Part 10
Sirius stared out of the window in the common room. He stared up at the moon, surrounded by the stars and light. If only that was the case with him and Remus. He had his head nestled in his crossed arms which lay on the windowsill, his eyes taking in the spots of light in the sky. He wished upon every shooting star that he would make up for everything that he ruined. He wished upon every star, moon and planet. He wished for something he knew was only possible in his dreams.
His eyes wandered to the Whomping Willow in the far left hand of the school grounds. It was quite out of sight, covered by all the other trees that formed the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest. A single tear traced his cheek and wanted to look away but he was locked on that spot. He was a curse to them. Just as much of a curse as Remus's.
He was part of the Blacks after all. Every single one of them laced with a different type of poison. some used theirs for good, some ruined themselves and some ruined others. Sirius wanted to use his for good but he only ended up hurting others and himself. He was always making mistakes. It ruined everything. Nothing was safe around him. Not even his brother. Not even himself. He was a failure. The only point of Mother's that he actually agreed to. He was the failure of the Black family. A disgrace.
He tried to make a better name for himself but a name like his sticks and haunts. It reminded him daily who he was and what he was supposed to be. He was supposed to be the rightful Heir the Black fortune. He was supposed to be a noble child with wealth, fame and respect. He was a pureblood heir, he might as well act like one. He was supposed to be the perfect child. The one who could do no wrong but he ruined it. He messed it up. He always did. Now his brother was stuck with the role and they were ripped apart from each other far too young. They were pit against each other from the beginning. Once he had started acting up. Regulus was always the perfect child. Their roles were supposed to be switched. Regulus was a plan B , the last resort, but in reality he was the best choice from the start.
Sirius shut his eyes to stop the tears from falling. He really was pathetic. He didn't deserve any love in the end. He was disowned for a reason. For being unlovable in his mother's eyes. Mother knows best and she was right. He had no reason to be loved. He was exiled from his own family, he was the one that deserved to be shut out. Regulus had even been ordered to never speak to him again.
Regulus.
The one who followed orders.
The one who watched.
The one who never spoke up.
His brother.
The future heir.
The only one who cared to listen for the first few years.
If only Sirius cared.
He laughed at himself. He was so fucking selfish. He was no better than his own his parents. He was a Black after all. It runs in the family. He smiled and chuckled. He was insane and it showed. He broke everybody's trust. He broke everybody. He used everybody around him. He truly was like his parents.
He was so rude to to the people he cared about and eventually he push them away just in case. He abandoned everyone out of fear. He broke everybody's heart and he simply. Did. Not. Care.
It was far past the point of him giving a single fuck. The world was better without him. Everybody would be better off. They would be so much happier. He was dramatic and petty. He had no control over his emotions and he was dumb. People would be fine without him, if not better. He was something to look at. That was the only thing he was good at. It was his only purpose.
Mother was happier, Father was happier, Remus was happier. They were all happier without him. He didn't need any of the sympathy that people gave him. He didn't deserve it. Remus needed it more. He was the one with an actual problem.
Sirius loved Remus more than life itself and he would have given anything for him but now their love was in shambles. All because of him. Sirius was the problem. He always was. Time changes nothing but looks and even that can be tampered with. It was all a lie. His life was a lie. He was a lie. He didn't even know who he actually was. He only knew his name and his family. Not his adoptive family. The family that created the liar that he was. He was just a monster behind a 'beautiful' disguise that always needed improving.
That damn place tore him apart. Physically and mentally. He had scars all over him. Both from magic and the harsh nails of Mother. They were quite distinguishable to him. The ones in swirling patterns were from the Curcio's painful touch, they got more painful as the spell was used against him more and more. Scars overlapping each other. His whole back was a tapestry of swirls that reminded him of the very face that moulded his wasted potential. The ones that were short and straight were from the sharp nails that lined each of Mother's hands. They marked his arms and the back of his neck. She didn't care if he was in pain. She only cared if he learnt his lesson.
He was the monster that created this. People would have a better life without him. The majority of people hated him now. Some hated him from the start but he didn't care about those. He deserved this. He didn't deserve to feel anything at all. He only needed to learn his lesson but he never did. He really was useless. He can't even learn from the millions of mistakes. They were always the same exact thing and nothing ever changed. He was a fucking mistake of a child. He was a fucking mistake. The worst one humanity could make.
His quiet laughter turned into sobs.
Pathetic.
His attention was instantly ripped away from the subject that danced in his mind, tormenting him. He instinctively looked next to him, ready to ask a question but he was the only one there. He looked back out and, sure enough, what had grabbed his attention was the screams of pain coming from the Shrieking Shack. It unfortunately lived up to its name.
Remus didn't deserve this. He had done nothing wrong and he was completely innocent. Sirius, on the other hand, had made far too many fatal mistakes to receive love or care. He felt like he was meant to take everybody's pain to make up for everything. It was how he was treated before so why not now?
The screams got louder until they turned into something barely recognisable. Sirius remembered enough to know that something had gone wrong but he couldn't go to Poppy. He had sworn to the others to not get himself involved whether it was joining him to the tree or warning Poppy. It hurt him to stay in the common room and listen to the howls of pain from outside.
He walked soundlessly back into the dorms. He avoided any mirrors that hung on the walls. He couldn't stand looking at his reflection anymore. He was barely getting any sleep. None of his pain went away whilst he dreamt. It took over his dreams and convinced him that he should make that visit to the Astronomy Tower. It didn't help that the thought of food made his stomach churn and his brain blank. It didn't seem as appetising as it once did but he looked over it. It wasn't the first time that this happened and he was far past doing anything about it.
He lay down on his bed but he couldn't find a comfortable position. He felt stiff and his arms and legs protested as he stood up. He took a deep breath and calmed himself before focusing on his Animagus form. He hoped that he would be able to relax in this form. He felt awful for doing this but it's not like the others would pay attention to him.
The next time he opened his eyes, he was now eye level with the edge of his bed.
He padded over to the foot of Remus's bed and curled up in a ball. He rest his head on his hind legs and and closes his eyes. The comforting smell of a stack of Remus's old books surrounded him as he drifted off. He never wanted to leave. He wanted to stay where he was and never leave. This spot took everything away. This spot reminded him of the best memories of his school life. The memories with the boy who used to love him. Sirius pulled his mind away from the subject and focused on the smell of old melted chocolate and old books.
It was the smell he loved but it belonged to someone who didn't love him back. The same person who reminded him.
Once a Black, always a Black.