Chapter 13
Most of the time–almost every day– Sirius asks himself why he gets out of bed in the morning. Why he gets out of bed at all. Because, really, what does he do of his days?
On Wednesdays he has the band’s rehearsal and most of the time he goes out at night. On Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays, they play at the bar but he really doesn’t have to go out until it’s already night at this time of the year. Sundays are for dinners at the Potters and that’s basically all. He sees Moony and he goes to drugs addicts parties to meet with his drugs addicts friends.
He wakes up every morning without any purpose and more frequently than not, Sirius asks himself if he ever used to have one, if he’ll ever have one and even if there’s a point in it. It’s been almost four years since he’s out of this house and most mornings he has the impression to wake up there. It’s been more than four years since Sirius goes on in life without really knowing why. For his friends probably, not for himself.
Ever since Lily left, almost a week ago now, Sirius has been asking himself if he should tell his friends or just let Lily do it. It’s just that it is so hard to tell them. He doesn’t even know how.
Should he go ‘listen guys, I know you think I just smoke pot and drink a lot but I’m actually a cocaine addict, by that I mean that I cannot go a day without a buzz’ ? Or maybe he should just put the bags on the table and let them figure it out without a word.
It just seems like an impossible situation. It’s like, no matter how he tells them, it will go wrong. Fuck Lily and her discoveries, why did she have to fall on it? Why did she have to give him an ultimatum? Fuck her.
Anyways, every mornings Sirius gets out of bed just because he doesn’t know what to do, and every morning he considers not to. Expect, at some point he’ll need to pee and Sirius is not one to pee himself. Except, at some point he’ll need a fag, or a joint, or a drink, or a pill, or a buzz, and he won’t be able to do without. Expect, at some point his friends and brother will come in because they all bloody have keys and they’ll coerce him out of bed. At that point, Lily would have called James and he would have tell Regulus and all the others and they’ll try to ‘save’ him except Sirius doesn’t need to be saved. He doesn’t need help and he is fine. Yes he’s a cocaine addict, he’s not dumb to the point he doesn’t know, he threw himself into it head first and with eyes wide opened, he made himself an addict consciously, but he’s fine. Perfectly fine. What he does of his free time is no one’s business but his.
At some point, he does get out of bed because he needs to smoke and he’ll have to eventually, they play tonight.
Sometimes, Sirius doesn’t know how he handled three shows in a row without coke before. It seems so exhausting now.
The day goes as usual, nothing new, everything old. He tries to write a little but cannot get a single line out, he tries to compose a little but cannot align two notes. Overall, it is boring.
He goes to the bar in advance, mostly because he’s bored and has nothing to do, and it rarely happens.
“Sirius! Didn’t expect to see you here first.” Dorcas greets him with a smile when he arrives.
Sirius shrugs and sits on a stool, “Was bored. Nothing to do.”
Dorcas nods and he orders a drink, “How is Marlene doing?” She asks, something with her expression that seems weird to him.
“You saw her yesterday.” Sirius says, taking a sip of his drink.
“Yeah, but we don’t talk. I don’t know how she is doing.”
Sirius eyes her for a moment before answering. He doesn’t know Dorcas’ side of the story, they aren’t close enough for them to talk about it, but he knows Marlene’s. “She’s doing fine.” He settles on.
“Is she– is she still with that girl?” Dorcas asks, looking down.
“Well, they’re not really together.” Sirius shrugs. “It’s more like, friends with benefits.” He shakes his head. “It’s really not mine to tell.”
“She refuses to talk to me.” Dorcas murmurs.
“Maybe with reason.”
They stare at each other until the door of the bar opens on James. When Sirius turns to look at him, his heart tightens.
“Sirius! Already here I see!” James grins widely and comes to hug Sirius. Sirius hugs back.
“Me being on time really is that surprising?” Sirius shakes his head with a smile.
“It is.” James smiles back. “But glad you’re here, there were a few arrangements I wanted to talk about with you.”
“Arrangements?” Sirius asks, warily.
“Yes.” James says, waving Dorcas hello and grabbing Sirius’ arm to take him to their dressing room. “Yesterday there was something wrong during the bridge of the last song, I think we’re not playing the same note at some point. Let me show you.”
James and him arrange what was to arrange while they wait for the others to arrive. Marlene arrives last, as always now, she’s taken the habit.
“Is that really what you’re going to wear?” She asks Sirius when they are about to get on stage.
“Yeah, why?” Sirius frowns, looking down at his clothes.
“Nothing. I miss your cunty tops, that’s all.” She says before marching out.
Sirius clenches his jaw. The thing is, those tops are way too big for him now. Every single one of his clothes are way too big.
They all go on stage and the first thing Sirius notices is a tall man with sandy hair and a moon tattoo on his neck. Sirius grins broadly as he goes to his mike, not looking away from Moony. There’s a lot he doesn’t know about the man. Really, he doesn’t know shit. It feels like all the talk they do is just talking for the sake of it, to hear the other’s voice, to be in the other’s presence. Moony smiles back and the set starts.
It goes great and Sirius steps out of stage content, the other seem satisfied too.
Peter congratulates everyone for their set and Sirius goes to the dressing room while the rest of the band goes to the bar to drink something, they do that on Saturdays.
“Moony!” He calls the man already waiting for him close to the dressing room door. “Didn’t know you were supposed to come!”
Moony shrugs and looks over at him, “Didn’t plan to.”
“But you’re here.” Sirius grins, head falling to the side.
“I’m here.” Moony smiles back.
They look at each other for a few moments before Sirius claps his hands together, “Come on in, I need a smoke.” He says, opening the door of the dressing room. Moony follows him inside and Sirius starts to fetch for a pre-rolled joint in his bag. “So, how was it?”
“Great.” Moony says, leaning against the wall.
“Great.” Sirius repeats, looking over at him, hands still in his bag. “How was I?”
Moony smiles and shakes his head, “You know you were great.”
“Just great?” Sirius grins as his bag falls from the chair it was on, the whole content scattered on the floor. He looks up at Moony and sees his expression falling. He starts to put everything back in his bag but Moony crosses the room with a few steps and stops him, crouching just like Sirius.
They look at each other and Sirius feels something breaking. Fucking shit. Why is he so stupid? He knew he should have put his drugs in something, he just thought that maybe James would fall on it and he won’t have to tell him. Turns out it is Moony who falls on it, and Sirius had no plan in letting him know.
A part of him tells him that maybe it is for the best, he’ll just have to go to Moony whenever he needs anything, another part of him knows he won’t be able to do so.
“Moony I–” He starts.
“Since when?” Moony asks softly, not looking at Sirius anymore but at the pills and packet of coke. Sirius wants to scream.
“I wanted to come to you, I already had my dealers for the pills when we met and then I started–”
“You think I’m upset because you went to another dealer?” Moony looks up at him with wide eyes.
“Well, yeah, what else?” Sirius frowns.
Moony stands up and passes his hands in his hair, turning on himself, “Fucking stupid.” He mutters under his breath.
Sirius takes advantage of this moment to put everything back into his bag and to stand up in turn, “Listen I– I didn’t mean to upset you. Please don’t be upset, I won’t go to other dealers I–”
Moony turns to look at him with a glare and Sirius closes his mouth, “Padfoot, I don’t give a fuck about you buying from other dealers, fucking hell.” He passes both hands on his face. “I just– I just thought you were smoking weed and keeping to that and–”
“Can’t recognise the signs of a drug addict, can you?” Sirius snorts.
Moony looks at him with something in his eyes that Sirius is not able to read, something so far away from him, a bridge is building and Sirius wants to cross it before he is on the wrong side. He doesn’t know how to.
“I think I should stop selling you.” Moony murmurs.
“What?”
“I’m not your dealer anymore. I refuse to contribute to… that.” He says, gesturing in the direction of Sirius’ bag.
“You cannot do that!” Sirius cries out. “You cannot leave me.”
“I– I can’t watch you fall, Padfoot. I can’t watch you destroy yourself.”
“But I’m not! I’m– I’m handling it just fine, I swear.”
“You can’t handle it. Not alone. You have to ask for help.”
“Oh come on!” Sirius throws his hands in the air. “What is it with you people.”
“You can’t do that to yourself!” Moony explodes.
“I’m already doing it!” Sirius shouts back. He points his finger at the other man, “That’s rich of you, you’re the one selling drugs.”
Moony stumbles back and when Sirius is about to say something, the door opens.
“Sirius!” Dorcas says in a burst. “Here you are!” She looks alternately between Moony and him. “Am i interrupting something? Sorry but I really need you right now.”
“No.” Moony shakes his head. “You’re not interrupting anything. I was leaving.”
“Moony.” Sirius says.
“Good bye, Sirius.” Moony says as he leaves.
Something breaks inside of Sirius. It’s the first time he hears Moony say his name and he feels like it is the last. He feels like–
“I’m very sorry to interrupt you Sirius,” Dorcas starts again, a panicked expression in her face. “But I really need you right now.”
***
Marlene’s new habit is to arrive at the last given moment at every gig. Sometimes she arrives before the last given moment and waits outside, just to avoid having to talk with Dorcas. Waiting outside is getting more and more difficult the colder London gets, Marlene doesn’t do good with cold.
It is a bit childish she knows, avoiding Dorcas that much, but Marlene is tired of being mature, she’s fucking nineteen, leave her be!
Sometimes she asks herself how she got there, playing every week in a bar at nineteen with her best friends, avoiding the girl she’s in love with just because she cannot have her. Marlene would like to do friends, she just cannot.
Sometimes, she feels like maybe, maybe, Dorcas loves her back but isn’t ready for this yet. Most of the time, she knows Dorcas just wants a friend that Marlene is not able to give her anymore.
Avoiding Dorcas is how she finds herself at the far end corner of the bar, waiting for James and Peter to come back with her order. She asks herself briefly if Dorcas is hurt by the situation, but she decides to not go further into it.
Nancy didn’t come today and so Marlene has no excuse when a random man comes sitting next to her in the booth, blocking her against the wall.
“You were pretty good up there.” The man says with a smile.
“Thanks.” Marlene answers with a polite smile, trying not to fidget with her rings. It’s not often that people come to compliment her that directly. Not that she’s bad, but she’s always with someone and many often told her that she looks mean. She doesn’t mind.
“How’d you learn?” The man asks.
Marlene looks over at him, praying for James and Peter to join her quickly, she’s not in a mood for this right now. “Practice, like most things.” She says flatly.
The man barks a laugh way too exaggerated for the situation and Marlene tries not to cringe. Is this man hitting on her? Oh, fuck, Marlene hopes he’s not, she’s really not in the mood.
“You’re a funny girl.” The man says, pointing at her with his gross finger.
“Not that much.” She says back, looking at the finger with disgust. It is just a finger, really, like any man’s finger, but it is in Marlene’s face and she doesn’t like men.
The man laughs again and Marlene looks around, trying to see if James or Peter are around. They’re not. She’s stuck between the man and the wall on the booth, she cannot go anywhere.
She knows these type of men, the only way he is going to leave is if one of Marlene’s man friend comes to tell him to go. She hates it, because Marlene McKinnon doesn’t rely on any man, but some of them are only dissuaded by others of their kind.
“You’re very pretty too.” The man says, moving closer.
Marlene considers hitting him in the nose and running away. She looks at him up and down; right, bad idea.
“I have to go to the loo.” She says, pointing away from him. She’s plated in the corner, trying to move away from him. She doesn’t know for sure what he wants, but he’s a man and he smells like beer and Marlene’s heart is beating fast with fear. She wants to get out. She wants for James or Peter to come back.
“I can come with you.” The man smiles a disgusting smile full of lust and suggestions.
“I’d rather not.” Marlene says with a nervous laugh.
“Well, you can stay here a bit longer then.” He says, and it is not a question.
He’s extremely close to her now and Marlene doesn’t dare to look away anymore in case he gets offended and angry. There’s a thousand of answers coming to her mind, all of them are quite provocative. In the end she doesn’t say anything, only plasters herself more against the wall.
“What do you think of that?” The man continues.
“Not very much.” Marlene answers, then mentally face-palms herself. “I really need to pee.”
“You’ll pee later.”
Now Marlene is scared and she doesn’t know what to do, she doesn’t know what to say. A while ago, she could have had went over the table and leave, it would have been embarrassing but if she was fast enough, he wouldn’t have had time to react. But now he is too close, now he is reaching out to touch her, now…
“Hello there, who’re you?” Comes a voice from the other end of the table. Marlene turns to face Sirius, she could kiss him right now.
“We were talking.” The man says, a bit menacingly, Sirius seems unfazed.
“That wasn’t my question.” He says, arching an eyebrow. “I’m asking you who you are.”
“My name’s Phillip.” The man says.
“Right.” Sirius clicks his tongue. “Well I’m Sirius, now if you could please get the fuck out of here.”
“We were talking.” Phillip bites back.
“Cool.” Sirius deadpans. “And she’s a really fun girl to talk to, when she wants to talk to you. Which she doesn’t.” He turns to Marlene and the looks in his eyes makes her relax. “You don’t want to talk to him, do you?”
“Not really, no.” Marlene says, more confidently than she thought possible a few minutes before.
“Right.” Sirius smiles. He turns back to Phillip, “Then you can go take a walk and never come back.”
Phillip seems to be boiling and Marlene would enjoy it if he wasn’t so close to her still.
“Philip.” Sirius warns and Marlene could laugh. She thinks better of it and doesn’t.
“And who the fuck are you?” Philip snarls, moving a bit away from Marlene, eyes fixed on Sirius.
Sirius fakes offence, pointing alternatively at the stage and at himself, “I’m the bloody singer!” He says, a hand on his heart. After a second, his face becomes, well, serious again, “Now get the fuck away from my bassist before I kick you out of the bar myself.” He says, words cutting. He’s a bit scary like that and Marlene likes it.
Fucking Philip stands up at that and the next thing Marlene knows, Sirius and him are fighting. Philip could be twice Sirius’ weight but Sirius gives as much as he takes. Somewhere in the middle, James and Peter are here and the two fighting men are separated. Philip is thrown out, foreboded to ever come back by Slughorn who is here tonight, and Sirius is taken back to his dressing room.
“What the fuck Sirius?” James bursts when the door is closed and Sirius sat on a chair.
“He didn’t do anything wrong!” Marlene interrupts, coming in between the two men.
“He threw the first punch!” James shouts back.
Marlene blinks at him then turns to Sirius who is looking down at his bloody hand.
“Well it was deserved.” She mumbles, looking down too.
“I’m not saying it wasn’t deserved.” James says, much softer. “I’m saying he shouldn’t have been the first to hit.” He sighs and turns to Sirius, “Come on Pads, it had been ages since you last got into a fight. I thought you were over it.”
“Oh, fuck off, James.” Sirius blurts, now on his feet. “Just let me be, would you.”
“What’s on with you recently?” James frowns.
“You’re on with me recently! Just get off my back!”
James stumbles back, like Sirius just hit him not with words but with his fists. Marlene knows it can hurt way more, and the expression on James’ face tells her it does, oh, it really does.
There’s something breaking here, between Sirius and James, and Marlene sees at this moment it was already cracked, she just didn’t realise.
“Sirius, you can’t just–” Peter starts but Sirius is already grabbing his bag and jacket and bursting out of the room.
Marlene and Peter catch James as he breaks down, sobbing and asking what he did wrong, where he did wrong, and neither can Marlene or Peter answer, because they are asking themselves the same questions.
That night, when Marlene goes to Sirius’ place to talk to him, she doesn’t find him.
***
“Where is he?” Regulus asks.
James bites on his bottom lip and Regulus frowns. There’s something off. He doesn’t like it.
“I’m not sure he’s going to come.”
“Why?” Regulus frowns deeper, Sirius never misses a Sunday lunch at the Potters, that’s Regulus for you.
“We– we kind of fought yesterday, I think?”
“You think?” Regulus asks, baffled.
James sighs and sits on the sofa. Euphemia and Fleamont are in the kitchen, cooking. Regulus sits on the coffee table in front of James.
“He got into a fight. A guy who was bothering Marlene apparently and I– I kind of had a go at him because he threw the first punch and I thought he was over fighting in bars.” He takes a steadying breath and throws his head back. “He– he got mad at me. Told me to get off his back and all.” He lets out a laugh. “It’s nothing.”
“What’s on with him recently?” Regulus asks more to himself than to James.
James snorts and shakes his head, “That’s what I asked him. Word for word.
They fall silent and it is heavy. Sirius is doing worst than usual recently. A few weeks ago, he seemed better, it barely last. He looks like a shadow, dull and almost dead. His mood swings like a fucking weathervane and he’s even more messy than usually. Regulus finds empty bottles and full ashtrays all over his apartment, in places you shouldn’t find neither
“Something happened.” James says, not looking at Regulus but at the floor. “I’m not sure when I– fuck I didn’t see, Reg. I didn’t see and I should have and I don’t know what happened.”
“James.”
“I’m his best friend I should–”
“James.” Regulus says louder and James looks up.
“We don’t know what it is yet. He could– it was his birthday a while ago, he’s always a bit off at this time of the year, it’s maybe just worst this year. I’ll go talk to him after dinner, alright?”
He grabs James’ face with both his hands and James nods, “Just don’t be mean to him, please.”
Regulus rolls his eyes but cannot fight a small smile on his lips. It makes James grin and his mission here is completed. He kisses him lightly and gets up to help Euphemia and Fleamont with the table.
A few hours later, he’s in front of Sirius’ apartment. It is late afternoon and the sun is almost set since it is that time of the year.
He knocks and gets no response.
Rings and gets no response.
“Fucking shit.” He mumbles, fetching for his set of keys.
Inside the apartment, the curtains are shut, making it look like it is already night. Sirius isn’t in the living room which means he has to be in his bedroom, and although it is quite early to be already in bed, Regulus isn’t that surprised.
“Sirius?” He calls, knocking on the bedroom’s door.
The bedroom is filled with smoke and Sirius is laying on the bed, sleeping. Regulus wrinkles his nose and goes to the window, mumbling about how bad it smells.
“What is it with me and giving a key to fucking everyone?” He hears from the bed once the window is open.
“Everyone?” Regulus asks, crossing his arms on his chest. “I’m everyone?”
Sirius takes his face off the pillow to look at his brother. He still has black makeup under his eyes and his hair is a mess.
“I get it as you didn’t go to bed early.” Regulus cocks an eyebrow, taking in the state of his brother.
“Early in the morning.” Sirius grumbles, reaching for a bottle next to his bed. The liquid is transparent and Regulus hopes it is water.
“You didn’t come to the Potters dinner.” Regulus says.
“Wow, how did you figure out?” Sirius snorts.
Regulus ignores him, “James told me you two had a fight.” He says instead.
“Did he now?” Sirius asks, sitting on his bed.
“Sirius, what the fuck?” Regulus blurts, throwing his arms in the air. “You’re having fights with James now?”
“So what?”
“So– so what? You never fight with James. Never.”
“There’s a start to everything.” Sirius shrugs.
Regulus stares at him, bewildered. It is so unlike Sirius to be okay with having a fight with James.
Regulus goes to Sirius’ bed and carefully sits on the border of it, still watching his brother.
It feels like Sirius is about to snap at any moment.
“What is happening Sirius?” He asks softly.
“What is it with you people recently?” Sirius groans, falling back in his bed.
“P–People? I’m your fucking brother Sirius what the fuck? I’m worried about you!”
“Well get in line.” Sirius says and it is not even that bitter. It’s almost like if Sirius really is tired of people worrying about him and what the fuck, really.
Sirius was always the kind to relish in people’s attention, especially people he is close with.
The silence which falls is heavy and Regulus can feel it in his throat, or maybe it is just nerves. He doesn’t like this feeling. It makes him feel small, like he is still there, hiding and praying for his brother to be alright.
“What’s in your mind?” He asks, barely a whisper, because he always wanted to know what his big brother was thinking about.
“God.” Sirius says.
“God?”
Sirius hums. They don’t believe in god, so why would Sirius be thinking about god?
“When I die, I expect him to laugh.” Sirius scoffs. “That bastard’s got a sick sense of humour, doesn’t he?”
“Sirius.” Regulus murmurs.
“Oh come on, Reggie.” Sirius laughs. “It’s funny.”
Regulus shakes his head, this thing in his throat growing bigger and bigger. He’s not supposed to feel like that around Sirius. He never felt like that around Sirius.
“Why don’t you find it funny?” Sirius asks, suddenly sounding almost angry.
“I don’t want to laugh about your death.” Regulus says and it is small.
Regulus is not the kind to not laugh about death jokes, he’s one for dark humour and he would have, once upon a time, laugh about his brother’s possible death. So what is it about this joke that doesn’t make him laugh? What is it about Sirius talking about his death that makes him want to crawl in a hole and never get out?
“I’m going to take a shower.” Sirius says, getting up and walking to his bathroom without waiting for an answer.
Regulus sits in silence, the only sound in the room being the shower running in the bathroom. He feels quite exhausted suddenly, like this small conversation drained him of all his vitals forces.
Once again, he is not supposed to feel this around Sirius.
Sirius is his anchor, his hero, his big brother. A hero doesn’t take your forces away from you, he brings you anew, he lifts you up.
But maybe Sirius is not fit for the role of hero anymore. Maybe Sirius needs to be saved now. But can Regulus return the favour and be the hero this time? Will he be able to do this?
But if not him, who? James? James is strong, James has the shoulders, he can lift Sirius up. But isn’t it Regulus’ turn to be the strong one? To protect both Sirius and James. He can do this. He can try, at least. He has contacts and he is levelheaded. He’s only eighteen and both a published poet and a student. Both a brother and a lover. He can be both protected and the one protecting.
It’s just that… he doesn’t know what is going on with Sirius at the moment, because of course Sirius refuses to tell him and–
“What about we go out for dinner?” Sirius asks as he opens the door.
Regulus turns his head to look at him. He’s dressed already but his hair is still wet. There’s something weird about his eyes too, they seem darker, but Regulus is a bit far to tell and it really is getting dark now.
“I invite.” Sirius continues with a smile.
“Okay.” Regulus finally sighs. “But I choose where.”
Sirius breaks into a grin that could outshine the world, even thought it still feels like a shadow of his real one. He comes over to Regulus and passes an arm around his shoulders, “Come on. Let’s go.”
At the restaurant, Sirius orders a bottle of wine and it strikes Regulus that Sirius has been drinking more lately. Maybe it is what all of this is about. He makes a mental note to himself to talk about it to Sirius. He knows his brother won’t like it, but it is something he has to do.
For the moment, he enjoys a dinner out with his brother.