a beginner’s mind

('Goodbye Evergreen' by Sufjan Stevens)

7:23. Wednesday.

Regulus shifted under the warmth of the comforter, shielding his eyes from the sun's rays coming through the bedroom window. Sirius's curtains were lighter than his, but Sirius didn't seem to notice the sun rising through the windows. They were still asleep, curled up beside Regulus, one arm thrown over his chest. It was a form of protection, the same as what they would do whenever Regulus was little and Sirius would protect him from nightmares. 

Regulus closed his eyes again, trying to back to sleep. He didn't feel like moving yet because he didn't want for Sirius to wake up yet. He could feel himself drifting back into that dark daze, his mind becoming more hazy with the passing seconds.

Regulus was seven.

Regulus was seven years old, and he was knocking on his brother's door after his mother had yelled at him. He had accidentally broken one of her prized teacup because he and Sirius were playing too close to the old china cabinet. He had accidentally sent the teacup flying through the air, and it had shattered to a million pieces when it hit the doorframe with a loud clang. Everything had gone completely still and silent, and Regulus knew better than anything to run and hide before the storm began. 

During the eye of it all, Regulus was knocking on his brother's door, waiting for Sirius to open it. Sirius had promised him that he could sleep in their bed tonight--it was something the two of them would always do whenever one of them was upset. It usually happened after their mother punished them or there was a fight. It happened more often than one would think. 

Sirius greeted their brother with a tight hug after closing the bedroom door behind the both of them, promising him that it wasn't fault--that it was only a teacup. It's not his fault she was cruel to her seven-year-old child. Sirius knew that their condition was not normal for other wizards. They would see wizard families and children often playing around at the park when going out with their mother. Sirius wished that they were a part of one of those families. They always looked happy, unlike what Sirius was used to. Regulus couldn't seem to understand why he was not allowed to go into the park. He didn't understand why Sirius always went quiet whenever they walked past the park.

"Are you hurting?" Sirius asked him.

"It's not as bad as before." Regulus showed Sirius the back of his ankles, where there were red several marks on top of some faded scars--scars from other punishments. 

"I stole some of her healing cream."

"It's okay, really. They don't hurt that bad anymore. It's fine, Sirius." Regulus walked over to Sirius's bed and climbed under the blankets. 

"Are you sure?" 

Regulus was lying. And Sirius could tell. Sirius simply shook their head, bending down to apply some of the healing ointment to Regulus's ankles.

"You can't lie to me like that. It's not okay."

"It's fine, Sirius..." Regulus's voice trailed off, leaving the dark state of mind he was in behind.

Regulus was seven.

Regulus was seven.

Regulus was seven.

Regulus was seven.

Regulus was seven.

...

Regulus wasn't seven anymore.

"Hey, you're okay. You're okay," a voice beside him was whispering. Regulus still had his eyes closed. He quickly opened them and felt Sirius's fingers stroking his cheek, wiping away a tear. Regulus didn't know he had been crying or how long he had been crying for.

"It's fine, Sirius." Regulus was seven again.

"Look, I had these all the time whenever I first moved in with the Potters. They'll go away. I promise. It's okay to feel them. It'll only get worse if you don't." Sirius wiped their hand on the blanket. "I think breakfast will be ready in a few minutes."

"I'm gonna go shower," Regulus said, climbing out of bed.

----------

11:29. Wednesday.

"Hey! This one looks exactly like your eyes!" James handed Regulus a piece of light blueish-grey seaglass, pressing it into his hand. Regulus lifted it up into the sunlight. James wasn't wrong. It was a very accurate shade.

The two of them had decided to go on a mid-morning walk down the beach, when James had insisted they look for seashells, sea creatures that had washed up on the shore, and other treasures among the sand. So far, James had collected some empty shells, a few sand dollars, a couple rocks, and some sea glass. He was also adamant about picking up trash along the shore and leaving the place better than he found it. He talked about something called 're-bicycling' or something along the lines of it. He'd sort the trash into different colored metal bins, depending on what he was throwing away.

Regulus knew he was somewhat infatuated with James, but he had absolutely no clue on how to deal with it or if Sirius had talked to him, or if Sirius even knew, or what would happen if James were to like him back--which probably was not possible because why would James like Regulus back? It's not like Regulus had any redeeming qualities in him or as if he was even worth dating--and Regulus didn't know if he was fully ready to be in a relationship. He had never really had a real, long-lasting relationship. He and his friend Barty had a situationship type of dynamic for a while, where they would sometimes talk about if they liked each other or whatnot, and they had kissed exactly once at a party, but nothing past that. And Regulus hadn't really felt that way about someone in a while. Not even with Barty. He wasn't the type to instantly fall head-over-heels in love with someone as soon as he lays eyes on them or be attracted to them in any capacity. It took time, and often, it was months of ruminating over his feelings for a person before he realizes that there's something more than just an 'I just want to be friends with you' vibe going on inside his brain.

And somehow, James had squeezed his way through the spirals, and Regulus had to admit that he was feeling some not-so-platonic feelings for James.

James wouldn't like him back, though. No. Never. Never ever. Never in a million years. Because Regulus knew James wasn't into guys, or if he was, probably not guys like Regulus. And he probably wouldn't go for his best friend's brother either.

Oh, but that stupid and goofy and slightly lopsided and bright-eyed grin on James's face likes to make Regulus play such a conceivable fool for anyone who dared look at him.

He picked up a smooth stone, deep brown and crimson with stripes of blue and gold throughout it. Regulus knew James would go absolutely insane for it.

"Look what I found." He called James over, who came quickly to inspect what Regulus was holding. "This one is pretty."

"Oh my God, that is gorgeous." James looked up into Regulus's face. "Really gorgeous."

It took everything inside of Regulus not to burst into a giant coughing fit right there. The nerve of that cheeky, cheeky, man!

"How are you feeling about...uhm...everything, if I can ask?" James asked with a wince on his face. He sat down on the sand and motioned Regulus to sit next to him. 

"Well, she's still dead." Regulus answered, matter-of-fact. He sat next to James.

James laughed, flashing Regulus one of those stupidly charming 'James Potter' grins at him. "I think Sirius seemed to be in a good mood at breakfast. I didn't know how they'd sleep last night. How did you sleep?"

"Not any worse than usual."

"You're funny."

"I'm not really trying to be." Regulus closed his eyes and listened to the ocean waves tumbling towards the shore. Ever since he came to the Potters, he found peace being at the seaside, and he knew he'd miss it a lot going back to Hogwarts. The constant rushing of water outside his bedroom window acted almost as a somnolent. The warm sunshine had become a morning greeting for him, and for once, Regulus actually looked forward to getting out of bed and drawing open the curtains. He had finally patched things with Sirius. He had gained noticeable weight--not in a bad way, but he didn't see his ribs in his reflection anymore, and James's old clothing didn't feel so oversized. And he never felt like passing out whenever he ran down the shores. His skin was a couple shades darker due to always being outside on the beach playing Quidditch or lounging around in the Potters' backyard. His hair was short and the days were long and filled with fresh oranges and lemons and blueberries. 

"Did Sirius ever talk about me. in school?" Regulus asked, opening his eyes.

"Sometimes, yeah. They talked about how you guys were close, but then started drifting a lot. And then whenever they left, it was bad...I'm sure you can imagine."

"Tell me anyways."

"Well," James paused. "They had sleeping problems. Just couldn't get to sleep. We figured out that it was because they needed physical touch in order to fall asleep easy. We took turns getting in bed with them, sometimes it was all of us together in their bed. Although it was mostly Remus. I think Remus helped a lot of their problems."

"They're lucky to have him," Regulus said.

"Yeah, they are. God, I'd kill for a relationship like theirs. Wouldn't you?" James was smiling, looking over at Regulus, hands clasped around his knees.

"It would be nice." Regulus nodded. "I don't think anyone would like me like that, if I'm being completely honest."

"What?" James cocked his head.

"Well, you know, I'm, like...I'm a very complicated person. I'm bad at talking about my feelings when I need to. And I keep secrets. And I'm bitter and insufferable. And I crave affection, but the thought of someone actually giving it to me makes me want to throw up. And I'm never satisfied with anything. And I didn't have a normal childhood. I was the good kid, and it got me absolutely nothing. I'm broken. And I know I act mental sometimes, but I swear I'm fine." Regulus trailed off. "I don't think I was really meant for a love like that."

"You're unbelievable," James scoffed.

"Huh?"

"You know, you sit here, and you're telling me about how no one would ever want to be around you or love you or anything, but you sound absolutely ridiculous. None of us think we're 'made for love' until we realize it's consumed us. Or we're drowning in it. Or..." James paused, trying to think of the right words to say.

He couldn't.

Instead he reached out and tucked a piece of Regulus's hair behind his ears.

"I think you sell yourself extremely short. I couldn't name a single person who doesn't enjoy being around you. Genuinely." James's hand lingered on his hair, moving downwards to the back of his neck. It sent chills up Regulus's neck and towards into his hair. "Sometimes..."

James fell completely silent. Regulus couldn't figure out why. James had moved his hand to clasp Regulus's. 

In the beginning, Regulus hated being touched, but he had gotten used to it. He saw the way James loved other people through his hands and the warmth that came from them. He leaned into the touch, even missed it when it was gone. James was holding his hand, running his thumb over Regulus's skin. Regulus shifted closer to him. He didn't know why. He didn't know what made James so encaptivating. He was almost like a siren. He lured the ones he loved in, only to actually be true and genuine and love them endlessly, almost like the ocean. Sure, James had what people said was a 'big head', but they don't know that he also has the heart to match it and more love than people could imagine in it.

"What is it?" Regulus asked.

"Sometimes when I look at you you, and you're looking back at me, I can see something. This teeny-tiny hint of something more, something we're feeling but can't say..." James traced their intertwined fingers with his free hand. 

"What do you mean?"

"It's like...when our eyes meet, it's almost like we're instantly connected. And I know no one catches it but me and you, but I like it that way. It's like our own little thing, you know?" He was looking into Regulus's face. "God, your eyes are gorgeous. I can't get them out of my head."

"Oh." Regulus blinked.

"I like talking to you. And being around you. And when you smile. And when you laugh. It's really nice...It's really nice to see you happy. It looks good on you." James was smiling. 

Regulus was silent. He just stared at James, totally at lost for words. 

"Are you okay? Did I go too far?" James asked, concerned.

"No, no, I just..." Regulus could feel his mind completely blank. How the hell was he supposed to respond to this? James complementing him to shreds? 

"Regulus?"

"I'm sorry, I'm just at a loss for words." Regulus shook his head. "I really appreciate it a lot. You're very kind."

"Oh," and Regulus could swear he saw a hint of a blush creep across James's cheeks. "Thank you."

"Thank you." Regulus squeezed his hand. 

The two of them looked at each other for an awkward moment before bursting into a fit of laughter. 

"I'm really glad I met you, Regulus," James said after a while.

"I'm glad I met you too," Regulus smiled.

They stared at the ocean, hand in hand, moving closer to one another until James was leaning on Regulus shoulder, and he could feel the soft breath of James on his neck. It sent goosebumps down his spine, made him feel like he wanted more. He wanted James's hands to be all over him, holding his own, on his waist, in his hair. He wanted that tight proximity from James, and for James to want him as much as Regulus did. Desperately. He wanted James to shiver from his touch, to say his name over and over and over, breathless and shaky, like a prayer.

He wanted James as much as the sun.

They sat in silence until James asked him if he wanted an orange.