The story of a brother and another
Once upon a time, there was a boy no older than fifteen. He was a shiny star. This boy went to church every Sunday, he prayed for what he already had, he prayed for his family, and he prayed for a good future. His mum had taught him that routine; he knew it by heart. Little did the little boy know that Sunday before fifth year would be the last time he repeated that routine.
The church he went to was beautiful. It had so many paintings, so many icons, so many candles, so many seats, so many people, so many hands put together wishing for more, so many hearts beating and bleeding to be heard and seen. It was beautiful because it was tragic. It was beautiful until it wasn’t.
Until it was patronizing.
Until it was roped around his wrists.
Until the paintings looked down at him disappointed.
Until the icons begged him to change.
Until the smell of the candles was stuck in his hair.
Until he couldn’t get up from his seat.
Until the only people left tried to beat the Devil out.
Until the hands wished and begged for him to stay but his heart was bleeding dry.
That fifth year there was a boy. The boy was as beautiful as the moon and the shiny star couldn’t look away. He tried to. At night he would pray for it to stop. He didn’t understand it but he knew it wasn’t right. His stomach twisted in fear whenever the Moon. His eyes couldn’t look away even if he begged them to. Sometimes he wished he had no eyes just so it wouldn’t hurt as much. And he wished he had no ears he didn’t have to hear the melody of his voice. And he wished he couldn’t smell so he didn’t sense him. And he wished he couldn’t feel his presence.
He just wished he couldn’t feel. Maybe then he’d be proper and clean and pure and everything they hoped he was.
That dreadful year ended for the shiny star but he didn’t feel as shiny. He felt dim and watered down. All year he had dreams of paintings and taunts. “Change!”- they said. All year he hadn’t slept a bling of sleep peaceful enough to keep him shiny and bright.
When he came back from school his mother was prepared. She’d made a list of starlets-to-be for him. Each one prettier than the next. Each one more perfect than the next.
You would assume that it would make him feel less but no. Suddenly what he feared was inside of him. The red-hot flames of what he thought was Hell lit in him and he couldn’t stand them. It was just anger and fear combined but he was too young to understand that. He still is.
It wasn’t as sudden. At first, he would point out how one of the girls he had seen with a boy at school and how another girl was as dumb as they came and that one with the red hair was ugly and the one with bangs was loud and that one was too small and that one was too big and another not pretty enough.
They all were beautiful and smart and talented and fair and elegant and energetic and quiet and intellectual; in short, they were everything. Just not what he could ever want.
Soon enough he got antsy and annoyed. He kept degrading the fruit he was too low to reach, and he kept pretending he wanted the fruit when he was reaching on his highest tiptoes but soon enough he got tired and his toes got sore.
He snapped.
“Mother, I don’t want any of them!” And his mother realized what was happening almost immediately. The shiny star realized his mistake a little too late.
She took him to a room he’d worked so hard not to end up in again. She led him and his light dimmed, he took the stairs one by one and his light dimmed step by step, she opened the door and he only had so much light left, he sat on the chair and she beat the light away.
Soon enough her hands would get tired too from reaching for a son she’ll never get. Soon enough he will get to choose between staying and going. He would reach one final time but not for a fruit he didn’t want but for the hand that never took away the light.
The shiny boy had a brother. He was a little star. The little star was just as good, just as smart, just as compliant if not more, just as quiet, not as loud, just as tainted, not as bright.
The shiny star and the little star were best friends from the start of the littlest one’s life. They played together, they hid together; they laughed together, they cried to each other; they messed around together, and they got punished for it separately. One had to endure their mother and the other had to listen from the other room knowing it was his fault.
At the age of ten, he got separated from his best friend more permanently. The little star was alone for one year but at least he’d be together with his brother soon and then they’d go to school together and everything would be back to normal.
When he got back everything had changed. The shiny star had a new best friend and it was all he talked of. He was jealous and mad and every foul feeling consumed him because how dare his brother do this to him and how dare God send this new best friend his way when he was right there. Wasn’t he enough?
And to think he’d been so excited for them to be together in the same school, best friends again just like they were. But no. Now the last thing he wanted was to go to that school. So he prayed every night and he asked his mum to send him anywhere else just not there. Not where he could see who he’d lost his shiny star to.
It was better this way. He’d convinced Mum he’d just be a distraction to his brother and he would distract him so that evening the announcement was made. He was going to a different school. His brother didn’t cry at the dinner table, it was considered weak, but later that night he cried on his brother’s shoulder. He cried and he cried and he just let him. Afterwards, he regretted it so, so much. Because before he would have had a little bit of his best friend, now he would have nothing.
It was the summer after fourth year when the little star and the shiny star would separate for the last time. He saw it coming but it still hurt. He heard his brother in his room so he got out and waited for him at the end of the stairs.
When he eventually came down he was blocking his road.
“Reg, please let me go.” That hurt him even more. That he wanted to go. He wanted to leave him there, alone with them.
“No Sirius please just hear me out, I have a plan ok just-“ He tried to get the small bag he had packed but his brother didn’t budge.
“No Reg, no more plans, I can’t do it anymore. This is my only chance, she’d forgotten the key and I managed to get out. I can’t go back there again please just step away. Please!” His voice felt like he was ready to cry and he was too but he had to try to keep him. Years ago he thought not having Sirius at school felt like nothing but at the danger of never seeing him again, realized how wrong he was.
“Sirius it’s just two more years then we can run away together, go anywhere you like huh? Please do this for me. Hide it for me just two more summers then we’ll be free and-“ He had tears in his eyes and his hands were shaking. Sirius cut him off and took him by the shoulders, his own eyes misty and full of tears he hadn’t let go of yet.
“Don’t you realize that everything I’ve ever done was for you? Every beating I took for you, every blame, every harsh word!” I am leaving whether you like it or not and I am never stepping foot in a house where a Black has lived ever again!” He still hadn’t let go of his hears or his brother. He was sobbing. Regulus pushed his hands off and climbed two steps so Sirius could have an open way.
“Go then! Go knowing I will never forgive you. Go knowing you had the chance to wait for me but didn’t. I hope you rue this day for the rest of your life!” He pushed Sirius all the way to the door.
“Go!”
Push.
“You are no brother of mine anymore! Go!”
Push
“I hope I never see you again! Go, you selfish-”
Push
“Arrogant-”
Push
“Bad brother.”
He pushed him one more time. Sirius was staring at him in disbelief, finally having let go of the tears now staining his porcelain skin. Regulus was breathing hard but he’d made sure not to scream even if he wanted to.
Deep down the little star knew the shiny star needed to go because he wasn’t shiny anymore but he was selfish too. So he spilt vial words just to get him to hurt as much as he was hurting.
In the end, the Hell the shiny star believed was inside him, was what ate the little star alive.