Chapter 1
(December 1998)
A burden?A curse?A blessing?
I could not recognise the feeling in my stomach, not at the beginning nor do I recognise it now, the way I felt as if I fell from the clouds above down to my death yet enjoy every second of it, and with each glance at those viridian eyes the sentiments never fail to come back, making me lose control of my own emotions. I was never the same anymore after allowing the unknown to drown me completely, it seemed to be right, or at least it felt right to me, and maybe it was all wrong all along, but I had to pretend I do not care. It’s who I am supposed to be, the one full of hate, the one who does not observe, who does not give a crap. Anyhow I could never stop myself when it came to him, listen to that sweet voice every time he walked past by whispering under his breath a laugh of joy, admire his lips whenever I would catch them curve into a silly smile, tender fingers fidgeting with whatever it is that he was holding onto at the moment, clearly nervous. Why was he always nervous? I never knew, never will I even know the answer to that question. Will never know the answer to any of my questions. Why do his eyes shine so bright? Why does his skin seem to always be glowing? Why does his hair look like a place my fingers can find a home in? Why is his gaze able to make my blood freeze? Why does my body feel on fire whenever he is around?
Why Do I Not Hate Him As I Should? Why Can’t I Fool My Own Feelings?
They say it’s Love, but that is a path I never thought myself able to come across. Love is beautiful yet it summons up the worst in you. Love hurts. Love is something my heart does not desire to bare. I Am way to broken to deserve what it is that he makes me feel. I am not destined to fall in Love. Especially not with him
Realising it it’s easy. Accepting it it’s worse
I wish my voice wouldn’t still start trembling around him. The words of hate I spit at his address, on his face in the past, they used to get more and more tremulous with every letter spoken to him. My neck throbbed from the inside just like my hands which were always begging me to reach out, cup his face in between them and glue our foreheads together then whisper in between apologies that I did not mean any lie my filthy mouth had cursed out. But I could not and I can not, because I play a part and he plays another one, I am a dark sky while he is a bright sunset, I am an inexplicable failure while he is the saviour of it all, I am not loved by anyone while he is loved by everyone around him, even by those who hate him, I am a rusty piece of metal while he is a crown sprinkled with diamonds. I am everything he is not, I am the one he hates, the one who always has to hide the truth, the kid who one day thought himself to be worth of it all, slowly realising I am actually worth nothing after what I’ve done
He is the golden boy. I am the boy who’s supposed to prefer silver
He is the chosen one. I am not even an option
But deep down I hope, I trust that he maybe believes it. Maybe he believes in me, maybe he believes that I changed, maybe he has the last bit of belief that Draco Malfoy is not the villain he was trained to be and maybe just the innocent boy he was born to grow up as
Maybe one day all these feelings will go away because loving someone who doesn’t love you back is worse than being ripped in half
Never mine. Never yours
Every book has a reader
Every lock has a key
Every star holds a shine
Every word has a meaning
Every tale has an end
Every body has a soul
Every heart has another to beat for
So then why am I the exception? Why is there no one to read the rows I wrote? Why is there no key for the lock that’s keeping me hostage? Why is the shine of my star unable to be seen? Why do my words fly in the air and disappear in the grey clouds? Why is there no end to all that I’ve been through? Why is my body fragile, weak, as if there is no soul to bare its thoughts? Why is there no heart beating for mine ?
Why have I fallen for someone I am to broken to love? Why did he have to come into my life, look at me, glare at me, smile at me, laugh at me, swear at me, hate me, suspect me, curse me under a spell, breathe next to me, speak to me, save me? Why did he have to do all of these things yet do nothing.
It probably would have been better if I had just died when he wanted me to, it would have been easier for everyone, I wouldn’t have had to be a burden anymore. And I would have vanished happy in that moment, because I was on the floor bleeding surrounded by freezing water but for some reason I couldn’t find myself in pain for that his presence was in the air. He was there next to me, watching me, his eyes above my wounds and for a brief second I catched the glimpse of his eyes with my stare. I would have died happy because I would have known HE was the one who finally put an end to my misery
Dying by the hands of the one you love is the most beautiful death above them all. So my final question is, why did you try to kill me?
It only made me fall in love with you even more
Differences
The war is over but apparently the battle is not, or at least the battle inside my head isn’t, there are still whispers fighting over and over whether I should make my voice heard or not because there is for some reason that little something present in my thoughts encouraging me to push forward, try to show everyone I have changed, that I am finally free to be the boy I always wanted to be not the Evil Slytherin who grew up to fast and had to become a demon under its will. It is slowly becoming easier to do so but at the same time it feels as if I am pushing way too hard in order to make myself likeable. Blaise and Pansy are my best friends, they talk to me, they know better than anyone I was forced to do all that I have done, they listen to me whenever I need it. Which is not often, it’s harder for me to express emotions than it is for a deaf person to hear the beautiful song of a bird, however I know they’re there and I could never be more grateful. Even if they don’t know it. Granger has as well become a presence in my life, Slughorn had insisted for us to be partners in Potions hence we are the best for that Harry decided he won’t take the class this year. She is nice, she explained me from the first that she understands I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, she had told me that she could see in my eyes that I was just as hurt as anyone when Hogwarts got destroyed, when bodies were lying around, when Voldemort claimed Harry to be dead, I did not wish to remember those moments of agony so I silenced her after which I have apologised for everything I ever said to her with honesty. There was no further explanation needed, we get along and it’s a step I was happy to take after so many years of pure hatred
But there is still that one person I have tried so many times to apologise yet never managed to, the person of my deepest desires, the person with the most beautiful eyes ever, the person I have always admired but kept it hidden, the person who only heard their name coming out of my mouth followed by an insult, he who deserves everything for being stronger than anybody I have ever met.
He Saved everyone while I can not even save myself. He ended the war, I can’t even finish the battle.
I am Draco Malfoy. He is Harry Potter. It could have never worked
Draco is going insane, his fizzy blonde hair is all over the place probably messier than his green hoodie and shaky hands which now dare to draw out blood from scratching them. He is frustrated, stressed, agitated, anxious
He lost his notebook, the notebook full of confessions, full of thoughts, emotions. The one thing which he truly found peace in, it’s now nowhere to be found, the boy has been searching for it like an animal haunting its pray, he even made Pansy and Blaise do it because he couldn’t stand anymore not knowing where it is
With mind full of wonder and fear he shakily walks up in the middle of the night towards the lake hoping he may have left it there two days ago when he last wrote in it while praying like a damsel in distress that no soul of Hogwarts came across it before him. He is so thankful that there is no strict rule for those who came back to repeat the year lost because of the war and he can walk around this late, anywhere he wants, for that he would have probably went insane from being obligated to sleep when the object which could end him it’s somewhere out there waiting to be found
He lets out a heavy sigh of exasperation, and cold, the weather in December during the night is awfully painful and let alone not to mention he is only wearing a thin hoodie and a pair of lame black sweatpants which don’t keep him warm at all. But he doesn’t really care, his body has been through way too much agony to be bothered by little snowflakes and frosty wind
He is about to step harshly once more on the mountain of snow on his way to the lake but before he can do so something catches his eyes, causing him to stop dead on track from the sudden shock his body is going through
Draco could never not recognise the figure standing a few feet away from him. Even if Harry has grown taller on the course of last summer, even if he has gained more muscles and his shoulders have become a little bit more wide, the boy with glasses still has the same fragile body, the same posture, the same habit of fidgeting with his fingers and running them through his hair, the moon as well shines brightly accentuating every feature on his face. His red nose, those pink lips which Malfoy has always seen as something soft like a puddle of pillows, his pale smooth skin and especially his eyes which only by themselves can take your breath away
Malfoy feels his heart speed up crazily fast at the sight of the boy he has fallen for years ago, his body is no longer cold but warm and unsteady
His stare travels down to see that Potter is sitting close to a elder tree holding onto a book reading it with a blank expression, or better explained a blank expression which is turning from time to time into a slight frown of confusion while licking from lips from time to time. Either to help him focus or maybe to keep them from drying. Nonetheless Draco finds himself intrigued by the sight and he slowly looks back down to try and see what is Harry reading with so much curiosity
He quietly takes another step, hides behind a small tree, squints his eyes focusing on the book because there is not much light outside at this late hour
What is Harry doing up this late outside anyway? Draco wonders in the back of his head
Potter turns the page to read the other side of it and that’s when Malfoy truly looks at what it is that the boy is actually holding onto. And he for a moment hopes that his eyes are cheating or him.
His heart has never stopped from beating like it did now, only when he heard Voldemort yell out that Harry Potter is dead has his body been in such fear
The covers are dark yet silvery at the bottom, the pages are not white that is clear, they are yellowish covered by black ink spots
And on the back of it, painted in white, Draco sees the white picture of a snake killed by a powerful lightning, which he had painted. The gasp to leave his mouth is inexplicably loud, he shakily takes a few steps either forward either back, he can not bring himself to see or feel what he is doing, his vision is slowly getting blurry from the few tears of panic gathering under his pupils with every blink
Then Potter looks up, Draco can’t look away. Their eyes lock and time stops
Harry closes the notebook immediately, he sits there gazing at the blonde boy with an expression Malfoy is not able to recognise, he doesn’t even have time to for that matter because he just turns around and starts running towards Hogwarts faster than he ever did probably in his whole life. The snow is not a good enough obstacle to stop him.
“Draco! Draco wait!”
But he doesn’t stop, although he definitely should, he should ask what the fuck is Potter doing with his notebook, where did he find it, what did he read, how further in the notebook did he understood it’s Draco’s yet still decided to not stop invading, why didn’t he give it back?
So many questions which disappear in the air just like his shadow which left the snow to now reflect itself on the gray walls of Slytherin’s bedroom once he uses apparate to teleport himself away from the chosen one
It is only when he looks out the window at the stars that the realisation hits him, makes him fall on the floor suddenly
Harry knows. Harry Potter knows Draco Malfoy is in love with him