enchanting ghost
It's only that I meant to bring
Love and liveliness to your breast on the scene
Mm-mmm
Did you cut your hands on me?
Are my edges sharp? Am I a pest to feed?
('Enchanted Ghost' by Sufjan Stevens)
00:01. Saturday.
"Do you like it?" Sirius asked their brother.
The two of them were standing in front of the mirror. Sirius was twisting a lock of Regulus's hair in their fingers into a curl, gently setting it by his ear. His hair was still slightly damp from when Sirius had washed it from him. It was shorter now--instead of the curls going barely past his chin, he had shorter sides, and his bangs fell on either side of his forehead, a curtain around his face. He looked more like himself--more like the vision of himself he could see in his head. The mirror reflected who he really was now and not some distorted combination of his mother and father and brother's faces compiling together.
"Yes," Regulus answered. "Thank you."
Sirius nodded in return, adjusting another piece of Regulus's hair.
He looked at his brother's reflection smiling at him in the mirror. He wanted to hug Sirius but did not think Sirius wanted to hug him. It had been probably a year or two at this point since the two of them had hugged. When the two of them were younger, they were practically inseparable. Sirius always had a watchful eye or hand around Regulus. They held hands while exploring the attic together with an enchanted lantern from the hallway outside Sirius's bedroom door--something their mother had forbidden them to do. Sirius had their arm around Regulus when they walked down the streets of Dragon Alley for the first time. They linked pinkies for promises, high-fived for the small victories, and Sirius would always braid Regulus's hair because he hated having it in his face.
"Are you going to tell James and his parent about being transgender?" Sirius asked in French.
"I think I will tomorrow. At breakfast. Are you sure that they will be okay with it?"
Sirius sighed, twisting another one of Regulus's curls. They were insistent upon fixing every stray strand of his hair, even though he was about to go to bed and probably ruin some of the curls in his sleep. "They would never ever, ever, say anything negative about who you are. Or who you choose to love. I was scared to tell them I was non-binary because I didn't know how, like, how adults would react, but they were very insistent on learning more about it. And they always use my pronouns correctly. I don't think I've ever heard either of them mess up. They also love Peter and accepted him. And they know Marlene is also like me. They're literally some of the best people you can tell." Sirius smiled. "And if they tell you anything otherwise, I promise that we will both run away to somewhere else together."
Regulus felt a smile creep up on his face.
"But I doubt that would happen." They had switched back to English. Whenever Sirius was adjusting back to speaking English, their accent always sounded a bit wobbled; there were always remnants of French pronunciation within their words. Sometimes their accent was stronger when they were sleepy or angry or speaking very fast or when they spoke certain words. Regulus's accent was stronger, you could hear echoes of it in almost everything Regulus spoke. Back at Grimmauld Place, Regulus would only speak French to his parents. He spoke a mix of English and French to Sirius, but it depended on what Sirius was saying. They hadn't spoke French to each other since back when Sirius left.
"Thank you again." Regulus swallowed.
"Am I the first person you've told?" Sirius asked.
"I told Peter. He is also transgender, so..." Regulus trailed off. "I wanted to tell you, but I didn't know how you would react. And we still weren't really speaking. Or at least, we weren't as much. It was still weird."
"I'm sorry," Sirius said.
"You don't have to be."
"I still am. I didn't have any reason to be angry at you. You're just..." Sirius paused. "I can't blame you for staying in there. I can't imagine how upset you must have felt whenever I left. I can't imagine what it was like to be alone in that house. I mean, things were hard. Our parents didn't know how to be parents. But, like, we always had each other whenever things got bad. And then I left."
"It's okay."
"I left you just, like, a day after your birthday, Regulus, it wasn't okay. I wish you could have come with me. I wish we hadn't fought. I'll never forgive myself for it."
"I'm here now." Regulus reached behind him, touching Sirius's arm. Sirius looked down at where Regulus was touching their forearm, then averting their gaze back up to Regulus's eyes. Their eyes were blue, like their mother's and the sky and ice covering a frozen ocean. Regulus felt his throat tighten. He loved his brother and had missed them. It was painful trying to be the things he could not. The hole in his life could not be replaced, not even by the pride his family had given him by staying. And he had them now and no family pride. Things were like the way they were, except different now. Maybe it's better. Regulus didn't know yet.
Regulus pulled his hand away from Sirius's arm, drawing it back to himself.
"I think I'm going to bed. Thank you again for cutting my hair. And for letting me come out to you."
Sirius pushed a lock of Regulus's hair out of his face. "I'm proud of you, brother."
Regulus smiled and left the bathroom.
------
08:52. Saturday.
"Your hair!" James shouted as Regulus came down the stairs that next morning. The glass doors of the kitchen were open, letting in bright streams of sunlight into the kitchen. It was warm; the summer sun was already doing its job so early in the morning.
"You don't like it?" Regulus asked, touching the top of his curls.
"Never said that, did I?" He smirked. Regulus playfully rolled his eyes.
Regulus sat a chair away from James at the breakfast table. Mr. Potter was on the other side of James, drinking a cup of some sort of reddish-maroon tea. Regulus suspected it was Hibiscus tea, since the garden had Hibiscus flowers growing. Mrs. Potter was bringing some of those flowers in from the garden, placing them in a vase on the center of the table. There was a pan of a blueberry and lemon toast bake with some sort of orange glaze drizzled upon it and flecks of lavender and mint leaves. There were sausages and bowls of fresh fruits, picked right out of the Potters' garden in the backyard. Sirius came into the room, picked a blackberry from one of the bowls and ate it as they sat in between James and Regulus. Mrs. Potter handed them all plates, and they began to pass the dishes around, distributing helpings of breakfast around to each other. Sirius summoned a bottle of orange juice mixed in with pineapple from the refrigerator and fixed glasses of it for everyone.
"If you mind me asking, do you usually cut your hair that short, or is it a new look? Either way, I think it suits you very well." Mrs. Potter sat beside Regulus, unfolding her napkin to put in her lap and taking a glass of juice from Sirius.
Regulus glanced over towards Sirius. Sirius gave him a smile and short nod. They were sitting back down now, cutting a pear open to share it with James.
"Well. Uhm. It's sort of a new look, but I think I like it better than how it was before. I like it shorter." Regulus swallowed, taking a deep breath. "I kind of, uhm..."
Regulus felt Sirius's hand grab his from under the table. Sirius gave it a squeeze. You've got this, they were telling him.
"I think the new look is more masculine. And I'm..." He went quiet, trying to read on the others' expressions around him. James had a look of eagerness and excitement. Mrs. Potter's face was kind. Mr. Potter was attentive. "I'm transgender. And I've known for a while, it's just, like, now is when I can finally so something about it because our parents weren't really cool with that type of stuff."
His heart was beating faster than anything he had ever known. The Potters had to be accepting towards him--there's almost no way they couldn't be. It was just a jarring experience to come out to multiple people at once. Regulus looked over towards Mrs. Potter, hoping for any kind of reaction. He couldn't take the three seconds of silence that had passed since he had spoken last.
"I think that's wonderful," Mrs. Potter was beaming at Regulus. Regulus could feel the genuine kindness behind her eyes as she briefly lay a hand on his shoulder. "And you know that if you ever need anything, you can always tell us."
"Yeah, we're always going to be here for you and support you, no matter what." Mr. Potter took a sip of his tea.
"And if anyone gives you any shit about it--Sorry, Mum--you let us know," James had chimed in, looking into Regulus's eyes. The sun's beams were shining very brightly, reflecting off his shoulders.
Regulus looked over towards Sirius, who was still squeezing his hand. Sirius's eyes were slightly watery. They rubbed their thumb back and forth on Regulus's hand. Proud. Glad things were a new kind of normal.
This was peace.
It was a new kind of sunlight Regulus hadn't really experienced until now--for so long he had kept his guard up, built walls upon walls of darkened brick, living in a pitch-black cave of his own misery. He would not let anyone into the sea of blackness he surrounded himself in. He had been drowning for years, struggling to swim and to stay afloat on top of every wave that would crash around him and attempt to pull him under.
That being until the hands of his brother and their best friend had reached out and pulled him both to shore, paddling their way across the dark sea, lanterns faintly glowing against the water. Regulus didn't understand how he was being saved, but he knew he liked the feeling of being able to breathe freely and the way his muscles felt after not having to constantly tread water. The walls had been town down, the cave was now bare and Regulus was adjusting his eyes to the warmth and the sunlight gleaming around the three of them.
Things were okay. Things were going to be okay. The summer would last forever here, the sunshine gleaming through the kitchen healing both of the brothers. The waves could help wash away all of the burdened memories they carried with them to this house, the family they once had. The peach and orange and lemon trees in the backyard of the Potters' house signaled to both of them that this was indeed the forever home. They could both grow old in this side of the country, living with James and his family. Sirius and Remus could be happy for forever in their own world, and Regulus would figure out what type of person he really is and how to unlearn everything his parents had taught him and his brother. And they would be happy.
This was the summer that things would get better.