Part 9
Remus sat in his usual spot on the Gryffindor table. James sat on his right and Peter on his left. He ignored them as they tried to make conversation with him and carried piling food onto his plate. It was the day of the full moon and it was the first one without Sirius coming to accompany him. They had agreed that he was no longer welcome in the Shrieking Shack. It was a difficult decision for all of them- except for Remus, of course. He was the one that announced the idea after all. The others were partially obliged to agree with him as Remus was the one who had a fatal condition not them but they also got to choose if they also wanted to stay and leave Remus alone in the Shrieking Shack like he was doing in 1st through 3rd year or if they still wanted to join him. They had decided the obvious. They would still be joining him and Sirius would stay in the castle. The only person who felt bad was Peter but he quickly got over it and joined the others.
"What do we have 1st period?" Remus asked, packing his bag with all his usual books and items.
"Potions with Ol' Sluggy." James responded, pulling his bag onto his shoulder and making sure his tie was straight. Remus watched as James quickly glanced at Sirius. He had become quiet over the course over a month and seemingly hollow. His eyes had sunken and he was impossibly thin. Sirius deserved this in Remus's eyes. Remus had nearly killed someone because of him and now revenge was doing its thing. Remus rolled his eyes and moved towards the door, looking back to check in with Peter who looked back at him as he finished doing a one-over through his satchel. The three boys made their way out and headed towards the Potions room.
The stairs down to the dungeons were old cobblestone that were slightly chipped and cracked. The walls were in a better condition but it was covered in small burn marks from the candles that were the only source of light in the dingy hallway. Slytherin banners hung from the walls and a dusty chandelier hung in the middle of the ceiling.
Remus entered the class and sat in his seat waiting for Lily to join him. They worked well together and they were considered the smartest in their year when it came to potions. They were two of Slughorn's favourite students. They always got the highest marks in assignments and even higher in tests.
Slughorn read off the register and started listing todays topic.
"Today we will be brewing Draught of Living Death." He began motioning to a cauldron at the front of the room. "I have brewed a sample but I cannot allow any of you to try it as it is a very powerful potion. Can any of you tell me it's effects and what it may be used for?"
The room went silent. The name sounded more deadly than it actually was and Remus wished it actually was deadly. If there was an option to take away the living part he would have gladly drank it. He was getting tired of living like this. Every month was filled with dread and pain. He wanted it all to be over. He wondered what would happen if he drank a whole vile. Would it live up to it's name?
He watched as Lily raised her hand confidently and felt all the eyes staring at their table. He knew that they weren't at him but it felt each and everyone was looking right at him. It made him uneasy but he just pushed the feeling to one side.
"Yes Miss Evans?"
"Draught of Living Death is a potion that can create a deathlike trance on the person that ingests for an indefinite amount of time and must be used with extreme caution. It can also be lethal in large doses."
"Well done Miss Evans. 5 points to Gryffindor. Now everyone, please open your textbooks to page 386 and prepare the ingredients listed. You will be graded on the accuracy in colour. You may begin now."
Everybody made their way to the back of the class, picking up the ingredients and their cauldrons. It was strangely quiet for some reason. It had been like that for over a month now and it didn't seem like it would go away. He knew the reason but refused to acknowledge it. It didn't deserve to be acknowledged for everything it caused.
"Hey are you paying attention? You have been staring at Black for ages now."
"Oh, yes, yes." he muttered and busied himself cutting up the necessary ingredients after Lily caught him up with where they were in the lesson before mumbling "That fucking prick."
He didn't look up from his station until the lesson had passed. Even when Slughorn came to check on the colours of the mixture he only looked down. He didn't want to risk another slip up. One was already enough. He floated through the corridors barely talking to the others and feeling ready to collapse whether it was exhaustion or another reason he would welcome it with open arms. He wanted to sleep for once even better if it was permanent. He wanted all the pain to be gone and for everything to stop. What was even the point of living right now? His biggest secret was leaked by his boyfriend, who he loved the most out of everyone in the damn school, to the boy he hated the most. Even though Snape was a horrible person, Remus would have never forgiven himself if he even injured another student. He would never let himself forget what he did. It was the one thing that he swore by.
He ran through all his lessons, taking only the minimum amount of notes and only talking when he was picked to answer questions or when partner discussion was required. He just wanted this day to be over with. If it was gong to be painful might as well be quick yet it dragged on at a terrible pace. He was so close to snapping at someone but he bit his tongue. He couldn't bring himself to be mean, he simply lacked the energy to do it. None of his friends questioned anything, they knew that today was the full moon. They had the moon tracked for the next 50 years, no that they would need it. He hoped that they wouldn't need it. He hoped- no. He really couldn't live like this, he couldn't just sit around moping about his life. But what was the point?
He had spent most of the day wishing that it would be over. It wasn't a new thing and he was used to it, not that he should be. He had spent it wishing that it would just end all together. He could barely hold it together anymore. Everything was falling apart at the seams even his state of mind. He could barely keep track of his thought let alone keep track of the time and his thoughts. He would rather be in pain than whatever this state was. He couldn't manage. It has gotten to the point that even thinking about that boy made him angry for trusting him. He should have trusted his gut but things never go his way. This was proved by those nights. That night when he was 5 and that night when Snape found out. Both brought him more pain than he ever wanted in his life. Why couldn't it be simple? What he would give to make it go all away. To be normal for once. It hurt but it didn't. He felt everything but he was numb. Everything felt so far away but he couldn't move. As the morning turned to afternoon and the afternoon to evening it got worse.
He stared out of the window and saw the Whomping Willow guarding itself. He knew what was waiting for him but he didn't know what to feel. Dread? Happiness? Sadness? Pain? He didn't know. What was he supposed to feel? He had to stop acting this stupid. He had to know. He has been doing this for years now. He should know. This is what was expected of him. He should be able to manage his feelings at the very least. Right? His mind was clouded with everything and nothing at once. He couldn't focus on anything but that tree. He had already memorised every detail on it's bark but he felt as if there was far more to it. Some part of it that was yet to be explored. Something was missing from it. It wasn't complete. Just like his story. Remus knew he had so much more left to his story but the plot was running dry. The words were getting messier and messier by the day and the pages were no better, some were torn out completely and some were ripped to shreds but the story was still there, though nobody could read them but him.
He looked at the clock on the wall of the dorm and looked back to the sky. It was 8 at night and the sky was finally getting dark. Time to get it over with. it was going to be rough tonight. He didn't know what he did to deserve this. It was his fault. It had to be. But what did he do? What did he do that required this level of punishment.
He turned away from the window and faced the dorm.
"It's getting late." He muttered, just loud enough for the boys to hear. This was their cue. Peter and James stood behind Remus as he wandered his way through the castle, cane in hand just in case. They made it to the Whomping Willow and Remus waved at them before entering the shack. They had all agreed that they were to Peter and James were to stay outside from now on for safety measures.
The Shack was quite large for being a rusty and repurposed shed but it didn't matter to him. He just needed privacy and safety from everybody else. He sat on the floor, and his eyes looked up at the ceiling, as if he was pleading for a different life. He wanted a new plot, a new story, a new author. Anything would do at this rate. His heart beat out of his chest like it wanted to escape and all his muscles tensed.
He screamed at the pain. The feeling of his hair turning into fur and it brushing against his skin. The feeling of his own skin warping into unnatural shapes and angles. This was the price of his life. Everybody said that they wanted to be him but they completely gloss over every single downside of his life. They only focus on the light, well what's left of it anyways. The small sliver of hope he had left in his life. He had already witnessed his Hope die once he didn't need the rest of it gone.
He tried to put his mind on the thing he loved most, expecting his mother but the only person that showed up was the very boy that betrayed him. He didn't want to see or even say his name, he knew how much impact names had and he didn't want to bring light to it. The image of them together burned in his mind but it wasn't enough to distract him from everything else. Tears fell from his eyes as the wolf took over him. He sat there helpless and barely able to move now. It hurt just to breathe so he couldn't imagine standing up or walking. The last thing he heard was his heavy and animated breaths. He shut his eyes one last time before losing himself to the power of the moon.
The noise was ringing in his ears and he couldn't stop it now. Not anymore. The feeling was the last thing he could hear before shutting out the world.