Moonlight
The dining hall is dark when Lily and Remus arrive. The only light comes from the kitchen where Minerva is pouring over a stack of papers and absentmindedly stirring a cup of tea. It’s not unlike her to call for a camp meeting or a quick chat while camp is in session, but on an evening like tonight, Remus doesn’t have a clue what she might want, but when she looks up to meet their eyes, Remus’s stomach drops. Dark circles hang under her eyes and her mouth is set in a grim line. Next to him, he can feel Lily tense, she sees it too.
Minerva offers them a tight smile. “I’m sorry to interrupt your night off, but I couldn’t tell you all this when campers are around,” She removes her glasses and rubs the bridge of her nose. “I’m afraid I bear some awful news.”
Remus isn’t sure he can’t take any more bad this week, he’s just about reached his limit. His eyes drift to the papers on the counter. They’re full of dollar signs followed by very large numbers and very short camper rosters. Remus looks to Lily who has a hand over her mouth and tears sparking in her eyes.
“I thought- I thought we’d saved everything,” Minerva stutters. Remus has never heard her do that before. “I wish I could tell you we were right, but we needed twice the amount of campers this summer and I just had to pay the new staff so much more than normal and . . ..” She trails off and spreads her arms, helplessly.
“Camp is closing?” Lily manages. A large lump is forming in Remus’s throat.
“I’m sorry,” Minnie’s voice cracks. “We’ll barely have enough to cut the checks at the end of August. We’d need a miracle to stay open.” Minerva McGonagall, the strongest woman Remus knows, is wiping tears from her eyes as gathers up her papers.
“Don’t blame yourself, Minnie,” Lily whispers reaching out and grasping Minerva's hand. The older woman smiles ruefully.
Remus laughs dryly, “She’s right,” he nods at Lily, “We all know whose fault this really is.” Minerva’s never been one to point fingers, but a flash of anger flits across her eyes, both Remus and Lily know who it’s aimed at.
“I need to organize,” Minerva waves her hands over the papers, “all of this, I’ll see you both in the morning.” Remus watches her piece together her ever-positive director self back into place.
As a camper, Remus was always in awe of the counselors. They were endlessly happy, untouchable even. To his eleven-year-old self, they were more inspiring than Nobel Laureates or a-list celebrities. In his eyes, Minerva’s kindness could have solved world peace, and her camp songs could have won a Grammy. The first summer he was employed at camp he was brought down to Earth, hard. He ran on minimal sleep and butted heads with his fellow counselors. But even on the worst days, he was still happier at camp than anywhere else. Every day was an opportunity for growth and connection. The camp magic wasn’t gone, it had just changed. Now Remus could feel it slipping away for good.
The door swings shut behind Minerva and Remus and Lily sink to the kitchen floor. Lily’s head nestled on Remus’s shoulder, the fluorescent lights buzzing above them. Remus thinks of the tall green trees, the deep blue lake, the fireflies, and every other wonderful piece of this place that has been his home for more than ten years. He thinks of Christophers’s trusting brown eyes, Gid and Fab’s contagious laughter, little Ginny’s feisty smirk, and the love they all share for camp. It’s all going to come crashing down around them, and Remus isn’t sure he’ll survive. He isn’t sure how long they sit there on the floor, but he doesn’t let himself cry, not yet. It’s nearing midnight when they hear the old camp van pulling back in, signaling the rest of the staff’s return.
Poppy wanders in and finds them sitting on the floor, with a sad look on her face. “She told you?”
“You know?” Lily asks at the same time.
Poppy nods gently, sighs, and offers them each a hand up. “You both should get some rest, I have a feeling these last few weeks of summer will be ones for the history books.” She wraps them both in warm hugs, before pushing them towards the doors.
Even in the darkness, the muggy air from the day lingers as Lily and Remus step outside. A loon is calling softly from somewhere far across the lake and tears finally prick at Remus’s eyes.
“Lils I’m going to stay in Gryffindor tonight,” Remus says quietly. He can’t handle the energy of the staff house tonight, and can’t handle seeing Sirius. “I just need-”
“I know,” Lily cuts him off. “I’ll see you in the morning.” She stands on her tiptoes, presses a teary kiss to his cheek, squeezes his hand, and disappears into the darkness.
As Remus walks the familiar path back to his favorite cabin, every stone, and every tree painfully reminds him of a golden sun-lit memory. A first kiss behind the woodshed with a boy whose name he can’t even remember. The most intense game of Capture the Flag ever played. A melting ice cream cone and a botched friendship bracelet. And then newer memories: Sirius in his stupid leather jacket standing in front of the staff house for the very first time. Blue eyes and a wild grin. Warm hands and a soft mouth on his skin. A cowboy hat and a country concert. Remus who thought he couldn’t feel any worse, sinks even lower because Sirius was going to come back. A year from now he was going to be here, under these same green trees, with Remus. Remus was going to fix things, he was going to try.
Now there won’t be a camp to return to.
Hot tears run down Remus’s face as he finally reaches Gyffindor cabin. He looks around his at campers' things strewn around the empty bunks. It’s a maze of bug spray, sunscreen, and sandy swim trunks. It's all just a little too much to bear. Remus is halfway to his bunk when he is startled by footsteps on the front porch.
“Fuck,” Remus mutters under his breath. He turns, and there’s Sirius. Wide grin, and messy hair. He’s yelling something after James as he pushes through the screen door. Blue eyes meet hazel and it feels as though the cabin’s temperature falls by twenty degrees. Sirius’s smile drops.
“I didn’t realize you were here,” Sirius says quickly. “I thought you’d be in the staff house. I wanted to-” He cuts himself off and frowns.
“You wanted to avoid me?” Remus finishes his sentence.
“Yes,” Sirius says bluntly. Remus winces.
“I deserve that, I’ve been an asshole,” Remus bites the inside of his cheek and hope the darkness is enough to cover his tears.
“Yes,” Sirius agrees.
Remus expects him to leave, even hopes that he’ll leave. Sirius doesn’t. Instead, he pushes past Remus to toss his bag on the bunk.
“I just needed some quiet,” Sirius says, his back to Remus.
Remus sighs and runs a hand down his face. “Yeah, me too.” His limbs feel suddenly too long, and he’s not sure where to put his feet. He shuffles his feet awkwardly.
“I-” Sirius turns to look at Remus, but the stops. He squints at Remus in the darkness and his eyes soften ever so slightly, “Are you . . . okay?” Sirius steps even closer. Remus knows his eyes are bloodshot, he knows the Sirius can see the shadow of his tears.
“I- fuck why’d you ask,” Remus eyes prick, he’s crying again. He furiously wipes his eyes and Sirius keeps standing on their with that sad, angry look on his face. “Sirius please- um I’m sorry, you don’t have to deal with this, that’s not fair to you, you should go find James, or-”
“It’s not fair, you’re right, but- fuck, Remus what happened?” The look of concern creeping onto Sirius’s face is so genuine that Remus thinks it might kill him. He should tell Sirius to leave, he should climb into his own bunk, he should do anything to not burden Sirius with anything else, but it just all spills out. He can’t help himself.
“I- it’s camp, and you and oh- Lily just told me you were coming back, and it’s all such a mess and I wanted to- I wanted . . . I was going to tell you about last summer- and I . . .” Remus is quite aware he’s not making any sense. He groans. “Fuck.”
“I’m sorry?” Sirius says.
“Camp is closing,” Remus finally grinds out. “This summer. It’s the last one.”
“Oh,” Is all Sirius says.
“Yeah,” Remus sighs and sits back on the bunk, he’s surprised when Sirius does the same. Their shoulders brush and despite everything, Remus wishes he could just sink into the other man.
~~~
When Sirius boarded the plane in London all those weeks ago, he never thought camp would be so all-consuming. He had imagined a non-descript log cabin and overly cheery co-workers. He had imagined it would be easy to walk away come August. Never in a million years did he expect to find a place so full of love and magic. He never expected the terrible sinking feeling in his stomach as he processes Remus’s words. He thinks to his conversation with James a few weeks ago. All excited whispers and imagined scenarios. They were going to come back.
“I’m sorry,” Remus breaks the silence that had fallen between them. In the darkness of the cabin the only light in moonlight reflected off the lake. In profile, Remus’s features look soft and beautiful bathed in the soft silver glow. Tears sparkle across his cheeks. Sirius has tried to hate him, he has, but as they sit in the darkness, barely touching, he’s sure he never will.
“For what?” Sirius asks, there’s a lot of things Remus could be talking about. There's still anger burning in Sirius’s stomach.
“All of it,” Remus waves a hand in the air. “That camp is closing, that we don’t have more time . . . I’m just really sorry.”
“Me too,” Sirius says, and because it’s all ending anyway, he asks the question that's been eating at him for days. “Remus, why did you end things?”
The man next to him sucks in a sharp breath of air, and Sirius briefly wonders if he might not want to know what Remus is going to say. He braces himself.
“Because,” Remus says, voice shaking, “if I had let it go any longer I don’t think I could have watched you walk away.”
Sirius nearly stops breathing. He’s quite sure his heart has actually stopped. His next question comes out as a strangled whisper. “What?”
“Jesus Christ, are you going to make me say it again?” Remus laughs wetly. “That was about all the courage I had for tonight I don’t-”
“No, I just- who said I was ever going to walk away?” Sirius’s heart is beating out of his chest as he speaks. As Remus’s mouth falls into a perfect ‘O’. Stupid, lovely Remus, who is sitting there and looking so beautiful. Sirius is very, very cross with him he reminds himself. Sirius also wants to crawl into his arms and never emerge. It’s all so very confusing.
“You never said you were going to stay,” Remus shoots back. Sirius thinks Remus’s skull might be six inches thick. He also thinks he might scream. His next words slip out of his mouth before he can stop them.
“When, since the first moment I got here, did I act like I was doing anything less than falling in love with you?”
Sirius words pierce the summer night, and he can’t take them back. It’s the closest he’s been to saying those three words. The ones that have been running through his head for the past few weeks. Remus’s eyes go as wide as the full moon. He stutters and Sirius’s heart begins to feel just a little warmer.
“I thought it was just casual- I didn’t know. I couldn’t risk being wrong again. I mean it wasn’t casual to me, but I thought-” Remus cuts himself off and a flush is spreading across his cheeks.
Sirius laughs then, a quiet strangled laugh. “So all of that bullshit, was because you thought I just wanted to fu-”
He can’t finish his sentence because Remus is kissing him. His brain short circuits and by the time he recovers the other man is already pulling away. An embarrassingly desperate noise falls out of his mouth.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have . . .” Remus mumbles. He tries to stand up but Sirius stops him. His fingers locked around the other man’s wrist.
“Remus,” With no camp to return to next summer all of Remus’s worries might just be true. But Sirius is selfish and stupid and reckless and he can’t help himself. “Just give me these last few weeks?”
Remus, to his credit, doesn’t balk. His brown eyes look steadily into Sirius’s the shadow of his tears still prevalent. “I unfortunately think I’d give you anything you asked for.”
Sirius is so fucked, and he can’t think too hard about it so he just pulls Remus back to him. When their lips meet the kiss is different. More desperate, needy. Nothing like stolen kisses at the lake, or in the kitchen. Remus's slender fingers grip his hips so hard he’s sure there’ll be marks there the next day.
They fall back onto the pillows and Remus manages to curl his long limbs into Sirius’s side, his head resting on Sirius’s shoulder. Sirius knots his fingers in Remus’s curls. A cool breeze rushes through the screen and Sirius runs the last twenty minutes back through his head. He still feels as though he’s missing some crucial piece of the puzzle, like he’s a few steps behind Remus.
“Remus?”
“Mhm?”
“You said ‘again,’ that you ‘couldn’t risk being wrong again.’ What does that mean?”
~~~
Oh.
Remus feels like he’s had the longest night of his life. He sorely wishes to curl into Sirius’s side and pretend none of the last few days’ events ever happened. So of course he has one last thing to face. One more truth to tell. He supposes he owes Sirius that.
“It’s a long story,” Remus stalls a few seconds longer.
“I’m listening,” Sirius says, earnestly. He’s lying on his side, one arm folded under his head. His blue eyes look like pools of silver in the moonlight and Remus knows he would tell this man anything.
He starts slowly, voice shaky. “Last summer, I- I fell in love for the first time. It was the second time I’d been with someone at camp, but it was . . . It was all-consuming, and not in a good way in hindsight. His name was Benjy.” Remus tries to ignore the way his voice breaks when he says the name. “He was one of those people that I just knew would be good at this, at camp. He had the energy. Sometimes I could just tell, I mean James was like that after I got over myself.”
“And I wasn’t?” Sirius gasps.
“I’m not answering that,” Remus mutters, but he’s glad for the momentary distraction. “Anyways . . .”
“Right, sorry.” Sirius nods.
“This was amidst all the shit that was going on with Snape. You’ve heard some of that?”
“Yeah, from Lily through James. Sounds like he was a lying git.”
“By mid-June rumors were flying around about a large part of the staff. Conveniently they were the people Snape didn’t get along with. It wasn’t anything major– smoking while on camp property, shirking duties to go to town, getting drunk at the campfires–but it was enough to get people pissed off. It wasn’t long before people started quitting, it just wasn’t a healthy work environment. But I- I- shit, sorry.” He’s stumbling over his words.
“You couldn’t quit.” Sirius offers.
“No,” Remus recovers and agrees. “I couldn’t. And neither did Benjy. But the lies were creeping closer and closer to me, and Snape saw Benjy as the perfect target. Everyone knew about him and I by then, he wasn’t exactly lowkey. Snape, um he came to me one night. He told me that he found letters in Benjy’s bunk. Letters from a girlfriend back home.”
“Shit.”
“Of course, I didn’t believe him, but the story spread anyway. I spent weeks fielding questions about Benjy. I defended him, I told everyone that Snape was lying, because he had been, it’d all been fake up until then. Benjy let me run around defending him and looking back he didn’t spend any energy doing the same for himself.”
“For all of Snape's lies,” Remus says, “It turns out he was telling the truth this time. I had accidentally picked up a book of Benjy’s one night and out spilled the very stack of letters I had spent so much time denying the existence of. Dorcas and Lily were with me. I had told Benjy I loved him just days before. I don’t think I’ve ever been more embarrassed in my entire life. I mean, I’d been running around like a headless chicken, defending his honor, just to- just to find out Snape was right.” It occurs to Remus that he hasn’t told anyone this story before. Dorcas and Lily know, but they were there. This is different, and Sirius isn't telling Remus how stupid he is. He isn’t laughing. He just looks sad. Remus starts talking before he cries again. “So I confronted him, and he walked away from the conversation, didn't say a single thing. I never saw him again after that, his bunk was empty the next morning.”
“For me, summer is when I’m really living. My real life is here, and sometimes I forget that for most it’s just a stop along the way. There was another before Benjy, it wasn’t the same, but I got a little too invested and he never came back either. I just couldn’t do that a third time.”
“I don’t even know- God that's just so shitty,” Sirius moves his hand to hold Remus’s face.
Remus covers Sirius’s hand with his own. “You don’t need to say anything, I’m not sure I deserve your pity after the shit I’ve pulled.”
Sirius frowns and pulls Remus into his chest. Remus lets him. He smells like home. Like sunscreen, pine trees, and calamine lotion. Sirius’s breath slows and Remus is quite sure he’s fallen asleep. He’s surprised when the other man speaks again.
“For the record, I think my real life could have been here if I was given the chance.”
Remus can’t control the sob that comes out of him, and Sirius just holds him tighter.