Chapter 4
A month has passed since the Johnny’s incident and Marlene and Dorcas’ relationship went back to normal. Well, if their relationship was ever normal. It went back to what it was anyway.
Johnny never came back to the bar and Dorcas is really glad that he didn’t since she didn’t feel it in herself to kick him out. She would have, that’s for sure, but the idea only bores and annoys her. She also totally stopped thinking about him weeks ago, it was never going to be serious between them, Dorcas knows that.
“Hiya Cas!” Sirius says entering the bar.
“Pads! How is it done that you’re in advance? Is it raining blood?” She asks pretending to look out the window and fighting a smirk.
“Ha, ha.” Sirius ironically laughs. “That’s a very funny joke that you just made Dorcas.”
“What do you want?” She shudders with fake modesty. “I’m hilarious.”
Sirius shakes his head and sits at the bar before asking for a drink, “Marlene isn’t there?” He asks when she gives him his whiskey.
Dorcas shakes her head, “Not yet.”
“Are you two alright?”
Dorcas looks at him. Of course they’re alright. Why wouldn’t they be? They’re perfectly alright, they’re friend, very good friends. “What wouldn’t be alright?” She asks looking away to clean an already clean surface. Is something not alright? If Sirius asks, maybe it is because Marlene told him something? Is something not alright?
Sirius looks at her with a bit of pity in his eyes then sighs, “Nothing, sorry. Just checking.”
Dorcas comes back to him and offers him peanuts that he accepts. “How is it done that you’re on time? Genuinely asking.”
“I’ve seen my friend yesterday.” Sirius says with a fond smile.
Oh, it’s that then. Dorcas knows that boy is Sirius’ dealer (she never remember his name) but she also knows it’s not all there is. They have some kind of connexion, above the professional exchanges. And she also knows they talk and see each other more than a dealer and his client usual do, for what she knows about those kind of things at all. But overall, she doesn’t really put much attention in this story, Sirius’ friends seem invested enough for her to be too, she thinks Sirius gets enough of lessons about that for her to participate.
“Nice.” She says with a smile. “You’ve never been so early.”
“Come on, it must have happen once.”
“No, I’m one hundred percent positive that you are always the last one to arrive. The order is usually Marlene, Peter, James then you. Sometimes James and Peter arrive at the same time.”
“But Marls is always first.” Sirius says.
“Always.” Dorcas smiles. Today, Marlene had a meeting with a cousin of her, that’s why she’s not there yet.
Actually, Dorcas hasn’t seen Marlene since last Saturday. They talked through the phone but neither of them had time to meet. Dorcas had to study for an exam (not an important one since it is only the beginning of the year, but still) and to meet with her mother, which is always kind of a matter. It is not that Dorcas has bad relationships with her mum, she loves her mum, her mum loves her too. But she can be strict. Rigid. Growing up, Dorcas had so much pressure that she started loosing her hair. After that episode, her mother cooled down, but the pressure never totally disappeared. So each time she has to see her mum, Dorcas has to prepare, particularly mentally, because her mum always has got something to say, something to criticise. It’s that she always had great expectations for Dorcas and she wanted her to fulfil them. Now, of course, Dorcas is partially doing so. Partially because she is top of her class but she works at a bar. We can never have it all it seems.
Dorcas is used to the harsh words by now, most of the time she disconnects while her mother talks about those things and reconnects when they slide to brighter subjects. Her mum is far from perfect, but Dorcas loves her anyway.
This constant pressure led Dorcas to little social interaction during her school time, which mean no friends at all. She only has one ‘friend’ in her class and otherwise, it’s only the people from the bar, and mainly the members of Spiritual Animals. Well, Marlene really. She gets on really well with the other three, particularly Peter, but she didn’t link with them during the four months and a half they’ve known each other. She feels like she could befriend Sirius’ little brother, Regulus, since he’s a poet and that is one of Dorcas’ favourite genre, but each times he comes to see the band perform, he sits in a corner and they never get the time to talk. Once, Regulus brought Pandora, one of his closest friend, and Dorcas and her talked for a while, she’s really nice, but she didn’t come back since. So yeah, Dorcas only has Marlene, but she’s not blind and she knows that Marlene doesn’t want to be just her friend.
Only, that scares Dorcas. Not in the homophobic way, in the what-the-hell-should-I-do way. Because, well, she really likes Marlene, but in which way? She never envisaged liking girls and even less being with one. All this story is so complicated!
People entering the bar cut her from her thoughts. She frowns: the bar is not open yet and those people are not from the band. She’s about to kick them out when Sirius extends his arms and walks to them.
“Reggie! Reggie’s friends!” He says.
Reggie? Regulus? She sees the boy’s head appearing from behind two tall boys and Sirius passes an arm around his shoulders, ignoring the three other people (Pandora and two boys Dorcas doesn’t know).
“Dorcas, this is my brother, Regulus. Did I ever introduced the two of you?” Sirius asks, making Regulus stop in front of her.
“We never talked.” Regulus says.
“Nice to meet you.” Dorcas says.
“Pleasure.” Regulus responds, lips slightly twitching.
The three other people join them and Pandora sits on a stool. She smiles at Dorcas and indicates the stools next to her to the two other boys.
“How are you doing?” She asks to Dorcas.
“I’m doing fine.” Dorcas answers. Are they here to watch the repetition? Dorcas hasn’t been noticed about it.
Like if he is reading his mind, Sirius tells her exactly that: they are here to watch their practice and they forgot to tell her. After that they all start to chat. Dorcas is introduced to Barty and Evan, the two other boys, and she gets along with them pretty well. Regulus is rather silent, but Dorcas gets that it’s how he is, it is also how she used to be.
James and Peter end up arriving and everyone goes to them, they’ve all known each other for years, only Regulus stays being, sitting on his stool and gazing at the group.
“Are you alright?” Dorcas asks after watching him for a while.
Regulus shakes his head like if he has been somewhere else entirely and Dorcas guesses he probably was. “Why?” He frowns.
Dorcas looks at him in surprise. What is she suppose to answer to that? “You don’t seem. Alright I mean.”
“Ah.” Regulus makes, looking back at the group of people chatting. Barty and Sirius went outside, probably to smoke and Dorcas notices Marlene with them, she probably arrived when they got out.
She focuses back on Regulus who is still staring. Oh. “James?” She asks really low.
Regulus’ head snaps in her direction and he watches her with more expression that she ever saw on his face. He throws a glance in James’ direction (probably to check if he heard) then right back at her. “What are you on about?” He whispers.
“Come on, I’m not blind.”
“We don’t know each other.” He frowns.
“You and James?”
“Shut it!” He snaps but low so he’s not heard by the four people still chatting, meters from them.
Dorcas raises an eyebrow at him and he buries his face in his hands. “Fuck.” He whispers. “Don’t talk about that to anyone. Especially not Sirius. How did you even know?”
“I don’t know. Did no one ever noticed?”
“No.” Regulus shakes his head. “I’m sure no one noticed. My friends are not of the kind to be discreet about it.”
“So it’s a secret relationship?”
“What? No. We’re not in a relationship.”
Dorcas looks at him baffled, “What do you mean you’re not in a relationship?”
“It’s one sided.” Regulus sighs.
Dorcas frowns. How the fuck is it one sided? Is Regulus blind? Doesn’t he see? “Except if it is on his side, I can assure you it is not one sided, you’re lying to yourself.”
Regulus looks down and turns a soft shade of pink, barely noticeable if one isn’t paying attention.
When he opens his mouth to respond, Marlene arrives. She looks at Dorcas with a smile, “Hello Cas.”
“Hello Marls.” Dorcas answers.
Marlene watches Dorcas with a foolish lover’s smile then notices Regulus and passes an arm around his shoulder, “Oi! What is going on? Haven’t seen you blush since you first met Monty.” She says.
Regulus pushes her away and takes back his usual expressionless face, “Haven’t seen you smile like such an idiot other than when Euphemia is around.” He replies and Marlene laughs.
“What do you want me to say?” She shudders with a smile. “No one can resist Effie’s charm, especially not me.”
Dorcas watches with weird exchange. Weird, because she doesn’t know who are those people, and weird, because she wouldn’t have guess that these two could get along that way, or in any possible way. But there is something entertaining in their dynamic. She gazes in the direction of the other group of people (Sirius and Barty came back in) and catches James staring at Regulus. Yeah, Dorcas is never wrong about those kind of things. How is it done that no one noticed but her? Are all of these people delusional? She doesn’t even have to think twice to know that they are, oh yes they are.
“Alright!” Peter calls, clapping his hands. “Time to start.”
Marlene winks at Regulus and Dorcas when she leaves them to go on stage and Dorcas leans against the counter, “You and I have a conversation to finish.” She says.
Regulus looks at her but after a time something softens in his gaze and he rolls his eyes, “Alright. We’ll finish that talk someday.”
***
Regulus has been avoiding James for weeks and James starts to get desperate; he doesn’t know what to do. They haven’t talked about it once, not even an evocation. Well, they haven’t really talked about anything for all of it. So James saw in Regulus’ acceptance to attend their repetition an opportunity, a hope, but when he arrived, Regulus didn’t even greet him. James really is desperate. He was never so happy to get on stage, because there, Regulus will have to look at him, or at least to listen to him. He’ll just have to: James as several solos.
Nevertheless, when he is playing, James tries not to think about him and to focus on what he has to do. It works pretty well, at least he doesn’t do mistakes. He was scared to do some, because it’s the first time Regulus comes to see them play since they kissed.
The night after Marlene surprised Dorcas kissing some bloke, she did so many mistakes during the first part of the set that Peter literally shook her and asked her what was happening to her, James couldn’t risk that.
“I need a wireless mike!” Sirius cries out at the end of a song.
“Well, buy yourself one.” Peter groans, tired of Sirius’ eternal request.
“I can’t even fucking turn on myself. I want a wireless mike.”
“We get it Pads.” Marlene sighs. “But we don’t have a wireless mike on us, do we?”
Sirius rolls his eyes and nods. James looks around past the scene and meets Regulus’ eyes, already staring at him. Regulus doesn’t look away instantly. For a moment, James thinks he’s just looking at nothing and, past this nothing, it is him, but soon after something shifts in Regulus’ eyes. A sort of provocation. Fuck you Regulus Black.
“I need a break.” James says, taking his guitar handle off.
“What’s going on?” Sirius asks.
“Just going to the loo.” James jumps off the stage.
He ignores the group of people watching him and leads to the toilets. He stares at his reflection in the mirror for a moment then throws some water at his face. When he opens back his eyes, he sees the reflection of Regulus staring at him. James volt face and stares back at Regulus. He wants to say something but he doesn’t know what, and even if he did, he’s too busy staring at the boy.
They don’t move and just stare at each other for a long moment. Why did Regulus follow him? Is he ready for a talk? James would like to ask, but he has to force the words out of his throat, and Regulus lets him speechless.
“Regulus.” He nonetheless hardly says after a time.
“I just wanted to pee.” Regulus says but he’s not moving.
“Did you?” James asks. Regulus nods. “Then why aren’t you going.”
“I am.”
James raises an eyebrow and tries a grin. “You don’t look like you’re about to.”
“James.” Regulus interrupts.
“Regulus.” James answers. They stare in silence for a while longer. James doesn’t think. He doesn’t think about what he should say, he doesn’t think about what he should do. Because there is nothing to say or do, is it? “Are you here to talk?”
“I’m here to pee.”
“Are you here to talk about it?” James repeats on the same tone.
“Talk about what?”
James hates it when Regulus acts stupid. But he doesn’t say it. He knows better than saying a Black brother he hates something about him.
James is not an angry person, he really isn’t, but there is something about Regulus denying that really pisses him off. There is something about his attitude that makes him want to throw hands. James doesn’t always know how to read between the lines, he doesn’t know how to read between Regulus’.
“You don’t want to talk?” He says a little bit more annoyed that he wanted it to sound. “Well I’ll talk. I kissed you, because I wanted to kiss you. And then you kissed me back. And after, after what? You act like if nothing happened. Or in contrary, you totally avoid me! And then you come here and you pretend you want to pee and, what? Why did you follow me here Regulus? Why did you accept my kiss and then just told me it was a bad idea without justifying your thought? Because I don’t think it was a bad idea Regulus. I don’t think we are a bad idea.”
Regulus stares at him with that non-expression expression, “You don’t know me James.”
“I’ve known you for years!” James bursts.
“Why did you kiss me?”
“Because I wanted to.”
“Why?”
“Because–because–” James stutters. He knows the answer deep down. Maybe he has known it for years. “Because I’m attracted to you.” He comes closer to Regulus, so close that they only need to do one step more to be chest to chest. “I’m attracted to you Regulus, and there is nothing you can do about that.”
Regulus breathes in deeply and closes his eyes, “I’ve fought it for years James, now it’s your turn.” He steps back and exits the bathroom.
James stares at the door for a moment then sighs, “Well, he was really not going to pee.” He grins.
He exists the loo soon after to find that Slughorn arrived. He greets him and learns that there is a storm tonight, the bar won’t open. They go back to they repetition but have to shorten it as it starts to rain, they won’t take the risk of all staying trapped here. Sirius goes first, running under the rain without any umbrella. Regulus is staring at the street and James approaches him.
“Scared of the rain?” He asks with a grin.
Regulus throws him one of his look, “I didn’t know it was going to rain.”
“You don’t have an umbrella?” James asks. Regulus shakes his head. “Come on. I’ll take you home.”
“Fuck off.” Regulus frowns. “I’ll find a way. I don’t need you.”
“Don’t be stubborn I’m not leaving you the choice.”
“Look who doesn’t know about consent.” Regulus scoffs.
James gasps, “I’ll notice you that I know everything about consent, but I’m not leaving you go home under the rain you’re going to catch a cold. Don’t you have a conference in a few days?”
Regulus opens his mouth but doesn’t say anything. He frowns and looks around, “Someone else will take me home.”
“Everyone already left, love. It’s only you and me.”
Regulus glares at James in silence for a moment then looks away, “Don’t call me love.”
“Come on. Let’s go.” James says pushing the door and opening his umbrella outside. He turns to look at Regulus and grins, “Come on Reg.”
Regulus sighs and follow James outside. He waves at Dorcas and Marlene still inside and James does the same with a grin that the two girls answer.
The storm hasn’t started yet, it’s only a strong rain, but it’ll get stronger. The walk to Regulus’ house is rather long but they don’t talk. The air is cold but James only feels the burn of the place Regulus’ arm is touching his own.
James has read Regulus’ book, and so he knows Regulus’ conflicted relationship with rain. Because in that house in which Sirius and Regulus grew up, rain meant one thing: they couldn’t leave the house. But there is something comforting about rain, about the sound of rain specifically. James thinks it’s the sound of rain that Regulus likes, because this sound can block every others.
“What do you like about rain?” James asks to be sure.
“What?”
“What do you like about rain?” James repeats.
“What makes you think I like rain?” Regulus raises an eyebrow.
“I read Escapism, Regulus.” James says unimpressed.
Regulus’ cheeks turn a soft and barely noticeable shade of pink, “You did?”
“Of course I did. You didn’t think so?” James asks surprised.
Regulus shakes his head, “Sirius didn’t.”
“I’m not Sirius.” James says. “And Sirius really wanted to read it.” James adds, always in the need to defend his best friend.
“I know.” Regulus murmurs. James only reads it on his lips, because the sound of rain is too loud on the umbrella.
They walk a bit more in silence and rain starts pouring stronger. As they approach Regulus’ apartment, wind has started blowing violently and they heard storm in the far.
“Alright, well, good evening.” James says once they are in the hall. Outside it is raining so much that he has to almost scream to be heard.
Regulus sighs, rolls his eyes and takes James’ umbrella from his hand, “I’m not letting you walk home under this.” He groans, closing the umbrella.
“I–”
“Come on. I’m making some tea.” Regulus cuts, climbing the stairs that lead to his flat.
James grins and follows him. It has been a while since he didn’t enter Regulus’ apartment but barely anything changed.
“Take off your shoes.” Regulus orders, hanging James’ umbrella on a hook next to the door.
James executes and continues to look around. No, not much changed. There is more books in the bookshelf (of course), a new blanket on the sofa and that’s barely all James can see. It has really been a while since he last came.
Regulus is in the kitchen, already preparing mugs and he tells to James to wash his hands. James watches him preparing their tea. They don’t talk but James doesn’t feel awkward, he never used to feel awkward with Regulus before. He likes Regulus’ silent company, that might be the only moments he likes to be silent.
Regulus gives him his tea without looking at him and James smiles when he sees the mug.
“That’s my favourite mug!” He says.
“Childish.” Regulus answers, taking a sip of his own tea.
James looks sadly at him, “What happened to us, Reg?”
“What do you mean?” Regulus looks up at him.
James sighs and puts his mug on the table where they sat, “Can we, please, have a real conversation for once? A real, open-hearted conversation.”
“Alright.” Regulus sighs. “Let’s talk.” He says putting his mug on the table in turn.
“You run away from me, Regulus.” James says.
“I don’t.”
“Yes you do. You ran away from me in high school, you ran away from me last month and now you’re running away from me again.”
“What do you want me to say?” Regulus asks, throwing his hands in the hair.
“To tell me why!”
“You know why!”
“I don’t!” They fall silent and James looks at Regulus’ profile. “Earlier, you told me to fight it.” James says, standing up. “You told me you’ve done so for years.” He turns Regulus’ face toward him with the tip of his fingers and Regulus stands up too. “What is it exactly that we have to fight?”
“James.” Regulus pleads, closing his eyes.
“Can you kiss me?” James dares.
“No.”
“Can I kiss you?” He tries. Regulus doesn’t answer, he hasn’t opened his eyes yet. “Regulus, please.” James begs and at that moment he realises the deepness of what he feels for the boy that used to cry in his arms.
“No.” Regulus murmurs, but it sounds painful to say.
“Why?” James murmurs back, moving closer. He won’t kiss Regulus without his consent, but he needs an explanation. Because Regulus said that he fought, and James understood that it was his attraction to him, because that’s the only thing that seems worth fighting for and against.
“Because I’m not supposed to fall in love with you.” Regulus says in a breath.
“Then I’m not supposed to fall in love with you neither.” James says, cupping Regulus’ jaw with his right hand, making Regulus open his eyes. “But I think it’s too late.”
“James.” Regulus says, a tear falling down his cheek.
“It was that all along, love. It was all there ever was. I was just too stupid to realise Regulus. All those years asking myself why I was sad when you didn’t come to family dinners, why I missed you when I didn’t talk to you for weeks, why I wanted to touch you when I saw you, why I breathed in so hardly when something smelled like you. All these questions have an answer and I understood it the moment you answered my kiss last month. Because it was the first time since high school I wasn’t craving for you, you were right there.”
James witnesses Regulus’ breath catching in his throat and the second that follows, Regulus is breaking down. James catches him before he falls on the floor and makes him sit on the sofa, they totally forgot about their tea.
After a few long minutes, Regulus calms down and wipes his tears off. James doesn’t look at him, Regulus doesn’t like being vulnerable, he hates being seen in his vulnerability.
“I’ve got a crush on you since I’m fifteen, James.” Regulus says looking at the wall. “I’m aware of it since day one. That’s why I ran away from you. I fought it, James, I fought it and I wrote about it and I did everything i could to forget you but you wouldn’t let me! You were always there, always around. And when I was starting to really forget you, to move on, you kiss me. You kiss me and you ask me to– I can’t do that, James. I can’t because– because I’m not loveable and I will ruin you, and I did so many awful things and I’m not a good person and you, you James, you are a good person. You deserve to be with someone as great as you. Not with someone that ruins the people he loves because I don’t want to ruin you too.”
James stares at him in shock for a moment then, without thinking about it, he grabs Regulus and hugs him, “You don’t ruin people, Regulus. You didn’t ruin Sirius, you won’t ruin me. You’re a good person, you’re an amazing person, and I deserve to be with the person I want to be with. And if this person doesn’t want to be with me, that’s alright, but if this person refuses it because he thinks he’s not good enough, well, it’s not alright with me. I’m not asking you anything, Regulus. You don’t owe me anything and if you’re not ready, I’ll wait. I’ll wait, Regulus.”
“You deserve better.”
“I don’t care. There’s no better. There’s only you.”
“There’s only me.”
“Yes. Only you.”
James ends up sleeping on the couch and he awakens with only a note telling him to put the key in the letterbox and no Regulus.
***
“You’re not leaving?” Dorcas asks, finishing to store a few things.
“Waiting for you.” Marlene says, extending her jacket to Dorcas.
“You live further than me.” Dorcas says, grabbing it. “Thanks.”
Marlene looks out the window for a moment, “Cas.” She calls, still staring at the storm gaining strength.
“Yeah?”
“I’m not sure it is safe to get out right now.”
Dorcas comes closer to the window to look outside and Marlene follows her. She feels the glass waver and steps back, grabbing Dorcas’ arm on the way. There is no one in the street and the rain in coming down so hard that you cannot see two meters and the wind is so violent that they hear it from inside. Marlene asks herself if the glasses of the windows are going to be solid enough or if they are going to break.
“Maybe we should wait until it calms down.” Dorcas says.
“Probably.” Marlene answers as the lights go out. “Fuck!”
“Damn it.” Dorcas says. “Power cuts.”
“No shit!” Marlene growls. “I really don’t like it.”
“Okay right, I’ll go find candles. I’m sure Slughorn keeps some.”
“You don’t leave me alone!” Marlene says moving in the direction she thinks Dorcas is.
“It’s only a question of minutes.” Dorcas answers as Marlene collides with her.
“I’m coming with you.”
“Use your phone for light.” Dorcas says, turning on her own.
“It’s dead.” Marlene sighs, grabbing Dorcas’ arm now that she knows for sure where she is.
They cross the bar and go to the room where Marlene found Dorcas kissing some bloke now weeks ago. Slughorn does, indeed, keep a striking amount of candles here and they take as much as they can, because Dorcas knows that the electricity system of the bar is shit and that it won’t come back on its own.
They put the candles on the scene and they light them with Marlene’s lighter. Marlene watches the shadows dance on Dorcas’ face as she lights the last ones and, lord, how is that girl so beautiful?
Each day they spend together Marlene finds herself falling deeper, and she knows she should stop because Dorcas isn’t going to return her feelings, but every time she tries, she is even more attracted to her. It’s magnetic. She can’t look away, she can’t walk away. She sometimes feels like she is going to be trapped in this forever, never going to break apart from Dorcas Meadowes, and she’s not sure if she really cares.
“What?” Dorcas asks, making their gaze cross.
“What?” Marlene repeats, her breath catching in her throat.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Dorcas softly smiles.
“You’re beautiful.” Marlene says despite herself, but she thinks it, and she feels it, so she has no shame in saying it.
“Oh.” Dorcas simply replies. They look at each other in silence, she shadows still dancing on their faces, the rain still pouring, wind still blowing, but they don’t acknowledge any of that. They look at each other and Marlene is mesmerised by the glow of the flames in Dorcas’ black eyes. She doesn’t know what is going on in Dorcas’ mind but it seems like nothing and everything at the same time. Dorcas holds up his hand and brushes the tip of her fingers on Marlene’s cheek. “Marlene.” She murmurs with an imperceptible step.
Marlene stops breathing but then she closes her eyes and grabs Dorcas’ hand, pushing it down slowly, “Don’t do this to me Dorcas, please.” She whispers, because she cannot do it. Not when she burns for Dorcas’ contact.
“I’m sorry.” Dorcas looks away.
Marlene cannot move because Dorcas is looking right back at her. She’s looking at her, mouth parted, eyes glowing, and Marlene asks herself if she ever felt such a thing for someone. She asks herself if it is magic. She steps closer to Dorcas and Dorcas doesn’t complain. She cups Dorcas’ jaw and Dorcas doesn’t move. But after a time she says her name, and Marlene is the one not moving. And she is not the one closing the gap, Dorcas is. Dorcas is the one making their lips meet. So tenderly. With such hesitation. A first kiss, a very first kiss. It doesn’t deepen, it doesn’t get passionate. Dorcas grabs Marlene’s hips and she kisses her like you’ll drink water from a cup you made out of your hands. And when she breaks apart, she doesn’t remove her hands from Marlene’s hips and she poses her forehead on Marlene’s shoulder.
“I’m so sorry.” She murmurs.
And somehow, Marlene knows why, and she is not mad. Because she’s been there, and someone has been at her place, a long time ago. And she also has already been at this place, less further ago, with Mary in sixth year. She cannot be mad at Dorcas because she knows what it is from both sides. And she cannot be mad at Dorcas because she’s grateful she did it, and because she’s not sure she could have gone longer without it.
Dorcas looks back at her and this time it is Marlene who kisses her. And this time, Marlene deepens the kiss. But she keeps it tender, gentle. And they end up sliding to the floor where Dorcas had lay blankets before lighting the candles.
And as Marlene starts to slide her hands on Dorcas’ body, she breaks the kiss and looks at her, a demand, “Is that alright?” She asks. Dorcas nods. “Do you want it?” She demands. Dorcas nods.
And it is still delicate when they start to explore each other’s body. Marlene tries to keep her mind clear, but it is getting harder with each touch, because entering in contact with Dorcas is like entering in contact with the world and the universe. It is like water and clouds. It is mountains and fields. It is stars and black holes. It is asters and galaxies. It is the world. The universe. The infinity. It is a thousands of things, hundreds of thousands and Marlene’s mind cannot register it all. Not all the feelings, not all the sensations and the emotions.
And it is not Marlene’s first time, Marlene has experienced relationships and tried things she didn’t even know existed. And it is not perfect, it is messy and blurry and uncertain. It is mistakes and awkwardness and confusions. But somehow, somehow, it is the most exquisite thing Marlene ever experienced. Because Marlene has already been in love. But it is sprinkles and all the seasons brought in one and storm and heat. It is everything Marlene ever craved. It is Dorcas Meadowes and they are supposed to be friends, but at this moment, they are not. They are no more friends than everything. They are it all. They are nothing and everything. They are one.
And when it is over, Marlene’s head rests on Dorcas’ shoulders, her eyes are closed but she is not sleeping. Dorcas is playing with her hair. Behind her eyelids, she imagines the shadows of the candles. She doesn’t want to open her eyes, because she is scared of what she might see, or not see.
And so, even if she doesn’t know why, Marlene murmurs, “I’m sorry.”
To what Dorcas strokes her hair, hums and finally says, “Let’s leave that for later.” To what Marlene could not more agree, but that still shatters her heart.