the runaround
Give me a name
Holding the flame
Burning a megaphone
What are you waiting for?
An open door?
(‘The Runaround’ by Sufjan Stevens)
14:57 Sunday
James,
Sirius and I talked.
Thank you for including me in everything today. And thank you for the sandwich. It was probably the best thing I’ve ever tasted, to be honest.
R.A.B.
Regulus—
Sirius told me that you all had worked some things out. I’m happy you guys reached an understanding. I’m proud of you both.
And I’m glad you liked the sandwich. :)
-James
Regulus found the note against his doorknob, identical to where he had left the note on James’s door yesterday morning. He unfolded it, sitting on his bed. He couldn’t help but feel his lips curl upwards into a smile—something he hadn’t done in a long time. A genuine smile. How soft all of this domesticity was, how soft he had gone, how soft the sunlight seemed to glimmer through the windows, casting rays onto the desk.
Regulus put the note on the desk on top of the previous one James had left him—the one about the clothing and if he ever needed anything.
And he did.
Regulus wanted to borrow a book from James. Or well, he wanted to see if James or Sirius had used a specific copy of a Herbology textbook for a Hogwarts class he would be taking in the next year. He had signed up for Advanced Herbology almost on a whim because it sounded easy to him, and he figured he could always use something with magical plants. It was a good tool to have in your belt if you were undecided in a career, as there were lots of job opportunities concerning different aspects of Herbology.
Regulus found James downstairs, cutting a huge orange into thin slices. He offered Regulus one when he came up to the kitchen counter. Regulus took it and ate it, thanking him.
James was always eating or making food either for himself or for Sirius, and he would always offer some of it to Regulus. Normally Regulus didn’t eat that much outside of mealtimes at home, but he had found his appetite had increased since he came to the Potters. Granted, he had only been there for two days at that point, but it seemed like everything was fresher and more vibrant, more intricate, more colorful, more human.
This is peace and contentment. It’s new.
“Did you or Sirius take Advanced Herbology last year?” Regulus accepted another orange slice.
“Fuck no, we never messed with that type of stuff. I was into Charms and Sirius was into Transfiguration and Defense Against The Dark Arts. I think Peter might have taken it though. Maybe ask him?” James tapped his orange slice against the cutting board.
“Do you remember if he would’ve had a specific book for it? There’s a required summer reading, but I never bought a copy of it, and I was wondering if I could borrow it before I got my own copy.”
“Yeah, he probably does. You should ask him about it later. He lives just right there,” James pointed out the window towards the next house as he said this. “The yellow house.”
“I see.” Regulus nodded.
“He should be home. I didn’t see him leave today. He just started working for this fashion magazine firm, like, last week. I don’t think anything he’s worked on has come out yet, but I’m really excited to see what he does. I’m proud of him. And I know he’s really happy about it working out,” James ate another orange slice. “Anyways, you’re free to go whenever you want, I don’t think we have any plans today for anything. I think Mum’s going to the farmer’s market soon, but that’s it. I was thinking of going with her. I hope they have peaches there. Or those summer nectarines. Oh my god, they’re so good.”
Regulus found his love for fruit endearing. “I might go over in a bit, if that’s alright with you.”
“No, totally. We’re not chaining you up here. You’re free to go anywhere your little lion heart desires.” James laughed.
“Lion heart?” Regulus looked at him quizzically.
“You know,” James bit off the edge of a slice. “Because your name means Lion. Isn’t your star the heart of the Leo constellation?”
“How did you know that?” Regulus asked.
“I got really into astronomy and astrology back in fifth and sixth year. And a little of seventh. I had some free electives, so I just took some of those classes. And I’m also best friends with your brother, who is also named after a star. And Lily and Pandora and Mary are all obsessed with zodiac signs and alignment charts,” James answered. He liked learning. He liked discovering things, and unlocking knowledge, even if it felt useless during the time. James always thought that even the most useless of knowledge will come in handy one day.
Regulus cracked a smile.
“You know,” James paused, swallowing. “I don’t know if it’s weird or out of line for me to say, but I think you have a very nice smile. It lights your face nicely. I don’t think I had ever seen you really smile before then.”
“Oh, so now you’re asking me to smile more?” Regulus cocked an eyebrow, challenging him. “You just ruined everything.”
“Everything?” James repeated, putting the cutting board and knife into the sink. He washed his hands.
“I’ll never smile for you again.”
“My loss.” James put a hand on his heart. “Was nice while it lasted though. Shame we won’t see it again.”
Regulus let a laugh out, not meaning to. He couldn’t let James win. James was nicer than he needed to be? Nicer than what Regulus was normally used to. It’s not that he hadn’t known people being amicable or cordial, but he wasn’t used to people showing genuine kindness and understanding and humanity to him. He had actually wanted to make a connection with Regulus, share an orange with him, let Regulus wear his clothes without any expectation of reimbursement.
The whole of the Potters were kind. Euphemia, James’s mother, was asking Regulus what his favorite foods were and if he had any allergies. Fleamont, his father, was trying to see if Regulus had any sort of bank account of his own through Gringotts, something he could access on his own. After all, he still had money tied to his name.
“Well, uhm, thank you for sharing your orange with me,” Regulus after a beat. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“Anytime,” James replied. “And I wanted to.”
“Can I wash my hands in the sink?”
“Oh, sure, let me get out of your way,” James moved to the side, letting Regulus through to the sink. After he washed his hands, he dried them off on a dish towel hanging on the wall, which funnily enough, was patterned with branches of an orange tree.
“I think I’m going to Peter’s house now.” Regulus set the towel back on the hook.
“Okay. I’ll see you later, alright?” James asked. Regulus nodded.
15:02. Sunday.
The Pettigrew house was yellow, and it had accents of off-whites and other shades of beige on it. Regulus walked up to the off white front door. His heart was racing. He knew Peter was nice, but he just was not familiar with all of these people. He didn’t want to show up unexpectedly, uninvited, unwanted.
Regulus knocked on the door, hoping Peter would answer kindly.
The door opened, revealing Peter. He was wearing an open white button down shirt with the face of some singer over a white tank top and a pair of brown shorts, ending just above his knees, and a pair of loafers. It was a casual outfit, but Regulus still felt like Peter dressed better than almost everyone else. It was no wonder he was going into the fashion industry.
“Hey, come in. What’s up?” Peter let Regulus in, closing the door behind the two of them.
“Have you taken Advanced Herbology at Hogwarts?” Regulus asked, wiping his shoes on the mat inside.
“Oh, yeah, I did. I really enjoyed it. Are you taking it?”
“I am. Uhm, I actually came to see if you would lend or sell me your copy of The Properties of Magical Plants in the Modern Wizarding World? I think that was the name of it. It was some really long name, so don’t take my words for what they’re worth.” Regulus rocked back and forth on his feet.
“Yeah, I do have a copy. I actually have a spare copy because I had bought it before I knew I was taking the class, but then my mum accidentally bought it for me last year when we were shopping for all my textbooks. I’ll just let you have it. Here, it’s in our library. Follow me,” Regulus followed Peter into a room—the library. It was painted with a off-white ivory color, and the bookshelves were a dark blue color. There were four navy blue chairs sitting in a circle around a small coffee table. There were lots of books on the shelves, some stacked above the neat rows because of the abundance. To the side of the room, near the big circle-shaped windows, there was a piano with music sheets against the edge of it.
Peter scanned through the books, running his index finger across the spines. He grabbed a book off of the shelf, making sure that none of the other books fell. He handed it to Regulus.
“You’ll definitely want to take lots of notes for the class next year. And make sure to read the subtext of images and the fine print, because there will be lots of quizzes based on, like, the fine details of it,” Peter said. “And do all the extra credit opportunities. Professor Sprout really likes those who do extra credit.”
“Thank you. And thanks for the book,” Regulus opened the cover, looking inside at the title page. He swallowed. He didn’t know what to say. He knew he needed to say something else, but he was at a loss for words.
“What’s up?” Peter leaned against the bookcase, arms crossed.
“Sorry?”
“There’s clearly something going on…here.” Peter waved his hand in the direction of Regulus’s face. “Do you want to talk about it? You really look like you need to talk about something.”
“I don’t know.” Regulus bit his lip.
“Do you want some tea?” Peter asked.
“Tea?” Regulus responded.
“Well, I was about to make some, so I figured I would offer you one as well,” Peter moved in between the chairs, sitting down in one of them. He tapped his wand against the coffee table. A porcelain teapot with two cups rose out of the middle of the table.
“Tea?” Peter asked again.
“I suppose why not.” Regulus sat down in the chair across from Peter. Peter tapped his wand against the teapot, causing it to whistle very loudly. Regulus winced.
“Sorry, it does that. I can’t really make it quiet yet.” Peter removed his wand from the kettle. “What tea do you drink?”
“I’ll take whatever you’ve got.”
“Mint green?”
“Perfect.” Regulus nodded.
Peter filled both of their teacups. Regulus leaned forward, taking the teacup and saucer. He held the teacup to his nose, inhaling the faintly sweet scent of mint and green tea leaves. He set the cup down on the saucer in his lap.
“Alright, let’s talk. What’s going on with you?” Peter awaited his response, sipping from his own teacup.
Regulus felt his throat hitch. He coughed, making sure the cup didn’t spill hot water over his bare legs—since he was wearing a pair of shorts. He gripped the arm of the couch, trying not to choke on air. He took a sip from his tea, which seemed to help things. Regulus took a deep breath.
“Uhm. Well.” Regulus took another sip of tea before returning it to the saucer. “Things have just…well, I mean, things haven’t been exactly easy, uhm, recently.”
“You’re a seventeen year old who ran away from home, I can’t imagine things being too easy for you right now.”
Regulus shook his head. “It’s just…”
His voice trailed off. It wouldn’t have surprised him if Peter picked up on what Regulus was trying to say. After all, Regulus wanted to be was Peter was. Out. Proud. Confident in himself and his masculinity. A guy.
He opened his mouth.
Oh, god, everything is going to come out. Peter’s going to know. I can’t stop myself. I can’t stop this. Get a grip! He thought to himself.
“I can’t.”
Regulus’s face fell.
”I can’t do it.”
Peter raised his eyebrows, his entire face softening.
“If you don’t want to talk, I didn’t mean to force you. I just…Look, I’ve known your brother for a really long time, and you’ve got the same look they do whenever they’re trying to say something, but there’s something else in them that’s forcing them to stay quiet.” Peter set his cup down. “But if you really don’t want to talk, I’m not going to make you, love.”
Love.
Regulus couldn’t remember the last time he had been called love. He didn’t know if he had ever been called love at all. Even by a friend. Was Peter his friend now? Were the two of them friends? Regulus tasted mint and bitterness in his mouth.
“Can I ask you some things? And I promise that it’s not me judging you, I swear on my life, it’s just…there’s something. And I want your advice on it. And I think you would be the best person to talk to about this right now. Seeing as…” Regulus paused. “Seeing as you have an outside opinion on things. And we don’t know each other very well, see, so things might not be as odd to each other.”
“Sure.” Peter crossed his legs. “Ask away.”
“So.” Regulus leaned forward, putting his teacup-‘d saucer back on the table. “Uhm. You’re transgender, right? So you were born as…or well, you used to identify with being feminine, but now you’re masculine.”
“Well, you’ve got it mostly right. Yes, I am transgender, but I wasn’t just feminine to masculine. I went from viewing myself as a girl to as a guy.” Peter tapped the arm of his chair with his foot. “While, yes, I am a guy, it doesn’t mean that I don’t dress or act masculine all the time, love. I mean, sometimes I like being a little feminine every now and then. There’s nothing wrong with a guy who used to be a girl wearing a dress, right?”
“Oh! No, no, no! I wasn’t saying that at all, I think it’s great that you can wear dresses, I was just asking, like…” Regulus paused, running his fingers through his hair, thinking of the exact right words to say. He wanted a haircut. “How did you…uhm, how did you come out? What did everyone say when you told them you were transgender?”
Peter smiled. “Well, your brother was the first one I told because we were going through similar things. They were also confused about their gender and how they were raised, so one day we had just started talking about our home lives, and…it just came out. It was really liberating to finally tell someone. And then I told James and Remus and everyone else, and everyone was really cool about it. I mean, so far, no one’s really given me a hard time or anything about it.”
“That’s really good, then. That’s really really good to hear.” Regulus exhaled an almost audible sigh of relief.
“Is there anything you want to tell me, Regulus?” Peter asked. He tapped the side of his teacup where the handle met the edge.
Regulus looked up, meeting Peter’s gaze.
He could do it. He could tell Peter. And maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.
“Yes.”