Part 18
Regulus watched his brother. He wanted to do something but he felt helpless so he could only look as his brother slipped into the unconsciousness that was impossible to escape from. He lifted his brother, who was worryingly light, and put him in his bed. It hurt him to see his brother this way. He hadn’t meant for this to happen but the others had insisted on tagging along. He should have known better and contacted him to make sure that they were allowed to join him. Now he had to watch the very same brother, who had protected him from the moments Mother began acting horrible, struggle to be in a room with more than 3 people in.
“You make me happy to be alive.” Regulus whispered, staring at the person he had looked to for support all his life, “I don’t want to be someone you forget.”
He sat down next to Sirius. From being protected to the one protecting. That’s how it always went. He didn’t really mind but he was getting tired. He was stuck in a cycle just like his brother was. Just like his whole family was. Everyone ws fending for themselves but always refusing to ask for help and taking any negative thought too literally. It was the unfortunate order of things.
Sirius wasn’t any different. He was just as much of a victim of the Black name and system as the rest of them but he was lucky enough to run even though it would catch up to him soon enough.
“I don’t want you to hate me when I let you down.” Regulus muttered under his breath, scanning Sirius for any movement, “Please don’t let there be a moment where we won't be able to forgive each other.”
They had each other. They were the only ones that could understand each other. They had been through and seen the same things. They had stuck together and when they didn’t see the other’s point of view, sure it took them a while but they often forgave each other quickly once they decided to talk once more. “I hope that we will be able to escape everything eventually. I don’t want to forget you. So please do the same. I don’t want to be forgotten by the first person I trusted.”
Regulus felt himself smile when Sirius twitched slightly, signalling that he was still there. It was a stupid thing to worry about but he wanted to be sure. He didn’t want to lose anybody, especially Sirius. He was the only person that Regulus would protect with his life but he didn’t know whether or not Sirius would do the same for him. He shouldn’t even be thinking about this. He should trust him. He was his brother after all but something told him that he shouldn’t be too sure about who Sirius would choose. Was he even worthy of being protected by him? He had been in the past but now?
He wasn’t sure anymore. Things have changed even when they didn’t need to. He wasn’t even sure if he loved himself let alone those that had loved him before. Sirius was a wild card that was unpredictable, making it hard to know who he loved and protected one minute and who he would love and protect the next. It was tiring him to play the guessing game and assuming that it would be everybody but him. It didn’t feel right to select himself as an answer as it felt like he was being selfish so he refused to touch it. It wouldn’t matter anyways.
It didn’t matter who Sirius chose as long as he didn’t feel pressured into choosing them. As long as Sirius was happy, Regulus was happy too. He had to be. He couldn’t spend all his time being upset that he wasn’t chosen so might as well quit while you’re ahead.
The more Regulus thought over it, he realised that he had fallen into the same train of thought that Sirius had when they were little. Sirius was constantly saying ‘If you’re happy, I’m happy too’. He had always said it with a smile on his face, making Regulus believe that he was fine when he clearly wasn’t. Regulus had been too much of a fool to notice at the time, though.
He had let himself believe so many lies, most of them harmful too.
“I had to stay Sirius, it was for your own safety, mine too. Mother would have hunted us down and trapped us both. If she acted so violently to us both looking unpresentable at dinner, what would happen if she found out that we had both escaped?” Regulus told Sirius, knowing full well that he wasn’t able to listen to him, “She punished me too, you know. She blamed me for you running away. That just goes to show how stupid she was.” Regulus laughed quietly, “She had put me under the Imperitus so that I wouldn’t react to the pain. Let’s say that I had two scars wrapping around my back at the end of it.”
Sirius shifted slightly. He seemed to be having a nice rest so Regulus stopped talking about the thing that always made them feel guilty even though they knew it wasn’t anybody’s fault. He simply watched his brother finally getting some nice sleep. It had been ages since either of them had been able to have a peaceful sleep.
“I will always look up to you and when you are gone I will look up to your star.” Regulus finally said, turning away from Sirius, “And no matter what you will always be my brother.”
He stood up, stretching his legs out and walking over to the door. He rested his hand on the doorknob before looking back at the only person who had been a constant in his life. The only person who had been there for pretty much all of his life. Looking at Sirius was like looking in the Mirror of Erised. It was him but with everything he had always wanted. He liked the life he had but he often found himself longing for Sirius’s. It wasn’t much better but it was the start of their dream to leave their past.
They had made this idea up when they were young and naïve, back when everything was just beginning to get bad. Back when they had only started the journey on the nightmarish ride that was their life to come. They didn’t know anything at the time but they had made the right call to start planning then as Sirius had used it. He had encouraged Regulus to do the same but he couldn’t. It broke them both and took years to resolve but they had seemed to get a start until the situation in the Infirmary. They were on better terms now but it wasn’t completely stable.
The one thing that seemed impossible.
Stability.