it’s still
just something I’m not ready to share. Have you told anyone? Not that I mind… I just don’t want it getting around to the wrong crowd of people. You know, with my name still being highly controversial and all…
Anyways, I hope you are well. I look forward to your response. Give my best to your parents and our friends.
Until then,
R.A.B.
September 3rd
Dear Regulus,
Hello! It feels so different without you here. Mum and Dad miss you so much. Sirius misses you a lot, but I think they’d very much kill me if they knew I told you that.
I’m so glad you got settled in. I didn’t think I’d ever miss Hogwarts truly, but it felt so weird not getting up on the platform with you and our friends. Everyone is grown now, and it’s honestly so scary to think about. Sirius has
applied for a couple jobs around town, and I think they’re auditioning to be a singer or some sort of performer at a local pub downtown. Peter mentioned playing a couple shows every now and then, so he might be able to work with
them on the audition or even play while they sing.
I have a couple tryouts for a couple different Quidditch teams coming up soon. It’s a little nerve wracking to think about, but I’m excited for them. I also would be interested in starting a club league for younger kids as well. Mum
thinks it would be great for me to work with kids. Although Remus, Peter, and Sirius would think I’m a bad influence…what Mum doesn’t know won’t hurt her though!
I wish we could have had more time to talk about us and figure things out. I know things at the train station were incredibly rushed, but it doesn’t mean I feel anything less for you. Please take all the time you need. I’ll wait for you.
Always. I care about you and want the best for you, no matter what.
I haven’t told Sirius or Remus or Peter, but I’m sure they know we talked after they all said goodbye to you. I won’t say anything unless you want me to. I know things right now at school probably feel like you’re completely exposed
out there. I wish I could be there for you and help.
I’ll update you about what happens with tryouts soon and what the others are up to. Keep me posted about everything at school!
Looking forward to hearing back from you soon.
With love,
James F. Potter
James had signed the letter with a heart next to his name. Regulus smiled when he saw it, thinking it was funny that James wrote out his full name, as if Regulus hadn’t spent nearly the entire summer with him. He set the letter in his nightstand drawer next to his bed.
He couldn’t have anyone else reading it…yet. He wasn’t opposed to other people knowing about what he and James had going on, but this was just too fresh to be entirely out there. He couldn’t wear his heart on his sleeve, unlike James. He guarded himself too tightly. He didn’t want to spoil something good in his life.
Regulus wrote his response to James that evening.
Dear James,
I don’t really mind who you tell with our friends. I don’t know how much you’d share, considering all we did was kiss at the station.
But goddamn, was it an amazing kiss , Regulus thought. Late at night, he could still imagine the feeling of James kissing him. He would give anything for it to happen again and again. He touched his lips before picking up the quill and continuing with writing his response to James.
There’s a lot of new Gryffindor players on the team this year. I was walking the ground one night and saw a lot of new faces on the pitch. I remember last year how Minerva McGonagall almost cried during the last
match of the year whenever Gryffindor won. Slytherin’s team this year is decent.
I decided to step back from playing…more like the team captain asked me step down because of my “controversy”. I told him there’s no reason he could suspend me, but he said it would make the team look bad if I w
as on there. He also said something about me being a potential target for attacks during games. I remember when Sirius first left our home, they got really aggressive with Quidditch and broke that one girl’s arm after
accidentally launching a bludger in her direction…I wonder if the captain thinks I would do the same.
I thought Quidditch would be way more fun this year because of all the practice we had at the beach. I guess not.
I wish I could honestly say I’m settling in here, but that would be far from the truth. I wish it was summer again. I miss the house. I hate sharing a room with Barty and Evan and some other random guy they always pick
on. Evan’s fine, but Barty just won’t stop asking questions about what happened over the summer and won’t take the hint that I don’t want to talk about it yet. At least Evan keeps him occupied.
Hoping things get better soon.
Write me back soon.
Until then,
R.A.B.
Regulus pushed past the other students in the mail room, selecting an owl in the corner to deliver his letter. He felt another bird land on his shoulder, with a letter in each claw. One addressed to him in Sirius’s handwriting and the other in Effie’s. Effie’s letter had a parcel attached to the owl’s leg, holding what Regulus could only hope were baked treats. He missed her cooking. He missed coming down the stairs every morning to the smell of her spices in the kitchen and the scent of fresh lemons and peaches she had picked in the garden outside wafting through the air.
Effie’s parcel had orange tarts inside, each adorned with a whole slice on top. Regulus’s mouth watered as he read her letter.
Regulus love,
How are your first couple of weeks going? I thought you could use a taste of some summer while you’re away. We miss you so much! You’re all James talks about. You must have really made an impression on him. Sirius misses you
dearly as well. Both of them complain about not having enough people to play Quidditch with. Peter leaves for Berlin soon to be one of the design interns for a fashion magazine. We’re very happy for him, and we’re planning a
goodbye party for him soon. Wish you could be there for it!
Please write if you need anything. Monty and I will do everything in our power to make sure you’re safe and happy before coming home for holidays.
With love,
Effie Potter
Similar to James, she signed her name with a heart beside it. Regulus laughed, feeling his throat tighten.
He unwrapped the parcel and sampled one of the orange tarts. Instantly, he sighed. He missed her cooking. He missed Effie and Monty always being there for him and checking in on how he was doing. No one at school except for McGonagall had asked him how he was feeling.
He opened the letter from Sirius while continuing to eat the tart.
Dear Regulus,
Happy last first week back at Hogwarts! I miss you so much, you need to come home soon. I wish we could visit you at school. I’m going to write to you every single day that I can.
Did you get the orange tarts Effie made? They’re amazing. I think James and I ate around sixteen of them between us alone when she first made them.
I had an audition to be a singer for one of the pubs in town! Peter helped me because he knows the owner and plays piano there occasionally. I’m hoping to hear back soon. I’m very nervous.
Remus and I are well. He misses you a lot! So does Peter. He leaves for Berlin soon.
Why is everyone leaving?!? I hate growing up so much! I can’t stand it!
Anyways.
I love you so much. Write me back soon!
Bien à vous
Sirius
Regulus cleared his throat, willing himself not to cry but ultimately failing.
This must be what homesickness feels like. It had been an entirely unknown and foreign feeling until now. Regulus wiped at his eyes, hoping Barty wouldn't ask why he was crying.
For the first time, Regulus missed his family.