all the trees of the field will clap their hands
If I am alive this time next year
Will I have arrived in time to share?
And mine is about as good this far
And I'm still applied to what you are
(‘All the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Hands’ by Sufjan Stevens)
11:39. Friday.
Dear Regulus,
My brother told me something bad had happened and you had gone missing. He heard from Barty about it, but Barty didn’t tell him exactly what had happened. I was wondering if you would write. I’m glad you contacted me.
The last thing I heard was that your parents gave up on looking for you. They had sent out a magical search team to try and find you, but when it was more than 48 hours into the search, they decided you had betrayed them, and if you were coming back, you would have done it by then. You’re not underage anymore, so there’s no real legal repercussions.
I’m also relieved to know that you are safe somewhere. I know the Potters are good people. I won’t tell anyone where you are, as long as you promise to keep writing me. Keep me updated about anything.
I don’t know what next year is going to look like, but if things truly are different and no one supports you, just know that you always have me in your corner. I’m done trying to choose a side in this stupid society. I just want you to be okay. You’re my best friend. I can’t lose you.
Write me back soon.
Yours,
Pandora Rosier
Regulus placed the letter on top of the notes he had exchanged with James. He ran his fingers through his hair, noting to himself that he really needed to get it cut or else he would have to fight the urge to scream very loudly every time he looked at himself in the mirror.
He needed to tell Sirius.
Regulus still hadn’t talked to Sirius about anything other than small talk. It wasn’t like before, when they talked about anything and everything, even the most meaningless topics. Regulus doesn’t know if it’ll ever be like before again.
Regulus mostly had hung out in his room or in the kitchen downstairs or in James’s father’s office where he could read from the library they had. Sirius was always with James, whether they were in the kitchen loudly talking, tossing around Quaffles and Bludgers on the beach, walking down to the ice cream shop with Remus and Peter, or in James’s room, laughing until past midnight. The four of them were inseparable. Regulus wanted to be a part of them, but he just didn’t know them that well. Sometimes they had included him in their plans, dragging him along to the beach or the ice cream shop, but Regulus always felt like an intruder. Sirius and Remus were always talking to each other, or flirting, sharing a strawberry ice cream cone. Half of the time Remus’s brother came along with them, but he usually just talked with Peter.
Sometimes, Regulus would be staring into space, drinking his iced coffee on the sand, just watching the waves when James would ask him about his opinion on the subject matter the others were talking about. Regulus would always feel dazed and stupid because he liked his solitude thinking. He liked tapping out of the conversation and listening to the waves crash against the shore, the screeching cries of seagulls flying over them, grabbing at crabs and shells below.
It did, however, completely catch him off guard when Sirius had made a point to walk beside him when everyone was going to find a bin to put their coffee cups in.
“How are you?” They asked him.
“Perfectly well.” It wasn’t sarcasm, but that was sometimes how Regulus’s voice came across. He didn’t mean for it to sting. Sirius knew this. They knew his words weren’t always meant to be daggers. “My hair is getting too long. I hate it.”
“Do you want me to cut it for you?” Sirius offered. They used to cut Regulus’s hair for him when they were younger because their mother hated taking them to a salon. She always thought that their hair should be kept long, untouched, pure. So, every three months, Regulus would ask his brother to cut his hair for him. Their mother would always fuss, but Regulus learned to tune her opinions out because it was worth it to spend time with Sirius.
That being, until Sirius had run away from Grimmauld Place. Then Regulus had to figure out something new.
He stared at himself in the mirror.
Too long.
Too long, too long, too long.
Regulus tugged at his hair.
It itched the back of his neck where it fell past his shoulders. His bangs had grown out too long. They were always on his face, just short enough to where they could not be tucked away behind his ears.
It had been three months since Sirius had left. His hair had grown too much. He needed Sirius. He needed his brother to cut his hair. He needed Sirius back and for everything to be okay and for things to be normal again and for Sirius to be back and for his hair to be shorter and for Sirius to be back and for Sirius to come home again and for Sirius to take the scissors from the bathroom and cut his hair and for Sirius to be home and for everything to go back to the way it was before.
The scissors were in Regulus’s hands before he knew what he was getting himself into.
He stared blankly in the mirror, holding the scissors up to a lock of dark, ebony hair.
Regulus cut the lock just past his fingertips, watching as it fell into the sink, blending into the black below him. Everything went blurry. Hot tears filled his eyes. He dropped the scissors, and they fell with aloud clatter against the counter and onto the floor near his feet. He couldn’t do it.
He needed Sirius to do this for him.
He needed his brother.
He was sixteen and he needed his brother back.
Regulus wasn’t sixteen anymore.
Almost a year and a half had passed since he had failed his weak attempt to cut his hair for the first time. During the time he wasn’t around Sirius, he would beg either of his friends Pandora or Dorcas to cut his hair for him, but it wasn’t the same. He missed how Sirius helped him wash it, and Sirius talking about whatever muggle artist they were listening to, and their friends. Even when things between them were strained, Regulus could show up at Sirius’s door with a pair of scissors in hand, and Sirius always knew what to do with them.
“We could do it tonight in the bathroom if you’d like,” Sirius said. “There’s a pair of scissors under the sink.”
“Okay, then.”
“Okay.”
Neither of them said anything for a little while. They walked in silence behind their—behind Sirius’s friends. Regulus didn’t know if he was allowed to call them his friends yet. He supposed he possibly because he was living with one of them and another one of them knew one of his most guarded secrets—although it was something he wanted to confess to more people soon. He hated the feeling of hiding it behind his heart.
Sirius moved to walk more in the water, letting the waves softly crash at their feet. They laughed, the wind whipping through their curls, gleaming under the sunlight. Remus turned around from where he had been walking with James and made his way over towards his partner. They were both laughing about something Regulus didn’t overhear, and suddenly Sirius had scooped Remus up, carrying him bridal-style while kissing all over his face.
“Sirius! Put me down!” Remus was laughing. “Sirius!”
“What about your hip?” Sirius asked. “I can carry you if it’s bothering you.”
“My hip is fine! Merlin, you’re always so worried about me.” Remus adjusted himself in Sirius’s arms, struggling to figure out what he should do with his cane.
“Somebody has to be.” Sirius pressed another kiss to the corner of his mouth. Regulus turned his face away. While he did love his brother and their partner, he did not want to watch them kiss and act so much like a couple all the time.
“Sirius!” Remus shouted, laughing loudly. He was out of breath, cheeks slightly pink from being kissed both by the sun and by Sirius. “I can walk perfectly fine, thank you very much.”
“What’s the point of loving you if I can’t carry you though?” Sirius smiled down at their partner.
“You’re so ridiculous.”
“You’re so gorgeous,” Sirius whispered back into his ear.
Remus pulled Sirius’s face down into a kiss, threading his fingers through their dark hair. He folded up his cane, wrapping a cord attached to it around so it would not become undone. Sirius didn’t seem to mind that the waves were hitting the hemline of their shorts. They were too enthralled in spinning the both of them around, arms tight around Remus’s body, so they wouldn’t drop him.
Regulus was just a little ways ahead of them, minding his own business. He was looking down at the water coming in, washing over the sand and shells.
“You get used to it.”
Regulus looked up to see James standing next to him, a kind smile illuminating his face.
“I think they’re nice together,” Regulus replied.
“Have you ever loved anyone?” James asked.
Suddenly, the air around Regulus grew very cold and very hot at the same time. His heart was beating rather loudly in his chest. His mouth was dry. The sun was in his eyes, and he had to squint in order to look at James properly.
“Maybe I have,” he said, shielding his hand above his eyes. “But I don’t really kiss and tell.”
“That’s fair,” James let out a laugh. “And here I thought I was beginning to know you.”
“Well, you don’t.” Regulus hadn’t meant to snap at James, but the words were already out of his mouth before he could really stop them from leaving his brain. James looked taken aback, his eyebrows slightly raised in defense.
Shit. Regulus had ruined it. He had ruined the mood. Ruined any chance he might have had at being friends, or at least friendly, with his brother’s best friend. And the person whose roof he was living under.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me, I’m sorry,” Regulus repeated it over and over. He was drowning, walls around him crashing. He couldn’t find anything to hold onto. Something in James’s face seemed to soften, and he gave Regulus a small smile.
“Hey, it’s okay. I get it. Don’t worry about it,” James reassured him. “And, I mean, you’re right. I don’t really know you. But I’d like to. I think you’re really intelligent.”
“I’m not.”
“Don’t lie to me. You’re insanely smart, Regulus. And you’re talented as hell on the Quidditch pitch. And your brother is my best friend, so maybe I’m a little biased.” James winked at him. Regulus scoffed, shaking his head.
“You’re a flirt, Potter.”
“It’s just how I am.”
They walked together in the sunlight, following their friends back to their houses, and James offered fresh lemonade and tea and biscuits and scones his mother had made, in the backyard, under one of the orange trees.
22:17. Friday.
“What do you want it to look like? Just how I usually cut it?” Sirius asked. Sirius and Regulus were sitting in the bathroom, Regulus in the bathtub and Sirius on the ledge.
“What about shorter?” Regulus touched the back of his neck to indicate to Sirius where he wanted his hair.
“Are you sure? You’ve never had it that short before.” Sirius bit their lip.
“Yes, I’m completely sure. I want it to be short. It’s time to change it up.”
Sirius paused before speaking again. They put the scissors on the counter next to the bathtub. Taking a lock of Regulus’s hair in their hands and slowly twirling it, they said to Regulus, “Look, I don’t know if you’re wanting a big change because of what happened, but I want to make sure that you know that this…” They paused.
“What do you mean?” Regulus asked.
“I don’t want you to hate me for saying this, but if the only reason you’re wanting to change your haircut is because you’re away from our mother, and you want to do something drastic, I won’t stop you, but I just want to tell you that doing things like this can be dangerous. Like, doing things only because they would piss off our mother,” Sirius said in a quiet voice. “Believe me, some of the things you might be tempted to do are very much not worth it in the grand scheme of things, Regulus.”
“I’m not just doing this because of her. I’m my own person, and I just want a different haircut for once,” Regulus replied. “This has nothing to do with her.”
“Can I ask why, then? You’ve always been so particular about how I cut your hair. Why change things now?”
Regulus went quiet. It was almost now or never. He swallowed hard, trying to figure out how to put what exactly he wanted to say into the words Sirius would understand.
“Sirius…” Regulus trailed off. His brain wasn’t working. “Listen…I…Look, I just, I don’t know how to.”
“You can tell me like this.” Sirius had switched to French. “Then, no one will be able to understand. None of the Potters speak French…or not that I know of.”
“Are you sure?” Regulus asked. Sirius nodded. Regulus nodded in return, scratching the side of his head.
“Tell me.” Sirius’s eyes were frighteningly blue, almost the color of a glacier. They were the same set of eyes their mother wore. Regulus had them too, but they were more vibrant on Sirius’s face.
“I’m transgender. I am your brother.”
The words were out before Regulus could control them. After saying it, he clapped a hand over his mouth. Sirius did not seem to show a reaction, at first at least. Their face remained neutral, eager, patient.
And then they smiled. They took the scissors off the counter of the bathroom.
“I think this new haircut will suit you perfectly.”