Part 17
Sirius sat between Lily and Regulus, avoiding eye contact. He was well aware of what he looked like and if he looked at somebody he would worry about what they would think of him. He was trying to avoid that feeling but no matter what he did he could feel stares piercing into him, making him uncomfortable. He wanted to crawl into his skin and hide from everything. He had resorted to oversized clothing even when he was alone because it hid him. It hid him well enough that he didn’t have to see himself and feel as ashamed but that didn’t stop it from reminding him.
Of course Regulus had decided to bring multiple over to find him the one day that he chose to dress in regular clothing. He had wanted to see how he looked in his old clothing. It was now really loose and it felt strange in some places. He had thrown a jumper over himself but he still felt weird. He didn’t like how everything was floating on him but didn’t cover him the way he wanted it to.
This was the first time in ages that he had been in direct contact with more than one or two people at a time and it was just as awkward as he had imagined. Nobody was staring at him but even the slightest glance made him nervous. He listened to everybody’s conversation, looking for his name even though he knew that he would feel worse if he heard it. Regulus stayed quiet for the most of it, seemingly observing the discussion as well.
Sirius could only look at the floor as the voices started to shift to one familiar one. It was just as harsh as the other but one was more direct. He knew it all too well but he couldn’t stop it. It was too loud to ignore but they were only whispers that used to linger at the back of his mind. They weren’t supposed to hurt but every word stung.
“Sirius, why did you do it?” his mother’s voice rang out over the empty room. Sirius didn’t know what he had done wrong but he had done something to annoy her. This time it was purely by accident.
“It was an accident, Mother. I promise.” Sirius pleaded with her, “Je suis désolée, Maman Je suis désolée.”
“Don’t apologise to me. Why did you do it?” she raised her wand towards him, poking it into his neck. He was only 7 and was being held at wand point by the person who was supposed to love him. Her eyes pierced into him. He had to hold eye contact even though her eyes hurt to look at. He didn’t know what he did but he had disappointed her.
Again.
“How dare you disgrace our name with such dastardly behaviour from you.” she dug the wand further into his neck, the burning getting hotter and hotter, “Why can’t you be more like your brother? At least he knows how to stay quiet.”
“Je suis-”
“Crucio.” Walburga cut him off. Sirius could only hear his own screams and the feeling of the spell working through his veins. He had felt this multiple times before and every time it hurt more. “Silencio.” Walburga muttered. He was still in pain but now he couldn’t bother her. He deserved this didn't he? He had failed to behave, meaning that he had to be punished. This was how the world worked, wasn’t it?
The only thing he could hear over his silent screams was Kreature rushing over to the room after Mother left. His mind was too foggy to process anything but he could vaguely feel being picked up. He had slipped out of consciousness but he had woken up with Regulus and the house elf shared worried expressions. Regulus looked quite guilty, he had heard everything but hadn’t dared to move at the time. He should have done something but he didn’t have the energy to think about it too much.
“How are you feeling, Master Sirius?” the house elf asked, breaking the silence once he spotted that he was awake. Sirius didn’t know how to respond. How was he supposed to answer? Wasn’t it obvious? He had just been hit by a torture curse.
Sirius had tried to sit up but he could barely support himself so he collapsed back into the bed. He was seeing double and the voices seemed to be everywhere but where they were.
“Sirius?” A concerned voice asked from somewhere near him. He couldn’t place who said it but he knew that the person meant no harm. It sounded like it knew what was going on. It was a familiar panicked tone that he had heard before. “Can you hear me?”
Sirius nodded, vaguely aware of his surroundings. He could also hear his heart beating against his chest, begging to escape and static in his ears. The voice next to him was quietly telling everyone else to leave. It knew how to deal with this. It had dealt with this before. It had dealt with him before. Soon everyone had exited the room. They hadn’t left without protest which was always a good thing to hear.
“Right. Breathe in. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Hold. 1, 2, 3. Breathe out. 1, 2, 3, 4.” whoever was next to him told him. They didn’t touch him but let him know that they were there with him. “You’re safe Siri.”
Sirius instantly knew who was talking to him now. His own brother was looking after him. He had been in this situation multiple times before but on his own on the days when Regulus didn’t visit. He recovered from them eventually but they became more regular.
“I shouldn’t have brought so many people. I’m sorry Sirius.”
Sirius couldn’t answer him. He could only nod before putting his head in his hands. He should be the one looking after his brother. It shouldn’t be the other way round. Besides, why was Regulus looking out for him?
“It was Mother wasn’t it?” Regulus asked, his voice going quiet when he mentioned the word ‘Mother’.
Sirius nodded. He barely felt strong enough to keep his eyes open let alone talk. He was exhausted even though he had done nothing. He had only sat with the others and barely spoke so why did he have no energy left?
He felt his arms give up on him and he heard Regulus’s worried muttering. He felt numb and let himself fall into the dark that seemed to stop everything temporarily.