death with dignity
I forgive you mother I can hear you, and I long to be near you
But every road leads to an end
Yes every road leads to an end
Your apparition passes through me, in the willows and five red hens
You'll never see us again
You'll never see us again
('Death with Dignity' by Sufjan Stevens)
16:22. Wednesday.
"Here's your half," James said, handing Regulus half of an orange he had just peeled.
"Thank you." Regulus took it and peeled a wedge from his half. It was sweet and ripe, and the sticky juice ran down between his fingers and down his hands and was all over his face. The strong scent of citrus lingered in the air, mixed in with the sweet smell of salt and the blazing sand in the sun. Miniscule remnants of the orange peel stuck to the underside of James's nails.
"You've got a little something..." James reached out and swiped his thumb over Regulus's chin and wiped it on his shirt. "Got it."
"Oh," Regulus laughed.
"You just had a bit on your face there." James bit into one of his slices.
Regulus felt his cheeks flushed, and he knew his face was turning into a blood red. He also knew James had definitely seen it, by the way his eyes had crinkled with his smile.
"You're turning red?" James teased. "Damn, I did not expect Regulus Black to actually blush."
"Shut it! I think I'm getting sunburnt. We spend all the fucking time on the beach," Regulus argued back, albeit in a playful manner. "Surprised I'm actually tan. I never used to really get darker when I was younger. I usually just burned every time I would step outside in the sun. My face usually gets red in the sun."
"The suncream we use doesn't go away unless you actually wash it off. Nice try, but I think I might just take credit for that one." James poked Regulus's cheek, which was still extremely red.
Regulus sputtered, trying to think of a clever comeback to say. Normally he would be very quick about snapping back at someone, with wit sharper than a knife, but for some reason he couldn't think of a way to stun James with his words.
"See, I knew I was right. You're not as stoic as I thought you'd be."
"Most people find me intimidating, you know." Regulus shielded his eyes against the bright sun against his face.
"I can see that, but whatever they find intimidating, I just find kind of endearing." James clicked his tongue. "You're a softie."
"Okay, that's too far." Regulus playfully pushed James, who wrapped his arm around him in a tight embrace. Regulus could swear he felt James's lips against his hair, and the air was permeated with fresh citrus they had been eating. It sat in James's hands around him. It was too much, but Regulus just couldn't get enough of it. He felt buzzed from James's touch, even though it was purely innocent. He wanted this belief to last until the world had ended, until he had been consumed in it. He didn't want it to stop. Ever.
Shit.
He realized he needed to talk to Sirius.
22:22. Wednesday.
The fireflies softly glowed around Sirius and Remus in the garden, who were sitting on the outside sofa, curled up into each other. They weren't planning on sleeping outside, but Sirius could feel themselves grow heaver with sleep with each movement of Remus's hand through their hair. Remus adjusted the blanket around them, holding Sirius tighter, punctuating the movement with a kiss on their neck.
"That tickles," Sirius whispered.
"Oh, sorry," Remus replied.
"Do it again, love."
And Remus kissed their neck again, making Sirius giggle, so he did it again and again, setting off Sirius's laughter like a firecracker. Sirius was painfully sensitive around their neck in the best way possible, and Remus loved taking advantage of it.
"You're going to wake the entire house up. Imagine if anyone came outside and thought we were trying to--"
"Thought you two were trying to what?" A voice asked.
Remus and Sirius immediately jumped apart, almost like they had been caught guilty of hiding something, even though everybody knew they had been together for over a year and a half.
"Oh, hi, Regulus." Sirius's face was red. "Uhm...you didn't...nothing was happening."
Regulus walked over and sat on the sofa next to them, crossing his legs. Remus cleared his throat, adjusting his body to face Regulus, partially untangling himself from Sirius.
"Hi, Remus."
"Hi, Regulus." Remus bared an awkward smile, more reminiscent of a grimace.
"Okay, what do you want?" Sirius asked. Their blush had mostly cleared away, but they still made sure the blanket was covering them, or that would have caused an awkward situation that none of them wanted to be in.
"I'm..." Regulus's voice trailed off. "I don't know what's going on with me."
"Is everything okay?" Remus looked at Sirius, who looked at Regulus, studying him quizzically.
Sirius was squinting at Regulus, trying to absorb whatever Regulus was thinking. Since they were younger, Sirius was somehow always knew what he was thinking, and vice-versa. It could show up physically or even emotionally, where Regulus could subconsciously feel whatever Sirius was feeling. Even when they were fighting and separated, Sirius would often get migraines or chest pains whenever Regulus was going through something terrible or in shambles with their mother and father. There would be times they would be with Remus and everything was perfect, and Sirius would forget that their brother was going through so much, and then would be harshly reminded that things, in fact, were not perfect.
Family can, and most definitely will, haunt you, and no amount of running could save Sirius from the truth. The night would always sink into their bones and wind would blow through them. At the end of the day, Sirius and Regulus were haunted by ghosts only they would understand, carved into their skin, bringing them closer together, yet being the thing that drove them apart.
"It's nothing bad." Regulus stared back at Sirius, studying his brother's eyes. He didn't know if Sirius would be angry that Regulus liked James. He didn't want to make either of them angry. Would it be weird? Regulus had never really been with anyone who other people knew about. He wasn't exactly the type to open up about his emotions, specifically romantic or otherwise, to people-let alone his own brother.
"Oh." Sirius's face turned into a smile. "Oh! I know exactly what this is about."
"Fuck." Regulus held his face in his hands, curling into himself.
"Oh my god, I'll talk to him," Sirius playfully rolled their eyes.
"No, no, no, Merlin, please no!" Regulus uncurled himself, grabbing at Sirius's arm. "Please do not."
"What the hell are you two nattering over?" Remus asked.
"He likes James," Sirius blurted.
"Shut it!" Regulus covered their mouth with one of his hands. "He's gonna hear you."
"He's conked the fuck out, there's no way. James could sleep through a bomb dropping if you let him." Remus was playing with a strand of Sirius's hair between his fingers.
"Okay, well, he may have gotten up to get water or something, I don't know, and he hears Sirius yelling like a fucking lunatic exposing something very sensitive and private, and would come outside and see what the commotion is-"
"Regulus, I don't think it's very private anymore."
"No, because you're announcing it to the entire town!"
"I knew there was something going on with you two!" Sirius exclaimed.
"Nothing is going on, I just..." Regulus pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing. "Look, I don''t know what to do."
"Do you think he likes you too?" Remus asked.
"I don't know, he's very...He's very affectionate with everyone he comes into contact with. You know how he is."
"Do you guys hang out one on one a lot?"
"I mean," Regulus paused to think. "We go to the beach a lot."
"Does he treat you any different alone than when people are around?"
Regulus looked at Sirius, who gave him an encouraging look back.
"I'm really not sure. I don't know how all this stuff works. I mean, I don't really have experience in all that." Regulus wrung his hands out, squeezing his fingers.
"Do you think he likes you?" Sirius asked him.
"I don't know. I really don't know, and I really don't know what to do about it."
"Do you want something to come out of it?" Remus piped in.
"Like...a relationship or something?"
"Or, well, I don't know. Do you want him to like you back?"
Regulus thought about it for a second. "I don't know. I really don't. I don't know what I want or what to do, or even if I'm just being stupid. There's no way he likes me back, right? I'd be totally delusional to think that he would, right?"
"Well..." Remus trailed off. "I mean, you might have a chance, you never know."
"Isn't he straight?" Regulus questioned.
Remus and Sirius looked at each other for a solid two seconds before bursting into fits of laughter.
"Oh, please! It wasn't obvious? Like, at all?" Sirius giggled, leaning their head against Remus's shoulder. "You think Effie and Monty Potter raised a straight man?"
"He's gay?"
"Not exactly. I don't think he really defines himself with it. It's more about the person he's into, not really...what they are? If that makes any sense," Remus clarified.
"Like, he used to be in love with Lily Evans, but he kind of grew off of her, and then I think he had some hookup with this guy, but never really told us who, and then he kind of didn't really talk about anyone for a while," Sirius added. "I can ask him about you, though. I don't know if he would really tell me, but I could get it out of him for sure."
"Oh Merlin." Regulus held his face in his hands. "What have I gotten myself into?"
"That's a great question," Remus answered and kissed the side of Sirius's hair.