First Therapy Appointment
Saturday, February 16th, 2002
Severus’s POV
“Today’s your first therapy appointment!” Remus reminded once both were settled for breakfast.
Severus stared at him for a little bit before deciding to comment on something he noticed, hoping it wouldn’t lead to punishment. ~You’ve seemed more energetic the past few days?~
“Oh! It won’t last much longer, probably just today, but the twelfth was a New Moon which always makes me feel really energetic and relaxed. Like the opposite of a Full Moon.”
~When’s the Full Moon?~
“The twenty-seventh. Don’t worry, with my potions I’m completely safe and will stay locked in my room all night. Probably just sleeping.”
~I wasn’t worried.~ Severus felt a sharp woosh of air hit the back of his throat, choking him a bit, because that would be seen as impenitent, but all Remus did was laugh.
“Well, I guess you did brew my Wolfsbane when we worked together, so that makes sense.”
Severus stayed quiet the rest of the morning, not touching the rest of his breakfast, his morning snack, or lunch.
If his parents taught him one thing it’s that rude people don’t deserve food.
—-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Leah Meyers called him back just as the clock hit 1:00, leading down one hall, past a corner, then down another before arriving in her own office which looked more like an office than what was shown on T.V.
The walls were covered in bookshelves and cabinets, the only exception being a place where a door stood which she claimed led to a private bathroom. Not many therapy offices had private bathrooms in either the magical or non-magical worlds, but this place was different. A mix between both worlds, which apparently understood that just because you were going somewhere for your brain didn’t mean your body stopped existing, and public bathrooms could be triggering for many people. Then at the back of the room was a brown desk with a computer and papers on top, a black office chair behind it, and a brown wooden chair in front.
Dr. Meyers took her place behind the desk, but Severus remained standing. He wasn’t entirely sure what to do.
“You can sit.”
But, where? Was the wooden chair meant for him? But, then, if he sat there and it wasn’t she’d be angry and he embarrassed. Was he supposed to conjure a chair or transfigure one? Was he supposed to bring his own and she just figured it was charmed small in his jeans pocket?
To be safe he plopped down on the floor, basically right next to the door not wanting to invade her space or seem overeager. He wanted to tell her not to worry, that he was gay, but that would involve talking and it was too far away for her to see his notebook. Not to mention the standing and walking, getting from the waiting room to here was hard enough, he didn’t want to have to walk again before leaving.
“I meant on the chair.”
He could cry. What chair?!
“But, you can stay on the floor if you want.” She added. “Whatever’s most comfortable for you.”
Good, that was easy to comply with. Still, he better not eat his afternoon snack or dinner either, certainly not dessert. He was being much too bad today to be rewarded like that.
“You can’t verbalize, right? I believe your paperwork said you usually write instead, is that true?”
He nodded because she still couldn’t see the paper. Maybe he shouldn’t eat tomorrow either, he was making this so hard for her.
“And you must sit on that part of that floor?”
Another nod, and another day of not eating.
“Right then.” She stood, grabbing her laptop and some paper with a pen clipped on, and walked over to sit on the floor in front of him. “Much better.”
~You don’t have to do that.~
She shrugged. “Not gonna hurt me.”
~The chair is more comfortable.~
“I don’t know, I like sitting on the floor, but I don’t get to do it very much. Really, sitting on the floor is good for me. But, if you ever choose to sit in the chair, that’s okay too, because, really, spinny chairs are great, aren’t they?”
~I don’t know.~
“Maybe you can try mine out when you’re more comfortable here.”
~Maybe.~
“I know it’s kind of boring, but I have just a few questions I have to ask before we can begin. But, don’t worry, you never have to answer them again after today, not as long as you work with me, at least.”
~Okay.~
“So, your file says your name is ‘Severus’ and you use He/Him pronouns, is that right?”
Yes.
“Great! Now, have you ever done any sort of mental health help thing before? Therapy, a psychologist, even just a school counselor?”
No.
“One last question: what made you decide to come in now?”
~My~ He paused, what was Remus? His housemate? His ex? Both? ~friend wanted me to.~
“Is that friend the person you were sitting with in the waiting room?”
~Yes.~
“What’s their name?”
~Remus.~ Severus paused again before continuing. ~He/Him.~
“How long have you known each other?”
~That’s complicated.~
“Oh?”
~We met at eleven because we were in the same year at Hogwarts, but we didn’t become friends until we were fifteen. Then later that year we started dating, which went on until we graduated Hogwarts. At that point we broke up and didn’t see each other again until we were thirty-three and he took a temporary position at Hogwarts where I had been teaching for years, then the war started and we fought together. After the war we didn’t see each other again until a week ago.~
“That is complicated. Why did you meet again?”
Severus shrugged before giving a real answer. ~He came and visited and now we live together.~
“Why did him visiting lead to you moving in with him? Or him moving in with you, whatever?”
This was not something he wanted to admit, let alone to a total stranger, but she could do anything to him if he didn’t, so he had no choice. ~I moved in with him because my living conditions weren’t~ How to put this? ~great.~
“Is that why he wanted you to come here?”
~That and everything else.~
“The wars?”
~And some other stuff.~
Dr. Meyers nodded. “Well, we have plenty of time to get into all that over the time we have together.”
A nod, because there was no other possible response to give.
“What happened to your old house?”
~It’s all still there, I just don’t live in it or anything.~
“What about your stuff?”
~Remus bought me new stuff. And he has my wand.~
“Why does he have your wand?”
~I don’t want it, but he doesn’t want it to die or anything.~
He received another nod. “And why not keep your old stuff?”
~Didn’t want it. Not very good, anyway.~
“No clothes or anything?”
Severus looked away with a phantom blush. ~Couldn’t if I wanted. No clothes.~
“You didn’t have any clothes?”
~I did. Just unsalvageable.~ Did he explain further? Better to stay on her good side, who knew if she could use legilimency against him. ~Too stained and ripped.~
“Why were they ripped and stained?”
~Ripped from couch springs.~
“And the stains?”
~Please don’t make me say that.~
“You don’t have to say anything you don’t want to.” Dr. Meyers assured. “I didn’t mean to pressure you, you absolutely don’t have to answer that question, ever. I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable.”
That was not the response he expected to get, so hesitantly peeked at her face, sure he would find malice or anger, but instead she just looked apologetic. ~It’s okay.~
“No it’s not, that’s why I apologized. And just because someone apologizes doesn’t mean they never did anything wrong or have to be forgiven.”
~But, I do forgive you.~
“And that’s just fine, but that’s why you say you forgive me and not just that it’s okay. Or else I may get the idea that I can do it again. I won’t, but other people may.”
A nod because this was a precarious situation and he didn’t want to go to far either way and end up punished anyway.
“Are you okay?”
Yes.
“Honestly?”
Yes.
“Alright.” She admitted defeat. “Do you have anything you want to talk about?”
~No.~
“How do you feel about filling out paperwork?”
Severus loved filling out paperwork, or really any type of quiz, it had always been relaxing to him which was probably why he did so well on his O.W.L.S and N.E.W.T.S in comparison to even the other top-of-the-class-kids. Still, that was weird so he had to be more lowkey. ~It’s fine.~
“Well, then, would you mind filling out these papers for me? You can do it at a later date if you’d prefer, they’ll just help me with diagnosing and treating you.”
~I’ll do them now.~
“Are you sure? You don’t have to.”
~Now, please.~ He uncharacteristically insisted. There was nothing more he wanted right now than to fill out an answer sheet. That was true most of the time, but even more now.
“Alright, then. Here you go. Ask if you don’t understand something or need something or anything.”
~Okay.~
This was going to be amazing!
—-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Severus fiddled with the menu at the restaurant Remus took him to for dinner to celebrate his first therapy session. Remus already knew what he wanted, it was just Severus holding them back.
~I don’t think you understand.~ Severus eventually gave up and wrote even though that was one of the quickest ways to be banned from everything for a long time. The next time he got to leave the house would probably be for his next therapy session, if Remus didn’t cancel it as part of the punishment.
Remus paused for a second before putting up a silencing charm as even though nothing Severus said could be heard, his own words could easily be. “What aren’t I understanding?”
~I can’t get anything here.~
“Why? Are you allergic? We can go somewhere else, I just thought you said you weren’t allergic to anything.”
~No. I can’t eat anywhere.~
“We can get takeout if you’re uncomfortable eating in public.”
Now this was really getting frustrating. ~I can’t eat anywhere. Not even home.~
“Are you sick?”
~No.~
“Then why can’t you eat?”
~I’m in punishment.~
“In what?”
~Punishment.~
“What does that mean?”
Why was he acting dumb?! Was he trying to get Severus to slip up so he could make the punishment worse? This made no sense! ~I’m not allowed to eat until tomorrow. Actually, not until Tuesday because of stuff that happened at therapy.~
“What?! Of course you can eat before Tuesday. You can’t go three days without food, Severus, that’s dangerous.”
~It’s punishment.~
“What are you even being punished for?”
~Being rude.~
“When were you rude?”
~At breakfast.~
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
~You said you’re not dangerous during the Full Moons because of your medicine so I shouldn’t worry and I said ‘I’m not worried’. That was rude, so now I don’t get to eat. It’s the rule.~
“First of all: that was not rude. But, second of all, and more importantly: I don’t know who’s told you that being rude means being starved, but you should never listen to a word they’ve said again.”
~It was my parents. Didn’t your parents do that?~
“Not once. Severus, that is horrible. Have you eaten at all today?”
~Of course not! I didn’t want to get in trouble.~
“You’re an adult, you can’t ‘get in trouble’. I’m never going to punish you or anything. But, even if I did, it would not be taking away your food. I will never, never, tell you you can’t eat. If you’re hungry, you get food, that’s just how it works. Okay?”
~Are you sure?~
“100%.”
~Okay.~ He was still hesitant cause this really could just be one big trap, but he ordered a burger and fries anyway.
Because maybe he was allowed to eat, maybe his parents were wrong. Maybe he was safe.