Day of drear
**JAMES**
The next few days were passed in agonising silence. They were all ignoring Sirius.
Remus had completely dissociated. It was as if he was trying to have no emotions after having too many on that horrible morning.
He stopped showing up to classes, he only sat in one hidden alcove, chain smoking. Whenever James or Peter had seen him he had been either staring blankly at nothing or he’d clutched a bottle of something alcoholic.
He grew paler by each day and the bags under his empty eyes appeared starker. Remus never came back to their room. He just drank until he passed out.
When they had been planning for Sirius birthday party they had all agreed that liquor was the way to go. James had bought enough witches brew and fire whiskey to get the whole castle drunk.
Still it ran out unbelievably quickly. Remus had dashed off and returned with an entire bag of bottles he’d “borrowed”. James supposed he was still using his stash.
He hadn’t been eating either. James knew Peter tried every day to approach him with a hot meal of food. He usually joined the attempts to feed their friend. Most of the time he remained completely blank, not even blinking as he dragged puff after puff of smoke. Peter was devastated. He would plead for him to eat at least something. He kept repeating that he would starve if he didn’t eat. James had the idea this made the opposite impression on Moony than what they would have liked. He seemed like he wanted to starve to death. Only after pleading had Remus reached out a shaky hand towards the meal. He had poked at it and eaten a few bites. His skin had turned green and he had looked like he would throw up. Peter still tried though.
He felt like shit. Being unable to talk to Sirius was taking it’s toll. He had been like the brother he had always wanted. Now he felt so angry every time he looked at him. He couldn’t hate him really but that didn’t stop him from disliking him.
Remus had at first tried to pack his things muttering about living on the streets and how to get to London. Only a bare ten minutes later an owl had come from profesor Dumbledore.
“You may not leave this castle. The ministry have warned that if you exit this castle you will be brought straight toAzkaban. You will face your trial in five days time. Your friends are expected as well. Where it is only one week left after your trial you are excused to leave indefinitely depending on the outcome.
Signed: Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, supreme mugwump of the international confederation of wizards and headmaster of Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry.”
It was that day now. It had gone five days. Remus had for once pulled himself relatively together. He had put on his school shirt and managed to find one pair of relatively nice school pants to go along with it. His face still looked gaunt and hollow. His cheekbones was more pronounced than ever before. If James had thought him skinny and gangly before it was nothing to how he looked now.
Remus had always been over a head taller than everyone else. At his 195 cm the only person taller than him at Hogwarts was Hagrid. Only with his even skinnier frame he was ever so lanky. He looked like he could be snapped clean in two.
The scars scabbing his face were still red. People had stared but he had just ignored them, seeing nothing more or less than the air in front of him.
Peter and James had managed to convince Remus to go back to their dorm room. Before leaving, Remus had cast one last longing look at the firewhiskey bottle he had carried clutched to his chest before abandoning on his nightstand whilst he, for the first time since it had happened, changed clothes.
James was, frankly, alarmed at how much he seemed to rely on the stuff.
James, Peter, Remus Sirius, professor Mcgonnagall, Madam Pomfrey and Snape’s weeping mother were all sitting in tensed silence. They were waiting for Dumbledore.
All of them were neatly clothed. Snape’s mother had black hair like her son, only hers wasn’t as greasy. They shared the same hooked nose only hers looked less like a bird beacon. Her eyes were brown but they weren’t as cold as Snape’s. She was by no means pretty but she didn’t look evil. Her clothing was in all black and she sniffed, trying and failing to pull herself together.
Poor woman he thought. She had also lost her son. Another crime to add to Sirius’s considerable list.
They were sitting in Mcgonagall’s office.
Dumbledore strode in through her door. He still bore a serene smile. His eyes still managed to twinkle even in the darkness of their situation.
Dumbledore was the bringer of bad news. The sight of him was a welcome relief all the same. At least to James.
They used Mcgonagall’s fire place one after one.
**REMUS**
The numbness he fought so hard to maintain was slipping. It started slowly. The cold smooth flooring of the ministry halls seemed more solid. The voice of the elevator more loud.
He still had his moments of clarity, of sobriety. But he tried to make them as few as possible.
When he wasn’t dazed with weed, nicotine or alcohol he tried to succumb to the consuming numbness.
He tried but the anguish broke through. The stinging pain of betrayal, the burning embers of hatred, the foul taste of guilt, the frosty bite of murder. It all soared straight through his heart, like a dagger that twisted and poked until every vessel was cracked open. Until all the love and passion of his heart had run out. Leaving his heart empty and hollow with loss.
He hated Sirius with every nerve of his body. Yet one can not not hate so deeply without the love of ones broken heart.
He felt so stupid for ever daring to trust him, everyone knew how impulsive he was. Still he had trusted him, more than even Peter or James. He never trusted people before but he decided they were loyal, they would never sell him out.
Remus had unwittingly caught feelings for the beautiful bastard. That had felt like the worst of his issues.
Sirius laugh. The way his hair danced in the wind as he rode his broomstick. How his deep blue eyes flecked with icy silver gleamed with diablerie. His witty jokes. The way Sirius grin made his stomach flip.
Now he would never be able to forgive him. A small part of him wanted desperately to condone him, to forget it had ever happened and move on.
How dearly he wanted to forget it all. He had been stupid to trust at all. People proved over and over to be unreliable yet he still managed to get snared in their traps.
He had trusted his father, he had offed himself in front of him. He had trusted his mother, she had dumped him off in a children’s home. He had trusted a few boys at the children’s home, they had attacked him.
All close bonds he had ever formed had ended in perfidy.
All relationships except the ones he had made at Hogwarts.
Now it was all lost. He would die.
They had reached the waiting room outside the ministry hearing room.
Remus tried not to look at any of them. If he by either horrendous misfortune or incredible luck made it out alive there were surely more betrayals to come.
Sirius was just the first. Peter and James would likely tire of him too. They would decide that really they didn’t wan’t a werewolf as a friend.
Still he could smell the anxious horror behind their thoughts.
The rumble of workers was so far away that even Remus with his enhanced senses couldn’t hear it.
“Come in” trailed a dark solemn voice from inside the closed black door.
Mcgonagall stood and opened the door, ushering them all inside.
The room had high walls with the ceiling so far up it was a mere speck in the distance. All of the Wizengamot was gathered in rows. The room was huge and octagonal. Checkered marble floor made their footsteps echo.
A wooden chair with metal cords waiting to hold steady it’s next victim stood alone in the center of the room.
The rest of his company was seated in the empty stands.
The wood was hard against his stiff back. Metal vines immediately clinged to his thin arms. They snared up his fore arms before becoming firm once more. He was pinioned to the chair.
Bartemius Crouch Sr was seated in the highest chair in the stands. He knew it was Barty Crouch Sr by his peculiar smell and resemblance of his unbearable son.
Their blood smelled more bitter than any others he had ever encountered. They had the same brown eyes, only Jr’s eyes were a shade paler. Barty Crouch Sr’s eyes were almost yet black.
Barty’s hair had once been straw colored but he had since dyed it black.
His fathers hair was of dark ebony, slicked sleek. He wondered how much sleek-easy hair potion he had used. Crouch’s mouth was a grim, foreboading line.
“Secretary?” Crouch called.
“Yvonne Yasmine Patel present” nodded a small witch with auburn curls.
“Accused Remus John Lupin?” He continued.
His throat felt hoarse and his heart had begun beating faster.
“Yes” he replied, keeping his voice as steady as he could.
He looked down on his lap. All those witches and wizards were looking at him with open loathing. He could smell their intense hatred as well.
It made him wan’t to puke with self-disgust.
“Defender?” He called once more.
“Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore present” answered Dumbledore.
“Let us begin” Crouch nodded stiffly.
His own furious heartbeat was deafening.
“We are here today for the murder of the late Severus Tobias Snape. He was killed during the last full moon by this werewolf” he begun and Remus could in the corner of his eye see him look down on him from high above.
Aggregated murmurs broke out in the crowd.
“Silence” boomed Crouch and quiet fell swiftly.
“Are you indeed Remus John Lupin son of muggle Hope Lupin and deacesed anti werewolf advicate Lyall Lupin?” Asked Crouch coldly.
The comment about his father made anger bubble up in his chest. He had left him, died rather than keep him as a son. A hollow ache always filled him when someone mentioned his father. He tried to replace it with anger. The knowledge that his own father didn’t wan’t him was painful, anger was easier. His mother wasn’t much better, she had left him. Dropped him off with matron and a silver cage.
He nodded.
“Verbal confirmation is required” Crouch steely voice echoed in the huge court room.
“Yes” Remus voice was toneless, void of any emotion.
“Do you know the name of the werewolf that bit you?” Crouch asked.
He flinched without meaning to. His arms brushing even tighter against his restraints.
“Yes” he answered once more.
“Who?” Crouch asked, impatiently this time.
“Greyback” he whispered. Even his low voice managed to echo.
“As in Fenrir Greyback?” Crouch pressed.
“Yes” Remus responded weakly.
“He is known for attacking children. You were 4 almost 5 when you were bitten, correct?” Crouch continued.
“Yes” Remus still kept his head bowed.
“Poppy Pomfrey please step forth” Crouch called.
Remus looked up and saw the ever reassuring sight of Madam Pomfrey. Her hair was pulled into a neat blond bun. Snow white streaks joined the honey blond ones now.
Her pace wasn’t as brisk as usual. She didn’t sport her usual kind smile. Instead her mouth was a grim line.
She stood next to him.
“What can you tell us about Mr Lupins condition?” Crouch asked.
“He gets injured a lot and always need patching up. Mr Lupin can not remember anything from his wolf perspective” Madam Pomfrey answered. Her voice was decidedly neutral but hints of gloom crept into her words.
“Injuries?” Crouch continued.
“He often dislocates his shoulders and knees. Often he loses a lot of blood from his wounds. He breaks bones. The wolf hurts him in frustration from being locked up” Madam Pomfrey trailed off.
Remus could feel his friends stiffen though he didn’t look in their direction. He had done his best to hide the worst of his injuries.
“You may take your seat again.” Crouch ordered.
“We will need a detailed account of that nights events from Mr Lupin but verita serum is not a guaranteed method on half breeds. Werewolves are known for their deceitful nature and can often counteract the effects of mind control. They are naturally gifted in the realms of occlumency and legilimency.” Crouch began.
He could hear Sirius’s sharp intake of breath behind him. Remus had never told anyone about what he could do. He could plant voices in their heads but he never did. Sirius mother had been a legilimens so it was a bit of a sensitive topic.
“The minister have signed a decree that allows the use of unforgivable curses during questioning for death eaters. He also allowed the use of the cruciatus curse when dealing with werewolves.” Crouch finished.
Cold dread slithered down his spine. If nothing matter, nothing hurts he reminded himself. It was a mantra he had begun years and years ago. Now he had lost everything, everyone. He had lost hogwarts, his home. His friends, Sirius. All gone. Nothing mattered any more.
Absolute silence. The silence was louder than any words could be.
“What happened that night?” Crouch asked.
His stomach churned at the memory he tried to repress.
“I was waiting in the shack and then-“ he drew a sharp breath before continuing. Every word hurt. It felt like he was forcing everything out.
“Then Snape came inside” he shuddered. He could still remember the menace in Snapes voice.
“Then?” Crouch continued.
He couldn’t. His mouth opened but no sound came out. The words stuck in his throat.
“I.. i can’t” he stuttered.
“Crucio” Crouch cold voice called.
Pain. It was like acid on flesh. Like a brand hot iron poker stuck down his lungs. The fire was soaring every nerve, breaking every artery. The blood floating freely and dripping down inside him was boiling. His bones felt like they were poking daggers into him. His skin felt like it was peeling right off. All of it was burning and burning. Ash was clouding his vision. Burning embers were deep frying him to his core. Claws were digging in his insides, ripping out his intestines. Blood was filling his mouth.
He jammed his teeth together as hard as he could against the crippling agony. Thinking was nearly impossible. It wasn’t worse than the transformations though. His bones weren’t tearing him apart, if he could get through that he could do this too.
**SIRIUS**
Remus hands were digging into the wood of his chair, splinters going everywhere. He was shaking and cracks were spreading in his metal captors. His jaw was jammed tight shut but growls of agony still escaped between his teeth. Blood was dripping from the corner of his mouth. His head was slung backwards, revealing his throat to that evil Crouch.
All my fault Sirius thought. The constant thought that plagued him. He knew what Remus was feeling, he had felt it. He had felt the burning fire.
The image of his mothers snarling face appeared in his minds eye. The high library book shelves as he fell towards the ground.
I hate you, i hate youhe thought. He hated Snape, he hated himself, he hated Crouch, he hated Dumbledore for still sitting idly by. He hated them all.
Snape’s mother was wearing a small vindictive sneer as she looked upon Remus. Her lips were curled. He wanted to throttle her.
He imagined what they would have been doing if he hadn’t ruined everything. If none of it had happened.
They would probably have been sitting in the sun by their tree. It would have been hot and he and James would have unbuttoned their shirts. Girls would have admired them brazenly whilst he looked at Remus. Remus would not have taken off his shirt but instead he would have sat immersed in a book. Sirius would have watched his long fingers turn the page. He would have watched the scars shine silver in the bright light. His curly chestnut brown hair would fall in his face. Those peculiar, mesmerising eyes would meet his gaze and a smirk would cross his face.
“What?” He would’ve asked.
“Nothing just drop the bloody book why don’t you. Exams are over.” Sirius would have rolled his eyes.
Remus would have said something arid and sly before flipping him off. They would fall into their usual teasing banter.
All if Sirius hadn’t been so twisted, evil. Moony could have been sitting in the shade of their beach tree instead of being Strapped to a chair. All because of him.
The metal snapped and his chair fell over to the side.
Abruptly it all stopped. The shaking of his muscles. His clenched jaw slackened. The horrible growls surpassing his teeth stopped. His eyes opened and they were wide and afraid.
“I will ask you again. What happened then?” Crouch leered. His eyes were so dark they were almost black. Evil evil eyes he thought.
“He- he said some things. I tried to make him leave but he- he refused” Remus trembled on the floor.
“Patel” Crouch gestured to Remus form on the ground.
She scurried down and put him and the chair back up.
Crouch swiftly replaced the metal with something else. It gleamed and shon bright. Remus hissed in pain as it made contact with his skin. Red burn marks spread around the vines of… silver he realised. Remus was rapidly turning a pallid ashen green. He was beginning to shake.
“What did he say?” Crouch pressed.
“He- he” Remus voice trembled. “He called me a psychopath. Lots of things” he finished. He still looked down on his lap though his face was stretched in a grimace of pain.
“Did you intend to kill him?” Crouch asked.
He saw Remus flinch.
“No!” He shouted vehemently.
“Did you tell him what you are?” Crouch continued.
Remus paused. That was all it took. The spell shot out once more. This time Remus screamed. His wrists inched closer to the silver cords and new patches spread.
His head extended backwards once more. The whites of his eyes were the only visible part of them. As he screamed vomit and blood fell in a puddle on the ground.
The spell ceased and he weakly raised his head. His eyes looked blood shot.
“I- i said he would get hurt if he stayed” Remus voice was so shaky it was nearly unintelligible.
“How did Snape get there?” Crouch asked.
Remus flinched, coming even closer to the silver, he let out a growl before stiffening. He had just opened his mouth when he was shot again.
His eyes remained open this time and their gazes met as his head fell back again. His mouth was open in a scream but his eyes looked directly into his. As venomous as a Peruvian vipertooth. There was so much loathing and hurt in them. All your fault they seemed to shout. You did this they hissed. The amber stood like embers of flames in his bloodshot eyes. But even more than anger, hurt. Such raw wilted hurt. One single tear escaped down his cheek and into his screaming mouth.
“Me” Sirius cried. He sounded desperate, even in his own ears.
The torture seized and so did his screaming.
“Step forth” Crouch demanded.
On trembling legs he walked towards the center of the room.
“Identity yourself” crouch commanded.
“Sirius Orion Black” his surname tasted bitter on his tongue.
“Son of Walburga and Orion Black?” Crouch asked.
He winced involuntarily. Disgrace his mothers cold voice hissed in his ear. You are no son of mine his father snarled. Blood traitor they screamed together.
“Not anymore” he let out a shaky breath.
“How so?” Crouch urged.
“I got disowned or ran away, i don’t know” he confessed, attempting nonchalance. Image after image of his mother raising her black wand passed in his thoughts.
“What did you tell the late Mr Snape?” Crouch asked, dropping the subject.
He told him in a daze, not even hearing the words leaving his lips.
Remus can read thoughts like like my- he cut his thought process off. He had always been able to tell when his mother had done that. It was very hard not to feel those rough claws digging in your brain. Remus would never do that. Would he? Surely not. He was a very private person and would never sneak through someones thoughts.
**PETER**
Sirius finished speaking and sat down next to James who stiffened at Sirius close proximity.
Dumbledore stood and walked calmly towards the middle of the grand room. He was no longer smiling.
Peter would never admit it but he disliked Dumbledore. How tranquil he always seemed. He hadn’t lifted as much as a finger to seize Remus torture. Yes he hadn’t looked all too pleased but he hadn’t actually done anything.
His blue eyes never lost there twinkle even when he heard the news. Even when he delivered the tales of dead witches, wizards and muggles.
Emotions never swayed him, didn’t seem to at all influence his decisions. It was dangerous, Peter thought, to only make choices based on statistics. To completely undermine lives for the greater good.
“We need him to infiltrate the werewolves in our efforts against lord Voldemort. He has already proven a valuable asset. Mr Snapes fate is indeed unfortunate but it was not Mr Lupins fault. We have done all in our power to secure the saftey of all Hogwarts pupils” Dumbledore proclaimed.
A plump short man with silver grey hair raised an age whitened hand.
“It killed a child. This thing can not be a viable resource for our war efforts” he stated in a decisive, deceivingly soft voice.
A tall slender witch with burgundy hair and deep brown eyes raised her hand as well.
“Werewolves have no place in society. It should be locked up!” She expressed looking around for assistance from her fellows.
A babble of angry voices broke out. Some argued that a werewolf could be used as a tool for access to the werewolves. Others still argued for Remus dismemberment.
“Wolf pelts are all the hype right now! Could buy us proper chairs for once” one wizard with a Scottish accent exclaimed.
“Kill him!” Another agreed.
“We shall vote” Crouch voice was crisp, decisive. Deadly silence broke out, all voices cut off by three simple words.
“All in favour of conviction” he looked around as he raised his own hand.
All around fists and hands were raised. About half, Peter didn’t manage to count them all.
A desperate pounding began beneath his ribcage. It was so hard he thought his ribs would crack.
“All in favour of acquittal”
The rest raised there hands.
An ugly look momentarily crossed Crouch severe face.
“Mr Lupin will have to face the werewolf registry but is otherwise free of all charges” he declared as he slammed his gavel.
Remus silver vines was removed leaving angry red burns beneath, it had burned through his shirt, ripping off the fabric. Bruises could be seen surrounding them.
Remus stood and his legs were wobbling and Peter swore he could see him swear under his breath.
Madam Pomfrey hurried down and gave him a hand which he, too Peters astonishment, accepted. Remus never accepted help.
He really must be a mess Peter thought and a stab of sympathy echoed in his bones.
He got clumsily down and ran for Remus, embracing him in a bear sized hug. He winced but then patted his back awkwardly.
Remus was warm, too warm. The meagre contents of his stomach was on the collar of his school shirt.
Remus being abnormally tall and him being quite short made for an odd pairing. He just about reached Remus elbow. He hugged Remus around his midriff.
He had been worried sick about him. His worst fears of Remus deciding to distrust him too had proven true.
No matter what he did Remus still seemed isolated in his own bubble. Now at least he seemed closer to them. Too bad it took torture to bring him back.
**LILY**
Lily was sitting in the library with Marlene and Mary. They were supposed to be reading but Mary was painting her nails and Marlene was talking about her quidditch rival Dorcas Meadows. She couldn’t stop talking about how she annoyed her. How much she needed to beat her. So silly Lily thought. All over a stupid game.
Her thoughts had wandered to Severus. He was dead. They would never be able to make it right now. She couldn’t help but blame herself. The school hadn’t disclosed the reason behind Severus sudden death.
She wondered if her refusal to forgive him had been the reason behind his death. Had her anger led him to suicide?
He had apologised. Should i have forgiven him? The thought that constantly plagued her.
Did i overreact? Was that horrid word only a reaction to being so thoroughly embarrassed? The questions circled around in her head.
Rumours had spread around the school. The slytherins persumed suicide. They hissed her name in the corridors. Most of them blamed her for their classmates untimely passing.
A lot of Gryffindors thought it was suicide too. Only they didn’t spit in her honour. They applauded and chanted her name.
She didn’t know what made her more sick. In any case all who thought it was suicide blamed her.
Other thought up more and more unbelievable theories. Many of which involved the forbidden forest. They seemed convinced that Severus was mad enough to go into the forbidden forest alone. Werewolves and vampires were popular amongst there suspicions.
“Lily, earth to Lily” Mary snapped impatiently in her face. Her nails were a deep red, matching her lips. She blinked against the sudden movement.
“What?” She asked stupidly, trying to regain her usual bravado she straightened her back.
Marlene rolled her blue eyes. Her blond ponytail wagging like a tail behind her as she turned fully to face her.
“The history exam, how did you do?” Marlene clarified.
“We haven’t got our results back yet” she looked at Mary for confirmation though she was sure she was correct. She would remember receiving her grades.
“No silly. How do you think it went?” Mary smiled warmly.
“I don’t know” she sighed, exasperated.
Mary and Marlene exchanged a significant look.
“Lils. Is this about Snape?” Marlene asked directly.
“Marls” Mary elbowed her and shot her a hard look before smiling at Lily.
“Mar” Marlene imitated her tone and raised an eyebrow. Marys smile was beginning to look painful.
“I have to go. Bathroom” Lily lied and stood up.
They both looked hurt and bewildered as she turned tail and went out without a backwards glance.
Her mind drifted to Remus who had been acting odder than usual for days. He had ignored her when she had tried to approach him. She wasn’t even sure he had heard her. He had stared blankly ahead whilst downing bottle after bottle.
All the marauders had as a matter of fact been more subdued than usual. Five days without a single dropped dung-bomb, prank or other misdemeanour.
She hurried out of the castle. The walls felt like they were closing in on her. The air felt to hot. She dragged in a grateful breath of fresh cool air. There was a small stretch of an abandoned stone fence. It was short and looked like it had been placed there on random. She liked sitting there sometimes. Watching the big castle as the sun set. Her legs carried her there without her intention.
Only it wasn’t deserted as usual. Remus was there. He was clutching a bottle of pepper up potion as if his life depended on it. His face was even paler than it had been in the last few days. Horrible winding burns were running up his arms. He was wearing a band t-shirt. Probably borrowed from Sirius. Perspiration gleamed sickly on his scarred bruised skin.
Worse even than that was the haunted look in his eyes. The way they were wide with fright but dead of life. Like he had given up all hope. Surrendered to suffering.
“Remus?” She approached carefully.
He looked like a man that had lived a thousand years of agony and only wanted the reaper to take his soul.
He didn’t look up only gave a long suffering sigh.
She sat down beside him.
“What happened?!” She asked urgently.
“Nothing or well….” he sighed again.
”Something obviously happened” Lily stated, growing annoyed.
”Yes i suppose you are right” Remus still avoided her gaze.
”So? What happened?” She pressed.
He looked up and something clicked in her mind as she saw the new claw like slashes across hus face. The scars, his monthly sicknesses, all of it. He was a werewolf. How had she never realised?!
His eyes widened further and his mouth fell open slightly in terror.
He had obviously noticed her realising.
”You are a werewolf” she stated and her voice was totally calm.
”Yes” he replied though it wasn’t a question. ”You can’t tell anyone. Please” he begged.
Horror gripped her.
”You killed Severus” her voice was still deathly calm.
He flinched and he begun shaking.
”It was an accident” he sobbed, there were no tears but he looked like he was about to cry. She had never seen him cry. She wasn’t even aware he could cry. It looked like he hadn’t done it in a long time.
He closed his eyes and looked up, gulping down emotion.
Her anger drained away as he told her. It hadn’t been his fault. Sirius had done that, to Severus, to Remus. Remus was innocent.
Damn Sirius, damm the ministry, damn them all she thought as she hugged Remus tightly.