should have known better
I should have wrote a letter
And grieve what I happen to grieve
My black shroud
I never trust my feelings
I waited for the remedy
(‘Should Have Known Better’ by Sufjan Stevens.)
09:39 Saturday.
They were sitting on the blanket Remus had been reading on. Sirius was nursing their head with an ice-pack while Regulus still held the towel to his nose. He was pretty sure it had stopped bleeding a while ago, but he didn’t want to risk anything.
And the towel also felt nice against Regulus’s face, and it smelled like fresh lavender, citrus, and spearmint, where it wasn’t covered in his blood.
Sirius laid down, placing their ice pack across their forehead and covering their eyes.
Regulus joined them.
He wasn’t sure if Sirius wanted him there. They hadn’t spoken to him since breakfast that morning when they had argued—or really whenever Sirius had confronted him, and Regulus had not answered them.
There wasn’t a better time than the present.
“Sirius.”
Regulus had spoken. His voice felt rough and scratchy and sounded hoarse. It had stung whenever he had spoken for the first time since last night.
Sirius lifted the ice pack, slightly turning their head towards him.
“I want to talk.”
“What do you want to talk about?”
Regulus shifted, chewing the inside of his lip. He played with the hem of his Pulp Fiction t-shirt James had lended him.
“I want to talk about why I’m here. What happened.” Regulus’s voice was shaky.
“Was it something with our parents?” Sirius asked.
Regulus nodded.
“What happened?”
“Uhm. Well.” Regulus didn’t know how to begin. “Last night was supposed to be, uhm…”
Sirius gave him a questioned look.
“Well, you know how I’m going into seventh year?”
“Yes. Is this going where I think this is going?”
“Well, our parents were throwing a dinner party with some of our friends—our parents’ friends and a lot of family. And I thought it was just one of their dinner party, I really did. I didn’t think it would turn into…” Regulus’s voice trailed off. “It got bad.”
“Regulus.” Sirius said in a concerning voice. They sat up. Regulus followed suit, putting the towel beside him. His nose wasn’t bleeding anymore.
Regulus didn’t know how to explain. He didn’t know if he had the words to properly explain everything. And he didn’t want to think about what had happened. What had almost happened. What he didn’t know he was getting himself into.
“Regulus, what happened?” They asked again, eyes staring straight through Regulus.
“They were going to give me the mark, Sirius,” Regulus answered in a very low voice. He didn’t want the others to overhear anything and think he was traitor. That he was some sort of Slytherin Black Family Member scum. He might come off that way at a first glance and interaction, but deep down, Regulus was more similar to his brother than anything. They were both raised in the fucked-up sort of way that leaves you permanently bruised and scarred for life.
“That’s what the dinner was for. That’s why we had company. They wanted to give me the mark before I went into seventh year. It was the celebrating of tradition and ritual.”
Sirius was silent. Regulus could feel his heart racing. He couldn’t read Sirius’s expressions. He didn’t know what Sirius was thinking exactly about.
“Did you get it?” They asked after a beat.
“No. I didn’t want to. I couldn’t explain to them that I didn’t want the mark. I tried making the excuse that I wasn’t ready yet, but they wouldn’t hear about it. They thought if the heir wasn’t going to be you, it would have to be me. I would have to step up for you and wear the honor of our family around my shoulders. I couldn’t do it.”
“And so you ran?”
“I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know where else to go, Sirius.” Regulus’s voice cracked. He could feel prickling behind his eyes. He didn’t want to cry, especially in front of everyone. He had already broken that barrier with James, though.
“They used the curse on you, didn’t they?” Sirius’s eyes were dark, eyebrows furrowed.
Regulus fell silent.
“I hate them. I hate them so fucking much. You’re just a kid. You’re just a kid, Regulus.” Sirius sniffed. Regulus looked over at them, seeing hot and angry tears streaming down their face, cheeks red and blotchy.
“Look. It’s okay now. I got out of there. So did you.”
“It doesn’t mean it’s okay. It’s not okay.” Sirius held their face in their hands. “It wasn’t fair. They shouldn’t have done that. You were just a kid.”
“We were both just kids.”
Sirius went silent again.
Neither of them spoke. They sat and listened to the sounds of the waves rolling in and pushing against the sand, the tide pulling numerous shells back out into the blue. Sirius sniffed, wiping their nose against their sleeve. Regulus wondered if he should hug them, or at least reach out and touch his brother’s shoulder, but he didn’t. He didn’t know if they were at that point yet. They had only just started talking. They still had lots of things to discuss and work through.
Up above the two of them, the game was still on and going. Mary and Remus had been assigned to find the snitch since both of the Black brothers that were previously looking for the snitch were out of commission at the moment.
Mary found it, of course, as she was the Gryffindor seeker. Remus had been so focused working out some of the tricks and kinks on his makeshift broom, that he had actually missed it he snitch when it had flown right past his nose.
The game ended, and everyone was on the ground again. Remus transformed his broom back into a cane and walked over to where Sirius and Regulus were sitting on the beach blanket and sat beside Sirius, laying his head on their shoulder.
Remus and Sirius had been together for a while, almost two years at this point if you counted the months they snuck around behind everyone else. Regulus liked them as a couple, and he was happy to see his brother treated well and loved by someone else. And Remus was a very good partner for them. Remus knew how to balance Sirius out and bring them down back to Earth if they got too much inside their head or overwhelmed or panicked. Remus was kind and patient, and Regulus knew he was going to be the one for Sirius. And they’d be happy.
“How was it?” Sirius asked Remus.
“I see why you lot like it now,” Remus kissed their cheek. “Maybe I’ll try to play more often when my hip isn’t doing so bad. It was really fun.”
“I’m so glad you had fun, Moony,” Sirius ran their fingers through his hair, gently combing his wind-tangled curls.
Marlene fake-gagged, only quitting whenever Mary gave them a playful tap on the arm.
“Get used to it, Regulus. They’re like this all the time.” Peter playfully rolled his eyes. Regulus nodded. “Can’t keep their damn hands off each other.”
“You’re jealous,” Sirius blew a kiss at him, winking. “You’re just jealous because you’re lonely and bitter about being single, Wormy.”
“Hey, I don’t know who you’ve been talking to, but I’m definitely not lonely and I get around plenty.” Peter emphasized the word ‘plenty’.
“Oh yeah?” Remus laughed.
“You’d never believe it,” Peter retorted.
Regulus looked over at Peter to see his eyes had widened and his freckled cheeks had turned slightly pink. Regulus didn’t know if it was out of embarrassment or something else. He couldn’t really assume anything because he didn’t actually know Peter. He didn’t know any of them really, even Sirius. Well he knew Sirius, but not the newer version of them who looked a lot happier and a lot healthier.
“How are you guys feeling?” James asked Regulus and Sirius.
“Fine. I think Regulus’s nose stopped bleeding a little while ago. Right?” Sirius loved over to him.
“I feel okay now,” Regulus answered. He was surprised he could actually use his voice. James hadn’t expected it though, so he had a semi-shocked look plastered on his face. He wanted to say something, perhaps tell Regulus how happy it made him that he could talk again.
“Good.”
“I’m sorry I got blood all over your towel,” Regulus touched the bloody towel in his hands, feeling the soft fabric. He touched the edges of the blanket, lightly tugging at the ends that had slightly frayed out from tears of use and love and washes. He wanted something like it. He wanted to keep it for himself and hold the sweet scent to his nose and the texture of the cloth to his face.
“It’s fine, it’ll come out.” James smiled at him. Regulus could feel his chest fill with warmth. He couldn’t smile back though, not yet. Instead, he nodded, and looked down at the golden sand next to him.
“James, did you bring sandwiches?” Marlene asked. “I’m starving.”
“Just for you,” James dug in his beach bag sitting in between Sirius and Regulus and tossed them all a bundle of tin foil filled with different sandwiches, labeled with people’s names on them. He handed one to Regulus, but instead of his full name, James had written R.A.B. on it. Regulus scoffed. James didn’t even know him that well, but he knew how to humor him. “I didn’t really know what you liked on yours, so I just made you what I usually make for myself. It’s got turkey, avocado, a couple of romaine heads, honey with chili peppers in it, tomato pesto, sprouts, and mozzarella on it.”
“Cheers,” Regulus took the sandwich from James, opening the foil and taking apart the sandwich to see what it had.
“You can pick stuff out of it if you don’t want it. You don’t have to eat it, it won’t hurt my feelings.”
“No, no, nothing’s wrong with it. I was just looking at it.”
“Okay, because you really don’t have to eat it if you don’t like it. I promise,” James insisted.
“Well, now that you say it, James, I am going to eat every single bite of this sandwich just to prove you wrong. Even if I don’t like it, which I probably will because it’s a fucking sandwich—and who doesn’t like sandwiches?—and you made it.” Regulus put the top piece of bread back on his sandwich and took a bite to show James. And despite everything James had led him to believe, he actually did like the sandwich. James had perfected it. It tasted exactly how Regulus would imagine a perfect summer day.
“Be my guest,” James opened his own foil and began eating his sandwich.
“I will,” Regulus said, swallowing a mouthful and wiping around his lips. “It’s really good. I’m not lying.”
“You like it?” James grinned. “My mum used to make it for me all the time. I mean, she still does whenever she’s making all of us sandwiches, so technically she never retired from making them, but I make them all the time now. It’s like…it’s a perfect beach sandwich.” He held his sandwich up in the sun, the tin foil shining very brightly, reflecting rays off of it.
“You’re so cheesy,” Sirius piped up from behind where James was sitting.
“You can make your own sandwich next time, Padfoot.” James stuck his tongue out at Sirius.
“You’d never!” Sirius put a hand on their heart, pretending to twist a fake knife in their chest. Sirius was always one with a flair for the dramatics.
“You’re right,” James took another bite of his sandwich.
Regulus didn’t really listen into any of the numerous conversations and whatnot going on around him. He picked up snippets from Sirius and Remus, who were talking about what they would cook for tomorrow night for a dinner date. Peter and Mary were discussing the front cover of a wizard fashion magazine. Marlene was trying to look inside a seashell to see if there was any kind of sea creature living in it. James was getting bags of crisps out, throwing them towards the others.
Regulus watched, eating his sandwich. Even though he had never really had any real conversations with any of these people (besides Sirius and James if you count their one-sided encounter earlier that morning), he felt comfortable. He didn’t feel like he was being ridiculed or being looked at differently because of who his family was. Sure, there was some division because no one really knew Regulus that well, but no one was explicitly leaving him out. James had even made him a sandwich. Marlene offered to share their crisps with him.
Sirius was talking to him again.
He and Sirius had come to a sort of mutual understanding. Neither brother held any real anger towards the other.
Regulus crumpled the aluminum foil and his bag of crisps and put them back into James’s beach tote, where he’d empty it out into a rubbish bin on their way back to the house.
And for one of the first times, Regulus happily lay in the sand, feeling full and content both physically and semi-mentally, with the sun’s rays beating down on him. And later he could go into where the waves would kiss his ankles and walk among the starfish and clams and other creatures that were pulled into the shore with the tide.
And maybe he could get used to sunshine-filled and sandwich-eating days like this.
And maybe summers wouldn’t be so awful anymore.