no shade in the shadow of the cross
I'll drive that stake through the center of my heart
Lonely vampire
Inhaling its fire
I'm chasing the dragon too far
There's blood on that blade
Fuck me, I'm falling apart
My assassin
Like Casper the ghost
There's no shade in the shadow of the cross
(‘No Shade in the Shadow of The Cross’ by Sufjan Stevens)
15:25. Monday.
Regulus carefully set the teapot, still too hot to touch onto the tray. He wished he could use his wand, but he still had another year until he was allowed to use magic outside of school. He had quickly become jealous of his friends and brother, all a year older than him, using magic to make life so much easier. Effie used magic when cooking, so she could clean dishes at the same time. Monty would turn pages of his newspaper without having to lift a finger from drinking a cup of tea in one hand and holding Effie’s in the other. Sirius and James would create fireworks and fantastical light shows all throughout the house. Whenever Remus came over, Regulus would hear them talking for a minute from outside his bedroom door and then a few seconds later, complete silence as the door was locked. He didn’t want to imagine why.
The summer holidays were soon coming to an end, and Regulus had to start packing for Hogwarts again and make his final trip to Diagon Alley to get new books. Sirius had given him some of their old uniforms. For the first time in his life, Regulus had hand-me-downs passed on to him from someone in his family. The only clothing that was his was a couple of button-down shirts he had gotten in town on a couple occasions, a Black Sabbath t-shirt, and a couple pairs of black shorts and trousers.
Regulus picked the tray up, adjusting it in his arms and headed to the backdoor. It was entirely too heavy, but it was a bit too late for him to try and get a better hold on it. He carefully made his way to the door outside, the teacups jingling against their saucers on the tray. There was a teacup that had slid dangerously close to the edge of the tray, and the saucer was halfway off. Regulus froze, realizing what he was seeing. With one hand, he tried to angle the tray so the teacup would slide towards the middle, but it toppled over. The teacup and saucer came crashing down to the ground, shattering the glass everywhere.
It went silent. Regulus’s breath quickened. He had broken one of Effie’s teacups. Oh, she would kill him. He might as well start packing his bags now. Maybe he’d write to Pandora and see if she would let him stay with her. They hadn’t talked for a while. Barty would think this was hilarious – having to leave two different households because he was such a wimp? It was a giant fucking joke!
His heart had started beating faster. It was only moments before Effie or Monty would come discover him and everything would turn into a giant shitshow. How long did he have? Could he stand here for hours? Was there a way to fix this?
He was seven.
Regulus was seven years old, and he was hiding.
The memory washed over him like a cold slap to the face. With shaking hands, the rest of the tea set fell to the floor, a screeching crash echoing throughout the house. The floor was covered in a million pieces of broken porcelain and hot water.
“Shit!”
He was done for.
He stood stone-still, now knowing what to do. He was still shaking all over. He could hear those unforgivable curses playing over and over and over in his mind. He could imagine James’s mother doing the same. Her kind face would become ice-cold. She wouldn’t spare him mercy. After all, this wasn’t really his house to begin with.
“Regulus? Holy shit, are you okay?”
Regulus was pulled back into reality when he saw James standing in the doorway where the kitchen met the stairwell.
James.
James, who he had been trying to impress and not royally fuck up in front of. What would James even see in him now? The little chance he had of anything working out between the two of them were definitely diminished now that Regulus had acted like a total klutz and broken one of his mother’s possessions. He didn’t even have the money to buy her a new tea set if she forgave him. There’s no way he and Sirius were left anything from their mother.
Regulus’s breath was frozen in his chest. He was shaking. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t sit still. He couldn’t see the facial expression his mother was making. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe. All he knew is that he had to get out of there. He couldn’t breathe. He tried to breathe.
“James, I – I’m so sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to–”
“Are you hurt? Your hand is bleeding!” James rushed over to him, taking his hand. Regulus looked down, having not even realized the giant cut on his hand and the giant red mark on his other. His hands stung like crazy. “Whew, that is one serious burn.”
“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry,” Regulus kept whispering.
“You’re worried about the tea set?” James looked around the kitchen. There were shattered remnants everywhere. Regulus gulped.
“I’m sorry.”
“Merlin’s Pants, Reg, it’s okay. You’re okay. It’s just a tea set.” James massaged the back of Regulus’s bleeding and burnt hands, and Regulus wondered why he didn’t seem to care about getting blood all over his hands.
“James, your mother’s going to–”
“Not even notice anything happened. Look. Watch this.” James took his wand out of his pocket and pointed it towards the ground where the tea set – well, where the ashes of it – lay. The pieces began to fly towards the dropped tray and reassemble themselves into the beautiful set that once was, boiling water and all. It was magically lifted and put onto the kitchen table.
Regulus let out an audible sigh.
“Let’s get you fixed up.” James cupped Regulus’s hands in one of his and tapped his wand to them. “Nothing a little magic can’t do.”
Slowly, the bleeding stopped flowing and the angry cut along his hand disappeared into a faint red line. It was still a cut, but it didn’t hurt as bad now. The burn was slowly fading into a light pink.
“My mum’s better at this, but being clumsy myself, I’ve learned a couple of her healing tricks here and there. Let’s get you a bandage.” James went into one of the cabinets, pulling out a roll of cotton bandages and two containers of healing ointments. He opened one – a green one and spread a fingerful all over the hand with the cut, massaging it into his palm. He then got reddish-orange cream from the other container and rubbed some ointment onto the burn. It slightly stung to the touch, causing Regulus to yelp and wince, but James was sure to blow on his skin to cool it down. He unrolled some of the cotton and made two bandages for Regulus, wrapping it around his hands and making sure not to apply too much pressure.
“There. You’re okay.” James didn’t let go of Regulus’s hands as he finished tucking one of the ends into itself.
“She’s going to be angry,” Regulus mumbled.
“She’s not even going to care.” James laughed. “I literally broke the tea set last week while Sirius and I were rough-housing in the kitchen, and they slammed me into the china cabinet. Trust me, you’re not the first to break it, and you certainly won’t be the last. I give it two weeks before a snitch comes flying inside and breaks it while I’m practicing for Quidditch tryouts.”
“Are you going to tell her?” Regulus asked.
“Why do you ask?”
Regulus thought about it for a moment. “I don’t know.”
James smirked, squeezing his hands. “I don’t have to. It doesn’t really matter since it’s fixed now, does it?”
“I guess not.” Regulus swallowed.
“I’ll help you carry it outside. Not that I doubt you, but your hands aren’t in the best state to be carrying something with boiling water in it anyways, so…might as well.” James whispered some spell and the tray and tea set hovered in the air near them. “Shall we?”
Regulus opened the backdoor, letting James guide the tray and tea set outside into the backyard. He landed it on the picnic table and got the water to pour into some teacups.
Regulus sat opposite of him, taking a teacup and fidgeting with the tea bag as he let it steep into the water.
“Was Sirius really upset like this whenever you two broke the tea set last week?” Regulus asked.
“A little. But it wasn’t like today. They used to get really upset at a lot of little things whenever they first started living with us. Like accidentally burning a couple of eggs. Or when a bludger hit the window.” James put a spoonful of sugar into his tea. “But, no, not really, to answer your question.”
“Hmm,” Regulus hummed. “Can I tell you a story?”
“Go ahead,” James answered, motioning towards him.
“When I was around seven years old, I accidentally broke one of my mother’s teacups. I don’t exactly remember how, but I remembered it breaking into, like, a gazillion pieces. Like now.” Regulus swallowed. “And, God, my mother was so angry. I hid under my bed until she was in my room, and then I guess I breathed a little too loud because she caught me, and…”
Regulus had fallen silent.
“You don’t have to explain if you don’t want to,” James assured him.
“No, it’s fine. I can talk about it.” Regulus took a deep breath. “Anyways, she came into my room and basically screamed at me and cursed me a lot. You know the Cruciatus Curse?”
James had a cold look upon his face. “I know it.”
“...Yeah.”
James pinched the bridge of his nose, causing his glasses to be lifted up off his face. “I know it’s going to sound so rude of me to say, but your mother was an absolute bitch. Merlin, you were seven years old, and she was using that goddamn curse on you.”
Regulus didn’t say anything.
“The more I hear about your mother, the more angry it makes me that I couldn’t have been there for you two. Regulus, I–”
“After it was over, I would always go to Sirius’s room and they would help me bandage up and we would sleep together – like in the same bed. We were really close when we were younger. I guess it was, like, a comfort thing.”
“That’s sweet.”
“I guess. We also slept in the same bed after the funeral.”
“I thought I heard them get up. Didn’t realize that was what was happening.”
“Yeah. It’s only been the one time.” Regulus looked into the trees. “Did Sirius ever talk about me? Like before I came here?”
“I mean, yes and no. They were angry about you not listening to them and joining them, and how you were like the rest of them…and then they became more angry at their parents and how they had damaged you beyond their power. Sirius really missed you, Regulus.” James took a sip of tea.
“They weren’t too happy when I showed up.”
“I think it was more shock. They didn’t know what was going on and didn’t like how you showed up unannounced.”
“Unannounced was right.” Regulus stirred a sugar cube into his tea.
“I think it was just something they had to get used to. You guys hadn't talked in around, what, two years?”
“Something like that.”
“Exactly. It took some growing pains.” James nodded.
“I’m glad we got close again. I didn’t realize how much I had missed them until now.” Regulus drank some tea. “I don’t know what I would have done without you guys. Probably be a Death Eater.”
James’s face snapped into seriousness.
“Wait, what?” He asked.
“I mean, that’s why I came here. It was the night I was supposed to get inducted and receive the Dark Mark.”
“Oh, shit. That…” James was contemplating it in his mind. “That makes a lot of sense now. I mean, I had assumed something like that, but I didn’t want to press into it, so…Wow. You were going to be a Death Eater.”
“Yep.” Regulus enunciated the ‘p’ sound. “Kind of glad I’m not.”
“I’m also glad you’re not.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“Anytime.” James flashed him a smile and shook his head after a moment. “Jesus, I don’t think I can imagine you now with a Dark Mark. It wouldn’t look good with your tan.”
“You don’t think so?” Regulus cocked his head.
“Nope. You’re a little well taken care of now to be one of those guys.”
“I guess so.” Regulus smiled into his teacup. “And I don’t think we’d get along as well as we do now.”
“Damn right about that one,” James agreed.