Chapter 7
On Wednesday afternoon, two days after he got his brother out of prison, Regulus goes to the Blue Chair Bar to talk to him. He goes to the bar wishing for Sirius to be in advance, or at least on time, so he could maybe, maybe, avoid James. They talked two days ago when Regulus was looking for Sirius everywhere in town but the conversation was very brief and it was not like if they had a real discussion, it was mostly panic.
However, Sirius cannot for anything in hell be in time and probably never heard of the word ‘punctuality’ in his life. So, after a time of waiting, James arrives, his brown hair nothing but shiny and his glasses not straight on his face, looking so beautiful.
Oh but who was Regulus fooling? If he really wanted to avoid James he wouldn’t have come to the bar in the first place. He could have met Sirius at his place or call him for a meet up in a coffee, but Regulus convinced himself that the bar was the best place to meet, and he convinced himself that he wanted to avoid James. He’s such a fool. He turns heels and goes to Dorcas who is alone behind the bar. Surprisingly, Marlene is not bothering her, she’s at the other side of the room, tuning her bass, and Dorcas is staring at her.
“What’s new?” Regulus says, sitting in front of her.
She looks at him pointedly, “I had sex with Marlene.” She says deadpan, and it is like she has been dying to let the words out.
Regulus is a little taken by surprise at the sudden confession but he then makes a small smirk, “You’ve been burning to talk about it to someone, weren’t you?”
“She’s my only friend!” Dorcas cries out. “I couldn’t talk about it to anyone.”
“So, what went wrong?”
“Why do you assume something went wrong?” Dorcas defensively asks.
“Because she’s out there tuning her tuned bass and not where I’m seated.” Regulus says unimpressed.
“Yeah well you’re in a right place to judge, are you? You’re avoiding James.”
“I’m not sure that’s the matter right now.” Regulus pushes the conversation. Let’s not talk about him, shall we? “What happened?” He asks, more kindly than before.
Dorcas groans and lets her head fall in her hands. She opens her mouth to speak but James comes next to Regulus at the same moment and she freezes.
“Hi.” He says kindly.
“We were in the middle of a private conversation you weren’t invited in.” Regulus looks at him, not bothering to respond.
James opens his mouth then closes it and nods, something like surrender in his expression that is so, so sad. “Are you here to see Sirius?” He asks.
“Yes.” Regulus answers.
“Well he shouldn’t be long now.” James says, a note of anger and annoyance that Regulus never heard in his voice before, and he walks away, not glancing back at Regulus.
Regulus watches him go then turns his head back to Dorcas to hear what she wanted to say before, only to find her looking at him with a sort of mocking grin. “What?” He asks.
“That’s totally our matter right now.” She says.
“No.” Regulus shakes his head. “I don’t want to talk about it and you’re dying to spread the whole Marlene story out. I’m all hear.” Regulus says, greedy for gossips.
Regulus always loved gossip. He first started with Sirius, of course, like almost everything, and then he grew up and met Pandora, Barty and Evan, all fucking gossip addicts. If there was something to know, they had to know it. But truly, it was Pandora that provided them the most. With her angel-like face and kind expression, everyone was eager to tell her anything, and lord did Pandora take advantage of that.
But Pandora was also using her talent for other purposes. Like shutting down rumours. When it was first hinted in their conservative school that Regulus might be gay, she managed to make everyone forget about it. When Sirius and him ran away and the trial began, she buried every spark of gossip about the Black brothers. Pandora truly is his godmother.
Regulus is taken back to reality by a loud sigh from Dorcas, “It wasn’t planned, really. I kissed her, I don’t know why, the candlelight and all–”
“Candles?” Regulus asks, surprised.
“Last week. We stayed trapped during the storm.”
“Oh. The power cut.”
Dorcas nods, “And then it went down hill she kissed me back and well, you know. Great Heavens, Regulus, the wonders she does with her mouth!”
Regulus fights a snort, “Are you sure we’re close enough for you to share these kind of informations?”
“Does James does wonders with his mouth?” She raises an inquisitive eyebrow, fighting a smile.
“I don’t know. I don’t want to know.” Regulus says and Dorcas throws him a look. “Okay, maybe I want to know, but could we not talk about that here?”
Dorcas seems to suddenly realise that they are in the same place as both Marlene and James and she blinks rapidly. “Maybe we could have a chat around a diner someday.” She says.
“Sounds great to me.” Regulus says, turning at the door to wait for Sirius to arrive, only to find James passing it, phone in hand. When did he get out?
“Sirius is not coming.” He says to the room with a sigh. “Says he feels sick.”
“Are we still practicing?” Peter asks a second before he realises it is not the first question to ask. “Is he alright?”
James nods, “He says he wants to be alone.” And as he says this, James looks toward Regulus.
“Well I’m definitely going home.” Marlene says, pushing to her feet and putting her bass back in its case.
Regulus and James are in the middle of a staring contest and they don’t even wave Marlene goodbye. Regulus barely notices Peter following her lead.
After a few long minutes (during witch Dorcas seems to have evaporated too), James steps forward and grabs Regulus wrist. Not too firmly, but enough so he can make him follow him.
“What are you doing?” Regulus says, trying but not really trying to free his arm.
“I’m taking you somewhere.” James says as they exit the bar, determination in his voice.
“That’s kidnapping.” Regulus protests.
James comes to a stop and turns to him, not letting go of his wrist, “Do you want to follow me or not?” He asks.
Regulus thinks for an instant. What does he really want? The answer has been the same since years, at least when it concerns James. “Show the way.” He sighs, and James resumes walking.
They walk for a time and Regulus has no idea where they are going, but James seems to know, so he follows. They don’t talk for the whole walk and Regulus doesn’t really complain. He stares at the part of James’ face appearing behind the curls. The tip of his nose, the pulp of his lips, the branches of his glasses, the end of his strikingly long eyelashes. He studied the details of James’ face so many times that he can see the part of his face that are not visible in his head, draw them in thin lines by memory.
Finally, they arrive in front of a wall with a gigantic mural. A wall in front of which Regulus already passed.
He turns to James who is looking at the wall and suddenly turns to him. “I don’t understand.” Regulus says.
James looks back at the mural. “We passed in front of this mural a few years ago now. Sirius, you and I. You stopped to take a picture of it.” Regulus frowns and is about to say something when James speaks again, looking pointedly at him. “And then Escapism was published. And you wrote a whole poem about this mural.”
“How–” Regulus starts before getting interrupted.
“You wrote about feeling trapped in this mural. You wrote about feeling like drowning in those waves, pull down by the creatures represented. You wrote about the different shades of blue and how the darker they get, the scarier it becomes. You wrote about wanting to reach the surface.” He pauses. “Have you reached the surface, Regulus?”
Regulus stays silent, baffled. He never talked about this mural. He wrote about it, it is true, but he never named it. “How do you– how?” He asks.
“It’s the one hundred and eighth.” James says. “It’s an important number for you, one hundred and eight.”
“The panic attack number.” Regulus says, in complete chock.
“Yeah. The panic attack number.” James repeats.
When they just escaped, Regulus used to have numerous panic attacks. He used to count until it stopped and one hundred and eight was always the number where the crisis started to calm down. James must be the only one to know about that number, and he remembered it for all those years. And he noticed the poem being placed at this number. And he remembered the mural. And he understood the links.
“Why taking me here?” Regulus asks.
James swallows and throws a quick look at the mural, Regulus imitates him. “Because I know you, Reg. You told me I don’t but I do. I know you and I love you and I’ve loved you for longer than I thought because I noticed that as soon as I read it.” He point at the painting. “And I’ve always noticed you and I don’t know what you’re scared about because you’re perfect, you’re absolutely perfect Regulus. And I want to know if you reached the surface. Because I want you to reach it, and if you didn’t, I want to help you reach it. I want you to let me in, love.”
Regulus stares, not knowing what to say. His whole body is in some kind of secondary state, and his mind is further away. “Do you meant all of it?”
“Everything.”
“That you’ll wait for me?” James nods. “That it’s only me?” James nods again. “That I’m perfect?” James nods. “That I’m a good person?” James nods again.
“I could repeat all these things over and over again, Reg, it won’t make them less true. I want you and I love you and you’re good and perfect and I’ll wait for you to be ready but I cannot support you ignoring me. I cannot support you looking at me with no feelings in your eyes. I’m not strong enough. I’m not.” His voice cracks on the last words and Regulus steps forward to embrace him in case he starts crying. Because seeing James cry is one of the things he doesn’t have the strength to see.
“Maybe we can try.” He says, his chin on James’ shoulder. “But I need some time. I’m not ready for anything yet.”
James pulls away, his arms still around Regulus’ waist, “Anything, love. I’ll wait a thousand years for you.”
And that, really, is what gets to Regulus, because he never thought someone could love him that much, and he knows James. James is not a liar. When he tells Regulus that he loves him, he means it. When he tells him that he’ll wait, he means it. James is the most honest and pure person the world ever encountered and Regulus fell in love with that all those years ago.
And the reason he fell in love with James is possibly the reason why he is so scared to be with him, because he is everything but pure and honest, but if James wants him, he is willing to try. Even if James deserves better.
***
Marlene looks surprised to see Dorcas at her door and, honestly, Dorcas is surprised to be here too. It’s Thursday morning and she’s supposed to have classes but that’s kind of more important, because it’s been a week since Marlene and her haven’t talked and she is not doing well. Not at all.
“You brought flowers?” Marlene points at the bouquet in Dorcas’ hand.
Dorcas looks down at it, like if she is surprised to see the flowers there, then extends her arm to give them to Marlene, “I have.”
“That’s usually what lovers do when they messed up.” Marlene says, leaning against the frame of the door, not taking the flowers. She’s beautiful, really.
“I messed up.”
“Did you?”
“I don’t want to loose your friendship, Marlene. I–I know we might have things to work out. I know that– I know that friends don’t usually shag but I– did that ruin our friendship? Because I don’t want to ruin our friendship.” Dorcas bursts in a breath.
Marlene looks at her in silence then sighs loudly, closing her eyes and turning back to the door frame to tap her head against it.
“Don’t do that.” Dorcas frowns, placing her hand behind Marlene’s head.
Marlene pulls away, waiting for Dorcas to move her hand and leans back against the frame when she feels like she did. She hasn’t opened he eyes and seems resolved not to look at Dorcas. “I fancy you since day one, Cas. I entered the Blue Chair Bar because I saw you and thought you were the most beautiful woman walking this planet. That was the best decision in my life. And then I get to know you and see that you’re not only beautiful, you’re also quite brilliant, and nice, and funny. And so I really fancy you. You know it. Maybe not at first but you’ve known it since a while now. At least since that bloke in the back room.” She sighs again. “I think I need time.”
“You’ve been avoiding me.”
“I need space, Dorcas.” She says, opening her eyes and turning to face Dorcas.
Oh, Dorcas thinks, oh.
“Should we–we should probably talk about it.” Dorcas manages to say, but it is a struggle to talk when Marlene looks at her like that.
“You think so?”
“I don’t want to loose your friendship, Marlene, because it is all I have. You’re my only friend, the only real one, and I cannot loose that. I really, really care for you and like you and I cannot loose you. I don’t want to.”
“Dorcas I– I’m not sure I can continue to pretend that all I want from you is your friendship. Not when I had you whole. Not when I got to touch you and to kiss you and to force those wonderful sounds out of your mouth. I’m not sure I can stay near you, be your friend, when I had you as more than that.” Marlene says, never breaking eye contact, because she’s at it apparently now. It fucking hurts. It bloody fucking hurts. “I’m not asking anything from you. You don’t owe me anything because we shagged once but I cannot just pretend it never happened when I haven’t stopped thinking about it. I’m sorry Dorcas.”
“Don’t be.” Dorcas murmurs, looking down.
They stay in silence for a while and finally, Marlene straighten and spreads from the door frame, “I’ll see you tonight.” She says.
“What about the flowers?” Dorcas stupidly asks, not even really knowing why.
Marlene looks at the bouquet for a while then sadly smiles, “You’re not really a lover that messed up, are you?” She says, not really a question, a matter of facts. “Keep them. They look prettier next to you.”
And on that, she closes the door, letting Dorcas alone with her remorses and her bouquet of purple flowers.
She leans against the wall behind her and stares at the door of Marlene’s flat for a while before closing her eyes and sinking to the ground. She knew for the moment she kissed Marlene that there was no turning back. She cannot deny that she’s not straight anymore, and even less that she fancies Marlene, but the problem is that before all of that, Marlene was her friend. Her very first friend. Her best friend. She really didn’t want to mess this up and still, she did. But who was she to think she stood a chance?
And so Dorcas gets up and leaves. She stares at the flowers and doesn’t know what to do with them. She won’t throw them away, but she cannot keep them neither. Why did she even buy flowers in the first place? Dorcas doesn’t really know what went on in her mind this morning when she decided to come to Marlene. First, Marlene leaving in such a hurry the day prior when she learned that Sirius wasn’t coming, not even throwing a glance in Dorcas’ direction. Then, the three days after the storm when Marlene avoided her before and after their shows. She arrived last, even after Sirius, and she barely waved at Dorcas. She performed and she didn’t even look over in Dorcas’ direction. She left and she made sure Dorcas didn’t see when. It’s all of that that brought Dorcas in front of Marlene’s door with her stupid flowers this morning. Flowers she doesn’t know what to do with now.
She grabs her phone and looks through her contacts before pressing call next to Regulus’ name. They exchanged numbers the afternoon they first talked and they have been chatting since, Regulus more open than Dorcas would have thought.
“What is it?” Regulus says when he picks up.
“Always so nice.” Dorcas answers.
“Is there anything wrong?” Regulus asks, a note of annoyance in his voice.
“What are you doing right now? Fancy a bouquet?”
“What the– alright.” Regulus sighs. “I’ll send you an address. Bye.” And on that he hangs up.
Dorcas shakes her head with a soft smile, already fond of the boy. She’s sure she’s not the only one who has something to share today, she saw Regulus and James’ interaction yesterday, something happened, she’s sure of that, and he better tell her.
“Why do you even have flowers?” Regulus says when she sits in front of him at the terrace of the cafe he told her to meet him.
“Hello. How are you? Fine and you? Oh you know. Oh, why do you have a bouquet? Something happened? Yeah, about that.” Dorcas says.
Regulus rolls his eyes, “Hello. I’m fine. I assume that you’re not totally. Who refused your stupid bouquet? Why did you think I’d want it.” He says in the same tone as she did.
“Why do you assume someone refused my bouquet?” Dorcas frowns, offended.
“Because you didn’t buy it for me.”
“I could have.”
“You didn’t.”
Dorcas sighs and throws her head back, “I went to Marlene.”
“How surprising.” Regulus answers, unimpressed.
“Why are you so mean to me!” Dorcas yelps.
“I’m mean to everyone. Don’t think you’re special.”
“Ouch.” Dorcas says and Regulus’ lips twitch on the sides.
She then tells him about her morning and about what is going on in her head. It is actually easy to talk to Regulus, easier than she would have thought. Maybe it is because he listens, really listens. And even if he’s often mean or harsh, Dorcas is quite entertained by it and she knows it is a coping mechanism. Sirius is certainly not the only one with trauma.
“What do I do?” She asks once she’s over.
“Well she obviously needs time. And she obviously wants more than you can give her.” Regulus says.
“Yeah I got that one.” Dorcas sighs.
“You have several options. You can keep only polite contacts with her, waving her hello and goodbye at the bar. You can have nothing to do with her anymore, but that would be complicated since she comes to the bar four times a week. Or you can try to be more with her.” Regulus lists, carefully saying each options.
“I’m not sure I can do that.”
“Then don’t. That’s valid too. You don’t have to be with someone juste because they want to. It’s just that you obviously fancy her and, well, you could give it a try. What do you have to loose anyway?”
“Her friendship.”
“Do you even have that anymore?” Regulus asks, not anything mean in his tone.
Dorcas groans and falls dramatically in her arms, “I hate you.”
“You’re breaking my heart.” Regulus deadpans.
Dorcas lightly laughs and looks at him pointedly, “What about you?” She asks and Regulus looks away, “Did you give it a try?”
Regulus closes his eyes then inhales deeply, “I did.” He murmurs.
“You did?” Dorcas blurts, surprised. Regulus nods. “Tell me about it. Why do you look defeated?”
“Well, I will. I– I’m not sure why I said I will, honestly.” Regulus says, something like shame in his voice.
“Because you love him.” Dorcas says. “That’s beyond attraction. Beyond everything. That’s love.”
“I’m scared.” Regulus murmurs. “He’s so reassuring and he’s basically perfect, it’s James, of course he is perfect. And I don’t want to ruin that perfection. I don’t want to hurt him, Dorcas. I think– I think I really love him.”
Dorcas is sure it is the first time in a while, if not ever, that Regulus allows himself to be so sincere in front of someone, and Dorcas is thankful to be that someone. It seems hard for him to express those things and Dorcas would really like to comfort him, but they don’t know each other enough for her to know what to tell him.
She tries, nonetheless, “I know James. Not as much as you, but I’ve met him and talked to him. James is not the kind of person to run after someone that will ruin him. He genuinely loves you if I can only judge by his demeanour and his eyes. You love him and he loves you, there is nothing to be afraid of.” She puts her hand on his, “You’re not going to ruin anyone Regulus. You’re an human, not a bomb, not a weapon, not a volcano, not a natural disaster. Humans don’t ruin people unless they mean to. Do you mean to ruin him, Regulus?”
“I don’t.” Regulus shakes his head. “I really don’t.”
“Then there is nothing to be afraid of.” She smiles. “Come on. You shouldn’t be with me right now, go to him.”
“But–” Regulus starts.
“Take the flowers with you.”
“I’m not sure giving him flowers meant for someone else is a good start for a relationship.” Regulus presses his lips.
“Oh just tell him the truth. Well not the whole thing, please, but just take the bloody flowers Regulus.”
Regulus sighs, rolls his eyes and finally agrees. He leaves rapidly, trying not to seem too eager, but Dorcas knows better, she knows he’s resisting the urge to run to James and, honestly, she gets that.
***
“Regulus?” James says, opening his door to the boy. Messy hair, purple flowers in hands, he is gorgeous, absolutely breathtaking.
It’s been a month since James realised the nature of his feelings toward Regulus and every time he sees him he asks himself how he could have been so blind. He always wanted Regulus, he’ll always want Regulus. James is sure he’ll die alone if he cannot have him, and he’s okay with that. He’s totally okay with that.
James is ashamed to confess that he expected Regulus to ignore him again, to run away and to never really try. And he was okay with that, he made peace with the idea of ending up alone and wanting Regulus forever without having him.
But now Regulus is in front of him with flowers and this expression of his that James could spend years studying and never fully get what it is about.
“I didn’t buy the flowers for you, Dorcas gave them to me but you can have them if you want to.” Regulus says in a breath, extending the bouquet.
James gently grabs it and looks at the flowers for a long time before focusing back on Regulus, “I suppose I won’t have any explanations about why she gave them to you.”
“You suppose well.” Regulus says and James smirks.
“Would you come inside?” He asks, pressing against the door frame to make room and Regulus nods as he walks in. James closes his eyes, breathes in, then follows him. “Do you want anything? Tea? Coffee?”
“No I’m alright. Thanks” Regulus says, looking around.
James is not sure if Regulus ever came in this flat. James moved out a few months ago, before that they all lived in the same flat, Sirius, Peter, Marlene and him. It was quite a mess but James often misses it, he’s not sure he’ll ever get used to live alone, that’s way too quiet.
“So,” James starts, not really knowing where he is going, “what’s new?”
He mentally slaps himself as he finishes the last sentence. What’s new? What’s new? Who says that?
Regulus snorts and James looks at him in surprise.
“I have things to say, and we should talk.” Regulus says, sitting on the sofa.
James sits next to him and looks at him, he’s wondrous, he’s marvellous, “Alright. I’m listening.”
Regulus sighs and closes his eyes, when he opens them again he is not looking at James, “I fell in love with you more than three years ago. That’s when I stopped hanging out with you. Because I couldn’t love you. I couldn’t love you because you’re Sirius’ best friend, and Sirius is not doing well. I couldn’t love you because I hurt people–”
“You don’t hurt people.” James interrupts firmly.
“Let me talk, would you?” Regulus says, and James snaps his mouth shut. “I couldn’t love you because you were a man and I didn’t know anyone who was openly queer. And so I ran away. And I spent all this time trying to forget you, and I really thought I was finally over you. But I’m not. And I’m not sure I’ll ever be. And I had a talk with Dorcas and she told me that human do not ruin people when they don’t mean to and I don’t mean to hurt you. But I’m still scared. Acknowledging it doesn’t make me less scared. I’m terrified. But– I do want you and I do love you so maybe–maybe we could try. I know I agreed yesterday but I– I totally mean it this time. Not that I didn’t mean it yesterday, but I’m not sure I was ready to face my fears. I am now. I am ready to share them with you and to work on it. If you still want me.” Regulus falls silent and James doesn’t say anything. Regulus turns to him and gives him a small nod, “You can talk now.”
“Can I hug you?” James asks.
“You can. You definitely should.”
And so James hugs Regulus. And it feels so right that he doesn’t know why Regulus has any fear. They are future together, they are eternal. James believes in fate and he knows that it is destiny. It was always meant to be, Regulus and him. Just like he was always meant to be Sirius’ best friend. Just like he was always meant to go to boarding school and start a band. James was honestly meant for a lot of things.
Regulus is hugging him like he is scared of James running away, but James is not going anywhere, there is nowhere else he’d rather be.
Finally, it is Regulus who breaks the embrace and he straightens his clothes, “Now we should talk.”
“Yeah. Alright. I do have things to say. Is it alright if I base myself on what you said?”
“It is.”
“Brilliant.” He falls silent and stares at Regulus for a while. “I love you. I love you like I never loved before, and God knows how many times I thought I was in love.” He blinks then coughs. “Yeah, hum, that sounded weird. The thing is: it is different with you. Because what I feel is different. It is stronger, it is consuming. And maybe all those times I thought I was in love didn’t work out because of you. Well, not you, but because I was in love with you. All this time. And I know it is scary, I’m afraid too. But you shouldn’t be afraid to hurt me because you won’t, Regulus. You don’t hurt people, I know that because I know you. And I won’t let you hurt me neither.”
James knows he is lying by saying that, he’ll take everything Regulus is willing to give him, even pain, but that is what Regulus needs to hear, and he’ll tell him anything.
“What if I do? Hurt you, I mean. What if I hurt you and you’re not able to prevent it, because no one is able to prevent pain. Absolutely no one.”
“I am.” James smiles. “You won’t hurt me like I won’t hurt you. You’ve been hurt enough in your life, love. Let me take care of you. Let me love you.”
James watches Regulus, waiting for an answer, waiting for anything.
“I said I was ready to try.” Regulus says, carefully. “I didn’t mean I was ready for a relationship.” He turns to look James right in the eyes, “But we should try. By that I mean that we should hang out, spend time together and see where it can lead us. Maybe we’ll end up somewhere, maybe not, but at least we would have tried.”
James looks at Regulus and knows those words were hard for him to say, he knows Regulus is not someone who tries, he’s someone who runs, he’s someone who handles things in silence.
James is quite emotional about being able to see this Regulus, a Regulus who has been hiding since he was fifteen.
“I’ll be really happy to try with you, love.”