Fireflies and Chocolate
The next morning Remus is at the counter in the dining hall, filling his cereal bowl, when Sirius finally appears. A surge of relief washes over Remus, which is quickly replaced by an ugly, painful feeling in his chest. Sirius looks worse for wear, with dark circles under his eyes. Remus glances nervously at the campers seated just a few feet behind them, then back to Sirius.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t around to help last night. It won’t happen again,” Sirius spits out, his voice thick and scratchy. Remus opens his mouth, and then quickly closes it again when he sees the murderous look that crosses Sirius’s face. He just nods sharply instead. Sirius gives him one last withering look and stalks across the dining hall to plop down next to James.
Remus becomes uncomfortably aware of Marlene standing in the doorway to the kitchen. “What the hell did you do Lupin?” She asks around a mouthful of Lucky Charms.
Remus sighs. “Nothing, it’s not…”
“That didn’t look like nothing,” Marlene raises her eyebrows.
“It’s complicated,” Remus grinds out.
“I can tell,” Marlene laughs and ducks back into the kitchen. Remus sighs and finds his way towards Lily and her campers. He must look miserable because she shoots him a pitying look when he slumps into the empty chair at her table. She sends a pointed glance toward Sirius and then back to Remus. Her eyebrows raised ever so slightly. Remus grimaces, and nods. She squeezes his hand gently. It’s a conversation in the silent language they’ve perfected after spending years with campers. She doesn't need to say anything for Remus to know she has questions. However breakfast with the campers is not the time nor the place, so she’ll have to wait.
~~~
By some cruel turn of fate, Remus and Sirius are assigned to lead every single one of the same activities for the three days until the campers go home. However, the first lesson Minerva teaches the counselors is to deal with your shit in private, so Remus grins and bears it. He knows it’s obvious to everyone that something has happened between him and Sirius, even some of the campers have seemed to catch on. As they trek around camp from activity to activity Remus takes the lead and Sirius falls to the back.
It is, without a doubt, the most miserable Remus has ever been at camp. Even a pre-dinner sing-along doesn’t raise his spirits. That night the two men awkwardly skirt around each other in the close quarters of Gryffindor cabin. Remus wants to rip all his hair out. He tries to come up with something casual to say, to break the ice, but not a single thing comes to mind. Once the campers are in bed, he collapses into his bunk, and Sirius does the same. The silence of the night falls thickly in the room. Remus is grateful for the reprieve that is sleep.
The next few days pass in a similar fashion. The limited interactions they do have are stilted and polite. Come Friday, Remus doesn’t think he’s ever been more excited to send campers away.
Christopher is latched onto his forearm while the boy's mother tries to lure him into the car. “But I don’t want to go!” He’s saying. Remus isn’t sure he’s ever seen the boy speak so loudly or adamantly.
“I’ll see you in three days,” Remus tries to reassure him, gently prying his little hands away.
“You promise?” The boy’s big brown eyes peer up at him.
“Pinky promise,” Remus holds out his smallest finger, and Christopher does the same. Finally, he follows his mother to the car.
That night Arthur takes the international staff into town, along with Dorcas and Molly. Camp is silent and empty as Remus makes his way towards the lake. As he passes Gryffindor he reaches under the porch where his hands find a weathered plastic box. Inside is a faded hammock, he’s quite sure it’s the same one that’s been hiding here since his very first summer. He strings it up in the trees, just a few feet from the shore, and climbs in. The silence of the empty woods is a welcome embrace, and the low afternoon sun warms his face.
Remus is dozing off when he hears twigs crunch behind him. He’s a little embarrassed to admit that tears spring to his eyes when as turns to see his best friend standing in the woods, a chocolate bar in her hand. Lily doesn’t say anything at first just climbs into the hammock and hands him a square of chocolate. He’s reminded of an evening just like this so many summers ago.
After a particularly tough year at home, he had never been so happy to be at camp. He’d been outed by an old friend, and his father had just lost his job. His whole world had been flipped upside down, but camp was as steady and loving as ever. He was sitting here in this very hammock when a sticky-fingered redhead offered him a piece of chocolate and clambered up into the hammock. Now ten years later Lily is curled up next to him, her red hair vibrant in the golden sunlight. Remus feels an overwhelming sense of gratitude for her, and for camp as they listen to the lake’s gentle waves.
The candy is gone, and the sun is nearly below the horizon when she finally breaks the silence. “So do I need to smack the shit out of Sirius, or . . .”
Remus groans and rubs a hand along his jaw. “If anyone needs to be smacked, it’s probably me.”
“Oh Remus,” Lily sighs and sits up. “What did you do?”
“I did what I thought I needed to, but . . .” He sighs, and Lily waits for him to go on. “I told Sirius we couldn’t keep doing whatever it was that we were doing. I just- It didn’t feel right to let it go on.”
“It didn’t feel right?” Lily furrows her brow.
“I was falling in love with him Lily,” Remus says, it’s the first time he fully admitted to himself. A knowing look crosses his friend's face.
“That’s a good thing, Remus, you deserve that,” she insists.
“But he’s leaving, and I can’t break my own heart like that.” He hears his voice shake, and he hates himself for it. “Not again.”
“Remus, this is so wildly different than Benjy. I need you to understand that.”
“I know,” Remus sighs. “I know. It’s just all so fresh still, and my brain- it just doesn’t work like that.” Remus groans. “I’ve never felt the way I feel about Sirius, and I can’t go on like that, not without a future.”
“Remus, have you talked to him about this? About next summer?” Lily asks gently.
“No but he never started that conversation either,” Remus says defensively. “Why?”
“James and Sirius want to come back next summer, they’re not going anywhere.”
“How do you know that?”
“I asked James,” Lily says simply. Remus suddenly feels just a little stupid. “I can’t say anything about Sirius’s feelings for you, especially not after you pulled this shit,” Lily pokes him playfully in the ribs. “but I know you have more time than you might think.”
“Okay,” Remus rubs his eyes, and then. “God I’m stupid, what do I do now?”
“You talk to him you idiot,” Lily sighs, and rolls her eyes. “You need to start by telling him about last summer.”
“I don’t think he wants to talk to me,” Remus grimaces, and Sirius’s wounded eyes flash through his mind.
“I wouldn’t blame him,” Lily laughs. “But you should try.”
Fireflies float around their heads and they fall into a comfortable silence once again. Twenty minutes later Remus feels his walkie buzzing against his hip and Minerva’s voice crackles out of the radio.
“Minerva to Lily and Remus? Please make your way towards the dining hall when you have a chance.”
“Be right there, Minnie,” Remus responds. “Do you know what she wants?” He asks Lily.
“Not a clue,” Lily shrugs.