A mistake I wish wasn't mine
James almost fell over as they climbed the stairs, drunk with laughter. He had completely lost his sense of balance. Sirius was barely able to make it to the portrait. "Password?" The portrait asked impatiently. " kaleidoscope " James whispered, out of breath. The dorms were quite neat compared to their usual level of chaos. It was strange to be able to see anything without at least one chest piece hidden somewhere from when Peter couldn't accept that he lost to Remus. James and Sirius stated at each other, both completely lost for words. Peter was out in Hogsmeade with the girls and Remus was studying with Lily in the library, that's when James spotted a small note on one of the bookshelves. Each letter perfectly positioned next to each over on the yellow parchment. The black ink swirled on to the small square. Making every sentence more beautiful than the last. It smelled slightly of mint and burnt wax candles. It read:
"I guess I did a good job at cleaning if you see this James. Tell Sirius I said hi and for the love of Merlin, keep your records AWAY FROM THE CANDLES, do you know how HARD it is to fix them? Like is it THAT difficult for you? See you outside of the Great Hall after breakfast tomorrow. -R&L"
He couldn't figure out how it knew who was going to read it, James was good at Divination, but not this good. Part of him was telling him to show the letter to Sirius but the other was screaming to keep it hidden. He wondered who wrote the note. He had a small hunch but he chose not to investigate further. The smell was so comforting though. So familiar. It was on the tip of his tongue but it was blocked from his mind entirely. He knew who wrote it but for some reason he couldn't put his finger on it.
"What did it say?" Sirius asked, curiosity getting the better of him. It was hard to control especially since James seemed invested in what the little square said. He was so deep in thought over a single piece of parchment. Something had to be going on. This reaction was rare for James when letters were involved. But what did he know? He didn't know what was normal, did he?
" Oh it was just a piece of parchment don't worry it was blank! " James lied through the skin of his teeth, hoping that Sirius would fall for his stupid little excuse. He knew he wasn't great at lying but it was worth a shot.
"Just a blank piece? You were staring at the bloody thing like it was enchanted!"
" Sirius. "
"Show me James."
"Why should I? We don't know what you could do with the information. Merlin knows that you can't keep your damn mouth shut!"
Sirius looked at James, a sorrowful look on his face. There was nothing he could ground himself with but he couldn't keep his balance anymore. His head was spinning, hurling insults at him and his stupidity. His own stupidity. Nobody else's. His. Why now? In front of James of all people. At least it wasn't Remus he thought. If Remus saw what was happening who knows what could have happened but he wasn't willing to risk it. Not again. It was all too much for him. He could hear his mother screeching at him. Telling him to get himself together, that he was just being dramatic, that he deserved this. He did. He really did. It was his fault. He lost everything because of this. Everything. He already lost his brother's trust when he left. Now he lost Remus's. James hated him and Peter wasn't helping. Peter was always in the background, very rarely coming up to comfort those around him. Sirius' breathing got worse, catching every so often. He could hear his heart pounding against his chest. That night was the biggest mistake that he had made. James was right, why couldn't he keep his mouth shut? If Snape had just left them alone, if he could just mind his business for once in his stupid life. If he could only keep his pointy nose out of the way. It was his fault though. His fault that Remus was in danger, his fault that he had shared the biggest secret between them.
Images of that night at the shrieking shack still plagued him, reminding him of what a horrible friend he was. His fault that James, the only one who took him in with open arms, snapped at him. Sirius realised he was now on the floor, shaking and breathing heavily. Looking up, he saw James still staring at him but with a softer expression on his face. "Look at me Sirius." James whispered, approaching him slowly. "It's going to be ok."
" No. No it won't. It was all my fault. My fault, James. If I had just kept my mouth shut Remus wouldn't have been in danger.. I deserve this, just leave me alone, I need some space. " He watched as James slowly backed away and left for his dorm. Why did James not realise sooner that Sirius blamed himself for everything. That Sirius felt like he deserved every ounce of pain that hit him. That he would put himself in a person's pain just so that they could be happier.
He wished that he could take Remus's pain away from him. Let him be happy for once. Sirius felt as if he deserved to suffer for every one of his actions. He felt as if he had no right to be happy again after what he did to Remus. He knew that apologising didn't solve anything. He knew that he had ruined everything but he also knew that there was still hope. He felt so... Numb. In a void of his own anxiety. A place that he belonged. Somewhere that separated him from everything. Everyone. He belonged here. He deserved this feeling. He was away from everything.
Detached.